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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 12, 2018 7:46:16 GMT -5
Yeah it's hard after the leaving because you think it's gonna be all better, but then it isn't. And yes, it is hard to be away from your kids. One of the things that's really super pissed me off since separating is when I tell other parents I don't have my kid for a couple of weeks and they act like I should be celebrating. I just want to say "Fuck you. You see your kids every day. I totally get how it would be a holiday for you and it was for me too when my son did live with me everyday. But I don't see my son every day and so no - it's not relaxing."
The key @elle is to make sure you are doing stuff for you on the kid-free days. For a while you need to plan this stuff in - it will feel unnatural. But you need to get out of the house and do something, anything else - ideally in a kid-free space. Join a gym where kids aren't allowed. Go on a course, etc etc.
Honestly things have been a lot better since I've been with my partner who sees his kids even less. We don't live a 'wild lifestyle' but we do go off and see folk music, etc - things the kids would whine about.
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Post by WindSister on Nov 12, 2018 22:29:36 GMT -5
Update: He moved out. After a 4 day honeymoon where I was ELATED to have him gone, I have started crying - a lot. I miss him. This is insanity. I know it. I made a list of why I couldn't stay in the marriage anymore, but it doesn't help unless I am actively reading it (so I should read it constantly??). The house is quiet when he has the kids and I HATE it. I don't want to live like this. But I didn't want to live the other way either. I guess I don't know what I want. Except I still wish I had my family. Just being real. And real is: I miss my refuser and I am lonely and my house is too quiet and even the damn dogs can't settle down with the ex gone. They miss him too. Ok, I'm just going to go and cry now. Thanks for listening. The others already chimed in, but I will too. I know it doesn't make it easier to say it is normal, but hold on to hope it does get better. Eventually. The only way through the bad times is to go THROUGH them. That's what you are doing... feeling every emotion. Good and bad. You WILL get through this and come out better. I remember eating at the old places my ex and I used to frequent and welling up with tears for months after I moved out. Yes, I missed him, too. It would be a cold hearted soul that wouldn't after spending so many years with someone. But, like you, I knew it was for the best.... in between moments of crying on the bathroom floor I found snippets of joy on doing things I loved and recreating myself. But the tears are part of it, for sure. I always found comfort in knowing something new is being rebuilt after the destruction. And after a good cry, I always felt a bit better, stronger. Crying is healing. Wishing you the best. |
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Post by timeforliving2 on Nov 12, 2018 23:29:49 GMT -5
Update: He moved out. After a 4 day honeymoon where I was ELATED to have him gone, I have started crying - a lot. I miss him. This is insanity. I know it. I made a list of why I couldn't stay in the marriage anymore, but it doesn't help unless I am actively reading it (so I should read it constantly??). The house is quiet when he has the kids and I HATE it. I don't want to live like this. But I didn't want to live the other way either. I guess I don't know what I want. Except I still wish I had my family. Just being real. And real is: I miss my refuser and I am lonely and my house is too quiet and even the damn dogs can't settle down with the ex gone. They miss him too. Ok, I'm just going to go and cry now. Thanks for listening. Elle - I can only imagine the mixed emotions. During difficult times I have found that searching for and reviewing positive memes can be helpful. I have collected a lot of them over the years. Here are a few that might resonate with you. I hope at least one generates a smile with its wisdom.
TL2
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 13:58:06 GMT -5
Another little mini update: I’m ok! Better than ok actually. The sad/lonely feeling only lasted a few days and then, the fog lifted as my ex showed me his true colors, time and again. He is drinking more than ever. His temper is still bad. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that leaving was the best and only route to hope.
I’ve been enjoying making the house mine again. It is clean and uncluttered and the kids have rules again (ex often worked against me). More importantly, the house is peaceful. There is love, contentment, and joy in my house. The kids and I laugh and talk, and no one yells when milk is spilled or bowls are broken. We just clean it up. Sometimes we even laugh about our messes. Imagine that. And the kids seem to be thriving with their new normal as well.
Peace. That’s what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving. And I’m thankful for the courage it took to push through all the pain to get to the light at the end of my tunnel. There is so much light and love where I am now.
Honestly, I couldn’t and wouldn’t ask for more right now. I don’t need it. I have everything. There is finally peace in my heart and peace in my home.
Love to all of you this holiday season.
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Post by WindSister on Nov 21, 2018 15:24:37 GMT -5
Another little mini update: I’m ok! Better than ok actually. The sad/lonely feeling only lasted a few days and then, the fog lifted as my ex showed me his true colors, time and again. He is drinking more than ever. His temper is still bad. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that leaving was the best and only route to hope. I’ve been enjoying making the house mine again. It is clean and uncluttered and the kids have rules again (ex often worked against me). More importantly, the house is peaceful. There is love, contentment, and joy in my house. The kids and I laugh and talk, and no one yells when milk is spilled or bowls are broken. We just clean it up. Sometimes we even laugh about our messes. Imagine that. And the kids seem to be thriving with their new normal as well. Peace. That’s what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving. And I’m thankful for the courage it took to push through all the pain to get to the light at the end of my tunnel. There is so much light and love where I am now. Honestly, I couldn’t and wouldn’t ask for more right now. I don’t need it. I have everything. There is finally peace in my heart and peace in my home. Love to all of you this holiday season. Most happy to read this update from you. Peace is the most sought after emotion... may it continue for you. |
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Post by baza on Nov 21, 2018 21:04:01 GMT -5
Remember how shit you were feeling in your 10 Nov post Sister @elle ?
That probably won't be the last time you go backwards a bit during this process.
But I think you will find that these times when you do go backwards a bit, you won't go back so deep, you won't go back as often, and you won't go back for as long.
Might be an idea to keep your post of today handy to refer to when/if you go backwards a bit.
But one thing is for certain, you are well on your way to your new life.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 22, 2018 8:37:53 GMT -5
@elle - I missed the prior update & now see you got past that first phase. Mourning loss is normal, though. And another bout, or pangs of it, may visit you again later ... unpredictably, or on special dates, or in certain locations. Grief isn’t linear.
Thing is, it’s just as baza says - when it comes back again it won’t be as dark or deep or as long. You’re already growing your own life at your own pace with your own preferences.
It concerns me his drinking & temper will impact the kids when they are with him. How are you able to monitor or know if he’s endangering them? Have they got the wisdom to know when he’s sauced & not get in his car? Do they have verbal reassurance from you that they can call you on a dad weekend if they think he’s too incapacitated to be the adult in the house?
I’m a drunk. I’ve heard lots of stories in the rooms of recovery that would shock & appall normal adults. This is a topic to address with the kids directly, I think, but somehow in an age-appropriate way. Sorry I can only point to the issue & not the solution.
I’m very glad you got to “peace” - it is the most life affirming feeling to have peace, to feel safe in your environment, to know the odds are low of anyone “coming home & disrupting it”
Living alone was a big adjustment for me, but it’s a really satisfying feeling to be adjusted to it. Autonomy rocks!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2018 20:46:01 GMT -5
It concerns me his drinking & temper will impact the kids when they are with him. How are you able to monitor or know if he’s endangering them? Have they got the wisdom to know when he’s sauced & not get in his car? Do they have verbal reassurance from you that they can call you on a dad weekend if they think he’s too incapacitated to be the adult in the house? GeekGoddess, you are ever the wise one. Thank you for sharing your insights and thinking of all those details. Yes, I have spoken to the children on a few separate occasions about how they are not to be around their father when he is drinking. We've talked about what that might look like and how he might be making poor decisions. They know they are to call me or just walk home (ex lives very nearby). They also know they should never get in the car with him when he's been drinking. My kids also have my assurance that they are always welcome with me - whether it's my time or not. My daughter has so far chosen not to overnight at her dad's house. Part of it is circumstantial - her age, the sleeping arrangements. Part of it... I'm not sure. I'm just guessing she may be more comfortable at home with me. Frankly, it's just fine by me. I want my kids where they are comfortable.
I actually felt I needed to write the parenting agreement so that he would not have long stretches of time with the kids. I just knew he could not be trusted to stay off the bottle. He only has them one night a week and one weekend a month. He's only actually had them one night at a time, hasn't ever asked for the full weekend. It's a sad reality, but I think the truth is that his drinking schedule interferes with him wanting to take the kids more. Honestly, if I felt he was staying sober some nights, he's welcome to take them more. He knows that but has not asked. He's got a problem. But he denies it. High functioning or not (a term I have grown to hate and feel is a misnomer), my ex is a man who lost the best thing he ever had in me and the children... all because he'd rather drink. I'd call that an addiction. He's an alcoholic in denial and probably always will be.
So glad he's gone. My life can only get better from here.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 23, 2018 23:03:42 GMT -5
@elle - I’m so glad to know that you already found ways to let the kids be a part of the solution, for their own safety. Good to know his house is within walking distance, in fact! That’s a really good circumstance, considering his thinking - I mean, drinking.
It is sad that he can’t see what he is and/or want to change it. But there is nothing that YOU, or the kids honestly, can do to get him to see. Here’s hoping simply that he harms others the least that’s possible and manages to hit his bottom without too much damage to those who still care for him. Nothing to do about it, though. It either happens or not. At least you don’t have to see all the ugly daily details of how that evolves. And it sounds like kids know enough that they will stay safe.
Hugs, sister.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2019 0:54:06 GMT -5
2019... here I come! And I couldn’t be more excited. I’m in a great place - no man in my life, but a career I love, wonderful children, an amicable divorce, great friends (new and old), and so much to look forward to.
Feeling blessed and fortunate to be out the other side.
Love to all of you!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2019 16:07:40 GMT -5
This is such a heartening story and I'm so glad that you've gotten through the low point! I've been somewhat firmly planted in the "staying" camp but have been shifting lately. We are going through a transition, I was offered a new position in an amazing location but the pay is less. Job change, moving, build a house, budget adjustment, etc. is a lot and my wife and I are not coping well. I find myself drifting often to the "what is the plus side of this relationship?" The kids are all in College and one is almost done, they're mostly doing their own thing so that's good. My wife has this amazing ability to do the right thing with the wrong heart. Right thing - decorate for Christmas. Wrong heart - ruin the whole evening by being angry at the end. This pattern repeats so much. I know it's because we're stressed but I'm tired of making excuses for her intensity and playing middle man with our kids.
In short, I really needed to hear that it can be better and yours came at a great time. Thanks. I'm starting to make a plan.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2019 0:33:16 GMT -5
Thanks. I'm starting to make a plan. You are welcome! And you KNOW how I love a plan! Yes, I am coming to truly believe that some marriages have run their course. And it’s up to us to know when to pull the plug. Where is the honor and glory in continued suffering? Honestly, it may be that your wife is not entirely happy either. Doesn’t sound like she’s being her best self. I’m not saying that as a negative reflection on you, just that these marriages often weigh heavily on both spouses. I’ve come to see that my ex was miserable in our marriage. He just could not handle the pressure and responsibilities (in addition to the fact that he is a very self-centered man with an alcohol problem). I now see that he is much happier living on his own and doing as he pleases. He was probably never suited to marriage. He took his resentment over it out on me. My self-esteem is beginning to recover and even my social anxiety is nearly gone. It’s honestly nothing short of a miracle. I am a new and much improved version of me. And I love it! Even if I am forever single... bring on the friendships, the book learning, travel, excelling at my career, and hobbies. I. Am. Complete. All by my little self and with my friends and the life I’m building. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 4, 2019 12:21:25 GMT -5
My self-esteem is beginning to recover and even my social anxiety is nearly gone. It’s honestly nothing short of a miracle. I am a new and much improved version of me. And I love it! Even if I am forever single... bring on the friendships, the book learning, travel, excelling at my career, and hobbies. I. Am. Complete. All by my little self and with my friends and the life I’m building. Here's to " knowing that I am desired, and will remain that way" to the list of improvements. When the proper time comes in all of this healing, to rise to the challenge of conquering such a need, I'm sure you will continue with being true to yourself! |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 4, 2019 22:29:17 GMT -5
Thanks. I'm starting to make a plan. You are welcome! And you KNOW how I love a plan! Yes, I am coming to truly believe that some marriages have run their course. And it’s up to us to know when to pull the plug. Where is the honor and glory in continued suffering? Honestly, it may be that your wife is not entirely happy either. Doesn’t sound like she’s being her best self. I’m not saying that as a negative reflection on you, just that these marriages often weigh heavily on both spouses. I’ve come to see that my ex was miserable in our marriage. He just could not handle the pressure and responsibilities (in addition to the fact that he is a very self-centered man with an alcohol problem). I now see that he is much happier living on his own and doing as he pleases. He was probably never suited to marriage. He took his resentment over it out on me. My self-esteem is beginning to recover and even my social anxiety is nearly gone. It’s honestly nothing short of a miracle. I am a new and much improved version of me. And I love it! Even if I am forever single... bring on the friendships, the book learning, travel, excelling at my career, and hobbies. I. Am. Complete. All by my little self and with my friends and the life I’m building. Wish I had more than a "like" to give! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2019 14:31:44 GMT -5
It's about time for my monthly update. Still happy! I am so much better off, it's unreal. Yes, I have to shovel my own snow. Yes, I have to pay the bills (not that hard by the way!!). Yes, I have to be a single mom. But, I am finally not despised in my own home. And the relief of that makes me feel positively weightless at times.
I have no regrets. Only that I wish I had left sooner.
Carry on friends and thanks for being such an amazing, thoughtful, gracious, and kind community! Love you all!
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