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Post by lwoetin on Feb 15, 2018 15:03:01 GMT -5
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Post by WindSister on Feb 15, 2018 16:59:18 GMT -5
lwoetin -- I feel intrusive asking this -- has your "length and girth" been blamed? (I have a Dory mind, I can't remember all stories). I feel for people who experience pain during sex. I would think I would be one looking for a remedy, though, not avoidance.
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Post by baza on Feb 15, 2018 17:15:41 GMT -5
If your refuser spouse is running out of plausible excuses not to engage you, then the article could help said refuser come up with some new ones.
Here's some examples from the linked article.
Vaginismus
Pelvic Muscle Guarding and Stiffness
Lichens Sclerosis,
General Pain or Injury
Pudendal Neuralgia
Vulvodynia,
Common Infections and STIs
Yeast infections
Bacterial vaginosis
And on the blokes side, it could go - "Best I don't root you lest I give you - Vaginismus, Pelvic Muscle Guarding and Stiffness, Lichens Sclerosis, General Pain or Injury, Pudendal Neuralgia, Vulvodynia, Common Infections and STIs, Yeast infections, Bacterial vaginosis"
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 15, 2018 21:21:44 GMT -5
lwoetin -- I feel intrusive asking this -- has your "length and girth" been blamed? (I have a Dory mind, I can't remember all stories). I feel for people who experience pain during sex. I would think I would be one looking for a remedy, though, not avoidance. I probably exaggerated a little. But I appreciate your kindness in remembering that my wife does feel pain. It's likely from the stuff discussed in the article and the perimenopause stage she's at. If she was actively looking for remedy, that would be great, right? She's slowly healing. But I offered her a deal, involving no pain. Instead of intercourse, she receives oral. She declined. I don't get it. I told her I want her to be more game in bed. She told me she wants it game over instead. So we shared a good laugh in bed. Can't laugh forever though. |
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Post by saarinista on Feb 15, 2018 23:31:44 GMT -5
Get her to doctor, lwoetin ! It may well be vaginal atrophy. Just read up on it on Wikipedia. And it's treatable or at least manageable. If she doesn't have a lot of risk factors, they may be able to prescribe topical hormonal cream that could help a LOT. Even if she does have risk factors, at least knowing you're not a freak (which is what I felt like when it happened because I had no idea that it WOULD happen and I felt, oddly, ashamed) is comforting. There's always good old coconut oil, ky and foreplay. Our bodies change as we age, but that doesn't mean sex should go away. But she has to make an effort. Dang. It kills me to hear that people are forgoing sex when those of us who want it aren't getting it. Sigh. If your marriage matters to her, she will go to the doctor. And tell her how important sex with her is to you! How could she resist that? SMH. |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 16, 2018 8:07:37 GMT -5
Coworker, age 56 likes sex but recently pain stopped her from having piv with her husband, 65. She gave him his but both missed piv. She talked to me and other women who urged her to see her doc. With embarrassment she did. She has a skin disease called lichen somethingorother and now is having laser treatments on her vaginal wall. Not sure if she can do piv yet but she is looking forward to it.
This is what sex-loving women do if pain prevents intercourse.
Similarly, sex loving men with ed get medical help.
Embarrassment won’t stand in the way of their sex lives.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 16, 2018 9:49:16 GMT -5
lwoetin - The "wanting it game over" comment might have sounded funny in the moment, but you are correct, it's no laughing matter. It sounds like a deep truth for HER, though. She would rather "give up" than continue to care for her ever-changing body so that it remains healthy for a sexual relationship with her husband. Does she realize that is what she is saying when she is saying she wants it "game over?" She is checking out of life, in a sense and certainly checking out of your relationship. If that is truly her wish, she needs to be single/alone so that she doesn't drag her partner down with her unwillingness to explore options/treatments. Since she is also declining oral it also to points a low sexual desire. A sex-loving woman wants oral (at the very least).
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 16, 2018 10:27:23 GMT -5
“I told her I want her to be more game in bed. She told me she wants it game over instead. So we shared a good laugh in bed. Can't laugh forever though.“
Why did you laugh? Your wife was telling you loud and clear that she wants no more sex in your marriage and she is happy to have found an excuse. Your laughing was saying that’s fine for you. Saying, “That would mean marriage over” and not laughing would have told her that what she proposed isn’t acceptable to you.
This is an example of how potential refusers test the water and how future refused act like a sm would be ok.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 16, 2018 11:55:25 GMT -5
I understand that laugh very well. It's a way of saying, " that's so sad it's ALMOST comical" . It's like a pitty laugh, when you find a toddler sitting on the bathroom floor with the entire roll of T.P. spread out all over the floor. A child can be taught, forgiven, and given boundaries, but a spouse?
It's like being on a bicycle built for two and one partner decides in the middle of going up the hill, "I'm along for the ride but I'm not peddling".
Another "I'm in control, not my problem, not my concern".
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 16, 2018 14:31:38 GMT -5
“I understand that laugh very well. It's a way of saying, " that's so sad it's ALMOST comical" . It's like a pitty laugh, when you find a toddler sitting on the bathroom floor with the entire roll of T.P. spread out all over the floor. A child can be taught, forgiven, and given boundaries, but a spouse?”
Still, it hides your true feelings, and as a result, a chuckle over a dpouse’s statement that sex is over may lead the spouse to think you are happy about that prospect.
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 16, 2018 22:32:10 GMT -5
She is checking out of life, in a sense and certainly checking out of your relationship. If that is truly her wish, she needs to be single/alone so that she doesn't drag her partner down with her unwillingness to explore options/treatments. Since she is also declining oral it also to points a low sexual desire. A sex-loving woman wants oral (at the very least). She has low sexual desire. Also she doesn't think sex is a necessary part of marriage any more. So both are compatible. I'm somewhat surprised that a nonsex-loving woman would rather have intercourse than receive oral. |
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 16, 2018 22:46:39 GMT -5
I understand that laugh very well. It's a way of saying, " that's so sad it's ALMOST comical". She twisted my words to her favor so I laughed. But the honesty hurts. The funny part was my mind quickly drifted to a lesbian I met that afternoon. She said her partner's name is Maureen. So I didn't dwell too much into feeling sorry for myself. |
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 16, 2018 22:53:23 GMT -5
“I told her I want her to be more game in bed. She told me she wants it game over instead. So we shared a good laugh in bed. Can't laugh forever though.“ Why did you laugh? Your wife was telling you loud and clear that she wants no more sex in your marriage and she is happy to have found an excuse. Your laughing was saying that’s fine for you. Saying, “That would mean marriage over” and not laughing would have told her that what she proposed isn’t acceptable to you. This is an example of how potential refusers test the water and how future refused act like a sm would be ok. She knows it isn't ok. This is the disagreement in the marriage. And neither of us want the marriage to end. It might be solved by compromise. |
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