Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 20:16:34 GMT -5
This is basically part two of my day from hell yesterday ("never ending mind games").
Yesterday, I finished teaching and realized I had forgotten the escrow papers at home so I went back for them. By the time I walked through the door, I was in tears and my 19 year old daughter immediately jumped up and put her arms around me, asking me what was wrong. I broke down and told her pretty much everything recent. I tried a number of times to stop myself, but just couldn't. I kept saying I shouldn't be talking to her about this, that it was wrong, etc. But she kept saying she was glad to know the truth, that it is harder to see me suffering and wonder what is happening than to just know what is going on.
Then she refused to let me go to the notary alone because she didn't want me to have to face my STBX by myself. At the notary, she stood between us the entire time, shielding me. She made it into a joke so I don't think he had any idea what she was doing. I felt so grateful to have her there, but of course guilty that I put her in that position.
We ended up talking for hours and I was sad to hear so much of what she had to say. She talked about how hard it has been for her and her brother (my son is 13) to watch how beaten down I became in the last few years, and how happy and proud they both are that I got out. She talked about her father's need to control things and the way he would dismiss my points of view. She talked about his inability to connect on an emotional level with anyone, even her. She talked about his abuse of me - yep, she used the word abuse. I immediately jumped in saying that he never hit me and here's what she said, "Well, he never had to, did he? He was able to beat you down with words."
The longer we talked, the more I realized that I never managed to hide a single thing from my kids. They saw my loneliness and my unhappiness. They saw right through all of my attempts to shield them and saw all my efforts to keep things on a even keel to protect them from their father's issues. She told me that I've told her thousands of times that her father loves her, but he has never told her that himself. It makes me heart sick to hear these things. I've tried so hard to make sure that I supported my kids relationship with their father, but I can't create the relationships for him, although apparently I've been trying to do just that.
I still don't think it was the best thing to do to tell her so much of what I was going through yesterday. I put her in the position of taking care of me and that feels wrong even though she is technically an adult. She says that taking care of each other is what families do and that she learned that from me. I did finally realize that I can't protect them from seeing this side of their father, especially since they've been seeing it all along. But I don't have to put them in the middle or make them choose sides.
I did encourage my daughter to talk to him about their relationship, told her that it's important, that he loves her and that I want both of my children to have a good relationship with him. She told me to quit trying to take care of his feelings and that his relationships are his responsibility, not mine. I opened my mouth to say I wasn't worried about how he felt and realized she is completely right. I'm still taking care of him. (Ew. And grrr.) My therapist has said the same exact thing to me, but it has a lot more impact coming out of your child's mouth.
All these years, I thought I was making sure my children had a stable, happy home and I suppose I did that to some degree. But they saw the price I was paying and I can't help but wonder what I taught them about marriage, about relationships, about taking care of yourself. Especially since they saw the truth all along.
Yesterday, I finished teaching and realized I had forgotten the escrow papers at home so I went back for them. By the time I walked through the door, I was in tears and my 19 year old daughter immediately jumped up and put her arms around me, asking me what was wrong. I broke down and told her pretty much everything recent. I tried a number of times to stop myself, but just couldn't. I kept saying I shouldn't be talking to her about this, that it was wrong, etc. But she kept saying she was glad to know the truth, that it is harder to see me suffering and wonder what is happening than to just know what is going on.
Then she refused to let me go to the notary alone because she didn't want me to have to face my STBX by myself. At the notary, she stood between us the entire time, shielding me. She made it into a joke so I don't think he had any idea what she was doing. I felt so grateful to have her there, but of course guilty that I put her in that position.
We ended up talking for hours and I was sad to hear so much of what she had to say. She talked about how hard it has been for her and her brother (my son is 13) to watch how beaten down I became in the last few years, and how happy and proud they both are that I got out. She talked about her father's need to control things and the way he would dismiss my points of view. She talked about his inability to connect on an emotional level with anyone, even her. She talked about his abuse of me - yep, she used the word abuse. I immediately jumped in saying that he never hit me and here's what she said, "Well, he never had to, did he? He was able to beat you down with words."
The longer we talked, the more I realized that I never managed to hide a single thing from my kids. They saw my loneliness and my unhappiness. They saw right through all of my attempts to shield them and saw all my efforts to keep things on a even keel to protect them from their father's issues. She told me that I've told her thousands of times that her father loves her, but he has never told her that himself. It makes me heart sick to hear these things. I've tried so hard to make sure that I supported my kids relationship with their father, but I can't create the relationships for him, although apparently I've been trying to do just that.
I still don't think it was the best thing to do to tell her so much of what I was going through yesterday. I put her in the position of taking care of me and that feels wrong even though she is technically an adult. She says that taking care of each other is what families do and that she learned that from me. I did finally realize that I can't protect them from seeing this side of their father, especially since they've been seeing it all along. But I don't have to put them in the middle or make them choose sides.
I did encourage my daughter to talk to him about their relationship, told her that it's important, that he loves her and that I want both of my children to have a good relationship with him. She told me to quit trying to take care of his feelings and that his relationships are his responsibility, not mine. I opened my mouth to say I wasn't worried about how he felt and realized she is completely right. I'm still taking care of him. (Ew. And grrr.) My therapist has said the same exact thing to me, but it has a lot more impact coming out of your child's mouth.
All these years, I thought I was making sure my children had a stable, happy home and I suppose I did that to some degree. But they saw the price I was paying and I can't help but wonder what I taught them about marriage, about relationships, about taking care of yourself. Especially since they saw the truth all along.
. But not in a bad way. In a "wow, what an amazing young woman you have raised" kind of a way. I only hope I can do the same here. Be proud. Don't feel guilty. I often think that kids are very subtle and aware creatures. Their awareness is much more pure than adults'. So they get it - they see it - they feel it, in their bones. And she is now finally old enough to articulate all of it and to return to you all of the love and compassion you must have given her over the years. Wow, good job mama! I'm crying again. Peace.
