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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2018 21:57:04 GMT -5
As I wade through the tail end of my marriage, I find I'm still questioning the lack of sex, as in, how does a red-blooded man NOT have sex with his wife?
Anyway, I stumbled upon this and although it's a study done with college students, I think it's relevant. A girlfriend of mine told me yesterday (when I asked for the 100th time if I should really go through with the divorce) that once I'm out and getting sex again, my whole outlook on life will improve exponentially. Maybe she's right?
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Post by baza on Jul 12, 2018 22:55:33 GMT -5
Seems a self evident fact to me.
If you like and enjoy sex, then having sex will enhance your enjoyment levels in life generally
If you don't like and enjoy sex, then having sex will not enhance your enjoyment levels in life generally.
I'd suggest your friend is right Sister @elle .
Are you getting a bit twitchy and excited about putting the theory into practice ?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2018 6:14:20 GMT -5
Seems a self evident fact to me. If you like and enjoy sex, then having sex will enhance your enjoyment levels in life generally If you don't like and enjoy sex, then having sex will not enhance your enjoyment levels in life generally. I'd suggest your friend is right Sister @elle . Are you getting a bit twitchy and excited about putting the theory into practice ? Well, yes and no. I’ll be looking for the exact right man, and he’ll be hard to come by given my list of requirements. But I’ve been sexless long enough to know that I won’t die without it. I don’t care to use it casually, and I also believe it’s really not about the lack of sex, but about the lack of intimacy. I’ll be looking for that first. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 13, 2018 7:52:39 GMT -5
Excerpt from article:
“In other words, the time-lagged analysis suggests that having sex leads to positive mood and a sense of fulfillment that continues into the next day. This finding is consistent with other studies that have found the “afterglow” of sex extends for a day or two after the act. The researchers don’t deny the likelihood that happy, fulfilled people have more sex. Rather, they simply contend that it’s sexual activity that make people happy and fulfilled, not that their happiness and fulfillment leads them to have more sex.
Furthermore, when the researchers compared those in committed relationships with those who were not, they found no differences in reported positive mood and meaning in life after sex. This suggests that the received wisdom about sex within committed relationships being more fulfilling than casual sex may not be true.
Kashdan and colleagues are cautious in interpreting this result, since their participants were college students, mostly in the age range of 18-20. They argued that today’s college students, with their hook-up culture, may have more positive attitudes about casual sex than previous generations.
I’m not so sure I buy this argument. When I was a college student back in the 1970s, casual sex was pretty common. It’s just that your met your partner for the night in a bar rather than through a smart-phone app.
One of the most important and consistent findings of positive psychology is that meaningful social relationships are absolutely essential for a sense of well-being and purpose in life. When others show interest and concern in us, we feel validated. Likewise, as we express our interest and concern for others, we feel our life has meaning.
However, as Kashdan and colleagues point out, partnered sex isn’t just about sensual pleasure. It’s also a social act. And when we think about sex this way, we can understand why it boosts our mood and sense of fulfillment beyond the gratification of the moment. After all, what could be more affirming to another person than to willingly engage with them in the most intimate acts of human experience?”
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 13, 2018 9:25:46 GMT -5
There are a lot of different things that make me happy.
Sex is one of them. I agree with happiness coming from meaningful relationships whether they are sexual or not. I think that what makes people happy varies by the person. It’s important for us as individuals to recognize what variety of things makes us happy in life, what is the cocktail mix for us? what are the toppings that you want on your pizza? And go after those experiences in life that make you happy. For me some of that is having active relationships with my girlfriends, taking a vacation or two a year, talking to my mom, going to live theater, going to new and old restaurants, having sex with my lover, winding down each evening with Mr Bballgirl and watching our shows together, as well as going out on dates with him. These are just a few things but I am the one that is active to incorporate experiences that make my life happy.
Casual sex is just sex and I experienced that with zero regrets because it was just a life experience, maybe a check mark on the bucket list, and sometimes a lesson to learn what I don’t like or to advocate for myself with what I do like. It was a phase and it got old but ultimately I learned what I wanted for myself and sex is very important for me to be happy but it’s not the only thing.
The afterglow - well I’m having that today. No I don’t get to have sex whenever I want but the 2 or 3 times a month my lover and I are together we make make the most of it, and it’s not just sex we have some great conversations too. There is openness, a vulnerability, an escape, a choice being made which makes each other feel wanted and desired and ultimately that makes me happy.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2018 14:59:00 GMT -5
As I wade through the tail end of my marriage, I find I'm still questioning the lack of sex, as in, how does a red-blooded man NOT have sex with his wife?
Anyway, I stumbled upon this and although it's a study done with college students, I think it's relevant. A girlfriend of mine told me yesterday (when I asked for the 100th time if I should really go through with the divorce) that once I'm out and getting sex again, my whole outlook on life will improve exponentially. Maybe she's right?
Your comment is also a reason why I stay. I don't particularly have any reason to think that once I'm out that I would be getting sex then either. The marriage isn't crappy enough to leave and get no sex in a completely unknown future so I might as well stay and get quarterly sex. God, that sucks. |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 14, 2018 19:16:06 GMT -5
I know everyone is different, I'm just glad I threw myself into life and allowed things to happen without analyzing everything so hard. If I wanted to have sex with a man, I did. Non-committed sex doesn't automatically equal meaningless. Just throwing that out there.  The experiences I take with me to my grave with a smile of remembrance. Do I prefer the committed sex I enjoy with my husband now more? Without a doubt. I experienced that "after glow" as a single woman after sex, and, yeah, it was great... helped immensely with my self confidence and empowered me. I experience it now in my committed relationship, too, only there's an added layer.... WE experience it together, the relationship itself, if that makes sense, experiences it, and it is made stronger, deeper. I really do believe that. Sounds ridiculously romantic, I know, but, it's not just fluff words. Sex enhances life and relationships... for those who like sex. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2018 20:23:34 GMT -5
As I wade through the tail end of my marriage, I find I'm still questioning the lack of sex, as in, how does a red-blooded man NOT have sex with his wife?
Anyway, I stumbled upon this and although it's a study done with college students, I think it's relevant. A girlfriend of mine told me yesterday (when I asked for the 100th time if I should really go through with the divorce) that once I'm out and getting sex again, my whole outlook on life will improve exponentially. Maybe she's right?
Your comment is also a reason why I stay. I don't particularly have any reason to think that once I'm out that I would be getting sex then either. The marriage isn't crappy enough to leave and get no sex in a completely unknown future so I might as well stay and get quarterly sex. God, that sucks. I had a related situation, but there were some important differences also. First, in the marriage, there was no sex, quarterly or otherwise. Second, even though I had every confidence that I would return to sexual activity while on my escape path, there was once again no sex, quarterly or otherwise. In some ways, this unexpected reality cut deeper than the wounds of collective years. I was getting blocked by the masses instead of by only the one.
That being said, I suspect that I made understandable choices in both leaving and returning. Plus, I eventually learned enough to make me think that things would go better were I to go over the wall again. Now, define "go better." It may mean sexual gratification (at last) or perhaps simply moving one hurdle out of the way just to encounter another. I have no idea which form of "go better" might really be out there. But, thoughts of "go better" beat thoughts of "no better." |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 14, 2018 20:45:09 GMT -5
Seems a self evident fact to me. If you like and enjoy sex, then having sex will enhance your enjoyment levels in life generally If you don't like and enjoy sex, then having sex will not enhance your enjoyment levels in life generally. I'd suggest your friend is right Sister @elle . Are you getting a bit twitchy and excited about putting the theory into practice ? Well, yes and no. I’ll be looking for the exact right man, and he’ll be hard to come by given my list of requirements. But I’ve been sexless long enough to know that I won’t die without it. I don’t care to use it casually, and I also believe it’s really not about the lack of sex, but about the lack of intimacy. I’ll be looking for that first. I wouldn't be surprised if the "list of requirements" is flexible, or will become more flexible as you continue learning from your journey. I applaud your take on intimacy. I strive to put sex and intimacy together in my words and actions all the time. You , my friend, will have a good solid foundation for your next house! Your honest , true to yourself approach will pay off. Being more open minded when getting out there and meeting new people, can help release some of the fears associated with just realizing how long you settled and not letting that pendulum swing to far the other way, by constantly being on the lookout for red flags and having a stringent list of requirements. |
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 15, 2018 8:36:00 GMT -5
As I wade through the tail end of my marriage, I find I'm still questioning the lack of sex, as in, how does a red-blooded man NOT have sex with his wife?
Anyway, I stumbled upon this and although it's a study done with college students, I think it's relevant. A girlfriend of mine told me yesterday (when I asked for the 100th time if I should really go through with the divorce) that once I'm out and getting sex again, my whole outlook on life will improve exponentially. Maybe she's right?
Your comment is also a reason why I stay. I don't particularly have any reason to think that once I'm out that I would be getting sex then either. The marriage isn't crappy enough to leave and get no sex in a completely unknown future so I might as well stay and get quarterly sex. God, that sucks. I sometimes think this as well. |
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 29, 2018 7:24:05 GMT -5
I think the 'ohhh I just had sex feeling' is about the same between casual sex and committed relationship sex. I think - I mean it's been most of decade since I've had casual only sex. What isn't the same is feelings of 'ewww, what do I do now... I hope he doesn't call me..." or "will he call me, should I call him". And I get an extra bonus of knowing I'm giving the man I love those feelings. Plus, I get intimacy even if I don't feel like sex. I've had a bad cold this week and I wake up in the morning feeling stuffed up, headachey, sore throat and awful, so we haven't had morning sex in quite a few days. I'm getting better, but this morning we just had lovely cuddle time without intercourse in that moment, but of course we had sex the night before so still in afterglow.
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The experiences I take with me to my grave with a smile of remembrance. 
