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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 8:04:38 GMT -5
IOW, you can't just pretend to detach, as a tactic or a strategy. You have to truly detach - which means letting go of the result. Thanks SmartKat for making that more concise for me. I've been known to process things "out loud."  |
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 18:08:35 GMT -5
That doesn't mean the marriage ends of course. It may stagger on for years / decades more. And therein lies the rub.  You're mistaken -- no rubbing. |
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Post by Isabellas39 on May 20, 2016 19:18:33 GMT -5
I have been emotionally detached for a long time. I view him as a friend, and I do not seek intimacy from him anymore. We sleep in different rooms, and I took off my wedding ring a few years ago. I told him from the start that when I don't get my needs met in a relationship it is my personality to detach.. It's a lonely place to be in a marriage IMO. Sleeping alone every night, no romantic moments, nothing that makes me feel wanted...It's a weird situation, but easier than begging and pleading for something he would not give.
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Post by JMX on May 20, 2016 19:37:36 GMT -5
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omixochitl
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“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
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Post by omixochitl on May 20, 2016 21:08:48 GMT -5
Yes, Isabellas39, do you have a plan? I'm a big believer in a plan. Unless staying is the plan. And that can be legit, as well. |
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 21:38:30 GMT -5
And therein lies the rub. You're mistaken -- no rubbing.  No touching of any kind! And certainly, most definitely, NO sex. Honestly. How could I have been so foolish? |
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 21:40:09 GMT -5
Isabellas39, I also would like to you know your plan. And how you endure that. Please share.
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omixochitl
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“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 6:32:24 GMT -5
I would like to mention that a big part of our usual reset process, is for me to ask him to move out. The fact that I am not doing this is huge for both him and myself.
I'm trying to note any differences happening now. Trying to see if this time IS truly different.
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Post by baza on May 21, 2016 6:42:01 GMT -5
Clearly Sister omixochitl, you would prefer him outta there.
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So sure, you can "ask him to move out"
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The first hurdle confronting you is him refusing to move out. That he calls your bluff.
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What would be your fall back position under those circumstances ?
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If you haven't actually got a fall back position, then it might be wise to hold off on your request that he move out, until such time as you DO have a fall back plan.
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You potentially shred your cred "if" you issue a request that he move out, he refuses to do so, and there are no consequences to his refusal.
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Post by unmatched on May 21, 2016 6:45:39 GMT -5
I would like to mention that a big part of our usual reset process, is for me to ask him to move out. The fact that I am not doing this is huge for both him and myself. I'm trying to note any differences happening now. Trying to see if this time IS truly different. I think what you are doing here is important. It feels like you are trying to stop having a relationship with the husband you want and trying to start relating to the one you have actually got. I guess I am still left with a question though. Do you know where you want this to go? |
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omixochitl
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“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 6:47:51 GMT -5
unmatched, You get it. And actually, since I am going forward one day at a time, I'm not certain of the answer to this. Beyond the fact that I no longer want to engage in this struggle. It's very complex, right?
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omixochitl
Junior Member
“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 21, 2016 6:50:51 GMT -5
Maybe there can't be "a plan". Since none of us can ever know what the future will be. Except I don't wanna fight no more. I want my heart and soul to feel clean and pure and I want to spread my wings and FLY!
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Post by unmatched on May 21, 2016 6:55:02 GMT -5
unmatched, You get it. And actually, since I am going forward one day at a time, I'm not certain of the answer to this. Beyond the fact that I no longer want to engage in this struggle. It's very complex, right? Yes I get that. I have been guilty a lot I think of projecting my own wishes onto my wife and then trying to have a relationship with my own fantasy. I hope that by detaching we can see what is actually there, and whether or not it is a person who is ever capable of giving us what we need. |
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Post by unmatched on May 21, 2016 6:57:31 GMT -5
Maybe there can't be "a plan". Since none of us can ever know what the future will be. Except I don't wanna fight no more. I want my heart and soul to feel clean and pure and I want to spread my wings and FLY! This too! Stop fighting! If he decides to step up and be what you need, so be it. If not, move on. It is no longer your role to try to make him different. |
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Post by Isabellas39 on May 21, 2016 12:19:48 GMT -5
I am on the college plan.. My son is 13 years old, and I tell myself maybe I can start again in about 5 years. However, that feels like a lifetime, and we all know that nothing is guaranteed. I am working on my degree at the moment, and I know I need to have finances in order as well.
If I don't distract myself I become very depressed and then I feel like I just can't take it one more day. My husband and I watch our favorite series on TV together, joke around, and act like friends..However, when I bring up intimacy that changes the mood completely because he can't justify his selfishness and agrees that he is being selfish. I only bring the topic up when he constantly includes me in his retirement plans, or says "I love you" so many times that I have to ask him to define his version of love..
It's a struggle, but as the song goes I will survive..
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No touching of any kind! And certainly, most definitely, NO sex. Honestly. How could I have been so foolish?
