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Post by greatcoastal on May 1, 2018 11:31:33 GMT -5
This is straight from a shrink4men post.
I want a woman/man who is attractive, funny, smart, enjoys similar activities, loves to travel, works hard/ plays hard, looks as good in jeans as in a little black dress/tux, understands my kids come first, isn't a cheater, not a game player,......"do online personal adds still read this way?
What about being accountable? Integrity? Decency? Emotional Maturity? And the ability to handle disappointment? (I'll add these two: Empathy? Sex and intimacy?)
Isn't that what adults do?
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Post by northstarmom on May 1, 2018 13:08:10 GMT -5
“What about being accountable? Integrity? Decency? Emotional Maturity? And the ability to handle disappointment? (I'll add these two: Empathy? Sex and intimacy?)”
I wouldn’t put those qualities in an ad. Many people without those qualities would lie and say they had them. Instead of asking people to self identify, by hearing how people talked about their lives and challenges, I’d learn whether they had the integrity, etc. that is a must for anyone I get involved with.
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Post by shamwow on May 1, 2018 19:33:41 GMT -5
As long as you have a list like that why not add "owns a Ferrari dealership"?
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Post by greatcoastal on May 1, 2018 19:51:08 GMT -5
As long as you have a list like that why not add "owns a Ferrari dealership"? No comprende'? |
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Post by baza on May 1, 2018 20:23:10 GMT -5
Personal qualities.
For a start, your personal qualities are not all good. Neither are anyone else's.
I do not think you "list" them, nor do you "claim" them.
For yourself, you demonstrate them, all the time, 24/7.
In someone else, you observe them.
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Post by WindSister on May 1, 2018 20:32:33 GMT -5
We love what we value.
I have so many thoughts/feelings on this topic, but they are too abstract for me to verbalize.
What an answer, huh??
😅
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Post by greatcoastal on May 1, 2018 20:34:39 GMT -5
I found the "ability to handle disappointment" the motivator in this little question, that made me want to post it here.
Something a person who has experienced years of dealing with a SM can recover and grow from. Then use this knowledge in their future endeavors.
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Post by nyartgal on May 2, 2018 19:47:22 GMT -5
When I broke up with my ex, after a lot of soul searching, analysis and thought, someone on the old EP site recommended I write down what I wanted in a partner and in a relationship while it was still fresh in my mind before I started dating. That way once I started dating I could go back and check him/us against my list so as not to get confused or drawn into the wrong relationship.
So I did. I made a long list of about 20-25 attributes of the man I wanted, and another 20-25 of the kind of relationship. I didn't leave out anything, I didn't compromise, and I didn't hold back.
Then I promptly folded it up and forgot about it. A few months later I wound up in a TORRID affair with a man 11 years my junior. We are now very happily married with two kids! The attraction still crackles between us too.
When we moved from our old apartment when our daughter was about 15 months old (she's 4 now), I found that list in the back of a file cabinet. And my husband and my marriage check off EVERY. SINGLE. ITEM.
Now, depending on your belief system, you could say it was the law of attraction or fate or just getting really clear with myself that drew exactly who and what I wanted so quickly into my life. I don't know myself.
What I can say is that when I made those lists I wasn't looking to meet anyone and wasn't trying to do anything but take some notes for later use. But I do think that when you have a very clear vision and a clear desire without any reservations or resistance to getting it, it comes. That has been my experience over and over.
This wasn't for a dating website profile obviously, it was just for me! But maybe it's a good exercise before you actually get out there...
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Post by baza on May 2, 2018 20:41:03 GMT -5
I may end up rambling here.
There are certain traits (only a handful) that I look for in people generally.
In no particular order -
- honesty
- reliability
- empathy
- sense of humour
- articulate
If someone has these traits, invariably I tend to gravitate toward them, as people, as I find these traits a solid basis for a friendship at some level. I find those traits attractive.
And, pre-supposing they haven't formed a negative opinion about me, a friendship can - and sometimes does - develop.
The 'window dressing' like looks, social standing, age etc are a complete non-event to me.
Now, for a 'life partner' those traits above are a pre-requisite for me as an entry level. Plus, obviously, her availability.
And there are a couple of absolute boundaries.
Some sort of addiction, or un-managed mental issue, bigotry, elitist views or extreme political views.
That's eliminated most of the population already !!!!
Anyway, if someone has those handful of traits above, and doesn't have any of the deal buster issues, and is female, we are at the starting gate.
The next problem is likely to be that this person thinks I am a dickhead.
That effectively calls a halt to the whole she-bang.
But let's assume that she finds me interesting enough to engage me. And me feels likewise.
Now, does she draw out my sexual interest. Do I desire her sexually ?
If yes we may be onto something (if she feels the same way)
But if I'm not feeling it, or she's not, then that's the end of that, though I'd imagine we could be good friends.
But let's assume at this stage that there is a sexual BING there and we give it a whirl.
If - in her opinion - I am a pretty ordinary exponent of rooting, or she - in my opinion - is a dud in bed, that's the end of that.
But again, let's assume we are really good lovers for each other, and all the preceeding desired traits (and absence of dealbreaker traits) line up, then it would be "Well, hello Ms enna" time !!!!
The chances of all these things falling in to place ?
Not high. Not impossible either.
But in this scenario, they did happen.
9 years ago.
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Post by WindSister on May 3, 2018 5:51:13 GMT -5
When I broke up with my ex, after a lot of soul searching, analysis and thought, someone on the old EP site recommended I write down what I wanted in a partner and in a relationship while it was still fresh in my mind before I started dating. That way once I started dating I could go back and check him/us against my list so as not to get confused or drawn into the wrong relationship. So I did. I made a long list of about 20-25 attributes of the man I wanted, and another 20-25 of the kind of relationship. I didn't leave out anything, I didn't compromise, and I didn't hold back. Then I promptly folded it up and forgot about it. A few months later I wound up in a TORRID affair with a man 11 years my junior. We are now very happily married with two kids! The attraction still crackles between us too. When we moved from our old apartment when our daughter was about 15 months old (she's 4 now), I found that list in the back of a file cabinet. And my husband and my marriage check off EVERY. SINGLE. ITEM. Now, depending on your belief system, you could say it was the law of attraction or fate or just getting really clear with myself that drew exactly who and what I wanted so quickly into my life. I don't know myself. What I can say is that when I made those lists I wasn't looking to meet anyone and wasn't trying to do anything but take some notes for later use. But I do think that when you have a very clear vision and a clear desire without any reservations or resistance to getting it, it comes. That has been my experience over and over. This wasn't for a dating website profile obviously, it was just for me! But maybe it's a good exercise before you actually get out there... Same thing happened to me. Slightly different timeline. But I have my list, and my now husband checks all things off, as does our relationship. I've shared that phenomenon a lot here because it's crazy! Was it Zsus or changewilldoyougood who advocated list making? One of them! |
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Post by nyartgal on May 3, 2018 9:04:45 GMT -5
@windsister I can't remember!! I'm so impressed you remember their handles. Are you in touch with them? How are they doing?
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Post by greatcoastal on May 3, 2018 12:59:51 GMT -5
For me the point of this was "you can ask for the typical surface stuff that people look for -like on a dating site- but still end up hooked up to a narcissist."
It's also a good way to think about yourself and what you(and me) have to offer to someone else, and how we present it.
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Post by workingonit on May 22, 2018 16:31:29 GMT -5
I have 0 interest and a tremendous level of disinterest in dating ever again. The thought of on line dating or listing qualities or any of this makes my skin literally crawl. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Maybe it will change when I am single. But I just don't know.
And most of the qualities listed above describe my h. I think the main thing is the connection.
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Post by bballgirl on May 22, 2018 21:04:08 GMT -5
I have 0 interest and a tremendous level of disinterest in dating ever again. The thought of on line dating or listing qualities or any of this makes my skin literally crawl. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Maybe it will change when I am single. But I just don't know. And most of the qualities listed above describe my h. I think the main thing is the connection. I feel the same way. I tried it for a year and a half and I met a few nice men and a lot of jerks. It got to a point where I grew tired of the intro first meet up dates. I didn't want to ask all the fact finding questions- favorite music, favorite movie, favorite positions, favorite pizza toppings, etc. I didn't care to know let alone ask. Also I realized Mr Bballgirl knows all of this about me, except the favorite sexual position lol but everything else he knows and it's just easy and comfortable with him. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 22, 2018 23:02:07 GMT -5
I have 0 interest and a tremendous level of disinterest in dating ever again. The thought of on line dating or listing qualities or any of this makes my skin literally crawl. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Maybe it will change when I am single. But I just don't know. And most of the qualities listed above describe my h. I think the main thing is the connection. I feel the same way. I tried it for a year and a half and I met a few nice men and a lot of jerks. It got to a point where I grew tired of the intro first meet up dates. I didn't want to ask all the fact finding questions- favorite music, favorite movie, favorite positions, favorite pizza toppings, etc. I didn't care to know let alone ask. Also I realized Mr Bballgirl knows all of this about me, except the favorite sexual position lol but everything else he knows and it's just easy and comfortable with him. I'll mention this, there have been people on here (and people I met in Divorce recovery) who have -or had-been married for a decade or more, and their spouse knows very little about them, They couldn't even answer some, basic first intro meet up questions. Or what their spouse thinks they know about you, is only what THEY want you to be ,or what THEY expect you to be ,or the reality of who you really are ,that they will never except. I have heard that dating is a good exercise in discovering yourself again. How you treat others, and what you expect from others. New neighbors, a new job, new surroundings can all make you reevaluate what you like and dislike about others, and what you like and dislike about yourself. |
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