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Post by michael on Apr 4, 2018 7:05:59 GMT -5
I’m was pretty surprised so many people responded to my introduction. It was nice to hear from everyone. I think there is some confusion though. Let me clarify. I told my doctor I was depressed, but didn’t tell her why. She prescribed me some pills and set me up with a therapist which I haven’t seen yet. Some people here suggested I tell my doctor why I’m depressed. I didn’t and here is the reason. My wife has a personal relationship with our doctor. If I ever told the doctor why I’m depressed and my wife that I told the doctor why I am depressed my wife would be embarrassed that “I’m airing dirty laundry”. One could understand that I suppose. I do plan on telling the therapist though when I see her. I think my wife is embarrassed that I have to see a therapist though. Sometimes I think she wants me to leave but wants everyone to think I’m the bad guy. Of course she’ll get the kids, the house, the car and I’ll pay all her bills like I do already. Not so bad since presently she is just a roommate anyway who doesn’t pay for anything. I’m not ready to think of her sleeping with someone else though. It just makes me cringe.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 4, 2018 7:15:59 GMT -5
She should be embarrassed by "airing dirty laundry", it's her dirty laundry, it's her actions, and she has to own that.
Maybe better than popping a pill try finding someone to have sex with.
I was very depressed during my SM because of lack of sex. Now I have a lover and I figured out the right cocktail to make me happy.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 4, 2018 7:16:36 GMT -5
A doctor is bound by a patient doctor confidentiality. In the US serious repercussions can occur if a doctor discusses a patient's case without expressed WRITTEN permission due to the HIPPA laws.
If your doctor disclosed anything to your wife without your consent she would be liable to sanctions up to and including losing her medical license. So I doubt she would overtly discuss your case.
However she could have a chat with your wife and if the subject of you came up she could ask your wife how you were doing and a conversation could progress naturally.
My question is "so what?" Your situation is the truth. It is reality. It will not get better on its own and certainly not if you ignore it. What's the worst that can happen? Your wife finds out that you're so unhappy in the marriage that you are talking to a doctor about depression.
If that doesn't get her off her ass then you know where things stand. And there ain't a pill or therapist in this world that can cure "dontgiveashititis"
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 4, 2018 7:20:10 GMT -5
“My wife has a personal relationship with our doctor. If I ever told the doctor why I’m depressed and my wife that I told the doctor why I am depressed my wife would be embarrassed that “I’m airing dirty laundry”. One could understand that I suppose. “
Several of us who have been here for a while replied that by not speaking up, you enabled your wife’s behavior. If she feels ashamed or embarrassed that’s a natural consequence of refusing to participate in an expected part of marriage.
And why would you tell your wife exactly what you told the doctor. That’s private info that can stay between you and your doctor.
It would be appropriate to tell your wife that you are so depressed due to the sm that you saw your doctor and plan to enter therapy. If your wife’s main concern in response is whether you revealed your sm that would be evidence about how little she cares about hurting you.
If your sm is causing your depression, antidepressants may lower your depression but you still will be in a sm. For some, antidepressants lower libido and prevent orgasm. That did not happen to me during my years of being on them.
If you combine antidepressants with therapy with a good therapist you may be able to take actions under your control that will make you happy. For me, this led to my independently of my husband making friends and getting involved in social activities. It became clearer to me that I didn’t need to build my life around aman who did not love me the way I desired. Eventually, I divorced and continued to live a happy life including attracting a partner who provides the kind of love I desire.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 4, 2018 7:20:45 GMT -5
Okay. I know I'm not a smart man, so let me make sure I have this right. Your Dr gave you a prescription - on your self diagnoses of being depressed - but you are afraid to tell the Dr why because you don't want to embarrass the woman who won't have sex with you.
Personally - I think before you take the pills - see a lawyer and a therapist - maybe a counselor if want to.
This reminds me of a friend I know. Her: "The Dr prescribed pills for my pain, but now I can't orgasm." Me: "What did he do about it?" Her: "Gave me another pill that me not care that I can't orgasm." Me: "What the actual fuck?"
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Post by shamwow on Apr 4, 2018 7:21:28 GMT -5
I’m was pretty surprised so many people responded to my introduction. It was nice to hear from everyone. I think there is some confusion though. Let me clarify. I told my doctor I was depressed, but didn’t tell her why. She prescribed me some pills and set me up with a therapist which I haven’t seen yet. Some people here suggested I tell my doctor why I’m depressed. I didn’t and here is the reason. My wife has a personal relationship with our doctor. If I ever told the doctor why I’m depressed and my wife that I told the doctor why I am depressed my wife would be embarrassed that “I’m airing dirty laundry”. One could understand that I suppose. I do plan on telling the therapist though when I see her. I think my wife is embarrassed that I have to see a therapist though. Sometimes I think she wants me to leave but wants everyone to think I’m the bad guy. Of course she’ll get the kids, the house, the car and I’ll pay all her bills like I do already. Not so bad since presently she is just a roommate anyway who doesn’t pay for anything. I’m not ready to think of her sleeping with someone else though. It just makes me cringe. Oh and on the she gets everything, is this how your attorney says things will work out? If so, see a different attorney. If you haven't seen one, I advise you get a free consultation. Facts, not fear should be your guide.
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Post by baza on Apr 4, 2018 20:21:36 GMT -5
Brother michael . If you are going to sort this situation out, then everything has to be brought out of the shadows and have the spotlight trained squarely and unmercifully on it. The grubby laundry particularly. The therapist you propose to see would be a good starting point for that. And you need some quality legal advice from a lawyer in your jurisdiction so you know how a divorce would actually shake out for you. If you are in a no fault jurisdiction the scenario you paint of your missus getting everything is complete bullshit. Get the facts. That's all I suggest at this point. Fully and frankly unload to the therapist. Get the relevant legal advice. That ought keep you busy for a bit. What your missus may or may not do, what she may or may not think, what she might or might not say are not especially relevant in the here and now. And there's nothing you can do about them anyway. Concentrate short term on these controllable issues - #1 - fully unloading to the therapist. #2 - getting that legal advice. Try and steer away from things like "self diagnosis of depression" and "2nd hand hearsay about the law in your jurisdiction" Get the facts from the appropriately qualified professionals.
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Post by h on Apr 4, 2018 21:14:32 GMT -5
I’m was pretty surprised so many people responded to my introduction. It was nice to hear from everyone. I think there is some confusion though. Let me clarify. I told my doctor I was depressed, but didn’t tell her why. She prescribed me some pills and set me up with a therapist which I haven’t seen yet. Some people here suggested I tell my doctor why I’m depressed. I didn’t and here is the reason. My wife has a personal relationship with our doctor. If I ever told the doctor why I’m depressed and my wife that I told the doctor why I am depressed my wife would be embarrassed that “I’m airing dirty laundry”. One could understand that I suppose. I do plan on telling the therapist though when I see her. I think my wife is embarrassed that I have to see a therapist though. Sometimes I think she wants me to leave but wants everyone to think I’m the bad guy. Of course she’ll get the kids, the house, the car and I’ll pay all her bills like I do already. Not so bad since presently she is just a roommate anyway who doesn’t pay for anything. I’m not ready to think of her sleeping with someone else though. It just makes me cringe. No clarification needed. I understood correctly and stand by my statement. Be honest with the doctor. Bring it out into the open and let the doctor know the truth. Make your wife uncomfortable about it. Air that "dirty laundry" and who cares if she's embarrassed! First, as others have mentioned, the doctor can't legally tell your wife anything without your permission. Second, your wife is the cause of this particular issue so whatever happens as a result is really her consequence to worry about. Tell the doctor and let the consequences of your wife's actions happen.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 4, 2018 23:12:01 GMT -5
michael, you're in this situation precisely because you're shielding her from the consequences of her own choices and handing her face-saving exits instead of letting her feel the awkwardness. You're embarrassed on her behalf; don't be. She deserves to lie in the bed she's made. I would instead see a unique opportunity in sharing the situation with your doctor. Because she not only has your wife as a patient, but also interacts with her socially, she's in a position to influence your wife like nobody else. Yet, she has to keep your confidence (and your wife's). That might include her asking some probing health questions that your wife would never have triggered. Or suggesting more bluntly the health benefits of staying active sexually. Or nothing may come of it. But what she won't do is say, "Guess what your husband told me..." You have nothing to lose.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 4, 2018 23:13:50 GMT -5
michael Bottom line is this: you are in a sexless marriage. You have to take care of you because your wife doesn't even care enought to take care of your sexual needs of her. Right? You are two separate people. In any marriage, each person has to ultimately take care of themself. You can't expect your spouse to put you first when push comes to shove. This is something I struggle with because it sounds "selfish" and "uncaring". But it's not. Each of us has our individual needs and only we can know them. Only we can tell whether they are being met. And only we can care enough about ourselves enough to do what needs to be done to get those needs met when our partner can't or won't meet them. That's not to say you shouldn't be concerned about your spouse. But if your spouse isn't taking care of you, the only person who CAN take care of you is...you. Take care of you.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 4, 2018 23:39:51 GMT -5
I’m was pretty surprised so many people responded to my introduction. It was nice to hear from everyone. I think there is some confusion though. Let me clarify. I told my doctor I was depressed, but didn’t tell her why. She prescribed me some pills and set me up with a therapist which I haven’t seen yet. Some people here suggested I tell my doctor why I’m depressed. I didn’t and here is the reason. My wife has a personal relationship with our doctor. If I ever told the doctor why I’m depressed and my wife that I told the doctor why I am depressed my wife would be embarrassed that “I’m airing dirty laundry”. One could understand that I suppose. I do plan on telling the therapist though when I see her. I think my wife is embarrassed that I have to see a therapist though. Sometimes I think she wants me to leave but wants everyone to think I’m the bad guy. Of course she’ll get the kids, the house, the car and I’ll pay all her bills like I do already. Not so bad since presently she is just a roommate anyway who doesn’t pay for anything. I’m not ready to think of her sleeping with someone else though. It just makes me cringe. " michael" Just one more thing after rereading your post. Take care of you. You're talking about giving everything to your wife if you divorce. Please don't think that way. You're sounding like a whipped puppy. You have rights! You're talking about giving your wife the farm, even though she treats you badly. Think twice about that. First, it puts you in a bad frame of mind about yourself. Secondly, it may make you less able to move ahead with a decent life for yourself after the divorce. It will also make life possibly more difficult if meet a potential partner in the future, because you'll possibly be saddled by the financial and emotional needs of your ex wife. I'm also not crazy about your family doctor prescribing antidepressants without knowing so little about why you're depressed. I take antidepressants and they probably help me, but they do sometimes cause side effects and really, you ought to see a psychiatrist to get them, i think, because there are lots of different types out there and your average non-psychiatrist MD is generally not an expert in prescribing the best one for your particular situation And that would also get you away from worrying about what your family doctor might tell your wife about what you tell her (which is illegal but could happen so I think you need a different MD) See that therapist. See that lawyer. Take care of you. If you don't take care of you first, you can't be your best for anyone else, either. And you'll be miserable. Okay, just had to say that. Please excuse the typos.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 0:49:20 GMT -5
If you work this right you will have a great lawsuit. The dr, by law, cannot discuss what you tell him with anyone else unless you say so!!!!
Find ANOTHER doctor!!!
You need to be honest with dr and therapist. If you do not want to be honest then you dont want help and should not waste time going to dr and therapist.
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Post by nyartgal on Apr 8, 2018 16:45:57 GMT -5
I have to believe there is more than one doctor in your town, no? So first thing, if you actually need a doctor, get a second opinion from someone who isn't connected to your family. Like another commenter, I don't think regular MDs should prescribe anti-depressants, PARTICULARLY without knowing what's causing your depression! Would that same doctor prescribe you heart medication without sending you to see a cardiologist? Of course not.
What strikes me about your story is how powerless and passive you feel. Your wife pulls all the strings and has all the advantages and power in your mind. That gives you permission to do nothing. Nothing comes from doing nothing. So please, take the good advice here and see a therapist and a lawyer before making any assumptions.
It also reminded me of something my ex husband said at the end of our SM: "For me, marriage is about sacrifice." By that he meant I should sacrifice my happiness and needs to preserve the marriage. It seems that you've been half convinced of this idea. But it's a crap idea! Life is short, be happy!!
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Post by saarinista on Apr 8, 2018 21:59:28 GMT -5
To reiterate, find a psychotherapist first. It needs to be someone who is independent of your wife.
As for the antidepressants, I think they should be prescribed by the psychiatrist not an MD. That is true even if your family practice doctor maintains your confidentiality as opposed to telling your wife what you told her which is legally questionable.
I'm not a healthcare provider but I do take antidepressants. While they can be helpful, they are not always without side effects. A psychiatrist will have more experience with the many types of antidepressants available and should be better able to help you through the experience of taking the right type IF NEEDED (hopefully for a limited time) and moreover, resolving the issues that have caused your depression in the first place.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 8, 2018 22:33:08 GMT -5
I agree with sarinista and I’ve been a psychotherapist and have taken antidepressants.
In the US, psychiatrists are the only professionals with the extensive training to safely and effectively prescribe psychotropic medications. Before getting them, you should be interviewed about your symptoms, have a thorough physical (can be done by a general practitioner) and have lab testing to rule out a hormonal or other physiological problem. You should not be handed pills due to self diagnosis.
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