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Post by runner on May 2, 2017 20:54:19 GMT -5
Hello, I am New here and and can't believe I am in this situation. Its been seven years next week. How common is this? An I alone? How do we fix it or at least make ourselves happy?
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Post by Venus Erotes on May 2, 2017 20:59:44 GMT -5
Welcome to 20% of marriages.
There is so much that can be done, but it boils down to communication and my all time favorite - counseling= both for you and as a couple. My guess is at 7 years of sexless marriage, you could be past the point of no return, but it never hurts to make an effort at changing things around.
I just recommended this video to a friend on my website. Michelle Weiner-Davis is amazing, as is Esther Perel, and Maureen McGrath.
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Post by dinnaken on May 3, 2017 1:44:03 GMT -5
Hi Runner, Nope, sadly you are not alone. It's a horrible situation that arises for a variety of reasons. Your options boil down to three basic choices: Stay Leave Cheat I agree with Notlovingit that communication is key. Counselling - for yourself certainly - to help you work out how you got to this point and your options for going forward. Joint counselling - well that depends on your wife/partner.
Spend some time here and read the threads; you'll find stories similar to your own and be able to get guidance from them.
Post and ask questions, as you have done here, I'm sure it will help you towards answers that suit your situation Best wishes
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Post by h on May 3, 2017 7:07:45 GMT -5
Welcome runner. I think I saw there were over 700 registered members just on this one little site. You're not alone. Hope being here helps you deal with it.
notlovingit: I love the video post. It was great.
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Post by shemustneverread on May 3, 2017 14:58:56 GMT -5
Hi, Christian male married christian female here. We had sex 3 times on our wedding night and I thought "yes, i am so happy" the next night she said "do you mind if we don't, just that I'm a bit sore from yesterday" and that's when the problems started.
16 years of struggling, feelings of rejection, worthlessness, loneliness etc has eventually brought me to the unthinkable of asking for a divorce. We are now separated, but I have serious doubts that she really understands why I had to leave and why we can't try again.
I have tried to explain again and again in different ways and using multiple affairs etc to prove we have no future but being the amazing woman she is she still wants to try again.
I know I'm probably posting in the wrong place but I'm desperate and need help ASAP
Please point me to how I can explain it better, I have asked her "how long would we have stayed married if we had had sex 3 times a night every night after we got married rather than as we have the 4 or 5 times a year?"
And also she says "but I don't understand, we have sex - it is not a sexless marriage"
now let me preface my next sentence with "my wife/ex wife has gone way, way beyond the effort I would have had things been reversed"
I'm sorry, but laying there like a sack of potatoes and having a pained look on your face and asking "why haven't you finished yet? What's wrong, have you been seeing to yourself? " and when I have finished being in a mood like "you owe me big time now" THAT IS NOOOOOT SEX!!!
I read somewhere "nobody buys a cow and pays for its milk" and while it sounds bitter and sexist and is unfortunately "cow" is used as a derogatory term for females I still think the annology works.
(Rant over sorry)
We saw a counsellor and I'm so sad he was male, he agreed with me and of course she thought "well of course he would" but I think he was being fair. I wonder if there are any females on here (christian or non-christian) who would be prepared to talk to her and try to explain it sister to sister? Or others have had success explaining it to their wife?
It's not my intention for her to realise the full extent of the damage caused to me and I know she would be mortified if she knew I had contemplated suicide as a result of the depression, loneliness and feelings of rejection. I just want her to know divorce isn't that bad (she has a great job and we have lots of money etc)
I also want her to understand because I fear she will make the same mistake again, she is very attractive (which has made married life miserable beyond words)
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Post by thistooshallpass on May 3, 2017 17:04:28 GMT -5
If I'm to be really honest here, I'd have to say that I'm entirely responsible for getting myself into the situation that I'm in now. Even if I wanted to, I can't blame my W for any of this. She is who she is. Mind you, it's not as bad as some of the situations that I've read about on this forum, but it's not good either. It's all relative, I suppose. Being married to a refuser is far worse. Regardless, it's all on me. For one reason or another, I was the one that made the choices that put me in a sexless marriage. I basically didn't think things through. I lacked foresight. I didn't stop to consider the downsides or the future negative ramifications that my choices might have. I was the one that ultimately made those choices. To err is human, I suppose. The most that I can do at this point is to not be so hard on myself. So self-forgiveness is in order. My heart was in the right place.
Anyway, I was always a high-libido kind of guy. Initiating came natural to me. And it was enough for me (for a long while) to be with someone that never said no. But it slowly dawned on me that a sexual relationship should be more than just about one person initiating and the other person just going along for the ride. No pun intended. I simply lacked the experience to know that you can't dance a good tango with a starfish. In fact, starfish don't even know how to tango. They actually don't even like to tango. Ever see a starfish taking tango lessons? But seriously ... It was my choice to marry a starfish woman. They make great friends. But they are awful lovers. Most of them are actually asexual. But it's more than just about sex. Right? Unfortunately, intimacy tends to not be their thing either. If I had thought carefully about the long range implications of marrying an asexual starfish woman, as opposed to marrying a woman with at least some of the sexual energy (and touchy-feeliness) of a Bonobo, I would have seriously reconsidered the whole thing. But now is now and those choices have been made. Lessons learned. Time to make better choices.
So, here I am, hoping that I will be welcomed into your group with open Bonobo arms.
Thanks for reading.
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Post by unmatched on May 3, 2017 18:54:29 GMT -5
Hi, Christian male married christian female here. We had sex 3 times on our wedding night and I thought "yes, i am so happy" the next night she said "do you mind if we don't, just that I'm a bit sore from yesterday" and that's when the problems started. 16 years of struggling, feelings of rejection, worthlessness, loneliness etc has eventually brought me to the unthinkable of asking for a divorce. We are now separated, but I have serious doubts that she really understands why I had to leave and why we can't try again. I have tried to explain again and again in different ways and using multiple affairs etc to prove we have no future but being the amazing woman she is she still wants to try again. I know I'm probably posting in the wrong place but I'm desperate and need help ASAP Please point me to how I can explain it better, I have asked her "how long would we have stayed married if we had had sex 3 times a night every night after we got married rather than as we have the 4 or 5 times a year?" And also she says "but I don't understand, we have sex - it is not a sexless marriage" now let me preface my next sentence with "my wife/ex wife has gone way, way beyond the effort I would have had things been reversed" I'm sorry, but laying there like a sack of potatoes and having a pained look on your face and asking "why haven't you finished yet? What's wrong, have you been seeing to yourself? " and when I have finished being in a mood like "you owe me big time now" THAT IS NOOOOOT SEX!!! I read somewhere "nobody buys a cow and pays for its milk" and while it sounds bitter and sexist and is unfortunately "cow" is used as a derogatory term for females I still think the annology works. (Rant over sorry) We saw a counsellor and I'm so sad he was male, he agreed with me and of course she thought "well of course he would" but I think he was being fair. I wonder if there are any females on here (christian or non-christian) who would be prepared to talk to her and try to explain it sister to sister? Or others have had success explaining it to their wife? It's not my intention for her to realise the full extent of the damage caused to me and I know she would be mortified if she knew I had contemplated suicide as a result of the depression, loneliness and feelings of rejection. I just want her to know divorce isn't that bad (she has a great job and we have lots of money etc) I also want her to understand because I fear she will make the same mistake again, she is very attractive (which has made married life miserable beyond words) If you are interested in a Christian viewpoint, look up csl - he has a blog which I think is linked from his member page and he would be able to point you to some good resources.
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Post by bballgirl on May 3, 2017 20:31:36 GMT -5
If I'm to be really honest here, I'd have to say that I'm entirely responsible for getting myself into the situation that I'm in now. Even if I wanted to, I can't blame my W for any of this. She is who she is. Mind you, it's not as bad as some of the situations that I've read about on this forum, but it's not good either. It's all relative, I suppose. Being married to a refuser is far worse. Regardless, it's all on me. For one reason or another, I was the one that made the choices that put me in a sexless marriage. I basically didn't think things through. I lacked foresight. I didn't stop to consider the downsides or the future negative ramifications that my choices might have. I was the one that ultimately made those choices. To err is human, I suppose. The most that I can do at this point is to not be so hard on myself. So self-forgiveness is in order. My heart was in the right place. Anyway, I was always a high-libido kind of guy. Initiating came natural to me. And it was enough for me (for a long while) to be with someone that never said no. But it slowly dawned on me that a sexual relationship should be more than just about one person initiating and the other person just going along for the ride. No pun intended. I simply lacked the experience to know that you can't dance a good tango with a starfish. In fact, starfish don't even know how to tango. They actually don't even like to tango. Ever see a starfish taking tango lessons? But seriously ... It was my choice to marry a starfish woman. They make great friends. But they are awful lovers. Most of them are actually asexual. But it's more than just about sex. Right? Unfortunately, intimacy tends to not be their thing either. If I had thought carefully about the long range implications of marrying an asexual starfish woman, as opposed to marrying a woman with at least some of the sexual energy (and touchy-feeliness) of a Bonobo, I would have seriously reconsidered the whole thing. But now is now and those choices have been made. Lessons learned. Carefully considered choices to be made. So, here I am, hoping that I will be welcomed into your group with open Bonobo arms. Thanks for reading. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. Read a lot and I hope the support helps.
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Post by lyn on May 3, 2017 20:52:18 GMT -5
If I'm to be really honest here, I'd have to say that I'm entirely responsible for getting myself into the situation that I'm in now. Even if I wanted to, I can't blame my W for any of this. She is who she is. Mind you, it's not as bad as some of the situations that I've read about on this forum, but it's not good either. It's all relative, I suppose. Being married to a refuser is far worse. Regardless, it's all on me. For one reason or another, I was the one that made the choices that put me in a sexless marriage. I basically didn't think things through. I lacked foresight. I didn't stop to consider the downsides or the future negative ramifications that my choices might have. I was the one that ultimately made those choices. To err is human, I suppose. The most that I can do at this point is to not be so hard on myself. So self-forgiveness is in order. My heart was in the right place. Anyway, I was always a high-libido kind of guy. Initiating came natural to me. And it was enough for me (for a long while) to be with someone that never said no. But it slowly dawned on me that a sexual relationship should be more than just about one person initiating and the other person just going along for the ride. No pun intended. I simply lacked the experience to know that you can't dance a good tango with a starfish. In fact, starfish don't even know how to tango. They actually don't even like to tango. Ever see a starfish taking tango lessons? But seriously ... It was my choice to marry a starfish woman. They make great friends. But they are awful lovers. Most of them are actually asexual. But it's more than just about sex. Right? Unfortunately, intimacy tends to not be their thing either. If I had thought carefully about the long range implications of marrying an asexual starfish woman, as opposed to marrying a woman with at least some of the sexual energy (and touchy-feeliness) of a Bonobo, I would have seriously reconsidered the whole thing. But now is now and those choices have been made. Lessons learned. Carefully considered choices to be made. So, here I am, hoping that I will be welcomed into your group with open Bonobo arms. Thanks for reading. [ Welcome thistooshallpass - it's sounds like you've got a handle on your situation which is a large part of the battle. I hope with reading other's stories, as well as, posting you can at least gain some comfort here. We do understand - that's an understatement. Bonobos huh? Lol
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Post by csl on May 3, 2017 23:36:08 GMT -5
thistooshallpass- unmatched directed you to look up my blog, and I second that. I do write from a Christian perspective, and being a librarian, myself blog would be incomprehensible if I didn't have boocoodles of links. The mods have been kind enough to let me reference myself blog from time to time, and so here goes -when you get there, be sure to find the links I have there. You will find several written by women bloggers.
curmudgeonlylibrarian.wordpress.com
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dewal
New Member
Trying to find my way
Posts: 3
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Post by dewal on May 4, 2017 8:28:03 GMT -5
New to the ILIASM forum? Please introduce yourself on this thread; just press " Reply". Long time lurker? It's never too late... please introduce yourself when you are ready. After your first post here, when you have more to tell or ask, you should probably start a NEW thread for that discussion in the Sexless Marriage Issues board; click " Create Thread" there. New members should read through the threads in the " Welcome" board, particularly the " Guidelines" and " Quick Start" threads. The keyword is "respect". Site moderators will use the Guidelines to guide their moderation decisions; posts may be moved to a more appropriate forum, or in egregious cases of disrepsect, posts may be redacted or deleted. Trust us: that will make everyone's experience here better. -- Admin
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dewal
New Member
Trying to find my way
Posts: 3
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Post by dewal on May 4, 2017 8:37:36 GMT -5
Hi Appleaday, So sorry to hear of your situation. From what you have said, it sounds as if he's just inexperienced, which is why he watches porn, because he then he 'can't get anything wrong.' I think it's a great idea to seek counseling, but why not both go see a sex therapist? I'm guessing such a professional would be able to help you. Certainly, everyone here will do their best to help and support you.
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dewal
New Member
Trying to find my way
Posts: 3
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Post by dewal on May 4, 2017 9:22:33 GMT -5
I Have been married 42 years,the day before I married,my wife she was a MISS, the last 27 years she has been a NIIS,(not interested in sex) END OF STORY, can't discuss it, sleep in seperate rooms. Rather than a husband I feel like a 'thing' We have 2 daughters, I believe they both love me, they call on me whenever they need help, but in reality they are their mothers daughters, a 3 to 1 family,and somewhat like having 3 wives. I'm controlled, and MANipulated every day. I know I am in a rut, married but lonely and obviously depressed! I have dream't so many times that I am trapped at the bottom of a dry well,surrounded by flat slippery glazed bricks, there is no way out. I can't talk to anyone, mates friends or family,our marriage, I am repeatedly told, is none of anyone's business . My wife/room mate is totally dependent on me,she will drive 2k to a local shop, but is unable to drive 20 minutes on a main road claiming a lack of sense of direction, in a way I am her slave, I do the things she doesn't want to do, and I KNOW exactly what everyone will say, more fool you, but I have " 2 daughters and 6 grand kids "
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Post by csl on May 4, 2017 16:59:07 GMT -5
I Have been married 42 years,the day before I married,my wife she was a MISS, the last 27 years she has been a NIIS,(not interested in sex) END OF STORY, can't discuss it, sleep in seperate rooms. Rather than a husband I feel like a 'thing' We have 2 daughters, I believe they both love me, they call on me whenever they need help, but in reality they are their mothers daughters, a 3 to 1 family,and somewhat like having 3 wives. I'm controlled, and MANipulated every day. I know I am in a rut, married but lonely and obviously depressed! I have dream't so many times that I am trapped at the bottom of a dry well,surrounded by flat slippery glazed bricks, there is no way out. I can't talk to anyone, mates friends or family,our marriage, I am repeatedly told, is none of anyone's business . My wife/room mate is totally dependent on me,she will drive 2k to a local shop, but is unable to drive 20 minutes on a main road claiming a lack of sense of direction, in a way I am her slave, I do the things she doesn't want to do, and I KNOW exactly what everyone will say, more fool you, but I have " 2 daughters and 6 grand kids " On my blog, I have a saying that has become my mantra: If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. Do nothing, and you know how the rest of your life will play out. Your call....
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Post by thistooshallpass on May 4, 2017 20:22:15 GMT -5
Hi Lyn! If I had to reincarnate into an animal in my next life, I would want to be a Bonobo. They have awesome sex lives and seem to enjoy intimacy. What animal would you be, and why?
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