|
Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2018 8:14:30 GMT -5
Again, ZERO TRUST, do not negotiate with emotional (and physical) terrorists.
Look what he just did to you. The day after mothers day, divorce.
Just a week or two ago he was having sex with you three days in a row then an abrupt end.
Consider plan C and D. Moving back to the USA, live with mom and dad for a while, bring the children with you, go for full custody (due to his physical abuse of you). Be open to all change and options, put yourself first and the children second.
You have said very little about his connection and feelings for the children. TRUE feelings. Are they just a commodity to him? A necessary evil in the tangled web of marriage and his fake mask to excel in his field? More and more of this will be exposed in time during the divorce.
You have awesome potential to make this work! Lean on your attorney, parents, and your friends.
Adulting isn't always easy, but it is the path to peace and emotional freedom.
(make your dream come true)
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on May 15, 2018 8:34:16 GMT -5
elynne (((((hugs)))))) Deep breath. Stand tall. You can do this. Your life is worth this, it doesn't matter who said "divorce" first. This relationship is toxic to you (and to him and for your kids). It's hard to see now, but there is light at the end of the Tunnel of Divorce. The tunnel isn't as long as you may be thinking, either. There are sad moments, regret, doubt, anger, hope, happiness, tears, etc. It's quite the ride and you are entering it. But you will be okay. You are not at his mercy. Lawyer up.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2018 8:39:56 GMT -5
Elynne has described her childhood this way: “A narcissistic, abusive mom, a mentally retarded older sister, a passive and ineffective dad. From the time I was 3, I was bigger than my older sister. I would intentionally put myself in the way and protect my sister from her beatings. I survived my childhood by believing that if my dad knew how awful my mom was that he would save us and at the same time doing everything I could to hide the abuse from him because I couldn’t bear that he might know and do nothing. Part of the appeal of marrying H was putting an ocean between me and my family. “
Enormous reasons to at most accept financial help from your family. Maintaining an ocean between you and them sounds like an excellent plan. Rely on your therapist, close friends and here for emotional support. Given how you have described your parents, they may not be capable of providing it.
When it comes to the divorce, you will have to demand much more than you think you deserve. That will be your only way of getting a fair settlement. Your h will be trying to give you nothing.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2018 9:21:54 GMT -5
Part of the appeal of marrying H was putting an ocean between me and my family. “ When it comes to the divorce, you will have to demand much more than you think you deserve. That will be your only way of getting a fair settlement. Your h will be trying to give you nothing. I forgot about the family background. I remembered their offer to pay attorney fees, and that elynne gave up everything to move and be with him. Demanding much more than you think you deserve can also have severe consequences and backfire. It can immensely screw up what would have been a fair settlement. My narcissist ex proved that over and over again. I took the high road and stayed 50/50 especially in the parenting plan. Justice, laws, background, attorneys, may not matter.... it came down to which judge you get. I would leave that part up to your attorney.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on May 15, 2018 9:29:38 GMT -5
((Hugs)) elynne. Please please take everyone's advice. Your H is not a good man. He wouldn't fuck you before but he'll sure fuck you over now given the chance. Don't give him the chance. Move money. Talk to the lawyer. File immediately. Don't let your emotions and generous, caring nature get the better of you in this situation or it will set you behind for the rest of your life. bballgirl said something in a previous thread about having to be like a robot when going through her divorce. I know it hurts right now but don't focus on the emotions focus on the correct actions to take. You are stronger than you think.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2018 9:30:09 GMT -5
“Demanding much more than you think you deserve can also have severe consequences and backfire. It can immensely screw up what would have been a fair settlement. My narcissist ex proved that over and over again. I took the high road and stayed 50/50 especially in the parenting plan.”
Elynne’s history of being abused makes her likely to shyly request very little. What she is likely to view requesting too much is likely still to be less than her fair share. She needs to follow her attorney’s advice even if she thinks she’d get an unfair share.
Narcissists are likely to demand a “fair share” that in reality is far more than what they deserve.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2018 10:50:52 GMT -5
“Demanding much more than you think you deserve can also have severe consequences and backfire. It can immensely screw up what would have been a fair settlement. My narcissist ex proved that over and over again. I took the high road and stayed 50/50 especially in the parenting plan.” Elynne’s history of being abused makes her likely to shyly request very little. What she is likely to view requesting too much is likely still to be less than her fair share. She needs to follow her attorney’s advice even if she thinks she’d get an unfair share. Narcissists are likely to demand a “fair share” that in reality is far more than what they deserve. This ^^^ is what I am telling her to expect. An attorney will inform you of what your rights are, what to expect and what not. Sadly my ex must have been told this repeatedly by many attorneys. She was most likely told, "that's not going to happen, you are not going to get that, no judge will allow that". She would reject it and fire them, spending thousands more of our money. Also running up my own fees for my attorney to have to respond to all these new attorneys. Get ready for your STBX to act similar. Some attorneys (not all) will promise you pie in the sky results that they know they can't deliver on. Then ,if you have the strength to confront them on it, they fall back on, "it all depends on which judge you get". So my warning is to be aware of asking for too much or accepting false promises that you will receive everything you asked for. My ex's last attorney was over heard using words like " you will remain in complete control". She was pandering to my ex. Pleasing her client, weather it was true or not, legal or not, fair or not, ethical or not, all part of the game. In reality my ex was actually getting less than what the last 4 attorneys tried to settle for. In the end it's just "stuff'. Your freedom (and the children's) is priceless.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 15, 2018 11:30:04 GMT -5
elynne, I'm sure your head is swimming right now. It's like H just set off a bomb, and you're going to be disoriented. It's time for first-responder / triage mode - stop the hemorrhaging, then assess the situation. Tactical, not strategy. Speed is critical. * Preserve your stability. Transfer enough cash ASAP to cover your expenses for a year if you can. This protects you from H manipulating you by controlling your day-to-day money for necessities like food, rent, fuel, tuition. * Engage your lawyer. I can't stress this enough: have a lawyer you trust, then *trust your lawyer*. They know the game; they know the players. Turn her loose to do her job effectively. Listen to her advice. This is perhaps the hardest stage, but you will get through this.
|
|
|
Post by james on May 15, 2018 12:14:10 GMT -5
Dear elynne, This is a horrible, horrible shock for you, I am so sorry. My wife served divorce papers on me recently and a bit unexpectedly, so I have some inkling. My lawyer reassured me that (where I am, UK), it doesn't make any material difference who files. Most important question from your situation that springs to my mind: Will you want to stay in the Netherlands (where I understand you and your family are now); or will you want to go back to the US, presumably with your children? I hear what people here are saying about importance of a lawyer, and you sure need one- but you also IMO need to think through some of these big issues for yourself. And if you can try to resolve them amicably with your husband (I don't underestimate your difficulty here, but still) then that is so much better than getting lawyers to slug it out. My 2p. I am sending you big hugs, courage, strength to get through the next bit. Keep an eye out for that tiny little bit of you that is happy that it is all going to be over. It will be inside you somewhere:-). All the best, james.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on May 15, 2018 13:20:51 GMT -5
In the other thread I called your stbx an "insignificant gnat" - let me clarify.
No, we don't have to "hate" someone to break up with them. BUT, what we do have to do is realize once divorce has been uttered, it changes the game. He isn't "really" a gnat, and maybe you will experience confusing warm-fuzzies for him as you work through things, (rest assured, it happens to everyone), but he is a "gnat" in the sense he can't call the shots for your life now.
From what we know of him through you, he will try to call the shots, he will try to have power over you, even in divorce. But you need to know in your own mind, he's a gnat - he doesn't get to do that.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on May 15, 2018 14:11:10 GMT -5
elynne, I'm sure your head is swimming right now. It's like H just set off a bomb, and you're going to be disoriented. It's time for first-responder / triage mode - stop the hemorrhaging, then assess the situation. Tactical, not strategy. Speed is critical. * Preserve your stability. Transfer enough cash ASAP to cover your expenses for a year if you can. This protects you from H manipulating you by controlling your day-to-day money for necessities like food, rent, fuel, tuition. * Engage your lawyer. I can't stress this enough: have a lawyer you trust, then *trust your lawyer*. They know the game; they know the players. Turn her loose to do her job effectively. Listen to her advice. This is perhaps the hardest stage, but you will get through this. I already struggle to get him to put money in the joint account for groceries, gas, etc. I have no access to the accounts that he uses to save. There is no way for me to transfer joint assets when I only know the name of the bank - no log in, no password. Our daughter’s birthday party is this coming Friday. 10 kids, bubble soccer (all the kids in huge inflatable bubbles with their feet sticking out to play soccer!) Then a BBQ in the backyard. I need to keep it all together to get through Friday.
|
|
|
Post by h on May 15, 2018 14:27:34 GMT -5
elynne , I'm sure your head is swimming right now. It's like H just set off a bomb, and you're going to be disoriented. It's time for first-responder / triage mode - stop the hemorrhaging, then assess the situation. Tactical, not strategy. Speed is critical. * Preserve your stability. Transfer enough cash ASAP to cover your expenses for a year if you can. This protects you from H manipulating you by controlling your day-to-day money for necessities like food, rent, fuel, tuition. * Engage your lawyer. I can't stress this enough: have a lawyer you trust, then *trust your lawyer*. They know the game; they know the players. Turn her loose to do her job effectively. Listen to her advice. This is perhaps the hardest stage, but you will get through this. I already struggle to get him to put money in the joint account for groceries, gas, etc. I have no access to the accounts that he uses to save. There is no way for me to transfer joint assets when I only know the name of the bank - no log in, no password. Our daughter’s birthday party is this coming Friday. 10 kids, bubble soccer (all the kids in huge inflatable bubbles with their feet sticking out to play soccer!) Then a BBQ in the backyard. I need to keep it all together to get through Friday. Then it's smart to outwardly keep the peace until Friday. Tell your lawyer all this and ask how you could gain access to the joint assets. Make sure you have a personal account that he can't get to. And you may want to file for divorce quickly. He could be moving assets out of his name for a relative or friend to hold until after the divorce. Anything he takes before you file is gone with little chance of recovery.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 15, 2018 14:57:41 GMT -5
elynne, I'm sure your head is swimming right now. It's like H just set off a bomb, and you're going to be disoriented. It's time for first-responder / triage mode - stop the hemorrhaging, then assess the situation. Tactical, not strategy. Speed is critical. * Preserve your stability. Transfer enough cash ASAP to cover your expenses for a year if you can. This protects you from H manipulating you by controlling your day-to-day money for necessities like food, rent, fuel, tuition. * Engage your lawyer. I can't stress this enough: have a lawyer you trust, then *trust your lawyer*. They know the game; they know the players. Turn her loose to do her job effectively. Listen to her advice. This is perhaps the hardest stage, but you will get through this. I already struggle to get him to put money in the joint account for groceries, gas, etc. I have no access to the accounts that he uses to save. There is no way for me to transfer joint assets when I only know the name of the bank - no log in, no password. Our daughter’s birthday party is this coming Friday. 10 kids, bubble soccer (all the kids in huge inflatable bubbles with their feet sticking out to play soccer!) Then a BBQ in the backyard. I need to keep it all together to get through Friday. I suggest going in person to each of the banks TODAY and asking for all of the account information and official copies of the bank statements going back for the past year.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2018 16:06:02 GMT -5
I already struggle to get him to put money in the joint account for groceries, gas, etc. I have no access to the accounts that he uses to save. There is no way for me to transfer joint assets when I only know the name of the bank - no log in, no password. Our daughter’s birthday party is this coming Friday. 10 kids, bubble soccer (all the kids in huge inflatable bubbles with their feet sticking out to play soccer!) Then a BBQ in the backyard. I need to keep it all together to get through Friday. It's time to start receiving (taking). here's a suggestion for you, keep your fake mask on Friday as long as possible, meanwhile ask all ten of the mothers who you will see, " "please call me tomorrow morning. I urgently need to speak with you. I need advise and help. I'll tell you more then". Even if you get a 50% return you are batting 1000. What have you got to loose? yet so much to gain. Some may have no idea what to do for you, and then others know someone who knows someone else who can help you. Networking. Think of yourself? How many of those ladies would know to come to you if they are going through something similar. Be a receiver, you have been a giver all your life it's time for some taking( receiving). How many favors have you done for others your entire life? it's time for some payback. By receiving their guidance, support, comfort, and care you are giving them an opportunity to learn and help others. If you end up with one good friend out of this it will be so valuable to you. You can do this!!
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on May 15, 2018 16:18:16 GMT -5
elynne, I get the desire to keep your game face and keep the peace through party time. But time is not on your side, and this stalls you for a week. It is only to H's advantage. To be blunt, this will be the first of many kids' celebrations with tension between you; don't let that override doing the smart thing promptly. The whole process influences not just you and the kids, but your ability to interact with and provide for them in the short -and long-term. h offers good advice, but more urgently: go engage your lawyer. This is not the first time they've seen this. They may have financial options for handling their retainer under the circumstances. You may find that, for example, due to your pending citizenship status, it's important that you control the timeline by being the first to file. H will almost certainly try to upend that process to manipulate you. Once things are underway, there may be an option to petition the court for emergency stipend to cover daily expenses if you don't have another source of income. Be sure to ask your lawyer.
|
|