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Post by darktippedrose on May 14, 2016 2:55:44 GMT -5
I heard on this clip of a tv show I found from YouTube, describing a sexless marriage as anything less than 12x a year.
How do you define it?
Do you define it by the overall lack of intimacy? Sexual or emotional? Nearly sexless (1x a month or less) or completely sexless?
I would love to know.
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Post by baza on May 14, 2016 3:33:33 GMT -5
I think one would do better to look back on how many times you experienced sex with your spouse over the past year that filled you both with pleasure at the time, and produced that glorious sated, satisfied, appreciated, valued and treasured feeling in the after glow.
I'd suspect that for most members here in dysfunctional marriages, that figure for the past 12 months would be "0".
But if you want to just count roots, whats the difference between 11 per annum, and 13 per annum ?
I don't think that counting roots has much validity in identifying a dysfunctional situation (of 11 or less) from a functional situation (of 12 plus)
The sexual aspect of your marriage is either very satisfactory to you and your spouse, or it ain't. That's entirely your call. Put a number on it if it helps you, don't bother with the number if it doesn't help you.
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 4:53:51 GMT -5
I used the same definition, darktippedrose - less than once a month, per year. I keep the emotional impact separate, because, at least in my case, there is a great friendship and friendly affection. |
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Post by darktippedrose on May 14, 2016 5:26:29 GMT -5
baza ~ by that definition I haven't had anything since I was 24. thats when he at least pretended to be into it and even then, I think i was sooo into it I didn't realize his boredom. z by your definition, I haven't had any sexual contact for 3 years now. So while I crave contact, I just don't crave it with him. I don't yearn for him. My sexuality isn't safe with him so I don't want it with him anymore.
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Post by angryspartan on May 14, 2016 6:25:09 GMT -5
I don't know if using a number can really define if it isn't or is.
I've always thought it should be measured by how close your needs are met by your spouse.
Your satisfaction level tells more about the state of your sexlife than an arbitrary number.
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Post by Isabellas39 on May 14, 2016 6:40:53 GMT -5
I don't even have to wonder if my marriage is sexless because zero sex leaves no room for doubt..
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Post by greatcoastal on May 14, 2016 7:03:15 GMT -5
Putting a number on it helps to put it in perspective . A number helps you associate better with others as you try to explain your situation. For example, when the vast majority of men and women in your age bracket claim that sex once or twice a week fills their needs, and gives them the love in their marriage that they desire, you now have something to compare. Living in your isolated busy world with a spouse who is convinced that a little extra touch once a year, or every three years is plenty, makes you feel there is something wrong with you!
I believe the number issue opens doors for people. It shows you that you not only have a sexless marriage but a loveless marriage. Then comes the awakening process. You begin to learn more about , boundaries, control, passivity, and how much on going communication it takes to make a relationship sustainable.
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Post by jim44444 on May 14, 2016 8:13:52 GMT -5
I can see no value in the media definition regarding some fixed arbitrary number. To me it is defined by a continual disparity over time.
When the maximum fuck frequency (FF) of the low libido partner is consistently less than the minimum FF of the high libido partner then they have a SM. This can only be determined at the couple level. A high libido partner in one couple could be the low libido partner in another relationship.
Each of us must determine the state of our relationship given the many variables that it encompasses.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 14, 2016 8:40:12 GMT -5
I can see no value in the media definition regarding some fixed arbitrary number. To me it is defined by a continual disparity over time. When the maximum fuck frequency (FF) of the low libido partner is consistently less than the minimum FF of the high libido partner then they have a SM. This can only be determined at the couple level. A high libido partner in one couple could be the low libido partner in another relationship. Each of us must determine the state of our relationship given the many variables that it encompasses. Your point is true and well taken. Just for clarity and discussion let me ask you this. If you were in a room of 500 people and you said" I like to have sex 4 times a day for the rest of my life." Then the 500 people were asked, " how many of you agree?" One other person raises there hand. next person says " I like to have sex once or twice a week"." How many of you agree?" 490 raise there hands. Next person says " sex isn't important in marriage I don't like it". " how many of you agree?" 2 people raise there hand. You may go home thinking I am right, all of them don't know what they're talking about. Or you would begin to question your sex life. |
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 9:11:57 GMT -5
I have read that the standard definition for therapy purposes is less than 10x/year. However my own therapist does not attach an arbitrary number to it and instead defines it a SM if one partner's needs are not met (within reason of course). I.e., if you're demanding sex multiple times a day or even every day but getting it 3x a week, you can't quite call that sexless.
For my own marriage, the frequency was always bad. It was every few weeks, then once a month, then every few months. Now we're at 8, going on 9. Inching towards a year. At this point, the marriage feels dead to me.
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Post by skguy on May 14, 2016 9:46:47 GMT -5
I heard on this clip of a tv show I found from YouTube, describing a sexless marriage as anything less than 12x a year. How do you define it? Do you define it by the overall lack of intimacy? Sexual or emotional? Nearly sexless (1x a month or less) or completely sexless? I would love to know. I think I might just go with the lack of intimacy. I do t need actual sex per say, but some intimacy so we just don't feel line close friends. If I was having sex 12 times a year I might not define it as sexless. But that's because I'm getting zero now. So 12 might at least have me looking forward to it. I remember past sex and wish for some of that. :-) |
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Post by jim44444 on May 14, 2016 9:53:19 GMT -5
I can see no value in the media definition regarding some fixed arbitrary number. To me it is defined by a continual disparity over time. When the maximum fuck frequency (FF) of the low libido partner is consistently less than the minimum FF of the high libido partner then they have a SM. This can only be determined at the couple level. A high libido partner in one couple could be the low libido partner in another relationship. Each of us must determine the state of our relationship given the many variables that it encompasses. Your point is true and well taken. Just for clarity and discussion let me ask you this. If you were in a room of 500 people and you said" I like to have sex 4 times a day for the rest of my life." Then the 500 people were asked, " how many of you agree?" One other person raises there hand. next person says " I like to have sex once or twice a week"." How many of you agree?" 490 raise there hands. Next person says " sex isn't important in marriage I don't like it". " how many of you agree?" 2 people raise there hand. You may go home thinking I am right, all of them don't know what they're talking about. Or you would begin to question your sex life. , I would not question my sex life but I would be getting the name and number if said person is female. |
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 10:04:06 GMT -5
I can see no value in the media definition regarding some fixed arbitrary number. To me it is defined by a continual disparity over time. When the maximum fuck frequency (FF) of the low libido partner is consistently less than the minimum FF of the high libido partner then they have a SM. This can only be determined at the couple level. A high libido partner in one couple could be the low libido partner in another relationship. Each of us must determine the state of our relationship given the many variables that it encompasses. LOL at maximum and minimum FF! Somebody on EP actually came up with a mathematical equation once. I may have that old EP post stored somewhere. |
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Post by darktippedrose on May 14, 2016 17:29:38 GMT -5
According to all definitions, mine is sexless lol.
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 17:32:32 GMT -5
I don't even have to wonder if my marriage is sexless because zero sex leaves no room for doubt.. ^That^ |
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