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Post by shamwow on Apr 4, 2018 9:07:21 GMT -5
I woke up at 4:00 today, but not to cry. There’s progress perhaps. Thank you all. This forum really has been a godsend. For those still in the “why” or “maybe I can fix this,” go ahead and keep questioning and understanding the dynamic. But don’t spin your wheels. Choose change before it chooses you. In life, you have to be a change agent or you seal your fate. Destiny is what you choose; fate is what chooses you. Don’t let fate bury you in a lifeless, loveless marriage. I really do love all of you. When I came here about 2 years ago, I was weak, confused, sad, and scared - even though my 4 year plan was half over. The stories and advice you all shared helped me learn and grow and understand my situation. Thank you for being such an insightful, intelligent, kindhearted group of folks. Now, I am clear, strong, much braver, and moving forward. It’s not easy, but I’m doing it. And my hope is that, like you all say, I’ll be better off on the other side. In moments of strength, I know that’s the case. I just need to power through the next 4-6 months. Love and light to all of you!! I know this may sound foreign and strange at this point, but you will reach a point where you wake up and realize you haven't thought about your ex in days. As baza says you will have a new set of challenges but he will no longer be one of them. And most likely the new set of challenges will be a set of nuts easier to crack than the one you've been pounding your head against for two decades. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 17:10:53 GMT -5
As baza says you will have a new set of challenges but he will no longer be one of them. And most likely the new set of challenges will be a set of nuts easier to crack than the one you've been pounding your head against for two decades. TRUTH. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 18:58:30 GMT -5
I just wanted to post a quick status update:
You guys, I am HAPPY. I haven't been this happy in years, about 2 decades to be exact, since right before I met my STBX, around age 24.
Occasionally, I get teary at the thought that I won't have my family anymore. But most of the time, I walk around practically giddy. My STBX and I are even getting along well. We're forging a friendship. It also helps that he's stepped up his drinking and has taken up video gaming. Both are huge turn-offs for me and great reminders of why I am leaving. He's not a bad person. He's just not my King, not even close.
Honestly? Filing for divorce is the best decision I could have made. I'm going to be better than OK on the other side. I feel like everything in my life is shifting. I talk to more people. I'm not afraid anymore. I am not under anyone's thumb anymore. He can't tear me down anymore. I stood up for myself!
My therapist even declared me "graduated from therapy" on Monday when I saw her. Of course, I'm welcome to go back as needed, but she could see that I finally have my power back because I took it back.
The new Elle is in town. And she's a super fun and happy chick. Loving life again. I'll check in occasionally, but mostly, I just want to go out there and live my life. And it's going to be a great one. I've never been more excited about it!
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Post by baza on Apr 18, 2018 19:31:07 GMT -5
There'll almost certainly be some flat spots in days to come Sister @elle , so don't be shy about coming back for a re-charge from time to time.
But sincere congratulations on your progress to here ----and this is just the start !!
I do so love a success story.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 18, 2018 19:53:17 GMT -5
@elle
I'm so happy for you!
You did the hard work to create this new path for your life.
You went through the gauntlet and came out the other side stronger.
Bravo!
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 19, 2018 6:15:10 GMT -5
I am so damn happy to read this update @elle ! You deserve it!! Go be happy!
😁❤️❤️
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 19, 2018 9:35:38 GMT -5
@elle , so happy to read your update! Best to you as you start this new path in your life.  |
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2018 18:07:07 GMT -5
Time for my monthly update. All is well in Elle's world. STBX and I are still living in the same home, get along well, mostly stay out of each other's way. I may have mentioned in my last update that he drinks more now and plays lots of video games, which I actually love because it provides what I call "clarity." I have plenty of it. I know exactly why I am leaving, and I won't change my mind now.
I'm honestly very much at peace. I really did all my grieving during the marriage. I have an occasional moment where I grieve for my family, but I really was left with no choice since I decided I won't live my life celibate. I'm finishing up my internships, interviewing for jobs, getting ready to pass my exams, and soon... finalizing the divorce and getting the STBX to move out already!
We are waiting on the financial piece now. So far, STBX has agreed to everything, and we use my lawyer for all the paperwork. It makes it cheaper for us and frankly, he doesn't really care - he just wants it all done as cheaply and efficiently as possible. I don't think he even read the parenting agreement that I wrote up with my lawyer.
Hoping to have the deal done by end of July. On with my life!
A word of advice from the other side - it's terrifying, but jump off the cliff already, you'll find you have wings.
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I did it.
May 19, 2018 18:30:52 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by bballgirl on May 19, 2018 18:30:52 GMT -5
That's great advice @elle
I'm so glad for you!
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Post by greatcoastal on May 19, 2018 19:00:40 GMT -5
Good for YOU , woman!!
That's great news! It's wonderful to hear victory stories. Thanks for keeping us posted! It's all very helpful when reading about someone else's journey, the good and the bad. It helps me/us to be prepared.
How are the kids doing? I'm betting their are some victory stories there too?
Your STBX has chosen the route of denial. That's a choice, a freedom he has that is now his responsibility. Let's hope he can deal with reality before it's to late.
Don't you love the "clarity"! I called mine "confirmation". I tell myself, " thank you for confirming that I made the right choice to get divorced".
No longer your problem or concern. Better times lay ahead for you and your family.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 19, 2018 20:35:18 GMT -5
😁😁❤️❤️
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I did it.
May 22, 2018 12:23:38 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by WindSister on May 22, 2018 12:23:38 GMT -5
Good to see an update, Elle, and I'm happy for you. Great advise, too! Course, I'm all about seizing life and living along with not being a doormat, and not expecting others to change for you.
May you experience joy on the journey.
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nicky
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Post by nicky on Jul 9, 2018 23:42:54 GMT -5
good luck!
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Post by workingonit on Jul 10, 2018 7:41:20 GMT -5
@elle I am late to the party but you are an inspiration. I cannot even describe how moved I am by your story and your path. I feel my wings itching to be spread!!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2018 22:45:13 GMT -5
Brief update with more to come by mid-August: All is... OK. Divorce is hard (understatement). I can't and won't lie about that. My life is a curious mix of elation and melancholy at the moment. One moment, I am giddy with excitement about the possibilities (post-divorce) and the next, I am in tears. I'm losing my family, the one I fought long and hard for. I still feel I have no choice, and the clarity, as greatcoastal and I have discussed, is ever present.
However, it's still sad to leave this person with whom I have shared the past 2 decades. I love him deeply and always will. I even harbor hope that he will come to his senses and change once he loses his wife and children. But at the moment, in the current iteration of our relationship, we cannot be married to be one another. No one is growing or benefiting from it anymore, as it stands. On the other side, there is at least hope for growth and change.
The pieces of my life are slowly falling into place. I have a job waiting for me; I graduate next week; I am studying for my exam (I only have one chance at it, and if I don't pass, I lose the job - talk about pressure); and, my lawyer is going to be telling my STBX in the next few days that he has to leave the residence prior to our final court date, in approximately one month.
I am still working at cultivating the friendship with my STBX. It is there, in fits and starts. I honestly believe we will both be happier and be better friends on the other side of this. We had reached a point in the marriage where neither of us was getting our needs met, and we both felt persecuted by the other. In short, we were not making each other happy.
So yes, there is HOPE from where I sit, and I don't regret the divorce. I believe I had to do it, and I am excited about moving on. But this HOPE doesn't come without first paying a hefty price. Stay tuned.
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