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Post by ted on Feb 24, 2018 12:52:38 GMT -5
I just turned down a last-minute request from my STBX (separated several years, divorce process underway) to go swimming with her and the kids today. I politely declined, but what I'm really thinking is: "Are you crazy? As traumatized as I am by our sex life and consequently failing marriage, you think I'd be okay spending the day with you in your swimsuit? I barely make eye contact with you when we exchange kids, if you haven't noticed. I don't want to know whether your hair looks nice; I don't want to know what you're wearing; I don't want to see how you're shaped like a woman. I sure has hell don't want to spend the day with you in a bathing suit."
After several years of being separated, I'd have guessed these things wouldn't be so anxiety provoking to me, but they sure are. I truly don't understand her world, where she frequently makes boundary-crossing suggestions like this, apparently unawares. It's one way the SM lives on.
It's progress I said no. It's hard for me to hold my ground when it's something I feel inside that she wouldn't understand.
Come on cortisol, dissipate.
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Post by Caris on Feb 24, 2018 14:50:50 GMT -5
It’s perfectly normal to have the reaction you had, given the trauma you have experienced with her. A SM (when deliberate) is abuse, and can cause great pain and damage to one’s psyche. I think you are dealing with it in the right way by giving her a wide berth.
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Post by baza on Feb 24, 2018 19:40:59 GMT -5
In your 18 July 2016 post, you mention having been separated for 2 years - i.e. 2014.
It's now 2018.
Could a case be made for you to hunt that divorce through, thus putting a full stop to that particular aspect of your life ?
It would give you BOTH a chance to move on into the next phase of your respective lives, rather than remain in this twilight zone hiatus where the issue just rolls along, unresolved.
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Post by ted on Feb 25, 2018 0:50:11 GMT -5
Yes, baza , you've got that right; it's been four years now. Someday I'll write more about my exit story. It's different than many stories here in that I managed to leave and work through most of the elements that keep other people stuck—being without her, parenting alone, splitting finances, losing family and friends, etc.—while still remaining stuck in other ways, and ultimately not being officially divorced yet. You're also right that we very much need to leave this twilight zone. As of this moment, things are moving as quickly as they can. In my jurisdiction there are two main agreements that the parties in a non-contested divorce must make. The first has been filed with the court and blessed by the judge, and we're presently negotiating the second, with the help of our respective lawyers. It ought to be wrapped up in within another month or two, though I've said that more than once before. I'll make no defense for the past, but for now I'll say that, in my experience, no part of the exit is easy. When you think you've made it over the hill and can coast down to the finish line, you're probably wrong. The journey consists of many hills, many of which you can't see until you crest the preceding hill. Keep pushing the gas petal, lest you get stuck in one of the many valleys. For what it's worth, I don't think our status has much bearing on her actions. That might sound odd, but maybe not; you all know what SMs are like. |
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 26, 2018 8:14:53 GMT -5
Is your wife seeing someone else?
Is she attractive in a swimsuit?
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Post by ted on Feb 26, 2018 10:08:41 GMT -5
lwoetin , no and yes. But if you're asking for yourself, that dog don't hunt.
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 26, 2018 12:34:47 GMT -5
lwoetin , no and yes. But if you're asking for yourself, that dog don't hunt. hahaha, I'm jealous of you and Drycreek because you two got hot wives. Can I howl now???!!! I was wondering about her status with you. You obviously still have strong feelings for her. She hasn't replaced you with another man. Perhaps there is a deal to be made. |
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Post by ted on Feb 26, 2018 16:43:02 GMT -5
That's the kicker, isn't it, lwoetin? I was attracted to her; I did love her; I suppose I do still in some ways. But all my wanting, wishing, and trying didn't make for a reciprocal relationship with all the components of a marriage. She doesn't want the same things I want, and I can't change that. Yes, I'm pretty sure she'd still make a deal. She seems to have been pretty happy with the deal we had, and she'd probably make something like it again. None of her words or actions over the course of four years have demonstrated her offer has changed for the better or worse. That fallback deal being on the table the entire time has made this process harder. There's no point at which I've pushed it over the point of no return and could let it coast on its own momentum across the finish line. Hell, for all I know, a file-stamped divorce decree won't even be a point of no return. :shudder: No, this exit journey is 100% powered from within me. The blame is all mine. Many days doubt weighs me down. Exiting isn't for the faint of heart. The freedom to choose is a hell of a responsibility. |
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Post by nancyb on Feb 26, 2018 18:05:10 GMT -5
Ted : Sorry you are feeling unsettled. If you are coparenting with your former spouse she will never be out of your life. Sounds like its time to make some peace within yourself.
Exiting isn't for the faint of heart, you've got that right, but, speaking for myself its been one hell of a growth spurt since. I am no longer the woman who tolerated a sexless marriage eating herself into numbness.
Ive had plenty of sex since the separation ( 2 years in June) and am presently without a partner. I'm not too worried because POF will always be there if I want it and besides I'm channelling some of my energy into may newest passion watercolour. LOL
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Post by obobfla on Feb 26, 2018 21:34:12 GMT -5
ted, I see your point, but several other thoughts come through with your post. The first one is that it’s February. I’m in Florida, and it’s still too cold for me to swim. Must be heaters or you are somewhere warmer, maybe in Baza’s neck of the woods. The second is that the request to go swimming was probably made at the behest of your kids. She wasn’t wearing the swimsuit to torture you. But I think she wanted some normal “family time,” as dysfunctional as that may be. Whether it was a ploy to reconsider your decision, I have no idea. But I do know kids like to see their parents get along. Your marriage is not going to be saved, nor should it be at this point. You both have to move on. If you both need counseling to set ground rules, go for it. But you both have to get over whatever resentments to be capable co-parents together. I’ve never been a divorced parent, so I can’t speak from personal experience. But I know that the resentment I created towards my wife over a sexless marriage hurt both my son and me.
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Post by ted on Feb 27, 2018 16:38:47 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouragement, nancyb. obobfla, it was an indoor pool. I'm in Chicago, where it's still plenty cold. You're right, this was about the kids; it was not a ploy. We co-parent well, and I'm thankful for that. I gracefully stomach many difficult situations of the sake of the kids, but I'm trying to avoid the ones that feel inappropriately intimate, or tug too hard on the heartstrings of the past. There have to be boundaries somewhere, right? Otherwise we'd be married. When she fails to recognize those situations for herself, it just confirms the emotional differences between us, I suppose. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 27, 2018 18:40:29 GMT -5
In your 18 July 2016 post, you mention having been separated for 2 years - i.e. 2014. It's now 2018. Could a case be made for you to hunt that divorce through, thus putting a full stop to that particular aspect of your life ? It would give you BOTH a chance to move on into the next phase of your respective lives, rather than remain in this twilight zone hiatus where the issue just rolls along, unresolved. Thinking the same. Sometimes you just gotta shit or get off the pot. |
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Post by ted on Feb 27, 2018 19:32:08 GMT -5
shamwow, no doubt. I don't recommend my 4-year sit to anyone, numb legs and all that. I try not to think of the money this is costing me in a higher percentage (progressive scale here in Illinois) of a longer marriage, and an extra four years during this interim. Thank god at least we're not in permanent alimony territory yet. I'm trying now, really, I am. Watching your story has helped; thanks for that. Add to the list of things that doesn't fix a SM: throwing your big cards down on the table and waiting—a long time—for a reaction from the other player.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 27, 2018 20:34:50 GMT -5
shamwow, no doubt. I don't recommend my 4-year sit to anyone, numb legs and all that. I try not to think of the money this is costing me in a higher percentage (progressive scale here in Illinois) of a longer marriage, and an extra four years during this interim. Thank god at least we're not in permanent alimony territory yet. I'm trying now, really, I am. Watching your story has helped; thanks for that. Add to the list of things that doesn't fix a SM: throwing your big cards down on the table and waiting—a long time—for a reaction from the other player. Ain't that true! Actually throwing any cards on the table before you're ready to sit down and play is of questionable value. I am glad my story helped! Best luck to you brother |
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 27, 2018 23:37:05 GMT -5
That's the kicker, isn't it, lwoetin? I was attracted to her; I did love her; I suppose I do still in some ways. But all my wanting, wishing, and trying didn't make for a reciprocal relationship with all the components of a marriage. She doesn't want the same things I want, and I can't change that. Yes, I'm pretty sure she'd still make a deal. She seems to have been pretty happy with the deal we had, and she'd probably make something like it again. None of her words or actions over the course of four years have demonstrated her offer has changed for the better or worse. That fallback deal being on the table the entire time has made this process harder. There's no point at which I've pushed it over the point of no return and could let it coast on its own momentum across the finish line. Hell, for all I know, a file-stamped divorce decree won't even be a point of no return. :shudder: No, this exit journey is 100% powered from within me. The blame is all mine. Many days doubt weighs me down. Exiting isn't for the faint of heart. The freedom to choose is a hell of a responsibility. I am baffled how neither of you found other partners. Perhaps this is some sort of fallback deal. There's plenty of attractive, loving women out there for you. You just have to surrender. I cannot process how you have held on for so long. What are you waiting for, what do you want? For myself, I am still in love with my wife. It is inconceivable to leave at my stage. But I keep my eyes open for possibilities. I'm sure exiting leads to plenty of C21H30O5. |
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