A year on.......and I'm out!
Apr 26, 2018 12:16:09 GMT -5
via mobile
GeekGoddess, DryCreek, and 10 more like this
Post by richfairy72 on Apr 26, 2018 12:16:09 GMT -5
So I haven't posted on here for nearly a year for reasons I will explain, BUT I'm pleased to say I am now able to be in the 'post sm' section. I would just like to say that my exit has been messy and difficult but my main message is. ...get out whatever it takes! I know it's easier said than done, but I think the FOG holds us all too long. Trying to mend them, trying to excuse their behaviour, trying to change yourself hoping for a change, making yourself ill with trying.....the list goes on.
Although I haven't posted on here, I read and read the information and advice. And a huge thanks to all on the community - I could not have done this without the help and advice on here.
So here's my story in a nutshell...
With my ex for 24 years, 17 married. Sex always a problem. No kissing no intimacy, totally vanilla on HIS terms. Thousands of excuses. He watches porn instead of sex with me. I was always thinking things would improve if x, y, z happens. I Had a brief affair after a year married, contemplated leaving. Affair ended, thought more about leaving for a few months, then i found i was pregnant with child 1 ( after what I now realise was a reset). Fast forward 7 years....another child but years of stress and difficulties, impossible communications. Child 1 diagnosed with aspergers syndrome. I start wondering. ....is my husband the same? Cue 2 years of reading and wondering, gradually feeling more confused and self esteem through the floor (after all, ALL men want sex, right? I must be disgusting to be rejected by my own husband....)
Lots of difficult discussions, my old self gone, everything seems impossible. Cue pregnancy number 3. (I now realise this was all part of the game to keep me trapped). I terminated. Indescribable emotional pain but I KNEW I couldn't cope physically or mentally, nor could my kids. Reached out for emotional support from husband. .. so, he has an 'emotional' affair apparently because he was lonely and I was too busy dealing with the kids (first son attempted suicide at age 8 due to school stress, long story).
Cue me losing the plot big time. Deep grief, depression and anxiety. Unable to cope but somehow get through. His arguments become sinister, i give up. His affair continues, I put an ultimatum down, he returns but refuses to talk it through. He carries on with affair before it fizzles out after 8 months. He leaves work, i becone main breadwinner. Still no discussion, just 2 years of him brooding, me getting more paranoid, less intimacy than ever. Then he has another affair. I was devastated but by now so numb I didn't know what to do. .....it fizzled after some dreadful arguments between us. Then I get diagnosed with chronic fatigue. I try everything, have counselling on my own, so does he. But he manipulates what his therapist says and uses it to embark on an online affair with a number of women and men....'she told me to open up to people'
We try couples counselling. ...big disaster. Left it with them thinking I was psycho due to his twisting. I carry on trying for a few months then I FOUND THIS FORUM!!!
what a lifesaver. I was not alone. Kind strangers reply to my posts saying 'it's not you'. I educate myself and realise the relationship is over.
I build up the guts to try another discussion and suggest separation . Sadly by now his mask has slipped.....i get assaulted when he sees me typing messages on the forum.
I decide to end it. Cue 3 months of abuse and stress but thankfully with amazing solicitor he gets kicked out of the house by a judge.
My life unravelled BUT I survived. I have grown. I have realised IT WASN'T ME!!!! I'm attractive and worthy of a better life. And despite having to battle through fear, despair and uncertainty I can look back and say...IT WAS SO WORTH IT.
I am free to decide my own life, I AM BETTER ALONE. I am HAPPY and CONFIDENT. yes actually happy, even without a partner or sex. I have recovered from m.e. and am starting to see a better future....
My advice from this.....don't stay because you fear the future....don't stay because you don't feel you deserve better..Don't stay because you feel you should. Don't try and mend a broken relationship if the other person won't try......they will never change. It's not your fault. Obviously not all refusers are abusive, every circumstance is different and kids and practicalities have to be planned out......
To add to that.....I asked my 15 and 12 year old if they ever feel that the divorce was their fault, as it wasn't. .. . My 15 year old said he feels guilty that I STAYED SO LONG FOR THEIR SAKES! !!!
Anyway I'm sorry for the long post and im not sure it will help people. ...but always try and see the bigger picture and stop trying to mend the unmendable. ....
Richfairy
Although I haven't posted on here, I read and read the information and advice. And a huge thanks to all on the community - I could not have done this without the help and advice on here.
So here's my story in a nutshell...
With my ex for 24 years, 17 married. Sex always a problem. No kissing no intimacy, totally vanilla on HIS terms. Thousands of excuses. He watches porn instead of sex with me. I was always thinking things would improve if x, y, z happens. I Had a brief affair after a year married, contemplated leaving. Affair ended, thought more about leaving for a few months, then i found i was pregnant with child 1 ( after what I now realise was a reset). Fast forward 7 years....another child but years of stress and difficulties, impossible communications. Child 1 diagnosed with aspergers syndrome. I start wondering. ....is my husband the same? Cue 2 years of reading and wondering, gradually feeling more confused and self esteem through the floor (after all, ALL men want sex, right? I must be disgusting to be rejected by my own husband....)
Lots of difficult discussions, my old self gone, everything seems impossible. Cue pregnancy number 3. (I now realise this was all part of the game to keep me trapped). I terminated. Indescribable emotional pain but I KNEW I couldn't cope physically or mentally, nor could my kids. Reached out for emotional support from husband. .. so, he has an 'emotional' affair apparently because he was lonely and I was too busy dealing with the kids (first son attempted suicide at age 8 due to school stress, long story).
Cue me losing the plot big time. Deep grief, depression and anxiety. Unable to cope but somehow get through. His arguments become sinister, i give up. His affair continues, I put an ultimatum down, he returns but refuses to talk it through. He carries on with affair before it fizzles out after 8 months. He leaves work, i becone main breadwinner. Still no discussion, just 2 years of him brooding, me getting more paranoid, less intimacy than ever. Then he has another affair. I was devastated but by now so numb I didn't know what to do. .....it fizzled after some dreadful arguments between us. Then I get diagnosed with chronic fatigue. I try everything, have counselling on my own, so does he. But he manipulates what his therapist says and uses it to embark on an online affair with a number of women and men....'she told me to open up to people'
We try couples counselling. ...big disaster. Left it with them thinking I was psycho due to his twisting. I carry on trying for a few months then I FOUND THIS FORUM!!!
what a lifesaver. I was not alone. Kind strangers reply to my posts saying 'it's not you'. I educate myself and realise the relationship is over.
I build up the guts to try another discussion and suggest separation . Sadly by now his mask has slipped.....i get assaulted when he sees me typing messages on the forum.
I decide to end it. Cue 3 months of abuse and stress but thankfully with amazing solicitor he gets kicked out of the house by a judge.
My life unravelled BUT I survived. I have grown. I have realised IT WASN'T ME!!!! I'm attractive and worthy of a better life. And despite having to battle through fear, despair and uncertainty I can look back and say...IT WAS SO WORTH IT.
I am free to decide my own life, I AM BETTER ALONE. I am HAPPY and CONFIDENT. yes actually happy, even without a partner or sex. I have recovered from m.e. and am starting to see a better future....
My advice from this.....don't stay because you fear the future....don't stay because you don't feel you deserve better..Don't stay because you feel you should. Don't try and mend a broken relationship if the other person won't try......they will never change. It's not your fault. Obviously not all refusers are abusive, every circumstance is different and kids and practicalities have to be planned out......
To add to that.....I asked my 15 and 12 year old if they ever feel that the divorce was their fault, as it wasn't. .. . My 15 year old said he feels guilty that I STAYED SO LONG FOR THEIR SAKES! !!!
Anyway I'm sorry for the long post and im not sure it will help people. ...but always try and see the bigger picture and stop trying to mend the unmendable. ....
Richfairy
