another bomb

I met with my lawyer today to go over our response to my STBX's latest madness.  When I walked in, she put a stack of papers in front of me - over 75 pages of material she received from his lawyer yesterday.  (This is new stuff, not what we were scheduled to talk about.) She warned me that there was some upsetting material that I would need to read and discuss with her.  She briefly explained the purpose of each document, then left me to read through them.

I got through most of it okay.  I could see the gamesmanship going on and only had a few questions.  Then I got to a set of papers labeled "Declaration of Mr. Mountain Runner in Opposition to Request for Order."  (He is referring to my request for temporary support orders.)  It was seven pages of the most horrible things he could find to say about me, some out and out lies, some twisted truth and an enormous amount of misrepresenting situations by leaving out critical pieces of information.  Essentially he accused me of being lazy, being a bad wife, a bad mother and taking advantage of him over the years.   

I was stunned at how viciously he attacked me.  Including this long litany of complaints and claims of all the extra work he had to do with the house and the children.  One of my favorites is that he "contributed to getting our daughter to school every week."  Hello Asshat, you drove her twice a week (for one year mind you) while I was driving carpool every morning for our son.  How the F was I supposed to drive two carpools at once?  No mention of the fact that I drove carpool every afternoon also - half of the days for my sons carpool, the other half for our daughter's carpool.  And this was one the "nicer" things he said.

I'm trying to look at this from the judge's point of view - he sounds like a whiny, petty prick.  So from a legal standpoint, his "declaration" is probably going to actually hurt him.  A hearing for temporary support orders really isn't the place for this kind of thing (if there even is a place for it).  But I can't help being hurt by all of it.  Reading through his statements, it sounds like he is talking about someone he despises.  Regardless of how angry I've gotten at him at times, I have never lied about him or said intentionally hurtful things about him (other than here or with friends where its appropriate).

And then just to scare me even more, his lawyer says she will be putting me on the stand to answer questions.  And before you ask, yes they CAN do that.  It just isn't something they can do in a temporary support hearing and according to my lawyer, it's just weird.  She can't decide if his attorney is crazy or just doesn't understand family law at all.  If they insist on an evidentiary hearing, it will have to be scheduled separately and will take at least three months to be placed on the court docket.  My lawyer seems confident she can get the judge to still issue temporary support orders on June 2nd and not make me wait another three months.  She's also certain that the judge is going to be very annoyed by all of these shenanigans and has made sure that our response to their teetering pile of paper is a nice, concise four pages long.


 I'm trying not to be rattled by all of this, but it's hard.  My brain looks at it and sees that they are only making things worse for themselves.  The rest of me bounces between scared and hurt.  There's no way we can come out of this friends now, not after his "declaration.  I wonder how he would feel if I "declared" the truth of our marriage, how he would like to see "refused to have sexual intercourse with his wife for over thirteen years" in a legal document.  

I'm not going to say it can't get any worse, because apparently there are no depths to which he will not sink.  I wonder what fun he has in store for me next.

Frankly the idea of being put on the stand is utterly terrifying to me.  To be asked to defend yourself as a wife and mother is awful.  Of course there were times when I wasn't a good wife - weeks when the house was messy or I only cooked three times, but do those scattered weeks completely negate months and months of cooking dinner every night and keeping the house clean, if not neat?  How do I deny that I screwed up sometimes and yet present a more balanced and accurate picture? I can't imagine myself just boldly saying he's a liar (well, there are some things that are complete lies, but most have some element of truth), but if I admit to part of it, I'm afraid it will look like I'm agreeing.  I try to stop this little cycle of panic by reminding myself that 1) it may not come to this and 2) my lawyer will prepare me if it does.  

I totally second what itsjustus just said. If your hearing is about division of assets then none of that stuff is relevant and the judge won't be interested at all. If your husband is trying to sue for full custody or something like that (which seems extraordinarily unlikely given he is an awful father and a selfish prick who wouldn't want the responsibility), then whether or not you are a good mother might become relevant. But even then they are going to care about whether you are on drugs or psychotic and unfit to be around the kids, not how clean you kept the house or how many times a week you cooked. All that stuff is just hurtful and vindictive and completely meaningless from a judge's point of view. Trust your lawyer, keep things as clear and simple as you can, and you will be fine.