Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 20:48:12 GMT -5
I met with my lawyer today to go over our response to my STBX's latest madness. When I walked in, she put a stack of papers in front of me - over 75 pages of material she received from his lawyer yesterday. (This is new stuff, not what we were scheduled to talk about.) She warned me that there was some upsetting material that I would need to read and discuss with her. She briefly explained the purpose of each document, then left me to read through them.
I got through most of it okay. I could see the gamesmanship going on and only had a few questions. Then I got to a set of papers labeled "Declaration of Mr. Mountain Runner in Opposition to Request for Order." (He is referring to my request for temporary support orders.) It was seven pages of the most horrible things he could find to say about me, some out and out lies, some twisted truth and an enormous amount of misrepresenting situations by leaving out critical pieces of information. Essentially he accused me of being lazy, being a bad wife, a bad mother and taking advantage of him over the years.
I was stunned at how viciously he attacked me. Including this long litany of complaints and claims of all the extra work he had to do with the house and the children. One of my favorites is that he "contributed to getting our daughter to school every week." Hello Asshat, you drove her twice a week (for one year mind you) while I was driving carpool every morning for our son. How the F was I supposed to drive two carpools at once? No mention of the fact that I drove carpool every afternoon also - half of the days for my sons carpool, the other half for our daughter's carpool. And this was one the "nicer" things he said.
I'm trying to look at this from the judge's point of view - he sounds like a whiny, petty prick. So from a legal standpoint, his "declaration" is probably going to actually hurt him. A hearing for temporary support orders really isn't the place for this kind of thing (if there even is a place for it). But I can't help being hurt by all of it. Reading through his statements, it sounds like he is talking about someone he despises. Regardless of how angry I've gotten at him at times, I have never lied about him or said intentionally hurtful things about him (other than here or with friends where its appropriate).
And then just to scare me even more, his lawyer says she will be putting me on the stand to answer questions. And before you ask, yes they CAN do that. It just isn't something they can do in a temporary support hearing and according to my lawyer, it's just weird. She can't decide if his attorney is crazy or just doesn't understand family law at all. If they insist on an evidentiary hearing, it will have to be scheduled separately and will take at least three months to be placed on the court docket. My lawyer seems confident she can get the judge to still issue temporary support orders on June 2nd and not make me wait another three months. She's also certain that the judge is going to be very annoyed by all of these shenanigans and has made sure that our response to their teetering pile of paper is a nice, concise four pages long.
I'm trying not to be rattled by all of this, but it's hard. My brain looks at it and sees that they are only making things worse for themselves. The rest of me bounces between scared and hurt. There's no way we can come out of this friends now, not after his "declaration. I wonder how he would feel if I "declared" the truth of our marriage, how he would like to see "refused to have sexual intercourse with his wife for over thirteen years" in a legal document.
I'm not going to say it can't get any worse, because apparently there are no depths to which he will not sink. I wonder what fun he has in store for me next.
|
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on May 18, 2016 21:14:42 GMT -5
What a f***ing useless whiny pathetic piece of s**t he is!!! I guess at least he has burned his bridges and you no longer need to worry about what is going to happen between the two of you after the divorce. You can now just focus entirely on what you need to do to get through it as cleanly and quickly as you can. The good side is that if your lawyer is right (and I suspect she is), his lawyer doesn't seem to have a clue what she is doing. It sounds like she is more used to ambulance chasing and trying to scare people into settlements than dealing with a family court where a judge will actually sit down and look at both sides. And JMX was right yesterday - time to go on the attack. Not for this hearing, because it isn't the place for it, but if they try and drag you into an evidentiary hearing then you should do whatever your lawyer wants and not hold anything back. And damn right you should put it in a legal document that he wouldn't fuck you for 13 years. At this point I would put it in the newspaper! |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 18, 2016 21:19:23 GMT -5
Wow! Thanks again for sharing! This is so sad it's almost laughable! Sounds like you have your Teflon armor on with help from your family. I like your thoughts, " the judge will be very annoyed by all of these "shenanigans"!
Find out about the. SM. I do know that in the state of Fl. Affairs are supposed to have no bearing at all in the courts decision. How true that is may be a different story. The same with the lack of support due to the SM. A SM does have life changing emotional trauma! Ask your attorney.
Keep your eyes focused on the prize, " freedom!"
|
|
|
|
Post by deborahmanning on May 18, 2016 21:26:33 GMT -5
Yeah. This is called "emptying the gun", and it's a clear sign of desperation. It's got to hurt -- it was intended to hurt! -- but see, now you are prepared and can generate grounded, intelligent answers. Can you imagine if he strung you along with "nice guy" BS and then pulled this crap in court? I think both your lawyer's conjectures are right: his lawyer is both inexperienced in family law AND crazy.
I am pretty sure that the judge can (for instance) read a clock and do the math, to figure out that X is not doing everything he says, based on the one example of driving the kids. but WHAT AN ASSHAT.
Fifty bucks says he still tries the good-cop routine though! Charity of your choice, including your local bar. You need some good brandy on June 2.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 18, 2016 21:30:02 GMT -5
What a f***ing useless whiny pathetic piece of s**t he is!!! I guess at least he has burned his bridges and you no longer need to worry about what is going to happen between the two of you after the divorce. You can now just focus entirely on what you need to do to get through it as cleanly and quickly as you can. The good side is that if your lawyer is right (and I suspect she is), his lawyer doesn't seem to have a clue what she is doing. It sounds like she is more used to ambulance chasing and trying to scare people into settlements than dealing with a family court where a judge will actually sit down and look at both sides. And JMX was right yesterday - time to go on the attack. Not for this hearing, because it isn't the place for it, but if they try and drag you into an evidentiary hearing then you should do whatever your lawyer wants and not hold anything back. And damn right you should put it in a legal document that he wouldn't fuck you for 13 years. At this point I would put it in the newspaper! I will chip in for a billboard on the nearest interstate. Stating something to the effect of: Beware of Mr Mountainrunner! He's about to be released into the dating world but 1) he's being a dick and won't give me an easy divorce AND 2) he doesn't like sex so don't plan on getting to use his dick. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 18, 2016 21:33:53 GMT -5
@mountainrunner, you must be a saint for not having run him over in a parking lot yet. While I'll offer you my sympathies in tolerating this bullshit, my attention turns to counterstriking.
I think a calm, brief, factual response will serve you well in front of the judge. Outside of the courtroom, it might be time to take off the gloves and put on some brass knuckles.
Your H's willingness to mis-characterize you in court suggests that he'd be equally willing to slander you to anyone he thinks will harm you. I wonder if you can leverage his bad behavior to your benefit.
Ask your lawyer... If it can be shown that he is publicly slandering you (in the legal sense), would it further your case in court or give you leverage to short-cut his stunts?
In the world of HR, there are investigators that specialize in learning if a former employer is slandering you during reference checks. Imagine if one were to call H with the pretext of a thorough background check for some exclusive job / magazine article / whatever that you're being considered for; something he would salivate at blowing up. I bet he would trip over himself to destroy your opportunity, while digging his own hole.
You may find that gives you more than enough leverage to offset the cost. Or not. See what your lawyer says.
|
|
|
|
Post by deborahmanning on May 18, 2016 21:36:26 GMT -5
Oh DryCreek, I LIKE that. Very sly.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on May 18, 2016 21:43:09 GMT -5
Wow. Just wow.
SO crazy. I really do hope his lawyer is just entirely incompetent; maybe she'll continue to annoy the judge and/or slip up on other ways advantageous to you.
I'm so sorry you are hurt and scared. You somehow need to get some emotional distance from him... which I know is dang near impossible, because this is the man you called "husband" for so many years.
OK, just in case you haven't figured it out: he is being 1000% dickheaded. You know that, right?
To get a bit of emotional distance, try this: people change. He has changed for the worse. You are ALLOWED to detach from him, because he is not the man you married. You are ALLOWED to ignore his attacks on you, because they are not coming from the man who loved you. He has become a empty shell of whatever you loved about him.
If you can detach from him by thinking something along these lines, MAYBE the sting won't be quite as bad.
Or try this: he has become something detestable. When detestable people try to hurt you, you shouldn't take it personally. (I know, I know: how can you not take it *personally* that your *husband* is doing this do you? But you have to try.) When a sick dog barfs on your carpet, you don't take it personally. After all, what is a sick dog to do? His jabs at you are just the spasms of a sick, angry mind.
Let's do a little "creative visualization" to help you out. Try this (queue the dramatic movie trailer music):
Some number of years ago, he was abducted by aliens, who implanted some biomemetic device in his brain. It has finally eaten away most of the parts of him you once loved... and he is now on a rampage to destroy you... and he's taking out a good chunk of of Southern California as he tries. You narrowly escape the house and at first you are mournful of the loss of what you thought you had. But soon the hurt fades. He's just the enemy. A force to be reckoned with. Yes, he may do physical (or financial) damage to you... but you don't let him hurt you emotionally, because you are detached. You know you are in the right. You know you are the "good guy".
And also envision this: we are behind you. The air force, army, and California Highway patrol are all on your side, defending you (and Southern California) from him. In the movie poster you are in the center, flanked by the air force pilot (played by Will Smith), army colonel (played by Bruce Willis). Flanking them are your lawyer and your daughter. Behind them: everyone else here from ILIASM forum.
We've got your back! You will -- at the end of the day -- vanquish him.
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 18, 2016 21:46:12 GMT -5
Oh DryCreek, I LIKE that. Very sly. I don't like to fight dirty, but some assholes don't deserve restraint. And damn straight, she should claim in her response that she's tolerated zero sexual intimacy for 13 years. Slander is an expensive lawsuit for corporations. I dunno if it has the same teeth with an individual, unless you can link to actual damages like inability to gain employment. One would hope it carries weight with the judge, but perhaps his hole is already dug plenty deep. Sigh. Some people are so selfish that they can only "win" by crushing the life out of the other party. I used to work for a guy like that - there were no fair deals, only winners and losers. DC |
|
|
|
Post by Dan on May 18, 2016 21:51:13 GMT -5
And damn straight, she should claim in her response that she's tolerated zero sexual intimacy for 13 years. I'm with DC on this one. I don't know if it actually holds any sway with the court. And he's just as likely to deny, or admit it but twist it around as "your fault". But if you want to mess with a MAN'S head, well, emasculating him is a pretty good avenue. Look: at least bring up the possibility of this with your lawyer. |
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on May 18, 2016 23:53:50 GMT -5
About 10 years ago, my business partner and I had somebody try to sue us. He was a friend of a friend, and was in the same business, and seemed to think he had rights to a product we were importing (along with a lot of other people) because he had made some suggestions to the manufacturer at some point. Anyway, he had almost no case, but he was absolutely self-obsessed and psychotic and had worked himself into a huge frenzy that the whole world was out to rip him off. So he got a lawyer and was sending letters to everybody he could find who had anything to do with this product. And they escalated and escalated and escalated. And I know that some people backed down and gave him money just to get him to go away. It was unbelievably stressful because if we had gone to Court it wasn't likely that we would lose, but you never know, and if we had the costs would have broken us. So we stuck in there and in the end he was so hung up on himself and so determined to vent his anger everywhere that he made a stupid mistake, and at that point he had to back down.
It was one of the most stressful things I have ever been through, but I guess my hope for you is that if you can hold yourself together and keep going your ex will make even more of a fool of himself. And whatever judge you finally get in front of will dismiss everything he has to say (even the reasonable bits) as the ravings of an unreasonable idiot.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on May 19, 2016 6:30:12 GMT -5
And damn straight, she should claim in her response that she's tolerated zero sexual intimacy for 13 years. I'm with DC on this one. I don't know if it actually holds any sway with the court. And he's just as likely to deny, or admit it but twist it around as "your fault". But if you want to mess with a MAN'S head, well, emasculating him is a pretty good avenue. Look: at least bring up the possibility of this with your lawyer.
UPDATE: I've given this more thought... and I'm going to mostly disagree with myself. In retrospect, despite the "delicious appeal of some old-fashioned vindictiveness", the times in my life I've decide to "stoop to the other guy's level" have rarely gone as planned. Mostly, it falls flat: the "other guy" is too dense to pick-up that I'm slinging back the mud, or insults, or general negativity. Sometimes it has backfired: the other guy just gets worse, or I look bad in the eyes of a third-party on the sideline. Don't let others walk all over you, but choose your battles and be true to yourself. You don't have to like him or live with HIM after the divorce... but you do still have have to like yourself and live with yourself. You know? Also, remember at this time, you are trying to win the FINANCIAL battle with him. Dividing the estate in court is a FINANCIAL matter. If he is puking all kinds of junk up in court that are targeted at your emotional state but do not effect your FINANCIAL state... well, let the sick dog barf. Just be as emotionally detached as you can be. You already "wished you had listened to your lawyer earlier" on one point. How much of your time and emotional energy to you spend slinging back mud at your STBX? Listen to her on this point, too. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 6:49:22 GMT -5
Don't let others walk all over you, but choose your battles and be true to yourself. You don't have to like him or live with HIM after the divorce... but you do still have have to like yourself and live with yourself. You know? Also, remember at this time, you are trying to win the FINANCIAL battle with him. Dividing the estate in court is a FINANCIAL matter. If he is puking all kinds of junk up in court that are targeted at your emotional state but do not effect your FINANCIAL state... well, let the sick dog barf. Just be as emotionally detached as you can be. You already "wished you had listened to your lawyer earlier" on one point. How much of your time and emotional energy to you spend slinging back mud at your STBX? Listen to her on this point, too. I don't think I've spent any time slinging mud back at him other than here or on the phone with a friend. I've quite intentionally refused to engage him on that level. In my lawyer's office, I admitted I was stunned and hurt, but kept my comments and questions professional. At least, I feel like I did. But I do need to be able to express my frustration and hurt about the way he is treating me and I choose where I do that carefully. I just wish I could step back further and not be hurt by what he's said. I've been up a good chunk of the night mentally defending myself against each of his accusations. I know it's ridiculous, but I haven't been able to stop myself. Most of my energy isn't going to slinging mud back at him, but to defending myself against him. My lawyer had wanted to file for temporary support back in November - she saw the writing on the wall long before I did. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 6:54:53 GMT -5
And damn straight, she should claim in her response that she's tolerated zero sexual intimacy for 13 years. I'm with DC on this one. I don't know if it actually holds any sway with the court. And he's just as likely to deny, or admit it but twist it around as "your fault". But if you want to mess with a MAN'S head, well, emasculating him is a pretty good avenue. Look: at least bring up the possibility of this with your lawyer. The only way this will come up is if they insist on putting me on the stand. In her cross, my lawyer will ask questions about why I'm leaving the marriage. We hope it won't come to that, and she said she will prepare me for testimony if things go that far. And they will only go that far if HE pushes it to that point. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 8:24:45 GMT -5
@fiery - What is your relationship like now with your ex? I know it's not really the time to be worrying about the future, but I can't help but wonder how we will be able to be anything more than civil after all this.
Maybe I'll feel differently in a few days, but I can no longer "hope for the best." Only prepare myself for more ugliness. I do trust my lawyer and I'm making sure to follow through and get her the information she has asked for. I have one more set of documents to get for her today, but I managed to dig through all the other tasks yesterday.
It helps to hear that the anger and hurt will dissipate when this is finally over and done with.
|
|
