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Post by obobfla on Jan 23, 2018 19:40:58 GMT -5
Since I posted about my misadventures with a grief support group, I thought I would follow up with some success. Today I had my first individual session with a competent counselor. It went like a fake movie review. I laughed. I cried. I got mad. I went through every setting on my blender of emotions that I have been experiencing since my wife’s death. My counselor, who I knew beforehand and also knew her husband, let me feel whatever I was feeling. It was cathartic.
We also discussed what do I do now. She said that it was too soon for dating. I didn’t say she was wrong, but I said that I was lonely and needed companionship. That companionship I need is something more than a support group. For almost a year, I have been running around as a caregiver, putting my emotions on hold and feeling very lonely. I need a hug. I need lots of hugs. And while I am not adverse to a buddy bear hug, I prefer my affection from females with their soft bodies.
But I realize that I am not ready for a relationship, at least not now. However, a good female friend would be wonderful. As to sex, I don’t really know. It could be wonderful, or it could set off a fresh round of crying. A song, a photo, or even the mention of a place we used to go to have all been guilty of triggering tears.
Now I realize that not everyone here has experienced the death of a spouse, but many of us have gone through the separation. My question is, how do you move on? Find a good rebound relationship? Wait until all the pain passes first? Did you already have a replacement in place?
Valentine’s Day is going to really suck.
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Post by baza on Jan 23, 2018 20:31:02 GMT -5
Been through both, marital split in 2009, death of (former) missus in 2015 (not exactly the same as you Brother obobfla , but similar) Most of the grieving over my marriage I did whilst still in it. That is to say I mourned the loss of the marriage I would have liked whilst still physically in my actual ILIASM deal.. I reckon it took me a good couple of years to work through that. Consequently, when the split became a real event, my transition through was "easier". It was still extraordinarily difficult, but didn't take as long to get through it. When my ex missus died, we had been split for 5 years. Our relationship was that of friends at this time. Not best friends or even good friends, but solid friends (and co-parents). My mourning of her was as a solid friend, although there were elements of 'old' feelings, and funnily enough a feeling of 'what a waste'. And selfishly, a major concern was my new status as sole parent of my two kids (both adults by then) Several months elapsed as I processed the new reality. |
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Post by obobfla on Jan 23, 2018 20:43:25 GMT -5
I told someone that I started grieving well before my wife died. Still, it’s kind of surreal not having her around, more of an empty space where she used to be. That takes getting used to. Right now, I am trying to set up our apartment and get our routine now. I still have boxes of her stuff to sort through and decide whether to keep or toss.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 23, 2018 21:24:01 GMT -5
I am unusual in that a month after deciding to divorce, I put up profiles on dating sites, and I had my first coffee dates a couple of months later. 9 months after deciding to divorce, I had my first real date, with a longtime acquaintance. Three months later, I had with him my first sex in 8 years. Two months later, we realized we were a couple. A few days later, my divorce was final.
But -- I had spent a couple of YEARS before divorcing reclaiming myself and developing a life independent of my husband. This included individual therapy, which I did for about 3 years until the therapist and I felt I was ready to terminate. I also without my husband explored a variety of social activities and hobbies and made friends -- men and women. This meant that after years of accommodating to my kids and husband's needs, I finally started figuring out again what I liked to do and what kind of people made me happy. During that time, I also grieved my marriage, and the end of that dream.
By the time I divorced, I really was ready to date. Divorce for me was a relief. I was free of something that I had outgrown. I no longer had hope or desired that my husband would love me back. I no longer was attracted to him or men like him. He bored me.
So, with that in mind, I agree with your therapist. What's needed is for you to take the time to grieve the end of your marriage and your wife's death. If you jump into a relationship, it might feel like a fix, but what it will be is a distraction from pain instead of working through it. Without also processing what happened with your marriage, and learning more about who you are and what you want, you may end up with another woman who's similar to your ex. It's easy to do until we analyze how we ended up in the previous dysfunction.
Congrats on getting into individual therapy and not letting that grief counselor discourage you from getting more help. I hope you'll keep posting here about what happens as you go through this healing and grieving process.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 23, 2018 23:20:24 GMT -5
A series of 12-steps could be useful for learning from the SM portion of the relationship in order to not repeat that pattern. Goodbye ceremonies that align with your beliefs could be helpful in the grieving portion (a written goodbye letter that you burn or a rosary or symbolic boxing up of trinkets - just a “ritual process” that feels like it resonates for YOU to let of the past & to begin claiming your spirit & personhood separate from “husband”)
But I do agree that I think what you want most is a real relationship and yet are probably not as ready as you want to be to actually create one.
Me too. I was in that situation & to varying degrees, still am sort of.
Keep the counselor- this one sounds GOOD. Keep sharing here too. We care about you. I really hope the best for you.
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Post by WindSister on Jan 24, 2018 14:21:37 GMT -5
You are moving on - in your own way. There's no easy way through it but just to go through it and that's what you are doing. My heart goes out to you.
As for another, or a companion - that's not something we can force even if we are ready and do want it. I did look upon getting out and I did date as I was moving out - not for a replacement, but to experience touch, companionship. Yes it can mess you up. But it can also help. I think it's all in how we look at things. I would say to just be honest and also protective a bit from those who might want to prey on your vulnerability.
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