Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 0:28:30 GMT -5
I may or may not have been googling “should I have an affair?” when this article popped up. Ahem. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 0:31:03 GMT -5
Not to further try to justify, but FWIW, and if anyone cares, my marriage qualifies for the first two conditions, dead-zone and emotional/psychological abuse.
|
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Jan 24, 2018 3:57:00 GMT -5
Not that I read the article carefully, however....
The man married 25yrs who was told that he "was expecting too much from marriage." It's not like my wife told me that right before she went to bed tonight. and I started watching Shania Twain videos about loss. Who would dump Shania Twain anyway just because she was chasing rainbows and blinded by the sun. Rhymes with butt.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jan 24, 2018 9:32:51 GMT -5
In those cases they definitely wake you up and you go running for the door. Yes.
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jan 24, 2018 10:47:58 GMT -5
@elle, I used to have a harsh opinion of affairs; that people in them were morally weak and hedonistic. I have no doubt there is a lot of that going on, but as with so many things in life I've been humbled by the realities that drive a lot of people to very conscious actions.
The article touches on how affairs have helped to enlighten, cope, or even repair marriages. I don't disagree. However, while a single article can't be expected to be comprehensive, the more serious aspects don't even get mention; I think that does a disservice to the reader by presenting a rose-colored picture.
All those other elements have been discussed here before, but... the obvious possibility of being discovered, and the lifetime damage it can inflict on relationships - well beyond the spouse, to people who will never know the full story. And even if that never happens, there are cover stories to be spun and maintained. Most trivial of all, the time and expense involved, which necessarily gets subtracted from some other part of life.
Never mind that most affairs also serve up an unrealistic slice of life - the cream skimmed off the top. Two people, at their best, for periods of intense focus on each other, with none of life's daily tedium to dull the experience. One could argue that a lot of our dysfunctional spouses could appear pretty damn appealing under those conditions, so caution is due when even remotely using it as the gauge of a marriage.
An affair may indeed be a "healthy thing" for all the reasons the article cites. But to be fair, that's only if things go well. Is it still such the healthy thing if the facts came to light? For some, perhaps, but probably not for most.
And lest someone think I'm speaking from a lofty tower here, most of my thinking is the result of having agonized over this same decision point in my own life. It's neither simple, nor black and white.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 24, 2018 10:53:32 GMT -5
Reason 1 and 2 resonated with me a lot too and I left.
I also changed and so did the ex during the 2 years we lived separately.
We had a lot of problems beyond the sex issue.
I'm back with him now, the medical issue applies now. He has diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and he takes a lot of meds that prevent sex.
However we are affectionate, cuddle in bed on a Sunday morning, a little kiss, date night, and it is all I want from him in that Dept.
A lot of the other issues especially financial are worked out because we are divorced and have separate bank accounts.
I'm really happy now and having an AP helped me to leave my marriage so I could heal and figure out what I wanted for myself.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jan 24, 2018 14:57:05 GMT -5
Never mind that most affairs also serve up an unrealistic slice of life - the cream skimmed off the top. Two people, at their best, for periods of intense focus on each other, with none of life's daily tedium to dull the experience. One could argue that a lot of our dysfunctional spouses could seem pretty damned appealing under those conditions, so caution is due when even remotely using it as the gauge of a marriage. ^^^^ Very good point!! ^^^^ |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 19:41:47 GMT -5
@elle , I used to have a harsh opinion of affairs; that people in them were morally weak and hedonistic. I have no doubt there is a lot of that going on, but as with so many things in life I've been humbled by the realities that drive a lot of people to very conscious actions. The article touches on how affairs have helped to enlighten, cope, or even repair marriages. I don't disagree. However, while a single article can't be expected to be comprehensive, the more serious aspects don't even get mention; I think that does a disservice to the reader by presenting a rose-colored picture. All those other elements have been discussed here before, but... the obvious possibility of being discovered, and the lifetime damage it can inflict on relationships - well beyond the spouse, to people who will never know the full story. And even if that never happens, there are cover stories to be spun and maintained. Most trivial of all, the time and expense involved, which necessarily gets subtracted from some other part of life. Never mind that most affairs also serve up an unrealistic slice of life - the cream skimmed off the top. Two people, at their best, for periods of intense focus on each other, with none of life's daily tedium to dull the experience. One could argue that a lot of our dysfunctional spouses could seem pretty damned appealing under those conditions, so caution is due when even remotely using it as the gauge of a marriage. An affair may indeed be a "healthy thing" for all the reasons the article cites. But to be fair, that's only if things go well. Is it still such the healthy thing if the facts came to light? For some, perhaps, but probably not for most. And lest someone think I'm speaking from a lofty tower here, most of my thinking is the result of having agonized over this same decision point in my own life. It's neither simple, nor black and white. Always the voice of reason, DryCreek. Thank you. Agreed that affairs do serve up an unrealistic slice of life. Add in who should be replenishing the toilet paper, changing the sheets, making dinner, and running the kids' taxi service and the excitement is quickly dulled. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jan 24, 2018 22:43:03 GMT -5
Always the voice of reason, DryCreek. Thank you. Agreed that affairs do serve up an unrealistic slice of life. Add in who should be replenishing the toilet paper, changing the sheets, making dinner, and running the kids' taxi service and the excitement is quickly dulled. Mind you, I'm not all about raining on the parade. Realistic or not, that fantastic escape may still be a life-saver. I'm just being Master of the Obvious: It's not a fair yardstick to compare a marriage, and of course it'll lose some luster in the real world (though it might still be a far cry better). |
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Jan 25, 2018 11:14:50 GMT -5
From talking with friends that have what they both describe as a good sex life, they both take time and energy to focus on each other. They both agree that focusing on each other is more important then most of the house hold chores.
So what if there is a load of laundry to do or there is a few dishes in the sink.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Jan 25, 2018 22:20:26 GMT -5
I may or may not have been googling “should I have an affair?” when this article popped up. Ahem. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. So I first want to express qualms with with item number 4: "When an Affair Rekindles Your Marriage". The title of the article is "reasons people have affairs", but item 4 starts out with "An unanticipated consequence to some affairs...". OK, look, call me an attentive reader, but if something was an unintended consequence, it can't be a reason you did something. That said, I agree with the sentiment that it is POSSIBLE to experience enough self-affirmation and fulfillment in an affair that -- once it is over -- you MIGHT be able to speak with more clarity to build a better marital relationship. Now, in my case, I didn't end up with that in my marriage, but I did end up with that confidence in ME, and I think it is serving me well as I navigate the ongoing SM. |
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Jan 25, 2018 22:21:48 GMT -5
From talking with friends that have what they both describe as a good sex life, they both take time and energy to focus on each other. They both agree that focusing on each other is more important then most of the house hold chores. So what if there is a load of laundry to do or there is a few dishes in the sink. Can I have you talk to my wife 20 years ago? Thanks. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 25, 2018 23:50:14 GMT -5
There is one thing you can say about cheating for certain.
And that is that the outcomes of it are completely UNcertain.
Introducing a 3rd party into an already dysfunctional situation can and often does spin things off at some crazy tangents that you cannot manage, some predictable, some not.
For that reason, you may as well treat it like a divorce as far as your preparation goes, so you can mitigate the damage as much as you can from the fallout, and at the very least, establish exactly what the stakes are in this highly adventurous choice.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 23:45:52 GMT -5
I wish I could give you something real to worry about folks. I’m not actually that adventurous. This will go down as just another one of the dumb things I’ve googled. As if google could solve my problems. If only...
|
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Feb 3, 2018 18:01:39 GMT -5
1, the dead marriage, and 2, abusive relationships, are pretty much where we are.
4, revitalizing the marriage, is not a likely result for us. Assuming our partner was any good, that would be like wanting to go back to a sporadic serving of saltine crackers after having a meal of fine French cuisine.
|
|
