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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 13:47:57 GMT -5
So much of life consists of pretending to like situations and people that we really don’t like.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 16, 2018 14:02:33 GMT -5
This is one of those vague status updates that leaves the audience curious to know more.  Are you in one of those situations right now with people you don't like right now? And, yes, we do have to do this a lot and we call it a lot of different things: being "professional," being "civil," being "courteous." I won't get all wordy, though I am tempted because this is an interesting topic. Do we have to pretend? Can we be polite without faking it? Direct without being mean? Do we "have to" "like" everything and everyone? Hmmm..... |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 16:22:47 GMT -5
Well, courtesy does make life a lot easier, and I’m all for it. And most people (if they are honest, which is rare) don’t really like a lot of things, but they don’t say so. Nobody likes someone who complains all the time, so we tend to smile and say something non-controversial in a lot of social situations.
And, if you think about it - how many things do you strongly like or strongly dislike? IMHO, there’s a huge gray area in between. There’s a lot of things at my job, for instance, that are a minor irritation, but it’s not the end of the world. And there are other things that I sort of like....don’t actively DISlike.....but you couldn’t say I like them a lot, either. Like the old TV show, King of the Hill. I would never deliberately set aside time to watch that, but if the TV happened to be on and I was in the room, I probably wouldn’t change the channel.
How do you describe things or people that you don’t have strong feelings about one way or the other? And does it mean anything if you feel that way about a lot of things?
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Post by WindSister on Feb 16, 2018 16:37:57 GMT -5
How do you describe things or people that you don’t have strong feelings about one way or the other? I think the term is "Meh..." followed by a shrug of indifference. |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 16, 2018 17:40:47 GMT -5
How do you describe things or people that you don’t have strong feelings about one way or the other? And does it mean anything if you feel that way about a lot of things? It could mean grief works in mysterious ways in our lives? Not to say we have to be happy-happy, joy-joy 24/7, but if it feels strong enough you are questioning it, and knowing (a little anyway) what the last year has been for you, that's the response I'm leaning towards. Be good to yourself, SK! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2018 7:52:39 GMT -5
So much of life consists of pretending to like situations and people that we really don’t like. Truth. Right there. In fact, I have a boss right now upon whom basically my entire career hinges. I have her for 6 more weeks. And you can bet there is a smile plastered on my face every day I’m with her (Monday to Friday); the answer to all her requests is “I’d love to!”; and the response to all her stories that I’ve heard for the 4th time is some version of “Wow, you’re amazing.” It’s exhausting to behave this way. To pretend all day long. So I get it SK. I try to be authentic in my life, to have words match actions and feelings (unless it would be rude or destructive to do so), but certain situations call for pretense. And there’s no way around it. And it’s hard. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2018 8:38:43 GMT -5
So much of life consists of pretending to like situations and people that we really don’t like. Truth. Right there. In fact, I have a boss right now upon whom basically my entire career hinges. I have her for 6 more weeks. And you can bet there is a smile plastered on my face every day I’m with her (Monday to Friday); the answer to all her requests is “I’d love to!”; and the response to all her stories that I’ve heard for the 4th time is some version of “Wow, you’re amazing.” It’s exhausting to behave this way. To pretend all day long. So I get it SK. I try to be authentic in my life, to have words match actions and feelings (unless it would be rude or destructive to do so), but certain situations call for pretense. And there’s no way around it. And it’s hard. Eeww...that can be some destructive behavior techniques. Much of what relates to staying in a SM. Not much "be true to thy self" going on there , is it? Although there is a great deal of reality there to deal with, having to kiss up to a boss. I will share that personally, I hope to avoid that in the future. That's why I don't want to go back into opticianry. I hated having to sell someone the "highest priced package" instead of filling the customers needs and having the satisfaction that I served them well. Instead the job of driving and delivering service, gives me hardly anyone to answer too all day long. An assigned destination, a route and the responsibility to get it done professionally, and independently. That's what I want again. Isn't it interesting that I need the same thing with my marriage? That my divorce is going to give me that again.? This also relates back to " walking on eggshells" and "ignoring the elephant in the room" that we talk about in here. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2018 16:00:45 GMT -5
greatcoastal, agree it's a lot like being in a SM. Except that in a job, we get paid to deal with the BS! Maybe if my husband paid me to NOT have sex with him?? 
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Post by wewbwb on Feb 20, 2018 8:14:14 GMT -5
Maybe if my husband paid me to NOT have sex with him?? If that's the case - everyone in the world owes me money. |
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Post by wewbwb on Feb 20, 2018 8:21:52 GMT -5
So much of life consists of pretending to like situations and people that we really don’t like. Although I don't like people - and situations - and people - I can still have fun in them. As long as I can entertain myself. I create back stories. Like how - at my nephews weddings. The ninjas attacked. Who would die? What would I do? If I trip the first person in a congo line how many would they take with them? If the "chicken dance" justifiable homicide? If I left now and traveled 60 miles and drove 60 MPH - how many songs will it take before the "chicken dance" song get out of my head? It's not about them. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 9:44:22 GMT -5
wewbwb, you are a terrible person. That’s why I like you.
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Post by wewbwb on Feb 21, 2018 10:01:52 GMT -5
wewbwb , you are a terrible person. That’s why I like you. He he he, I'm an asshole with a heart. A black heart but still... |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2018 11:18:47 GMT -5
So much of life consists of pretending to like situations and people that we really don’t like. Truth. Right there. In fact, I have a boss right now upon whom basically my entire career hinges. I have her for 6 more weeks. And you can bet there is a smile plastered on my face every day I’m with her (Monday to Friday); the answer to all her requests is “I’d love to!”; and the response to all her stories that I’ve heard for the 4th time is some version of “Wow, you’re amazing.” It’s exhausting to behave this way. To pretend all day long. So I get it SK. I try to be authentic in my life, to have words match actions and feelings (unless it would be rude or destructive to do so), but certain situations call for pretense. And there’s no way around it. And it’s hard. There is something to be said for etiquette and courtesy. It doesn't mean being unauthentic; I don't think it is a lie to wish someone a nice day when you can't stand them. I'm interested more in @elle's example, though: pretending to like your boss. And this relates to SMs as well. Is it possible to turn a switch in your brain from "I have to pretend to like someone but it's eating me up inside" to "I am not going to let my situation affect my happiness"? To choose to be happy, and allow that happiness to shine through - which would make tolerating situations much easier? Instead of Elle thinking she is being inauthentic by saying "I'd love to!" while cursing her boss under her breath (I'm not saying she does, but you know), turn her mind into thinking "Since I love this career, and this is needed for my career, sure, I'd love to!" Sort of how they instruct telemarketers to smile when they are talking to people - a smile changes their attitude and can be "heard" on the other end of the line. It's acting, but I don't think it is unauthentic. It is changing your mindset to make things more sunny within you and, hopefully, around you. Plus, acting in a certain way tends to become reality after a while. With SMs, of course, this is enormously difficult, because of all the baggage and expectations. I think losing those are a prerequisite to making something like this work. (To an extent, that also means giving up on any hope of a normal sex life with your spouse; I realize that - but that hope isn't getting us anywhere, is it?) Just musing... |
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Post by Dan on Feb 23, 2018 12:04:41 GMT -5
greatcoastal , agree it's a lot like being in a SM. Except that in a job, we get paid to deal with the BS! Maybe if my husband paid me to NOT have sex with him?? I like this. It can be viewed a few ways: First, it can be viewed as a payment by the refuser to the refused to "just stop bothering me". Hush money, of sorts. Maybe you can conceive of a monetary value at which you would willingly agree to, well, stop asking. Second, it is a little bit like reparations paid by a guilty party to ease the pain they infringed on an innocent party. Just a straight up compensation for pain/suffering/harm. However, I'd add one more clause: the paying party has NO RIGHT to ask how any of these funds are being spent. Vacations? Sex-toys? Going out with friends? Going out with a romantic interest? In other words: this money can be spent in ANY MANNER, guilt free. What do you think? |
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Post by Dan on Feb 23, 2018 12:26:33 GMT -5
In fact, I have a boss right now upon whom basically my entire career hinges. ... It’s exhausting to behave this way. To pretend all day long. ... but certain situations call for pretense. And there’s no way around it. And it’s hard. ... Instead of Elle thinking she is being inauthentic by saying "I'd love to!" while cursing her boss under her breath (I'm not saying she does, but you know), turn her mind into thinking "Since I love this career, and this is needed for my career, sure, I'd love to!" ... With SMs, of course, this is enormously difficult, because of all the baggage and expectations. ... Just musing... I'm going to meet your musing with my musing... The thing about a bit of "false courtesy" at work is: you are getting something out of it as @shynjdude mentions. "I'll be nice to the boss (if somewhat disingenuously) , and the boss will continue to employ me. We are each holding up our part of a social contract." But in an SM, you are trying to be kind/romantic and what you are expecting to get in return is: kindness and romance! So it is just HARD to keep it up your side of the "contract" indefinitely because you are not getting the emotional returns you expect. For the first ~20 years of my life, my sex life was up and down. For the last ~10, it has declined to zero. But when I look back, it was not the PEAKS where I was happiest... it was during any UPTICK. If marital intimacy was better this month than last month, I was HAPPY. I was happy because I thought it was headed toward a fairly high level of ongoing quantity and variety of marital sex. Heading up was the right direction, even if not there yet. There was reason to be hopeful! In marriage therapy (about four years ago), my therapist asked us to consider how the best period of our mutual marital sexual happiness... and then to consider how to "get back to that". It was then that I realized: my marriage NEVER was really at a point that I was really fulfilled and happy in that department. A) I couldn't figure out how to get our marriage BACK to that point, B) the best points WERE NOT GOOD ENOUGH to put the effort in to getting back to! It was only ever the HOPE that marital relations were headed in the right direction. Between that revelation in therapy and my participation in ILIASM, I have lost that hope. Through much soul searching and even more participation in ILIASM, I have stopped grieving that there is no hope. I'm now working on an exit. That a better day is out there for me, outside of my marriage. That there is a better me for me to become. THAT is my new hope. Will I find love again? Will I find sex again? Pfffft. Who knows. But staying is NOT a path to happiness for me. (Holy smokes... I had no idea this little musing was going to end up there.) |
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