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Post by elynne on May 15, 2018 3:22:49 GMT -5
H announced his intention to divorce yesterday at our relationship therapy. I’m just so confused and lost. I feel like I’m drowning.
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Post by bballgirl on May 15, 2018 4:58:00 GMT -5
He is not your husband he is your STBX. Treat him that way. Do nothing for him or with him. Tell your lawyer you want to take him to the cleaners. Stop caring about him. Care about yourself and your kids. If he hasn't filed then you file. If you have access to the joint accounts move half over to your individual account before you file. Do this immediately. Play time is over the game has started and the clock is ticking.
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Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2018 5:01:37 GMT -5
I’m sorry you were so gobsmacked. Please call your lawyer first thing in the morning. Please call your therapist and set up an emergency appointment and increase your therapy sessions per week. Reach out for support to your in real life and online friends. Get all of the help you need to ensure that you take care of yourself and get a settlement that is fair to you.
Your husband is not a nice person. He is selfish, abusive and manipulative. Because you are a nice and compassionate person you will be tempted to think that if you treat him nicely, he will return the favor. That will never be true. He has been plotting to steamroller you. Communicate with him about the divorce settlement only through your lawyer.
You are not drowning. You are not confused. Your h has shown you now who he is beyond any shadow of a doubt. He has been handling finances to decrease the assets you’d get in a divorce. He has been just going through the motions of therapy. He is not a person you can trust. He is not interested in making your life easier. He has done thoughtless, hurtful, abusive and manipulative things on purpose because he does not care about your feelings. He lacks the compassion you have. He is not a man whom you can teach to treat you with respect and kindness.There is no reason to be confused about any of this.
I know that you are hurting. Still, he has given you a gift by finally saying he wants a divorce. Since there no longer is reason to have hope for your marriage you can without the guilt move to proceed with taking care of yourself including getting a fair divorce settlement. Some day you will realize he has done you a favor by making it necessary for you to give up hope for your marriage. You can put all of your energy into leaving and creating the kind of life you want.
Who knows? Once you are free, you might follow up with that attractive man who flirted with you last week. Or maybe the man who flirted with you last June. .,.you also have been forgetting that you are an attractive woman whom life can offer many delightful possibilities to.,
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Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2018 5:03:27 GMT -5
The person who files first has the advantage. Follow bballgirl’s advice. He is your stbx. Proceed on that basis and do not reveal your plans to him.
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Post by h on May 15, 2018 5:11:57 GMT -5
Listen to those above. Move money immediately and get your lawyer involved ASAP.
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Post by baza on May 15, 2018 5:37:56 GMT -5
Jurisdiction dependent, it doesn't make a whole heap of difference "who filed first". The split up of assets doesn't alter materially.
But, whoever files first does have one thing that ought not be underestimated. That thing is "The Initiative". Whoever files first has it and the respondent is always playing "catch up", and to a large extent, whoever files first drives the process.
You don't want to be the re-active party in a divorce action. Being the pro-active party is the place to be.
Grab the initiative would be my suggestion, drive the process yourself.
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Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2018 5:52:53 GMT -5
Elynne from a different thread “The consult cost me €400, so I’m not going back unless I’m certain divorce is the next step and I’m ready to set that ball in motion. But my lawyer and I have determined if divorce is the path I choose to take, we’d prefer a mediated divorce. Both H and I would have a separate mediator. Mine would be my current lawyer. H would be encouraged to choose a lawyer who also is a member of the divorce mediation group. Everything is decided out of court. H’s mediator would hopefully encourage him to be fair and reasonable to avoid a prolonged and expensive battle. Once the parenting plan, settlement and alimony are agreed, it’s submitted to the court and if all parties sign and agree, 6 weeks later the divorce is final. There are a few small details that need to be carefully attended to. I have right to 1/2 of h’s pension accrued until the point of our divorce, but there is a very small window to submit the paperwork to have the admin done correctly. “
I suggest that you and your lawyer rethink the mediator route. Your husband is abusive, selfish, vengeful and manipulative. Doesn’t sound like a man who’d pick a conciliatory mediator. How you described your husband to the lawyer before probably was a rosier picture than reality.
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Post by bballgirl on May 15, 2018 6:26:02 GMT -5
Get your hands on as much money (but never more than 50% )as you can and move it to an account in your name. Your STBX will be pissed but hey with divorce you are entitled to half so he better get used to you getting his money. Divorce is 50/50 Marriage is 100/100 he should have put in more effort and been a nice person.
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Post by bballgirl on May 15, 2018 6:31:24 GMT -5
The consult cost me €400, so I’m not going back unless I’m certain divorce is the next step and I’m ready to set that ball in motion. But my lawyer and I have determined if divorce is the path I choose to take, we’d prefer a mediated divorce. Both H and I would have a separate mediator. Mine would be my current lawyer. H would be encouraged to choose a lawyer who also is a member of the divorce mediation group. Everything is decided out of court. H’s mediator would hopefully encourage him to be fair and reasonable to avoid a prolonged and expensive battle. Once the parenting plan, settlement and alimony are agreed, it’s submitted to the court and if all parties sign and agree, 6 weeks later the divorce is final. There are a few small details that need to be carefully attended to. I have right to 1/2 of h’s pension accrued until the point of our divorce, but there is a very small window to submit the paperwork to have the admin done correctly. “ I suggest that you and your lawyer rethink the mediator route. Your husband is abusive, selfish, vengeful and manipulative. Doesn’t sound like a man who’d pick a conciliatory mediator. How you described your husband to the lawyer before probably was a rosier picture than reality. I agree with nsm do not do mediation your H will not play fair and it will only get you less. Take the offensive file first, pay extra to have him served. In my initial divorce paperwork my lawyer had me taking everything even his car all he got was the debt. I did not know about it and it's standard protocol with lawyers to start high and then negotiations start. Also by you filing first he may be liable for half of your attorney fees, put that in there too, because you are suing him for divorce. Get on the offensive!
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Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2018 6:53:40 GMT -5
H announced his intention to divorce yesterday at our relationship therapy. I’m just so confused and lost. I feel like I’m drowning. What you are having (feeling like I am drowning) is a short lived ,expected, emotional burst. That's natural, it will pass. Thank you for sharing with us! We will be here for you. Once again your STBX lied and manipulated you and the therapist. "He's working on saving the marriage". Then he announces divorce at marriage therapy. (time for a no nonsense , ZERO TRUST policy to kick in) What he also "announced" is I'm bolting from therapy, my cover is blown, I'm no longer getting my way with everything all the time, this means war, and money is going to be the prime factor in me keeping as much control as possible. Some advise from my experience and shamwow's, be hesitant to tell the children . You may not have much choice in the matter, but if you do ,wait as long as possible. We immediately sat down with the family and made our announcement, "we both love all of you unconditionally, and this divorce has nothing to do with you. You are not to blame, this is not your fault. We will both continue to be here for you. Any questions." In hindsight that could have waited. It could have waited for another year. Instead of the 6 weeks, like you are hoping for, I was dragged through, collaborative law being rejected, her attorney's getting fired, more delays. Then came an attorney who tried to over litigate everything, and my ex who made our meditations useless, over and over again. Then came contempt of court, fraud, judges surgery, hurricanes, etc..... Meanwhile my teens remained in limbo as we all continued to live together, wondering when will it end. (it does end and things do get better!!)
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Post by ironhamster on May 15, 2018 7:00:16 GMT -5
My wife did not want to mediate.
My lawyer is a poker faced negotiator. I have never seen her hint at an emotion except one time, and that was when she read through my wife's lawyer's demands, snickered, and said, "yeah, he's not getting half of this."
Be careful how you play. I started out being generous, but the more I play these games the less generous I intend to be.
Is this an equitable split, or revenge?
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 15, 2018 7:02:56 GMT -5
I’m sorry you are hurting. I agree with others that there isn’t much need for confusion, though. THIS is his true self. He has removed the mask. He will play dirty with this, elynne. Narcissists & controllers are most dangerous when their power is threatened. Protect yourself- emotionally and financially. He said this in order to get you off balance & get the upper hand. He will not make mediation easy - so DON’T believe it if he says he will. Don’t speak ill of him to the kids but do not trust him, or believe well if him. You are a strong and resilient person. He will try to break you. It may break little parts of your heart, but your resilience will help you through this. Hugs to you.
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Post by richards on May 15, 2018 7:17:17 GMT -5
New here and I ‘m not a therapist, but I am a lawyer: Talk to a layer ASAP (like, today). Follow his or her advice.
Having a lawyer is not for purposes of fighting but to avoid mis-steps that may lead to unnecessary fighting later. A good lawyer will advise you how to structure this transition. You don’t need an alter ego or an id with a law degree; you do need a dispassionate counselor who puts your interests (short term and long term) first.
Your local bar association can give you a referral if you need one. My $0.02.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 15, 2018 7:31:42 GMT -5
elynneTake today off from work and everything else you had planned. And follow the advice given. You need to assume he has everything lined up and will auto transfer or lock you out of accounts when you wake up this morning.
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Post by h on May 15, 2018 8:04:39 GMT -5
hopingforachange is right. He could have been planning this for months. He could have been setting the whole process up so he could blindside you.
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