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Post by ggold on May 15, 2016 9:21:55 GMT -5
My husband and I do not really go out together alone much. If we do, we usually go to dinner. I enjoyed myself so much at the concert on Thurs. that I wanted to go and see the show again. I asked him if he wanted to go with me and he agreed. It was a last minute, spontaneous thing...something we never do! Well, we went last night. The show was amazing! My company...not so much.  It was about 1 1/2 hr drive. We had minimal conversation. It all seemed strained. Just small talk. I debated about bringing up our situation since no kids were around. Decided against it as it would have ruined my evening. He cannot have fun, barely smiles. I wish I knew what was going on in his head!! I had more fun with the drunk girl sitting next to me! She said she loved me. ha! I make friends wherever I go! lol On the way home, to drown out the silence I decided channel my country and sang a variety of Carrie Underwood songs! (Cause you know I sound just like her, right?  ) So frustrating that I can have great conversations with complete strangers and can't with a man I've been with for 22+ years!! So sad. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 15, 2016 9:51:16 GMT -5
I could remember the last few years of my marriage when his parents came down there was an obligatory date night.
The last year or two we both stopped going because it was not enjoyable. I'm just like you can talk to strangers and enjoy anyone's company. I would try for many years to be playful with my ex, "hey you want to hear a joke?" He would say NO. Eventually I stopped asking, detached and avoided him which was all part of the grieving process for me so when it came time for me to announce that I was divorcing him it was a relief and a step towards happiness for myself.
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Post by wewbwb on May 15, 2016 9:53:58 GMT -5
My husband and I do not really go out together alone much. If we do, we usually go to dinner. I enjoyed myself so much at the concert on Thurs. that I wanted to go and see the show again. I asked him if he wanted to go with me and he agreed. It was a last minute, spontaneous thing...something we never do! Well, we went last night. The show was amazing! My company...not so much. It was about 1 1/2 hr drive. We had minimal conversation. It all seemed strained. Just small talk. I debated about bringing up our situation since no kids were around. Decided against it as it would have ruined my evening. He cannot have fun, barely smiles. I wish I knew what was going on in his head!! I had more fun with the drunk girl sitting next to me! She said she loved me. ha! I make friends wherever I go! lol On the way home, to drown out the silence I decided channel my country and sang a variety of Carrie Underwood songs! (Cause you know I sound just like her, right? ) So frustrating that I can have great conversations with complete strangers and can't with a man I've been with for 22+ years!! So sad. Back when I was single I used to turn off the radio as a test to see if we could talk. Now I upgraded my stereo system. |
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Post by wewbwb on May 15, 2016 9:54:53 GMT -5
I could remember the last few years of my marriage when his parents came down there was an obligatory date night. The last year or two we both stopped going because it was not enjoyable. I'm just like you can talk to strangers and enjoy anyone's company. I would try for many years to be playful with my ex, "hey you want to hear a joke?" He would say NO. Eventually I stopped asking, detached and avoided him which was all part of the grieving process for me so when it came time for me to announce that I was divorcing him it was a relief and a step towards happiness for myself. No? No I don't want to laugh or smile. Wtf? |
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 9:59:47 GMT -5
I could remember the last few years of my marriage when his parents came down there was an obligatory date night. The last year or two we both stopped going because it was not enjoyable. I'm just like you can talk to strangers and enjoy anyone's company. I would try for many years to be playful with my ex, "hey you want to hear a joke?" He would say NO. Eventually I stopped asking, detached and avoided him which was all part of the grieving process for me so when it came time for me to announce that I was divorcing him it was a relief and a step towards happiness for myself. I think a lot of this is just laziness. Both your spouses are probably depressed, so they have a good excuse not to engage in interaction, right? Wrong. It means they have to make more of an effort, which they are unwilling to do. |
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Post by ggold on May 15, 2016 10:02:38 GMT -5
I could remember the last few years of my marriage when his parents came down there was an obligatory date night. The last year or two we both stopped going because it was not enjoyable. I'm just like you can talk to strangers and enjoy anyone's company. I would try for many years to be playful with my ex, "hey you want to hear a joke?" He would say NO. Eventually I stopped asking, detached and avoided him which was all part of the grieving process for me so when it came time for me to announce that I was divorcing him it was a relief and a step towards happiness for myself. I think a lot of this is just laziness. Both your spouses are probably depressed, so they have a good excuse not to engage in interaction, right? Wrong. It means they have to make more of an effort, which they are unwilling to do. I agree. He makes zero effort. |
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Post by dancingbear70 on May 15, 2016 10:30:30 GMT -5
The quiet drive home is the worst! My wife and I go to a good amount of things together. Concerts. Sporting events. Etc. Not that we interact a lot there, but we are next to each other in an energetic environment. But once we sit in the car and turn for home...dead air.
What are the chances of getting home and jumping each other's bones of you can't even relate on a short drive? Ugh.
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Post by samedeepwater on May 15, 2016 10:45:46 GMT -5
I debated whether to "Like" this. I suppose you would take my like as showing empathy, and that would have been the way it was intended. There is, of course, nothing to like in this situation. As a refugee from a sexless marriage, I have been there and done that. That's where the empathy comes from. I don't want anyone to have to go through the hell I did. I know what it's like to drive an hour with your spouse and not utter a single word. It was also one of the many markers that informed my decision to leave my marriage. And oh yes, I know all about the obligatory date night. We went one better. We kept up the obligatory marriage for far too long because we knew both families would damn us to hell for getting a divorce. We did divorce (pending, but should be official in a few months). They did damn us to hell, and life actually goes on.
I'm always careful not to give advice. I have enough trouble sorting out my own life. The trick is to try to get to a place you can look objectively at the life you're living day to day and decide if and when the unknown (freedom to be what you need to be) outweighs the known (as you stated above) We all have our own tipping point.
English majors love irony, and that is what my life has become. I didn't so much lose a wife as I gained a friend. We will always be parents together, and frankly we are both so relieved we finally got honest with ourselves and realized we were both better friends all along than anything else. We have never been happier since we decided to split. But we lost our families in the process. That was my tipping point. When I jumped out of the plane I was totally alone because I knew my family would never forgive me. But that's all tied up in the other baggage I've carried around all my life.
And the other bad thing about English majors is that they never want to end the essay. But I reluctantly go. Were I one to give advice, I'd say you already know what to do. But doing it is a bitch.
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Post by bballgirl on May 15, 2016 10:46:17 GMT -5
I could remember the last few years of my marriage when his parents came down there was an obligatory date night. The last year or two we both stopped going because it was not enjoyable. I'm just like you can talk to strangers and enjoy anyone's company. I would try for many years to be playful with my ex, "hey you want to hear a joke?" He would say NO. Eventually I stopped asking, detached and avoided him which was all part of the grieving process for me so when it came time for me to announce that I was divorcing him it was a relief and a step towards happiness for myself. I think a lot of this is just laziness. Both your spouses are probably depressed, so they have a good excuse not to engage in interaction, right? Wrong. It means they have to make more of an effort, which they are unwilling to do. Yes my spouse was depressed and like most things in his life he neglected them including himself. His job, scratch off tickets and baseball were all he focused on. There was a time I was depressed too and the people of EP helped me understand the situation. |
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Post by skguy on May 15, 2016 10:47:55 GMT -5
So good of you to offer to share something you had enjoyed previously. Great effort on your part. So sad you got nothing back
I'm sure you do make friend everywhere. You sound like you're a really fun person
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Post by ggold on May 15, 2016 12:01:20 GMT -5
I debated whether to "Like" this. I suppose you would take my like as showing empathy, and that would have been the way it was intended. There is, of course, nothing to like in this situation. As a refugee from a sexless marriage, I have been there and done that. That's where the empathy comes from. I don't want anyone to have to go through the hell I did. I know what it's like to drive an hour with your spouse and not utter a single word. It was also one of the many markers that informed my decision to leave my marriage. And oh yes, I know all about the obligatory date night. We went one better. We kept up the obligatory marriage for far too long because we knew both families would damn us to hell for getting a divorce. We did divorce (pending, but should be official in a few months). They did damn us to hell, and life actually goes on. I'm always careful not to give advice. I have enough trouble sorting out my own life. The trick is to try to get to a place you can look objectively at the life you're living day to day and decide if and when the unknown (freedom to be what you need to be) outweighs the known (as you stated above) We all have our own tipping point. English majors love irony, and that is what my life has become. I didn't so much lose a wife as I gained a friend. We will always be parents together, and frankly we are both so relieved we finally got honest with ourselves and realized we were both better friends all along than anything else. We have never been happier since we decided to split. But we lost our families in the process. That was my tipping point. When I jumped out of the plane I was totally alone because I knew my family would never forgive me. But that's all tied up in the other baggage I've carried around all my life. And the other bad thing about English majors is that they never want to end the essay. But I reluctantly go. Were I one to give advice, I'd say you already know what to do. But doing it is a bitch. Your reply spoke to me. I wish to be where you are one day soon. The unknown is frightening but I yearn for the freedom from this SM. He is a good man and father. I am hoping that through therapy he can come to the realization that we will be better off as friends. Right now, he is not at this place. I know the ending that must be written, however, it will be a bitch to arrive at the conclusion. :-( |
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Post by ggold on May 15, 2016 12:16:59 GMT -5
I think a lot of this is just laziness. Both your spouses are probably depressed, so they have a good excuse not to engage in interaction, right? Wrong. It means they have to make more of an effort, which they are unwilling to do. Yes my spouse was depressed and like most things in his life he neglected them including himself. His job, scratch off tickets and baseball were all he focused on. There was a time I was depressed too and the people of EP helped me understand the situation. I also think my husband is depressed. He will not reach out for help and continues to avoid what he is going through emotionally. Therapy has saved me from going into a depression. I am also so very thankful for this community. I cannot tell you how you all have been so supportive. My spirits have been uplifted since being here. :-) |
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Post by wewbwb on May 15, 2016 20:56:56 GMT -5
Yes my spouse was depressed and like most things in his life he neglected them including himself. His job, scratch off tickets and baseball were all he focused on. There was a time I was depressed too and the people of EP helped me understand the situation. I also think my husband is depressed. He will not reach out for help and continues to avoid what he is going through emotionally. Therapy has saved me from going into a depression. I am also so very thankful for this community. I cannot tell you how you all have been so supportive. My spirits have been uplifted since being here. :-) Thank you. The only price is to pay it forward |
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 21:56:11 GMT -5
ggold, could your husband be depressed? Not to say that's a reason to stay, just a reason for his behavior. I often think that about mine, but the one time I brought it up a few years back, he flew into a rage and then he didn't speak to me for a few days, so I'm afraid to mention it again. I admire you for throwing your husband a bone and asking him out. I do that on occasion, but I am always met with a hollow feeling during the time we spend together. There is nothing so lonely as being with my refuser. It's awful. Know the Christina Perri song Jar of Hearts? "You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul." Pretty sure that was written about my husband. When you say you can have great conversations with strangers, I am reminded of how I feel when I am with strangers too and the one thing that always strikes me is that people are so nice to me! My husband treats me like dirt, but strangers, they're kind and good and they treat me with human decency. They have entire conversations with me, they smile and laugh with me. Not so with my refuser husband. I need to get out more, I guess.
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Post by samedeepwater on May 18, 2016 6:57:13 GMT -5
ggold. I am very fortunate that my sexless marriage did not contain the acrimony that some have expressed here. But yet a marriage devoid of emotion is not a marriage either. Do you remember the movie The Breakfast Club? At one point in the movie all the kids were sitting around talking about their home lives and Allison (Ally Sheedy) ( I was the male version in high school, but I digress) described what her parents do to her with the phrase that's stuck in my head all these years: "they ignore me." That was my married life the last few years. We elevated to an art form staying out of each other's space. Sometimes I would actually wish my ex and I hated each other. That would have made it so much easier to leave. But, in the end, the emotional connection was not there, which meant the sex was not there, and even though we were both ideal roommates, it was friendship and not a marriage. But I also understand about the tipping point. I needed to get to the point where the uncertainty of the unknown was less of a risk than the emotional void of the known. You will likely be there one day, but only you will know. And it is a bitch to arrive at that conclusion, and another form of hell altogether when you first leave the marriage. But, as I'm coming up soon on a year out, there is also life after sexless marriage as well.
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