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Post by mypaintbrushes on Feb 20, 2018 17:11:32 GMT -5
Just a ponder. I was taught as a kid that love is only love if it’s reciprocated. So, if my spouse loves me but I don’t feel the same, it’s not true love.
The same teacher explained to us that unconditional love only exists between God and us (I went to religious school). Additionally, I’ve read that unconditional love is undesirable in a relationship, as the concept can be used by a spouse or SO to excuse bad or abusive behavior. Love is and SHOULD be conditional.
Thoughts on this?
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2018 17:59:11 GMT -5
Personal thoughts only - definitely NOT a suggestion.
I think "unconditional love" is a decidedly unhealthy and unhelpful thing in an adult relationship.
By inference, it means you will cop any bullshit actions / behaviours in the other person, and then back up for more of the same.
And that, will lead you to a super unbalanced relationship, with one person making ALL the concessions, and the other expecting all concessions to go in their favour.
Under such circumstances, it is pretty hard to see how the *extender* of unconditional love has any chance at all of their aspirations and dreams being realised in such an unbalanced environment.
It might also be worth looking into whether it is unconditional love in play - or whether it is more like co-dependence or traumatic bonding. They can all look rather similar to each other.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 20, 2018 18:10:31 GMT -5
Unconditional love is not only between us and God, unconditional love exists between parent and child, that's my opinion.
I love my siblings, parents and my children unconditionally.
That's possible because it's not romantic love. Love for family stands the test of time, romantic love does not.
Romantic love is perishable, and not unconditional.
Just some of my thoughts
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Post by WindSister on Feb 20, 2018 18:57:29 GMT -5
Unconditional love is not only between us and God, unconditional love exists between parent and child, that's my opinion. I love my siblings, parents and my children unconditionally. That's possible because it's not romantic love. Love for family stands the test of time, romantic love does not. Romantic love is perishable, and not unconditional. Just some of my thoughts I don't know -- isn't all love conditional to a point? I will always "love" family and friends but if they were continually abusive to me, no, I wouldn't. Regardless of who they are to me. |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 20, 2018 19:11:04 GMT -5
Unconditional love is not only between us and God, unconditional love exists between parent and child, that's my opinion. I love my siblings, parents and my children unconditionally. That's possible because it's not romantic love. Love for family stands the test of time, romantic love does not. Romantic love is perishable, and not unconditional. Just some of my thoughts I don't know -- isn't all love conditional to a point? I will always "love" family and friends but if they were continually abusive to me, no, I wouldn't. Regardless of who they are to me. I understand that and where there's abuse - I agree - we cut them out of our life and most likely not love them but I believe most family relationships are not abusive. As well unconditional love is not just between God and us, I disagree with that. Also another variable is whether a person is capable of loving unconditionally. Some people are more giving of love than others. A big part of that factor in any relationship is honesty and trust too. |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 21, 2018 8:29:53 GMT -5
OP, I don't know if love "should" be this or that, I just know that if I am sharing my life with someone, my short, precious life, I WON'T put up with shit behavior.
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Post by elkclan2 on Feb 21, 2018 8:50:16 GMT -5
I think love can be unconditional and not reciprocal. I still love my SM spouse, in a way, although it's changed in nature substantially.
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Post by Caris on Feb 23, 2018 13:15:01 GMT -5
I do believe in unconditional love. That doesn’t mean you put up with mistreatment or a toxic relationship. You can, and should, walk away from that. However, walking away and never seeing or speaking with that person again does not mean the love in your own heart has died. It may die in time (sooner or later), or may never die. You may still love that person years later, but you also love and respect yourself enough to know what is not good for your wellbeing. It most definitely is love if it’s not reciprocal. In the words of Rumi, “ love is always in the lover.” Regardless of another’s heart, it is what is in your own that defines love.
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Post by elkclan2 on Feb 24, 2018 5:24:02 GMT -5
Yes, thank you Caris - that describes the way I feel. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2018 17:44:33 GMT -5
I don’t think you can always control love. Most of us have loved someone who wasn’t good for us - even though we knew they weren’t good for us. And some of us have tried to force ourselves to love somebody who’s a perfectly good person, but just not “it” for us. If there is a way to control who you love or don’t love, I’d like to know it. That would solve a lot of problems for me.
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Post by wewbwb on Feb 26, 2018 17:54:55 GMT -5
 I love this painting. It doesn't love me. Do I still love it? My point is: a. - I can make analogies that do not apply (can't have an analogy without anal.) b.- Yes - I can make anything about sex. c.- MY ability to love is not dependent on others. In fact, I'd think that if my love is dependent on if the actions of another person - I'd question if in fact I did love them. This is not to say that I will approve of everything they do (Children for example) or even I "benefit" from the relationship (my sister). This does not stop me from loving them. |
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Post by nancyb on Feb 26, 2018 18:13:52 GMT -5
"I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all"
Joni Mitchell and my sentiments exactly!
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 26, 2018 20:28:50 GMT -5
wewbwb, that is a great painting but I like the Don McLean song better. As to the original question I have difficulty assigning the concepts of conditional or unconditional to the mystery of love. How can it be love if there is negotiation involved? I will only love you if your hair is red and long? Sounds like a business agreement. So if conditional love cannot exist then unconditional love has no meaning, nothing to compare to. Love is love. I think it just needs to be accepted on faith. I also differentiate between love and a relationship. A relationship is always conditional. It is a series of negotiations to achieve an optimal outcome. A relationship thrives or fails based of the success of negotiations of how the participants lives will intermingle. We on this forum are all too familiar with unsuccessful relationship negotiations. They are usually unsuccessful because love gets into the mix, disrupting the negotiations with emotional attachment. If I go to the car dealer and negotiate for a new car then success may involve leaving and going to a different dealer or a different model. Since neither thecdealer or i have an emotional stake in the relationship then a "no deal" can be successful. However, if I am negotiating for the only 1964 Barracuda fastback for sale in the state and if I am emotionally committed to the car because it reminds me of the first time I got laid then the negotiations and my relationship with the dealer takes on a whole different set of conditions. My emotional attachment to the car sours the negotiations and can cause me to agree to terms that are ultimately unfavorable.
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Post by wewbwb on Feb 27, 2018 6:19:39 GMT -5
jim44444 Let's say you get the barracuda . Only to find it's a slant 6 instead of the 426 dual quad. Do you still love it?
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 27, 2018 9:40:56 GMT -5
jim44444 Let's say you get the barracuda . Only to find it's a slant 6 instead of the 426 dual quad. Do you still love it? I could not love the slant six but would be happy with a 318 4 barrel as long as it is stick shift on the floor. |
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