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Post by bballgirl on May 23, 2018 4:34:09 GMT -5
"I have heard that dating is a good exercise in discovering yourself again. How you treat others, and what you expect from others." I agree with this greatcoastal I went out with a lot of different men and messaged with a lot more on dating apps. I did learn a lot about myself and what I wanted for myself. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 23, 2018 7:55:53 GMT -5
"I have heard that dating is a good exercise in discovering yourself again. How you treat others, and what you expect from others." I agree with this greatcoastal I went out with a lot of different men and messaged with a lot more on dating apps. I did learn a lot about myself and what I wanted for myself. You learned how to handle disappointment. Or it helped strengthen and confirm something you already are used to doing. A skill that you may now realize was strengthened through your years of a SM. Things like accountability, decency, maturity, how someone handles disappointment etc.. are all things that tell you how someone communicates. Without any communication how are you going to have any of these needed traits to have a healthy relationship? It's not about what kind of car do you want? where do you like to vacation? It's more about do you get your way all the time? Why is that? What do you do to make that happen? Do you rarely ever get your way? Do you never have a voice? If so what do you do that makes that happen? Do you hold others accountable to your same standards? Do you have the decency and maturity to respect other peoples boundaries and point of view? Even when it differs from your own? Being around other people (dating) is going to force you to have to do more of that, instead of secluding back into your cave and continue to be taken advantage of, or the opposite, always having things done your way, and your way only, so you never have to face the reality that you are wrong and make mistakes. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 23, 2018 10:23:35 GMT -5
greatcoastal let me reassure you that I did not seclude back into my cave or in any way stunt my emotional growth. You would be right about it stunting my emotional growth if I went back to the same old expectations and relationship dynamics with Mr Bballgirl but I didn't I changed the ground rules that work for ME. Mr Bballgirl and I are very happy. If that changes - no big deal we are already divorced, I can just move out again it's that simple. I have to live in the present and make choices for myself for what I want now. I'm extremely happy with my life which includes Mr Bballgirl (who provides me with financial stability, companionship, responsibilities around the house, having someone that has my back, and having my family together) AND My FWB (who provides me with passion, intimacy and great sex but of course I'm part of that equation too - there's the self esteem that has come back) At the end of the day we did have a lot of challenges in our marriage but we love each other like family and we are happy. I think you misunderstood my point which was simply to say that "dating did teach me a lot about what I really wanted for myself" and nothing more. I think that dating a variety of people is helpful. When we look back on our life we do not want to have regrets and our biggest regrets are the actions we do not risk to take. If I would have stayed married to Mr Bballgirl then I would have regretted not divorcing. If I didn't date and have some fun while I was single I would have regretted it. If I didn't ask Mr Bballgirl to try again then I would have regretted it. Lucky for him I gave him a second chance, lucky for me he didn't hesitate to say yes. So please know that I am in no way managing disappointment. I will never have someone in my life that doesn't make my life happy and better as well I know that I'm a giving person and I make other's lives better too. When you start dating you will learn a lot about yourself too.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 23, 2018 18:06:36 GMT -5
bballgirl@ oops! My apology. My comment was placed under yours to strengthen what you said, and was sent out to the masses not to you. Sorry if it sounded that way.
I am really looking forward to learning more about myself. Not everyone gets a new beginning like I have now, I don't want to mess it up, but I need to find the balance between taking risks,receiving disappointments and having to give out disappointments. Along with receiving victories and giving out victories.
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Post by WindSister on May 23, 2018 18:19:35 GMT -5
bballgirl@ oops! My apology. My comment was placed under yours to strengthen what you said, and was sent out to the masses not to you. Sorry if it sounded that way. I am really looking forward to learning more about myself. Not everyone gets a new beginning like I have now, I don't want to mess it up, but I need to find the balance between taking risks,receiving disappointments and having to give out disappointments. Along with receiving victories and giving out victories. I thought maybe she perceived your reply in a way you didn't intend but didn't want to speak for you. On disappointments --- Hmmmm...... Know yourself. Be yourself. Don't project what you "want" on to others, simply let them BE "themselves." Be curious about them. Open to see who they really are. Allow them to show you who they are. Don't try to "control outcomes" all the time. Live your way to your dreams, let those dreams come into your life as they will, effortlessly, smoothly. Also -- something really important for Former SM'er's to remember is -- don't try to be the one running the relationship. This goes back to "don't try to control outcomes." Just KNOW YOURSELF and BE YOURSELF. Don't try to make everything "okay" for your dates. Right? Everyone gets that, right? Just let them BE who they ARE. If you don't want pizza, state it - be genuine and real. How they handle that is on them, not you. It will reveal who they really are, too, when faced with your truth of not wanting pizza.  I don't know. Kind of a rambly thought with no direction, but my mind landed here. Enjoy the process, it's not all bad. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 23, 2018 19:40:53 GMT -5
bballgirl@ oops! My apology. My comment was placed under yours to strengthen what you said, and was sent out to the masses not to you. Sorry if it sounded that way. I am really looking forward to learning more about myself. Not everyone gets a new beginning like I have now, I don't want to mess it up, but I need to find the balance between taking risks,receiving disappointments and having to give out disappointments. Along with receiving victories and giving out victories. Absolutely you have given yourself a gift! |
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