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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 16, 2017 15:21:17 GMT -5
Hi. Been reading on here for a while, just signed up. I'm at the point of exit. Almost 4 years in, and the last 2.5 have been roughly once a month sex, but only if I pushed the issue. Some months none, and frequently lectures about "obligating" her to have "duty sex". Little to no intimacy in over a year and the sex has been getting worse. Anyway, we called it quits a few weeks ago, still living together but beginning to untangle our affairs in prep for moving apart. I'm a low level case compared to most on here! Welcome
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Post by h on Nov 16, 2017 15:24:38 GMT -5
Welcome tsm and I'm glad to hear that you are at least moving forward. Talk to some of the already divorced members and they may have insights you find helpful.
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Post by bedfordjones on Nov 24, 2017 0:36:31 GMT -5
I'll make this quick. I posted a few times on the EP site several years ago but drifted away from it. Found this forum recently and have been reading through the posts. I'm 64, my wife is 60, we've been married 41 years. I was shocked when I found out the clinical definition of a sexless marriage is 10 times a year or less. I don't think we've had sex 10 times in a year except maybe the first couple of years of our marriage. After that it was once a month, 3 or 4 times a year, once a year, once every two or three years . . . and now nothing. We both have some medical issues, but I think it's more a matter of it's just at the very bottom of her priorities and she can't comprehend why it's so important to me. But I love her, I believe she still loves me, we're business partners and great friends, enjoy many of the same things, we just don't connect on this one thing. I'm just trying to find a way to keep going. Thanks to all of you for this site.
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Post by baza on Nov 24, 2017 2:50:42 GMT -5
My suggestion would be to put your fundamental position - (that "everything is great bar the sex") - under the closest possible scrutiny.
The reasoning behind this suggestion is, that just about every initial story starts off from that position, but practically no stories end up remaining in that position once you've really thought it through.
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Post by M2G on Nov 24, 2017 9:53:05 GMT -5
Welcome bedfordjones - and sorry you ended up here. I would suggest you heed Baza's words. Same situation for me, and while i love my W very much this missing intimacy issue can be a soul crusher. Needs to be addressed, for good or ill. Just take your time doing it - confrontations can easily go awry.
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Post by bedfordjones on Nov 24, 2017 13:52:20 GMT -5
Thanks, guys. I've had a lot of time to think about this--and believe me, I'm the type who ponders, mulls, and broods about everything--and I honestly believe my wife and I are a very good match in every other area. She does have a tendency to be controlling, and her refusals can certainly be seen as a variation on that theme. I need to do some more thinking about confronting the situation from that angle. I don't have any real hopes of turning things around completely, I know that doesn't happen, but I believe it can be improved.
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Post by baza on Nov 24, 2017 19:17:54 GMT -5
If you are choosing to stay for the moment Brother bedfordjones , here's some suggestions for you. Sex, is - obviously - out of the picture. So you need to cease and desist from any form of trying to beg, cajole, reason, force or manipulate your spouse sexually. And you need to do this in good humour, not resentfully. You need to stop complaining about your spouses behaviour. You need to cease chasing your spouses' "why". You need to completely and willingly let it go. Sex is NOT going to be a part of this relationship. Get the pressure off your spouse - and yourself - by taking this aspect of the relationship right off the agenda. This relationship is incapable of delivering sex. RECOGNISE the REALITY of what the relationship is NOT capable of delivering And conduct yourself accordingly. Now, without any sexual pressure on the relationship, the relationship can be based on what it IS capable of delivering. That, will be "good enough", or it won't be. The wild card in the pack is the resentment level you have accrued up to this point, and the resentment levels you are yet to accrue. Accepting without resentment is a simple enough concept, but extraordinarily difficult to live. The resentment ends up infiltrating everything.
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Post by bedfordjones on Nov 24, 2017 20:18:09 GMT -5
Excellent advice. I'm already trying to do most of those things and have been successful at it a significant amount of the time. There are stretches when it's more difficult, but I just try to get through those.
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Post by bedfordjones on Nov 25, 2017 19:00:01 GMT -5
She would absolutely never go to counseling, and every attempt to talk about our sex problems provokes immediate anger on her part, so yeah, more going on than "just" sex. She seems honestly baffled that I even want sex anymore. Sometimes I am, too.
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Post by adeptlinguist on Dec 2, 2017 10:17:42 GMT -5
Hello everyone,
I’m in this awful situation and have been for too long now (years). I’m about to leave it, so hope to join those free souls in the post-ILIASM world :-)
C.
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Post by tamara68 on Dec 2, 2017 11:23:01 GMT -5
Hi adeptlinguist, Welcome here. There are a lot here in the same situation. This is a good place for support. Best of luck to you!
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Post by ladytjb on Dec 3, 2017 8:48:27 GMT -5
Greetings all! I am a 30 year old woman, married for 5 years, together for 10, and we are in a sexless marriage. The first 5-6 years were great! But the last 4-5 years have been awful. We’ve had sex MAYBE 15 times in 5 years. I miss my husband more than he could ever even realize and am hoping we can get figure this out and get to a better place together.
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Post by h on Dec 3, 2017 9:11:51 GMT -5
Welcome ladytjb and I'm sorry you found yourself here. Whenever you feel comfortable, start up a thread in the SM issues tab and you can share your story with us. I hope being here helps.☺
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Post by jag2020 on Dec 3, 2017 10:04:57 GMT -5
Hey all I am new to the group. I have been married to my husband for 21 years. I am 45 he is 53. I have three grown boys from a previous marriage 28, 25, and 24.(he raised these older boys) We have one son together 16. Sex was great and often until about 5 years in to your relationship. When I started to show with our son. It was no secret he was not attracted to pregnant women. The birth didn't help. Anyway here we are almost complete empty nesters far removed from birthing babies and I have not had sex or anything related to sex with my husband for about a year. I love him dearly and am very attracted to him, he says he feels the same about me but just has no sex drive. I really don't understand...he does suffer with ED. The meds have not always worked in the past. Just frustrated at a loss of what to do.. hoping to find support from people who understand
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 3, 2017 10:41:02 GMT -5
Hey all I am new to the group. I have been married to my husband for 21 years. I am 45 he is 53. I have three grown boys from a previous marriage 28, 25, and 24.(he raised these older boys) We have one son together 16. Sex was great and often until about 5 years in to your relationship. When I started to show with our son. It was no secret he was not attracted to pregnant women. The birth didn't help. Anyway here we are almost complete empty nesters far removed from birthing babies and I have not had sex or anything related to sex with my husband for about a year. I love him dearly and am very attracted to him, he says he feels the same about me but just has no sex drive. I really don't understand...he does suffer with ED. The meds have not always worked in the past. Just frustrated at a loss of what to do.. hoping to find support from people who understand When you feel ready for it, create a separate post with your story. As some men here will admit, ED can be far more mental then physical issues. Do you know why how first marriage falled? I wonder if his first W became a "mother" in his eyes and that was incompatible with "wife".
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