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Post by northstarmom on Mar 30, 2018 7:12:11 GMT -5
This disturbs me includingvhis now calmness: “Once the surprise passed, he had one evening of raw anger where he cornered me in the bathroom and loudly berated me and swore at me. He’d been drinking. I got him calmed down (I’ve gotten good at that over the last 2 decades, sadly) and stopped before he did anything too awful. And since then, he’s been eerily kind and calm.”
has he ever been violent or threatened violence? The most dangerous time for women with abusive partners is when the women decide to leave. I fear he is calm now because he is planning to keep you from leaving - ever. This could be like when very depressed people suddenly become happy: they have decided to end their suffering by killing themselves.
Please consult your lawyer and make plans without telling your husband. Also read about how to safely leave an abuser. Sounds like you have long walked on eggeshells when around your husband and that’s a red flag that he is abusive and the only reason he hasn’t acted worse is you have behaved in a way that doesn’t rile him. That’s not possible during a divorce from such a person.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 30, 2018 8:24:52 GMT -5
Mine's been quite amicable so far. Sometimes it feels too amicable, like she doesn't care. Maybe she's happy with the situation. Maybe she's clueless or numb. Maybe it's some kind of passive acknowledgment of the refusal. I have no clue; I can't tell from the outside. Maybe if we knew our spouse's feelings better, and weren't left guessing, we wouldn't be in SMs in the first place. I’m going to jump in here, since I’m newly divorcing and can speak to this topic now. So far, it’s amicable. He took it remarkably well in the beginning, I think due to shock. I’ve been overly generous in giving him chances and he’s taken advantage of my kindness for years. I think that even though he’d been explicitly warned (2 and 4 years ago) that I was leaving, he didn’t believe I would ever do it. Once the surprise passed, he had one evening of raw anger where he cornered me in the bathroom and loudly berated me and swore at me. He’d been drinking. I got him calmed down (I’ve gotten good at that over the last 2 decades, sadly) and stopped before he did anything too awful. And since then, he’s been eerily kind and calm. I quoted Ted above because frankly, I can’t tell what my H is thinking. He’s acting so happy that I wonder if he’s relieved I’m leaving. Or, since I’m happy too and we’re getting along, does he think he’s winning me back? Finally, I agree with Ted, maybe if my H had learned to share his emotions over the years, I wouldn’t be leaving. I have no idea what’s in his head and I got tired of guessing. Here's the thing. You are married to two men right now. Drunk husband and sober husband. It's a crap shoot as to which one you get from day to day. But depending on which one you get can be a serious issue. If he has ever laid a hand in you (including pushing and shoving) while drunk I'd be concerned. Has he been drunk since the initial rage? Us drunks like to hold all that crap in and then let it all out at once. My channel was depression rather than rage but when it finally released it was overwhelming. I work with other alcoholics that have anger as their release. Which is why I ask if he has ever laid a hand on you when drunk. If he has be wary and make your plans without him knowing. This IS an example of where you should ask your attorney what to do. He/she sees this kind of thing all the time and can steer you true. You think you know the man. And you might. But you are also taking that man out of his comfort zone and putting him into an emotionally charged situation. Just keep your eyes open, be careful, and be sure to have a bug out strategy ready for (literally) a moment's notice. |
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Post by shamwow on Mar 30, 2018 8:26:20 GMT -5
This disturbs me includingvhis now calmness: “Once the surprise passed, he had one evening of raw anger where he cornered me in the bathroom and loudly berated me and swore at me. He’d been drinking. I got him calmed down (I’ve gotten good at that over the last 2 decades, sadly) and stopped before he did anything too awful. And since then, he’s been eerily kind and calm.” has he ever been violent or threatened violence? The most dangerous time for women with abusive partners is when the women decide to leave. I fear he is calm now because he is planning to keep you from leaving - ever. This could be like when very depressed people suddenly become happy: they have decided to end their suffering by killing themselves. Please consult your lawyer and make plans without telling your husband. Also read about how to safely leave an abuser. Sounds like you have long walked on eggeshells when around your husband and that’s a red flag that he is abusive and the only reason he hasn’t acted worse is you have behaved in a way that doesn’t rile him. That’s not possible during a divorce from such a person. Agree. |
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 30, 2018 12:36:31 GMT -5
@elle
You know him and you know what he's capable of. If he's never laid a hand on you then most likely that won't be his behavior.
What you described remind me a lot of what I went through with my ex during the divorce. He was in denial - typical refuser avoidant behavior. It's like they create this own fantasy realty for themselves - the same fantasy that makes them think that marriage without sex is ok.
Well my H was in denial until the day he got served and then his words were -"I can't believe you are doing this"! Then he got angry which is a form of grief and he had not grieved the marriage yet.
He was angry for a few days but later that week we sat at the kitchen table and hammered out the details of the divorce in less than an hour - it was very amicable. Two months later we were divorced. The night I moved out he was angry again and yelling at me, I stayed calm and drove away, again this was his grief speaking.
So my hunch is your stbx is in denial.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2018 13:02:07 GMT -5
bballgirl, that’s what I think too. I’ve had years to grieve the marriage. He’s been in denial so this is all new to him.
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