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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 22, 2018 20:34:44 GMT -5
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 23, 2018 7:57:38 GMT -5
“But it is even trickier if one or both of the parents put the kids before their partner. One dad I went out with nearly boasted when telling me about a four-month relationship that went sour because his girlfriend did not understand why he’d abruptly leave in the middle of dinner because his tween son would call, upset about some matter with his hockey coach. Another’s girlfriend eventually broke up with him after several years because he rarely made time to spend alone with her, instead expecting constant family time with his son.”
Given the brief amount of free time most working parents have, I can see where those single parents were coming from when they chose being with their kids over being with a date or romantic partner. What was described above doesn’t seem excessive to me. That’s also why when I was single, I didn’t date guys with kids.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2018 11:24:22 GMT -5
Since I am soon going to be a single father with kids, I have to walk the line of dating, while being Dad at the same time. The same will be true for practically all the women I meet too.
It's also very easy to remember how "kids first/kids ONLY" killed our marriage.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 23, 2018 16:13:44 GMT -5
Certainly if one is casually dating while kids are still healing from the aftermath of a divorce, kids’ needs should come first. That is different than being in a marriage and never making couples time to be alone with one’s spouse.
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Post by baza on Jan 23, 2018 17:01:37 GMT -5
When Ms enna and I were putting our deal together, we BOTH said - "at times my kids are going to take precedence over you".
If one of my kids were to ring me during dinner with Ms enna wanting to bleat about his hockey coach, I'd tell him to piss off and I'd call him back tomorrow.
If, OTOH, one of my kids looked like getting put in the slammer in a foreign country (actual happening) then that certainly got my full attention.
A matter of priorities I think.
Ms ennas (single) daughter in 2013 had a difficult pregnancy and birth and Ms enna went up there to help and baz (and the dog) took a back seat for about a month whilst she was away. I think Ms enna had her priorities right.
The "major" problem gets my attention.
You get to define what's "major".
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Post by obobfla on Jan 23, 2018 20:17:42 GMT -5
Liked the article, but hated the headline. Damn clickbait if you ask me.
I am now a single parent, as in the only parent my son has living. No every other weekend or visitation for him.
Still, I make time for myself. Sometimes, my son insists on it. He knows what I need. And when I am ready, I will reach out for a relationship. I will set priorities like Baza does, defining what “major” is as I see fit.
But no matter what, my son will be a part of my life. I can’t have a relationship with anyone who doesn’t get along with my son.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2018 20:40:45 GMT -5
I have already begun to meet woman who immediately tell me, "My child has special needs she/he needs to be homeschooled, I work multiple shifts, I'm on call, I don't have time to do anything around the house, I'm exhausted, I do this for my kids, my kids always come first, my world revolves around them!". BIG RED FLAG.
No time, need, or room for a man in her life! It makes you wonder what caused the divorce? Could it be that they are certainly guilty of putting their kids ahead of their partner, and are not interested in learning anything from it?
I can say that because I've been there. Special needs, adoption, home school, home renovations, side businesses, caring for elderly relatives, etc....and knowing how much of it was not necessary,and the price to the marriage was ignored. Priorities where backwards.
A quote from the article: I don't live for my kids-and that is my biggest gift to them. Putting kids before all else, makes them neurotic and robs me of my potential to live the biggest fullest life that I can - and model for my children that such a life is possible.
After 19 yrs of raising children, and 12 yrs of homeschooling, I am more than ready to make it a top priority to hang out with other adults.Dates relatives, friends. It's not normal to spend all your time with children, nor make your offspring your primary emotional support. And while I am at it I am going to have a fulfilling lucrative career- without any guilt whatsoever, now that my teens are old enough to practically take care of themselves. Enrolled in public school, public college, driving, working, friends, homework,etc....They to are looking forward to seeing me do more with my life, while they live theirs.
Even though I was told "you do have a full-time job raising six kids, adoption and homeschool" That may be true that I am/was/can be a terrific stay at home dad, I still need a relationship and more of a self fulfilling purpose.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 23, 2018 21:32:34 GMT -5
"I have already begun to meet woman who immediately tell me, "My child has special needs she/he needs to be homeschooled, I work multiple shifts, I'm on call, I don't have time to do anything around the house, I'm exhausted, I do this for my kids". BIG RED FLAG. "
This may be their reality especially if -- as is typically the case -- the women don't have many financial resources.
GreatCoastal, I agree that they aren't the women for you. However, I think you could have more empathy for them. You have been fortunate that your wife made a lot of money. Not only are the women whom you've considered dating single, but it's likely they have more financial stress and responsibility than you have had and will have. I have women friends who had to raise their kids as single moms and sometimes they and their kids had to go hungry. One friend told me about not being able to afford a Christmas tree for her kids, but instead taping lights on the wall so they were in the shape of a tree. Maybe the women who don't have much time have deadbeat ex husbands or partners who don't pay child support nor do they bother to see the kids for visitation.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 23, 2018 21:38:52 GMT -5
I believe one of the keys to being a successful parent is picking the right battles. There are fights that I know I can’t win or it’s not worth the effort, such as banning cellphones. As he gets older, I have found there are instances where he’s going to shut me out because I am the dad. But I have found backups in my brothers, sisters, and in-laws to talk to my son.
It’s simple personal management. I have to take care of myself and my needs so I can be the best parent possible for him.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2018 21:48:09 GMT -5
"I have already begun to meet woman who immediately tell me, "My child has special needs she/he needs to be homeschooled, I work multiple shifts, I'm on call, I don't have time to do anything around the house, I'm exhausted, I do this for my kids". BIG RED FLAG. " This may be their reality especially if -- as is typically the case -- the women don't have many financial resources. GreatCoastal, I agree that they aren't the women for you. However, I think you could have more empathy for them. You have been fortunate that your wife made a lot of money. Not only are the women whom you've considered dating single, but it's likely they have more financial stress and responsibility than you have had and will have. I have women friends who had to raise their kids as single moms and sometimes they and their kids had to go hungry. One friend told me about not being able to afford a Christmas tree for her kids, but instead taping lights on the wall so they were in the shape of a tree. Maybe the women who don't have much time have deadbeat ex husbands or partners who don't pay child support nor do they bother to see the kids for visitation. Yea, yea, that's all well and good, I get that. I know single moms , tenants, homeless, and widows that I help out financially , home repairs, transporting there kids, mentoring, etc....all during my marriage. I am no stranger to it. You pick out one line and I get the impression that you ignore all the rest, and end up missing the bulk of the entire post. It's about what happens when you put children in front of the marriage and /or a relationship that can greatly benefit yourself. (hence benefiting the children) You are really not helping the children as much as you think. You are welcome to pull another word or line out if you want and give me one example of 'some one else you know' while ignoring the message. it's only posted because it will help me in my soon to be future risks, dangers, adventures, heartbreaks, mistakes, and victories. And possibly others can relate to it and benefit from it as well. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2018 22:50:57 GMT -5
"I have already begun to meet woman who immediately tell me, "My child has special needs she/he needs to be homeschooled, I work multiple shifts, I'm on call, I don't have time to do anything around the house, I'm exhausted, I do this for my kids". BIG RED FLAG. " This may be their reality especially if -- as is typically the case -- the women don't have many financial resources. GreatCoastal, I agree that they aren't the women for you. However, I think you could have more empathy for them. You have been fortunate that your wife made a lot of money. Not only are the women whom you've considered dating single, but it's likely they have more financial stress and responsibility than you have had and will have. I have women friends who had to raise their kids as single moms and sometimes they and their kids had to go hungry. One friend told me about not being able to afford a Christmas tree for her kids, but instead taping lights on the wall so they were in the shape of a tree. Maybe the women who don't have much time have deadbeat ex husbands or partners who don't pay child support nor do they bother to see the kids for visitation. I've had too much empathy for woman, and that's what scares me. "I am trying to heal thy self" and I know that i can easily melt like butter when children are involved. Then add on top of that my "I can help her financially and time with her kids" and fall, fall, fall into the same trouble as what I am escaping. By putting myself last, again. I thought you of all people would be proud and pleased to see me working on a "stand up for what you believe in", and help yourself" attitude? That's what I received from this article, and that's what I liked about it. A theme that I thought was popular around here? |
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Post by WindSister on Jan 24, 2018 10:26:50 GMT -5
Whether there are kids or not, any partner wants to know they at least rank as a priority - top three. A sane partner will know she will sometimes be first, sometimes be second or even third. But not ALWAYS second or third. If that makes sense.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 24, 2018 10:55:33 GMT -5
@i've had too much empathy for woman, and that's what scares me. "I am trying to heal thy self" and I know that i can easily melt like butter when children are involved. Then add on top of that my "I can help her financially and time with her kids" and fall, fall, fall into the same trouble as what I am escaping. By putting myself last, again.
I thought you of all people would be proud and pleased to see me working on a "stand up for what you believe in", and help yourself" attitude? “
Greatcoastal, Since you are reading notbhearing my words you may have thought I was being snide when I said those women were not the right women for you. I am agreeing with you without snideness. It’s a good and self affirming choice for you not to date such women.
I think the women may be making good decisions for their kids. Single parenting without many financial resources or with kids who have time-consuming conditions takes lots of effort. Those good decisions mean the women are not good fits for you.
When I was single, I avoided dating men with kids whom he still had responsibility for raising. I would not want a man who neglected his fatherhood responsibilities to be with me. I also wouldn’t want to be in a relationship in which I came in second to a man’s kids from someone else. I see nothing selfish in not dating a person who can’t provide what one wants in a relationship.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 24, 2018 21:42:12 GMT -5
Whether there are kids or not, any partner wants to know they at least rank as a priority - top three. A sane partner will know she will sometimes be first, sometimes be second or even third. But not ALWAYS second or third. If that makes sense. You said it quite nicely, and that is what I need to avoid in the future. Not settling for being shoved on the back burner again. Not to repeat the same mistake.. It's a terrible example of a healthy working relationship between two adults. I believe there are woman who understand this, and to not have to take the narrow approach of "only woman who have no more children to raise". Especially as I still have a few years left of raising my own teens. |
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 25, 2018 1:30:42 GMT -5
My bio son doesn't always come first for me, nor do my partner's bio kids always come first for him. But they often do! It is about priorities. Would I interrupt dinner to talk about a hockey coach? Hell no. But would I make time to talk to my son about it later? Yes. Would I take the call from my son during dinner? Yes. Because it might be more important than a personality clash.
Not too long ago, my partner and I had to cancel plans because his son was sick. He stayed home with sick child, and I took my son and his other son out. Very recently, I attended a Saturday conference which meant my work came before my child and my partner (he had all 3 lads on a rainy day!).
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