step parenting drama

Bio Mom might be "flexing her Mom muscles" a bit with you and her ex. The whole "united front" thing would annoy the hell out of me. Just keep being you, as you have a level head and nothing to worry about. The weirdness comes and goes depending what is going on, but as long as you keep level, you get through it unscathed.

Blended families are a tricky business.

Step-parents have zero room for error because they don't receive the forgiveness/patience bio parents get. Steps are scrutinized, criticized, and "put up with" even when things are REALLY REALLY good. I am "Jama" to the grand kids and things are GOOD but there is always... something there.... I am dad's wife.... a little wall is always up. A little edge. SOOO.. on that point, I would not let your "almost bonus son" complain about his mom to you or let that ever go in that direction as eventually that would come back to haunt you. In the end, having her back in front of the kids will always be the best idea, so, yes helping them shop for her - good idea! You can complain here how sucky it feels.. (if we are being real, it does rather suck). Kids will most always choose their BIO parent and throw others under the bus if given reason or a choice.

Look for more flexing from that mom - she now sees this is serious, you aren't going away, and she is threatened. It's not your fault and you can be sweet as pie to her, but it's not about you, it's what you represent. The fact she turned to her ex for condolence over her "hurt feelings" is quite irritating. I question her emotional maturity.  She does seem a bit one-sided.  Have you met her?

I actually really, really don't mind the shopping. I have met her and been to her house (briefly). She was ok. In other circumstances I might have liked her, as my partner has a sort of type (it's not looks, it's clever, sciencey, not very girly women). Obviously a bit nervous. I was, too. I think my partner doesn't want me to have to do it and so he will probably take them out to do it, but I don't care either way.

WindSister I have always stood up for her when he complains about her the way that all kids complain about parents - so yes, he has complained but just normal kid resentments of being made to do what they ought to do! And yes, emotionally immature - yes. She is apparently very quick to anger, very happy to manipulate the kids, and very, very one-sided in things (including with her kids), but I'm not sure that she's actually aware of that, and of course I hear this from a very biased source. But yes... for example, my partner has to have to separate shoes for the kids because she won't let them wear their casual shoes she buys when they are with him. But he also has to take HER shoes, so they can change into them in the car before he brings them back. Same with overcoats. It's weird.

@worksforme - I have no intention of making their time here boring, but we don't go out of the way to make it exciting either (I mean, yes sometimes...) however, we're all still in the honeymoon phase, so I expect that it is more fun and exciting now - esp as they get on so well with my son and have a blast. But I'm trying to make everything more normal gradually, for example, we only just introduced the first daily chore to my 'almost bonus kids', it's just clearing the table- but it's a job for all children, whether at my house or his and no matter what combination of children are at the table. And no kick back from either set! Well, a little bit of 'awww...' but we explained that I cook, my partner cleans up after and children clear table so everyone contributes.

northstarmom we talked it over. Whatever the rights and wrongs of it, it's his job to help his son navigate relationships and it's my job to support my partner in parenting his kids (and vice versa). It is not clear if he was just talking about fun times or if he was throwing stuff in her face - he is a bit of a smart arse (her words). Personally, I like a smart arse, but all smart arses need to learn when to zip it. Either way, dad is going to gently suggest that he tones it down. He has to get 11yo on his own to have this chat and I will facilitate that by taking the other two to do something.

Ughhh - bio mom is defo flexing her muscles and chipping away at their time here in London. I'm actually at the pissed off level now as she clearly sees me as more of a threat now that I've been with my partner for a year. He started a relationship with me soon after his previous one finished and she HATED his ex. (I'm not so crazy about her either.) I'm also seeing signs that she's trying to play the loyalty game with the 9yr old. Grrrr.

Seems to me that you are doing a real good job with this problem Sister elkclan2 - and it sure is a "better" problem to have than the intractable problem of being in an ILIASM shithole !

In reality, you have a limited relationship with the kids mother (and probably this is a real good thing) and parental *united fronts* in regard to the kids are really something your bloke and her have to sort out between themselves. I don't think you can be a major player in that particular relationship between those two.

OTOH, you have quite a close relationship with his kids (and this is a real good thing) and the *united front* you and your bloke present in your house is something you have already sorted out.

I think you are managing the assorted relationships and inter-relationships and inter/inter relationships in play in this dynamic really well.
It looks like you are taking responsibility for your assorted relationships with your bloke, your kid, his kids, his ex at appropriate levels.

How everyone else in the dynamic chooses to handle their various relationships with the other persons and personalities is a matter you don't have a real lot of control over.