okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 16, 2018 20:51:23 GMT -5
So a week ago we sat and talked about our relationship. I shared the very insightful things I have learned here. The sexual abuse she had happen and the possibility that it is a reason for our SM. She opened up and admitted she did not understand why she was so turned off. She realized some of the things I did triggered the feelings of the past. We discussed the triggers and set boundaries, not to come in while she was in the shower. Not push anymore. However, I also told her that, just like her, I have issues not feeling wanted or loved or needed, except to be a provider. And I need her to try and show me, at the least, non sexual affection. I needed to feel loved.
So so far I have kept my side of the deal and I am being patient and understanding. I will give her time, I want to be positive but I am afraid that, like always, I will do everything to be understanding but ,I am having a hard time trusting her to decide to work on us.
She he has been communicating better and giving more hugs over the last week and a half, It is just hard after so long. Of course what does a week+ show. I will give it a few months and see what happens.... She did have a huge Ah-ha moment and opened up more about the past much more than ever. She picked out the things that made her skin craw or made her feel uncomfortable. I just hope she uses this to work on her instead of a great excuse....
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Post by flounder on Jul 16, 2018 21:20:07 GMT -5
Do either of you have a therapist?
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 16, 2018 21:47:08 GMT -5
So a week ago we sat and talked about our relationship. I shared the very insightful things I have learned here. The sexual abuse she had happen and the possibility that it is a reason for our SM. She opened up and admitted she did not understand why she was so turned off. She realized some of the things I did triggered the feelings of the past. We discussed the triggers and set boundaries, not to come in while she was in the shower. Not push anymore. However, I also told her that, just like her, I have issues not feeling wanted or loved or needed, except to be a provider. And I need her to try and show me, at the least, non sexual affection. I needed to feel loved. So so far I have kept my side of the deal and I am being patient and understanding. I will give her time, I want to be positive but I am afraid that, like always, I will do everything to be understanding but ,I am having a hard time trusting her to decide to work on us. She he has been communicating better and giving more hugs over the last week and a half, It is just hard after so long. Of course what does a week+ show. I will give it a few months and see what happens.... She did have a huge Ah-ha moment and opened up more about the past much more than ever. She picked out the things that made her skin craw or made her feel uncomfortable. I just hope she uses this to work on her instead of a great excuse.... okiedude, it sounds like the conversation was constructive. We are in similar situations and I know how hard it is to try to set the ball in motion and then wait to see what the spouse does with it, to try to stay hopeful when you have doubts... Other folks here probably have better advice than I could offer, given that I’m in the same boat, so this is mostly just a note of support. I hope these baby steps continue for you. At the very least, it sounds like your wife heard you and is trying. That is something positive to hold onto.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 16, 2018 21:49:51 GMT -5
So a week ago we sat and talked about our relationship. I shared the very insightful things I have learned here. The sexual abuse she had happen and the possibility that it is a reason for our SM. She opened up and admitted she did not understand why she was so turned off. She realized some of the things I did triggered the feelings of the past. We discussed the triggers and set boundaries, not to come in while she was in the shower. Not push anymore. However, I also told her that, just like her, I have issues not feeling wanted or loved or needed, except to be a provider. And I need her to try and show me, at the least, non sexual affection. I needed to feel loved. So so far I have kept my side of the deal and I am being patient and understanding. I will give her time, I want to be positive but I am afraid that, like always, I will do everything to be understanding but ,I am having a hard time trusting her to decide to work on us. She he has been communicating better and giving more hugs over the last week and a half, It is just hard after so long. Of course what does a week+ show. I will give it a few months and see what happens.... She did have a huge Ah-ha moment and opened up more about the past much more than ever. She picked out the things that made her skin craw or made her feel uncomfortable. I just hope she uses this to work on her instead of a great excuse.... She gave you specific things she needed you to do (not come in when she's in the shower, not push). These are measurable. You do them or you don't. So far, you are doing them. You asked to see non sexual affection and to feel loved. How is this measured? Some hugs are nice. It seems to me that he has already delivered given the needs you've articulated. If you want more than that then she can plausibly come back and say you're moving the bar. Right now both of you are honoring your promises. Just not your marriage vows. But you didnt ask for that.
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Post by baza on Jul 16, 2018 23:06:16 GMT -5
You allude to abuse in your missus' past Brother okiedude . Shit things happen to people in life that they didn't deserve, that are not their fault. Thing is, although it might not be their fault that such an event took place, it is their resonsibility to play the cards they got dealt. Is there any evidence that your missus is up for taking on the responsibility for playing out the hand she got dealt ? Suggestion. Sister choosinghappy 's run of stories would be worth your reading. Also ballofconfusion . And others. Past sexual abuse is in play there.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 17, 2018 3:36:27 GMT -5
Unless your wife is willing to get into therapy with a therapist experienced with helping child sex abuse survivors, and unless your wife is willing to work hard in that therapy, it's unlikely that she ever will be a person who engages in mutually enjoyable sex with you. Even if she gets into therapy and works in it, it may take years for her to accomplish such a change. Many child sexual abuse survivors find it's easier to simply never have sex than to go to therapy to change.
If all you want is nonsexual affection from her, that may indeed be possible if you continue to avoid triggering her. But you need to be honest with yourself: Would nonsexual affection from her make the marriage worth it for you or do you really want a marriage that includes mutually enjoyable sex? If what you want is the latter, she may not be capable ever of being that kind of wife.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 17, 2018 5:36:16 GMT -5
I’m going to echo what northstarmom said. 100%. Hopefully your wife will truly be willing to work on things and can be successful doing so. But even if that happen, you will never have the kind of carefree, mutually desirable sex and intimacy with her that you crave. Sadly, that is the hard truth that took me a while to realize. You will have to decide what you can live with and be okay with. It’s encouraging that she was willing to open up about things with you but realize she WILL have limitations and she may never be able to get over them, even with therapy. You need to decide if you are ok with that. For me, when I realized that at BEST, through therapy my H may someday come to be WILLING to be sexual with me, he will never truly WANT to, I decided that wasn’t enough. We separated a month ago and I’m now looking towards the future and towards being with someone who WANTS to be intimate with me.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 17, 2018 5:47:32 GMT -5
“We discussed the triggers and set boundaries, not to come in while she was in the shower. Not push anymore. ”
The things that trigger your wife are things that turn on sexually healthy people. If you were sexually compatible, she’d be delighted if you joined her in the shower. That would lead to delicious shower sex. You both also would welcome each other’s sexual assertiveness.
What you are receiving in return for respecting her boundaries is the kind of affection one might get from a good friend. This is probably the best she can give you. And it probably takes effort on her part to accept that limited physical affection and restraint on your part not to push for more. This is not what it should mean to be married.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 17, 2018 6:04:10 GMT -5
In a healthy relationship healthy boundaries do exist, but it seems your wife is twisting that a bit to her advantage to create a wall so intimacy can't exist between the two of you. To wall herself in, take "the pressure off" from being open and intimate with her husband. It seems you are being duped.
I'm sorry, I know it sucks, but with trust out the window, walls up, "rules" about when you can touch, how much you can touch, how much nakedness you can or can't see, etc., there is little hope for full intimacy.
It sounds like she has major insecurities. Insecure folks have a tough time with intimacy. With sex. With nakedness. These are the very things that bond a romantic couple together. You are supposed to be monogamous with her, not have sex with anyone else, yet she's building walls up and shutting you down, it's all her rules for her highest good.
I'd be doubtful from that talk, too.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 17, 2018 6:04:44 GMT -5
Unless your wife is willing to get into therapy with a therapist experienced with helping child sex abuse survivors, and unless your wife is willing to work hard in that therapy, it's unlikely that she ever will be a person who engages in mutually enjoyable sex with you. Even if she gets into therapy and works in it, it may take years for her to accomplish such a change. Many child sexual abuse survivors find it's easier to simply never have sex than to go to therapy to change. If all you want is nonsexual affection from her, that may indeed be possible if you continue to avoid triggering her. But you need to be honest with yourself: Would nonsexual affection from her make the marriage worth it for you or do you really want a marriage that includes mutually enjoyable sex? If what you want is the latter, she may not be capable ever of being that kind of wife. Thank you for your reply. Yes after reading the history of others here it began the discussion about why... Because of the love I do have for her and the love she has towards me I have to try this. I have discussed her going to therapy but, I think she is worried about what will surface. We have been affectionate for most of our marriage. Just not real sexual. Since her mom died, we had our first child and then her grandparent passed leaving her with no family at 25. It went from normal to maybe once a month. For the last 18+ years it has been challenging. If you met us you would think that we were passionate and very loving. However er as our oldest is leaving for college I see her becoming much worse an even the affection is going away.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 17, 2018 6:08:27 GMT -5
“Because of the love I do have for her and the love she has towards me I have to try this. I have discussed her going to therapy but, I think she is worried about what will surface. ”
It’s normal to fear that. But people who want to solve problems interfering with their marriage will go to therapy and do their best to heal. Therapy is probably her only chance to heal. If she could heal without it, she would have. She probably also assumes— perhaps correctly - that since you have lived so long with a marriage that wasn’t very sexual, aging and history will allow you to be content with a marriage that has even less physical intimacy but has a longstanding friendship.
Individual therapy could help you figure out whether to stay or leave.
When the last child leaves is when some couples look at each other and realize that without the responsibility of parenting a child in the home, they don’t have much reason to remain married.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 17, 2018 6:10:17 GMT -5
In a healthy relationship healthy boundaries do exist, but it seems your wife is twisting that a bit to her advantage to create a wall so intimacy can't exist between the two of you. To wall herself in, take "the pressure off" from being open and intimate with her husband. It seems you are being duped. I'm sorry, I know it sucks, but with trust out the window, walls up, "rules" about when you can touch, how much you can touch, how much nakedness you can or can't see, etc., there is little hope for full intimacy. It sounds like she has major insecurities. Insecure folks have a tough time with intimacy. With sex. With nakedness. These are the very things that bond a romantic couple together. You are supposed to be monogamous with her, not have sex with anyone else, yet she's building walls up and shutting you down, it's all her rules for her highest good. I'd be doubtful from that talk, too. I think you are very close and I also am not sure this will do any good but this is an effort I have not tried. I also understand I can't change her only she can change. This is the start of changing me and showing her she needs to work on us or the future is changing thank you for your straight forward advise it helps keep strong through this. I have to in my mind exhaust the options.
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Post by h on Jul 17, 2018 6:15:08 GMT -5
I would make it a requirement. If she doesn't do therapy, you don't want to be married to her anymore. Make her decide what is important to her. If she still says no,move to a separate bedroom. Make it real and visible to her so she can't ignore the problem.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 17, 2018 6:23:20 GMT -5
I agree with h. If she’s not willing to put effort into therapy to address her sexual issues, she will never be the kind of wife you want.
Right now, you are giving up a lot — intimate things that are normal and expected in marriage- and she is with great difficulty offering crumbs of affection that would be appropriate only if you were mere friends.
Therapy with a practitioner experienced with helping child sexual abuse survivors heal is the only hope of your wife’s changing her sexual aversion. If having mutually enjoyable sex with your wife is so important to you that you’d choose divorce over remaining in a celibate marriage, tell her that either she gets appropriate counseling or you leave. But don’t say that unless you mean it.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 17, 2018 7:20:16 GMT -5
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