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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 22, 2018 6:34:58 GMT -5
You will continue with a roller coaster of emotions! However I strongly believe you will find yourself saying in your mind, as your H continues down his path, " thank you for confirming that I am making the right choice! For me. Even for you, my husband, who I continue to have pitty for.And a far better example for our children".
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 4:45:11 GMT -5
Update. I'm struggling through. Divorce is hard. Sometimes, I feel light and weightless, happy even. Other times, I feel scared and horribly depressed that it came to this. How did I make such a mess of my life? Will my kids recover? Will I be lonely and alone for the rest of my life?
My STBX has started drinking more. Saturday, he was literally stumbling in the middle of the day. Last night, he drank 2/3 of a bottle of wine - on a Monday night. The trend isn't a positive one. Part of me feels guilty, because clearly he tempered his drinking for me. In other words, I had a positive influence on his addiction. I'd hate to see him sink into Leaving Las Vegas mode. But am I responsible for him? He tore me down to nothing. I couldn't live that way anymore. And I refused to keep living celibate.
It's a mixed bag of emotions and the roller coaster of my life. One day high, the next very low. I know I made the right decision. I haven't wavered on that one since the early days, but that doesn't mean it's easy untangling 20 years of my life.
You guys? Please just tell me I'm going to get through this. Because waking up at 3:00 AM to cry, well, it's just not fun.
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Post by baza on Apr 3, 2018 5:09:37 GMT -5
You ARE going to be fine Sister @elle .
That's the long term prognosis for you, but the short term prognosis ain't so good.
The miseries ARE going to get you from time to time.
All very easy for me to say from a position of 8 years out of my deal, I know.
There are quite a few fairly recent leavers of their ILIASM deals here at the moment, might be worth plugging in to those people, their handle on the emotional juggernaut will be fresher, and more relevant for you than those who have been out a while...like me.
But you DO come through this elle. You truly do.
And you are better for the experience.
You learn a shit-load.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 5:15:37 GMT -5
Thanks baza. I needed that. |
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I did it.
Apr 3, 2018 7:10:29 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by shamwow on Apr 3, 2018 7:10:29 GMT -5
Update. I'm struggling through. Divorce is hard. Sometimes, I feel light and weightless, happy even. Other times, I feel scared and horribly depressed that it came to this. How did I make such a mess of my life? Will my kids recover? Will I be lonely and alone for the rest of my life? My STBX has started drinking more. Saturday, he was literally stumbling in the middle of the day. Last night, he drank 2/3 of a bottle of wine - on a Monday night. The trend isn't a positive one. Part of me feels guilty, because clearly he tempered his drinking for me. In other words, I had a positive influence on his addiction. I'd hate to see him sink into Leaving Las Vegas mode. But am I responsible for him? He tore me down to nothing. I couldn't live that way anymore. And I refused to keep living celibate. It's a mixed bag of emotions and the roller coaster of my life. One day high, the next very low. I know I made the right decision. I haven't wavered on that one since the early days, but that doesn't mean it's easy untangling 20 years of my life. You guys? Please just tell me I'm going to get through this. Because waking up at 3:00 AM to cry, well, it's just not fun. Chin up Lil sis. You got this. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 3, 2018 7:35:37 GMT -5
No it's not fun! This will be one of the most crucial, excruciating times of your life!
But like so many things in life the difficult ones give a high pay back.
You have been a giver your entire life. Continue with that. Only now you can focus on investing in others that will gladly give back to you. You will learn to recieve.
Ask openly for giudance. Don't let pride slow you down. I can't tell you how many times I knew 90% what to do, but that 10% of doubt and fear stopped me.
You will have decisions that involve thousands of dollars and only have seconds or minutes to decide. A week later you will hardly remember them. Life goes on!
Instead I asked friends, realtors, attorneys, pastors, and my own teenage children for help!
They came through for me so many times! Just eneogh of a "push" for me to say" okay, I can do the rest, thank you I needed that".
Then would come "your welcome! Call me if you need me".
It's a win win for everyone! Go out and tak it! It's there for you!
Prayers for your husband! By helping yourself you are giving your husband an example to follow. The same for the children.
ps: save me a 💃 dance someday!
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I did it.
Apr 3, 2018 7:46:16 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 3, 2018 7:46:16 GMT -5
You know Easter is a wonderful time for people like us. People going through a SM and now a divorce.
Not to spoil the ending, but everything's going to be okay!
Revelation 21: 3-4.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 3, 2018 9:10:50 GMT -5
Yes, you do "got this!" No, it's not always fun or easy, but you will come through it stronger and better and there are good days ahead. Believe it. No, you are not responsible for your husband. I am sorry he's going through whatever it is he is going through, but it's not your fault. He's making his own choices and reaping his own consequences. You do the same, but aim for GOOD consequences for this one precious life of yours (and your kids). (((hugs)))
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 3, 2018 9:42:35 GMT -5
"My STBX has started drinking more. Saturday, he was literally stumbling in the middle of the day. Last night, he drank 2/3 of a bottle of wine - on a Monday night. The trend isn't a positive one. Part of me feels guilty, because clearly he tempered his drinking for me. In other words, I had a positive influence on his addiction. I'd hate to see him sink into Leaving Las Vegas mode. But am I responsible for him? He tore me down to nothing. I couldn't live that way anymore. And I refused to keep living celibate."
What you are seeing is how up to now, you had been shouldering the very hard work of being the emotional guardian for yourself and your husband. Keeping him from drinking or fucking up his life is not your job. You are not his mommy. You also didn't create and can't control his alcohol use. If you have difficulty understanding this, check out Al-Anon -- the organization for people whose lives are affected by others' alcohol use. Al-Anon even has on-line discussion boards. Their focus is supporting the loved ones of alcohol-abusing people. The support is to help the loved ones live healthful lives regardless of their alcohol abuser's behavior. Al-Anon's focus is NOT about teaching people how to keep their loved ones from drinking since that's not possible. His drinking is up to him. I even suspect that he may be deliberately drinking so much now in an effort to try to guilt you into staying with him. Think about it: Is this the type of man you'd want to continue tying your life to?
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Post by elynne on Apr 3, 2018 17:14:49 GMT -5
@elle, I used to be a lifeguard. When I read your post a statistic we were taught in lifeguard training popped into my mind.
In an ocean rescue do you know what percent of would be rescuers drown with their victims?
50%! We were taught never get in the water if you’re not certain you can make it back. And if your rescue is going to hell because the drowning victim is panicking and pushing you under to get a breath of air, it’s not angry or vindictive, just panic and survival instincts kicking in.
Do what you can to subdue them. Slap them, punch them in the face so you can get them in an underarm carry and get them to shore. But if they keep fighting and won’t be helped, SAVE YOURSELF!!! There is no use adding another body to the death count. You’ve done your best to help someone. They won’t accept your help. Save yourself.
That’s what came to mind when I read your post.
You’re a strong swimmer. You’ve got this. And you’ll be amazed at your grace and strength when you’re not carrying 200lb in dead weight.
Hugs.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 17:55:55 GMT -5
Thank you everyone. When the chips are down and it’s the wee hours of the morning, I know I can always count on my forum friends!
No, I don’t want this type of man. So. Done.
Yes, I’m saving myself. I’m sorry the guy might drown, but dang! I’m not going down too. To face facts, he might’ve drowned anyway if I stayed.
I can do this. One foot in front of the other. Just please no more 3am crying. Who wakes up just to cry?? My poor tortured subconscious mind. This too shall pass. Just not soon enough.
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Post by baza on Apr 3, 2018 18:27:13 GMT -5
@elle - there are two (at least) reknown insomniacs in the group, wewbwb and @shynjdude who seem to often be up, and on the site at very late hours. If you wanted some "live" feedback they might be a good resource should your "3am wake up" re-emerge. You say above - "I can do this" In actual fact it has gone beyond that affirmation....you are actually, and in real time, "doing it". |
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Post by saarinista on Apr 4, 2018 3:20:15 GMT -5
I'm always up until like 3 or 4 am, too. Eastern time zone.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 4, 2018 5:41:25 GMT -5
@elle - there are two (at least) reknown insomniacs in the group, wewbwb and @shynjdude who seem to often be up, and on the site at very late hours. If you wanted some "live" feedback they might be a good resource should your "3am wake up" re-emerge. You say above - "I can do this" In actual fact it has gone beyond that affirmation....you are actually, and in real time, "doing it". , wtf? I'm trying to sleep here . @elle , baza is right. You are doing it . |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 5:58:14 GMT -5
I woke up at 4:00 today, but not to cry. There’s progress perhaps. Thank you all. This forum really has been a godsend. For those still in the “why” or “maybe I can fix this,” go ahead and keep questioning and understanding the dynamic. But don’t spin your wheels. Choose change before it chooses you.
In life, you have to be a change agent or you seal your fate. Destiny is what you choose; fate is what chooses you. Don’t let fate bury you in a lifeless, loveless marriage.
I really do love all of you. When I came here about 2 years ago, I was weak, confused, sad, and scared - even though my 4 year plan was half over. The stories and advice you all shared helped me learn and grow and understand my situation. Thank you for being such an insightful, intelligent, kindhearted group of folks.
Now, I am clear, strong, much braver, and moving forward. It’s not easy, but I’m doing it. And my hope is that, like you all say, I’ll be better off on the other side. In moments of strength, I know that’s the case. I just need to power through the next 4-6 months.
Love and light to all of you!!
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