9 questions to ask on a first date.

"What you really want to know is ‘How did you pay for your last vacation?’ but that is a hard question to ask outright. But if your date went on an extravagant vacation, you could innocently probe further with a ‘Wow, how did you pay for that?’-type question."

I disagree with the above. I like asking about people's favorite travels and where they've been because it indicates whether a person likes to travel and explore new locations like I do or likes to just stay home or confine visits to family or friends. I do not ask about travels to find out how people spend their money.

When it comes to a first date, I would not want someone delving into where I got my money, how much money I have or how much I get paid. Even from a close friend, in general, I find "How did you pay for that?" to be a rude question. It's none of their business how I pay for things. I have some friends who do things like travel on the Queen Mary. They do that because -- they are wealthy. I never asked how they paid for their trips. I learned about their wealth through other things they said such as their happening to mention that their dad owned a bank.

When it comes to how people spend their money, those are important things to find out if one is considering marrying a person or otherwise being in a financial partnership. But one doesn't need to get that info on a first date unless one views dating as only an opportunity to find a spouse, means of support or parent for future children.

Observation can teach you a lot by how a person handles money and how they value money. For instance, unless a person comes from wealth, if they have a modestly paying job but own an expensive car and have a designer wardrobe, they probably have high credit card bills. If they refer to certain things as being over their budget, then they probably are financially responsible.

Had an interesting conversation on about my third date with my post SM lover. I asked him where he'd go on a dream vacation, and I was surprised to learn that even though he was 60, he had never achieved his dream of going to Paris or for that matter to any place outside of the U.S. except for one work-paid weekend in Mexico. He hadn't done those things because he thought, "a poor boy like me" couldn't afford to.

It was enlightening to see that even though he was making in the low 6 figures (He'd volunteered that info, I hadn't asked and hadn't been fishing or interestein his income) he still viewed himself as having the same travel opportunities he'd had when he was so poor as a college student that he had had to simultaneously work a couple of jobs, live in dumps with multiple roommates and survive on ramen noodles.

It was a joy for me to show him how he could afford to go to Paris . And a year later, we did without breaking either of our budgets.

If one wants to find out how a person manages their money and thinks about money, if they are a homeowner, asking how they selected their home can tell you a lot about their values and how they treat money. I

I’m not in management, but I’ve interviewed job candidates. More than any job skill, the trait I look for is competency and trustworthiness.

My wife was honest, but she could not hold down a job. Eventually, she had to go on disability. She was not competent to do much more than basic household work. When it came time to make serious medical decisions about me, she didn’t know what to do.

Towards the end, my wife was less of a wife and more of a daughter that would never grow up. If and when I get married again, I am going to make sure that I am not the only adult in the relationship

With my partner, I didn't ask the questions as they were asked in that article, but I knew most of those things by the end of our first date, either from the date or from our text chat beforehand. Go me! (I guess.) Hell yeah, I googled him before we went out. He didn't have much social media, but there was plenty of professional digital footprint. He googled me, too. He actually found video of me making speeches that I didn't know existed!

During the pre-date chat (which was a bit extended because of difficult schedules) I remember thinking "I really want to be this guy's friend. I hope there's a spark, but if there's no spark, then I want to cultivate a friendship." There was a spark. ;-)

Because of our sexual histories and our determination not to end up in another sexless relationship, that was discussed, too.

I got as far as Johnny Carson, and lost patience to read the rest. Apart from “are you married?” which I hope I’d know before the first date, these questions are not what I would regard as important. If someone asked me these questions, I’d fail.

I want to know about character and values, and interests we may have in common. No sex talk at all. Anyone who starts talking sex on the first date is the last date.

"I want to know about character and values, and interests we may have in common. No sex talk at all. Anyone who starts talking sex on the first date is the last date."

I agree with you, Caris including not wanting to be with someone who's talking about sex on the first date. From my posts here, it should be obvious I'm no prude. But talking about sex on a first date sounds like the guy is either a lecher or desperate, neither of which are admirable traits.

While I like sex, I want to really know a man and like and trust him before going to bed with him. First date sex talk is too soon. It would seem to me like he'd bed any woman who'd cross his path. Not interested in that kind of man.

I don't think there was anything approaching sex talk until my second ate with my post SM guy. I'd worn a top with a deep v neck and he told me he admired my cleavage. We had our first real kiss afterward. Best kiss I'd had in more than 30 years. Made me want more, but I restrained myself because I'd like to really know and trust a guy before having sex with him.

"  I just need to know if she has a positive attitude towards sex and if she would consider it before marriage."

When it comes to people who are over 30, virtually everyone I know believes in sex before marriage. If a guy asked me if I believed in sex before marriage, I'd wonder what kind of straight laced people he was used to hanging out with. 

Still, if you want to know the answers to questions like that, OK Cupid may be the on-line site for you because it has a couple of thousand questions including many about sex. As long as you've answered a question, you can see potential partners' answers to the same questions. 

Yup, first date fourth date, it's all things I would like to know about someone, eventually. Some personalities will lay it all out for you, others take more time. It's all good. My fear is to be too co-dependent, too passive and think, "well I can help this person, I don't NEED to know these things" Mmm wrong, I deserve to receive back from giving.