The All or Nothing Marriage, by Eli Finkel
Jan 18, 2018 21:40:42 GMT -5
Dan, GeekGoddess, and 3 more like this
Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2018 21:40:42 GMT -5
Sharing a book I’m reading…
After a discussion of how the purpose of marriage has evolved over the ages, Finkel advocates for a "good enough" marriage. He suggests we take a step back and ask less of our marriages. Doing so, he says, will help us be less disappointed, taking pressure off the marriage and our spouses. He explains how it is a fairly recent cultural expectation that marriage should not only fulfill us in every way (socially, emotionally, financially, intellectually, and sexually), but also propel us to self-actualization. That's a ridiculously tall, even impossible order.
Finkel suggests we figure out what we most want from our marriages - financial security, co-parenting, community status, sexual fulfillment, etc? And then, lower the bar elsewhere. We can't have it all and we'll be happier once we accept this.
As for sex, Finkel says that long term sexual compatibility and satisfaction is rare in marriage. It's something both partners have to want in order to make it work. Barring that, he advocates masturbation and toys and also devotes a section of the book to consensual non-monogamy, which he admits is very difficult to sustain and not very common (he doesn’t necessarily advocate this, he’s just nodding to the discussion of it in the culture at large). He doesn't give cheating as an option, although he acknowledges it happens. He’s pro-marriage and pro-consent. I assume he would say that if you have to lie or cheat to get it, you might as well leave.
For anyone trying to stay and be amicable, even if just until the kids are raised, I think it’s a great read that might bring you some peace.
After a discussion of how the purpose of marriage has evolved over the ages, Finkel advocates for a "good enough" marriage. He suggests we take a step back and ask less of our marriages. Doing so, he says, will help us be less disappointed, taking pressure off the marriage and our spouses. He explains how it is a fairly recent cultural expectation that marriage should not only fulfill us in every way (socially, emotionally, financially, intellectually, and sexually), but also propel us to self-actualization. That's a ridiculously tall, even impossible order.
Finkel suggests we figure out what we most want from our marriages - financial security, co-parenting, community status, sexual fulfillment, etc? And then, lower the bar elsewhere. We can't have it all and we'll be happier once we accept this.
As for sex, Finkel says that long term sexual compatibility and satisfaction is rare in marriage. It's something both partners have to want in order to make it work. Barring that, he advocates masturbation and toys and also devotes a section of the book to consensual non-monogamy, which he admits is very difficult to sustain and not very common (he doesn’t necessarily advocate this, he’s just nodding to the discussion of it in the culture at large). He doesn't give cheating as an option, although he acknowledges it happens. He’s pro-marriage and pro-consent. I assume he would say that if you have to lie or cheat to get it, you might as well leave.
For anyone trying to stay and be amicable, even if just until the kids are raised, I think it’s a great read that might bring you some peace.
And that I'm self-delusional thinking my spouse is best partner for me because I'm committed to marriage. Apparently both are beneficial. 
