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Post by surfergirl on Jan 31, 2018 12:26:26 GMT -5
DanAlso, most women sleep with these dirtbags and then get ghosted. So it doubles the pain, doubles the frustration. They feel a real strong connection, and it is REAL. The vibes start flowing. They have sex. And then WHAM. He's gone.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 31, 2018 14:35:34 GMT -5
Dan The thing you don't understand is that ghosting people is THE thing to do nowadays. You are too mature for that, and so you don't "get" what the author and the women are saying. Men come on strong and then they ghost. Like 99% of them, from my extensive experience (okay, mostly just data gathering). You would never do that, but that is THE culture now. Do you find that this "culture" is prevalent in men that are me and @dan age "50-55?" I feel like I would rank with dan "too mature, wouldn't get it, and would never do that." |
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 31, 2018 16:05:07 GMT -5
I expected men to be like you, greatcoastal and Dan. Yes, that is what I expected at this age. Neither you nor Dan would hook up and then disappear (or at least, not without an explanation). Nowadays? It's just awful out there, and I've been told through multiple sources (and learned personally) that, "Unless a man SAYS explicitly that you are exclusive, don't assume you are." Silly me thought that if you are sleeping with someone regularly that that conversation didn't need to happen, but it does. Men have the upper hand in this sense, because women want that exclusivity when they are sexual. And that's not to say that Dan and GreatCoastal won't change their minds once they realize that women put out for free these days. |
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 31, 2018 16:08:32 GMT -5
I would also add that it is rare at any age for a guy to say, "I'm just not that into you."
They do games instead. Do you know how much RESPECT men would earn if they were upfront? Women would like you MORE.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 31, 2018 18:00:19 GMT -5
“Unless a man SAYS explicitly that you are exclusive, don't assume you are." Silly me thought that if you are sleeping with someone regularly that that conversation didn't need to happen, but it does. Men have the upper hand in this sense, because women want that exclusivity when they are sexual. “
Not all women want exclusivity. There are even women of mature age who don’t.
I wanted exclusivity so I stared it up front and insisted on agreement And insisted on his getting std testing before I had sex with him. Even then, we used condoms for the first 3 months. I also took time to get to know him better. I’d known him as an acquaintance for 4 years but neede more info about him before trusting him literally with my life.
I like sex and hadn’t had it for 8 years. But given that there are fatal stds like hiv, I believe in being very careful and not assuming a prospective sex partner believes in monogamy or can be trusted.
I don’t see any reason to blame men for your ending up unknowingly in a nonmonagamous relationship. You made a lot of assumptions including thinking you’d found your next husband. That wasn’t what the man was interested in and from what you’ve posted thus far it doesn’t seem he tried to mislead you.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jan 31, 2018 21:42:33 GMT -5
I initially read that article with a big "you go girl" but by the time I got the the end I wanted to run away.
I agree and disagree with a lot of the previous comments. The fact of the matter is I want to be treated like I treat people, so if I step back and ask what I would do, what I DO do...
I do take my time getting to know someone, which includes going quiet on occasion to see if they even think about me enough to make first contact. This is exactly how I have determined who to cut from my life as I go, if I am always the one to message first, when a conversation stops I don't message them again, so far my mother has gone about five months. Do I do this often, no... Do I do it with malice, no. Would I do it to a possible new relationship, I'm sure either would happen because guess what?! I have a life, I get busy, I read a message and don't reply, I'm in a bad mood and don't feel like putting my happy face on. I am a human with needs just as they are, I cannot expect more from them than I can provide.
And to add to what Dan said, there is a period of time in every relationship when you go from acquaintances to friendly, maybe even a date or two, then progress to talking more and possibly looking at how serious the situation could get. If I am at the friendly and dating stage while that person is all in: giving me every bit of their emotional affection, physical affection, and time. If I am being treated as if I am their future spouse, I am going to run. Seriously, run the fuck away!!!
I could not handle an overly clingy man, if he can't respect that I need time to decide how I feel, than I do not want him in my life at all. Nor do I want to give myself so openly and heavily to a relationship that I am not even sure of. We know better than most people that you need to take your time and understand the person you'd like to consider commiting your life to, to starting a family with, to building yourself and them up.
If I were to expose myself that hard so early in a relationship I would feel weak, vunerable, and stupid. I don't need that, not do I want a partner whom is so happy to throw himself at me and expect me to catch him right away.
Oh, and I like the love messages, I think it is heartwarming to know you are thought of.
So more power to her, but I think she is going to scare away a lot of good men.
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Post by Dan on Jan 31, 2018 22:21:59 GMT -5
When it clicks, it clicks. I mean, that's really all I can say. I met someone with whom it all just "clicks." He isn't settling. I am not settling. We are actively CHOOSING each other every day, yes, even after getting married (even more so). When I met my husband, it just all CLICKED: we talked freely, we excited each other physically and emotionally and mentally, we dropped all walls (like instantly), we didn't want anyone else. I have what she's having... ^^^  |
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Post by obobfla on Jan 31, 2018 22:44:06 GMT -5
Yes, when it clicks. The problem is that it has to keep on clicking.
Dating is hard because so many things have to fall into place to make it right. The sexual chemistry. The shared goals. Finances. I remember being in love with a woman who I got on with for a few hours. But sooner or later, we would get on each other’s nerves. Others have become friends. I have quite a few women friends who I know already - I’m not her type, she’s not mine, and we’re both ok with that. Trying to make it more than friendship would screw up the friendship.
Reading that article made me think of David Bowie.
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Post by elkclan2 on Feb 1, 2018 3:39:01 GMT -5
I think it was ever thus. However, what was different is that you couldn't swoosh through people quite so quickly. Technology really does allow you to fail faster. Don't fuck anyone unless you want to. Don't expect anything that hasn't been stated and agreed and even then expect disappointment - surely our marriages have taught us that already. DO expect dating to be a bit of a numbers game - see and meet people and then either continue or don't. Sometimes you'll like them more than they like you. Sometimes it will be the other way around. Sometimes you'll both know straight away that it's a no. I agree with awakeforthedance - when it clicks, it clicks. There are many, many people in the world and the chances of meeting the right person are low, but if you don't try to find that person (or even one of a number of potentially suitable people) and make yourself available the chances are even lower. Some people find that person quicker than others do. It took me around two years of dating to find my partner. It clicked. We are happy. I feel I'm in the relationship I should have always been in. Even the blended families thing is going really well (though not taking that for granted and continuing to work and communicate to make sure both sets of kids are happy and both parents are happy, too). Obviously with kids involved, I had to be pretty darn sure that it was a goer before we did kidtroductions - but even then I knew that we'd have to finish if the kid interactions weren't right. I wanted someone who would treat my son well and also support me in the step-parenting role, too. He does.
Some people are users and on the lookout for the next, the better, the "more suitable". OK, it was ever thus.
I was lucky that I had my SM affair partner still with me so I never let hormones and my desire to have sex cloud my judgment, but I recognise that most people won't have that experience. When I was LOOKING for my AP, I did have sex with a few men that then led to nothing - even ghosting, so I have had that experience. It sucks, but you simply have to remind yourself that an unsuitable person has just self-selected themselves out of your dating pool.
Yes, it's all a bit exhausting if you don't find the click early. But when you feel that way, take a break.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 1, 2018 23:49:00 GMT -5
I expected men to be like you, greatcoastal and Dan . Yes, that is what I expected at this age. Neither you nor Dan would hook up and then disappear (or at least, not without an explanation). Nowadays? It's just awful out there, and I've been told through multiple sources (and learned personally) that, "Unless a man SAYS explicitly that you are exclusive, don't assume you are." Silly me thought that if you are sleeping with someone regularly that that conversation didn't need to happen, but it does. Men have the upper hand in this sense, because women want that exclusivity when they are sexual. And that's not to say that Dan and GreatCoastal won't change their minds once they realize that women put out for free these days. I agree with what you said. Actually the part about giving someone that exclusive intimacy and compassion, at this age, that they want. Being a friend a giver, and realize that some woman don't "put out" for free. There is a cost It cost big time if you let it. if you give to much of your heart and are not prepared to guard the rest it costs. In fact you end up hearing "I'm just not ready," but they sure where ready to soak up someone who was there for them. Like a SM. (then there are woman who want to use men only for sex and you are just a number) So the conversation needs to happen by the second or third date, especially at this age and background circumstances. A painful lesson learned after decades of SM, and just a few casual surface relationships. I am always learning . This is where you learn to "pick yourself up" and say, "their loss, my gain. i am going to learn from it and move forward". |
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Post by baza on Feb 2, 2018 0:04:01 GMT -5
Well, you learn something new every day.
Today, I learned what ghosting is (I'd never heard of it until this post above)
Net says - "the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication"
Back in Ye Olden Days when I was single it was just called "dumping".
At that time, I was more often the "dumpee" rather than the "dumper".
I never felt real good about being the dumper, and even worse when I was the dumpee / dumpted.
FWIW, this ghosting does not look like a recent discovery.
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Post by surfergirl on Feb 2, 2018 12:26:33 GMT -5
bazaJust for your enlightenment. There are three on-trend behaviors now: 1. Breadcrumbing -- they drop little tidbits, enough to keep you hooked, but never a meal. And they keep doing this--not as normal behavior when you're getting to know someone. At the intro, we're all just chill, not trying to over invest. But that's that these people. They NEVER go all in, but they NEVER go out. They do something big and then pull back. 2. Ghosting -- you have sex and then text him in the next day or two, "Having a good day?" And DEAD SILENCE. You call once a few days later, maybe, thinking that he's sick. Never hear from him again. You've been ghosted, officially. 3. Zombied -- This is when the above mentioned guy pops into your life three months later without explanation. They also don't answer, "Wait. WTF?" or have any clue that that's not okay.
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