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Advise
Jan 19, 2018 9:35:48 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 19, 2018 9:35:48 GMT -5
Hi lostintime , sorry you've ended up here but welcome. It sounds as though you have already made multiple efforts to talk to your wife about this and that she is not interested in acknowledging your position (an all too common scenario on this forum). Be aware that your feelings about your wife and your marriage are very unlikely to change, except that the over time, the situation will become less tolerable to you, not more tolerable. At some future point, and you can rely on this, the cost of leaving will outweigh the cost of staying for you. So, without actually saying you are going to leave, you might as well just prepare yourself for that eventuality. The indecision is miserable- once you have firmly decided what you are going to do, you will be happier. I know the cost will go up, but the kids portion of the marriage is something that I cannot do much about. I can always make more money but I thinks this will be very hard for kids and will ruin them emotionally. I recently stopped asking for sex to see what happens, so far its ones a month will see what happens going forward
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Jan 19, 2018 9:37:39 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 19, 2018 9:37:39 GMT -5
“At some future point, and you can rely on this, the cost of leaving will outweigh the cost of staying for you.” That is not guaranteed. Some stay in SMs until the death. Some people can tolerate more pain than others can. If we did not have kids it would be much easier. I love my kids and do not want to harm them in any way
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Advise
Jan 19, 2018 11:04:27 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by rejected101 on Jan 19, 2018 11:04:27 GMT -5
Hi, I am in early 40th and been married for 15+ years with kids (kids are 9+ years old now). I look after myself and workout on regular basis. Cannot complain about money, health and kids. My sex life prior to marriage with other girls was good would do it 3-6 times a night in the beginning and then would level off to 3-6 times a week. With my soon to be wife it was never as good but I liked her as a person and she was very nice to me and so we got married. We would have sex on a regular basis in a first couple of years 3-4 times a week. After the first child was born our sex life went from OK to I always have to ask for sex after the second child she is never in the mood and I have to constantly ask (beg) for it and and if I beg enough I can get it 2-3 times a week if I do not ask for sex than we do not have sex (maybe once a month). I am not sure if this constitutes as a sexless marriage but I feel depressed and lonely. I tried talking to her about sex multiple times and told her how I feel, but she does not want to acknowledge that its problem and makes it out like she is doing me a favor. I had many choices and choose her because I thought that she would be good to me even though she is not my type. I am unhappy in my marriage as she was never my first choice and she is not as nice to me as she use to be. I do not think I can go through divorce because of the kids and money. I make around 150K a year and work about 75 hours a week do not have time for friends or other girls the wife looks after kids and works part time maybe 15 hours a week. I live in NYC area so I would have to cut my hours and pay for two places and make time for kids. Not sure what to do as its getting worse. LostInTime Yes it does qualify as a sexless marriage because once per month is pathetic. Having to ask or beg all the time is also pathetic. It’s a lot like many other people on this forum have experienced. Have you considered both marriage and sex therapy? It could help.
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Advise
Jan 19, 2018 14:07:02 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 19, 2018 14:07:02 GMT -5
Hi, I am in early 40th and been married for 15+ years with kids (kids are 9+ years old now). I look after myself and workout on regular basis. Cannot complain about money, health and kids. My sex life prior to marriage with other girls was good would do it 3-6 times a night in the beginning and then would level off to 3-6 times a week. With my soon to be wife it was never as good but I liked her as a person and she was very nice to me and so we got married. We would have sex on a regular basis in a first couple of years 3-4 times a week. After the first child was born our sex life went from OK to I always have to ask for sex after the second child she is never in the mood and I have to constantly ask (beg) for it and and if I beg enough I can get it 2-3 times a week if I do not ask for sex than we do not have sex (maybe once a month). I am not sure if this constitutes as a sexless marriage but I feel depressed and lonely. I tried talking to her about sex multiple times and told her how I feel, but she does not want to acknowledge that its problem and makes it out like she is doing me a favor. I had many choices and choose her because I thought that she would be good to me even though she is not my type. I am unhappy in my marriage as she was never my first choice and she is not as nice to me as she use to be. I do not think I can go through divorce because of the kids and money. I make around 150K a year and work about 75 hours a week do not have time for friends or other girls the wife looks after kids and works part time maybe 15 hours a week. I live in NYC area so I would have to cut my hours and pay for two places and make time for kids. Not sure what to do as its getting worse. LostInTime Yes it does qualify as a sexless marriage because once per month is pathetic. Having to ask or beg all the time is also pathetic. It’s a lot like many other people on this forum have experienced. Have you considered both marriage and sex therapy? It could help. I do not think therapy will help. When we have a serious conversation about sex and my needs it goes back to normal; a few weeks later it the same issue. I think she understands that there is an issue. She was the one who wanted the marriage and attended my every need, but that was 10+ years ago. It just looks like she became lazy when it comes to sex and would rather watch a show, sleep or read on Facebook. Once she gets into it she enjoys sex, its just hard for me to always initiate or ask for it. Not sure if this explains it better
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2018 14:21:26 GMT -5
I'm going to take the less popular view here. 2-3 times per week is a problem?
If you don't do anything then it's once per month, correct?
Pretty simple math. Her natural libido might be once/month and yours is 3-4/week. Somewhere in between is your reality (or once per month) so either accept it or get out. Those are your choices. There is no coercing, begging, etc. that will magically make her want to have sex with you as often as you'd like. Once a month may be pathetic for you but it's well within her normal comfort zone.
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Jan 19, 2018 14:37:03 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 19, 2018 14:37:03 GMT -5
I'm going to take the less popular view here. 2-3 times per week is a problem? If you don't do anything then it's once per month, correct? Pretty simple math. Her natural libido might be once/month and yours is 3-4/week. Somewhere in between is your reality (or once per month) so either accept it or get out. Those are your choices. There is no coercing, begging, etc. that will magically make her want to have sex with you as often as you'd like. Once a month may be pathetic for you but it's well within her normal comfort zone. No 2-3 times is not a problem, I just don't want to be the first one to initiate it or ask for it. 1 per month is the problem and I just tried a couple of times to see what would happen if I do not initiate it. I cannot get out 15+ years of marriage too much invested into it. I just get depressed and lonely at times and start thinking about outsourcing but that is also complicated with my schedule. Also think back of what would happen if I made a different choice etc.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2018 14:41:21 GMT -5
Your wife has a meal ticket. I've done the job grind in NYC. I lived in New Jersey and commuted in. It was not much of a life and could not enjoy the money I was making. Just like you, I left the house around 6:00 am and got home at 8:00 . pm. It's no way to live and only makes you old and miserable.
I promise you that the money is not worth it. Stop working so much and get a smaller house. If you're wife wants a big house, then tell her to go to work. You're just the servant and she's the queen. That's how she treats you. I don't blame you for not liking your marriage.
If you separated from your wife, you would see your kids the same amount. As it is now, you only see them on the weekends, is the correct? It's not like your home at 5:00 and spending time with them.
I'm having to dig myself out of hole because I waited so long to do something about my marriage. Don't make the same mistake. Even if you're getting sex, it's not satisfying because it's not a natural response for your wife.
I fixed the sexless part of my marriage. There was a whole other load of problems. I realized it once I started getting sex again. I can promise you that it's more than just a sex problem. You're wife prefers facebook and tv over sex with you. That's the reality of your situation. I'm not being mean. It's just honesty. Many other forum members' spouses on this forum prefer computer, tv, hobbies, etc.. over sex with their spouses. It's why we're on here.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2018 15:55:26 GMT -5
I'm going to take the less popular view here. 2-3 times per week is a problem? If you don't do anything then it's once per month, correct? Pretty simple math. Her natural libido might be once/month and yours is 3-4/week. Somewhere in between is your reality (or once per month) so either accept it or get out. Those are your choices. There is no coercing, begging, etc. that will magically make her want to have sex with you as often as you'd like. Once a month may be pathetic for you but it's well within her normal comfort zone. No 2-3 times is not a problem, I just don't want to be the first one to initiate it or ask for it. 1 per month is the problem and I just tried a couple of times to see what would happen if I do not initiate it. I cannot get out 15+ years of marriage too much invested into it. I just get depressed and lonely at times and start thinking about outsourcing but that is also complicated with my schedule. Also think back of what would happen if I made a different choice etc. You will never win the initiating battle. I know it hurts and I know it affects your life throughout the day but it just is. The ways through are either get out or find a way to avoid the resentments in each of you. You resent her for not wanting you the way you want her. She, if she hasn't already, resents being badgered for sex (something that isn't important to her). The resentment cycle is eventually what snuffs out the relationships in my opinion. I've been there. I'm not a believer in outsourcing but I get the attraction, it's just that what I was looking for wasn't just sex but the fulfillment of love and connection that comes with it. I always assumed that an affair would either be empty sex or, with the connection I wanted, a marriage ender and I didn't want that for our family's sake. If a compromise will work, then you can manage although I would warn you that frequency will always drift her direction without effort on your part.
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Post by baza on Jan 19, 2018 16:09:23 GMT -5
Brother @heraclitus gets to the core point. Rarely is it "just the sex" that is the issue that has driven the deal into the ditch. An obvious example. Sister mypaintbrushes . Have a read of her threads. Do you seriously think that sex is the key problem there ? Another. Brother ricky2669 . Read his threads. Would you, in all seriousness, say that the key issue there is sex ? h , surfergirl , choosinghappy and many many many more. Your own story probably tells a similar story. My own story certainly does. So does just about every story on here. Read peoples stories. REALLY read them. Invariably there are issues in play that have driven the deal into the ditch other than sex. The lack of sex is just the visible symptom. It is not, in and of itself, the sex that is the core problem. People in dysfunctional / incompatible marriages don't fuck each other. First comes the core dysfunctionality / incompatibility, the key issue. Then comes the cessation of sex as a result. If you are concentrating on the sex as the core issue, you are chasing shadows down a dead end.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2018 16:57:32 GMT -5
There is also a chicken/egg problem sometimes at play. I understand baza's point and, of course, many are that way. However, there are others where sex is the core issue.
Only you can decide which you have. Is the mismatched sex/intimacy leading to resentment and problems OR are you in a dysfunctional relationship and sex is drifting away.
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Jan 19, 2018 17:18:49 GMT -5
Post by h on Jan 19, 2018 17:18:49 GMT -5
There is also a chicken/egg problem sometimes at play. I understand baza's point and, of course, many are that way. However, there are others where sex is the core issue. Only you can decide which you have. Is the mismatched sex/intimacy leading to resentment and problems OR are you in a dysfunctional relationship and sex is drifting away. I fall into the first category. We were great together before we got married (when sex was off the table due to our beliefs). It wasn't until we got married and continued not having sex that the resentment started to build.
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Advise
Jan 19, 2018 19:10:30 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by appleaday on Jan 19, 2018 19:10:30 GMT -5
There is also a chicken/egg problem sometimes at play. I understand baza's point and, of course, many are that way. However, there are others where sex is the core issue. Only you can decide which you have. Is the mismatched sex/intimacy leading to resentment and problems OR are you in a dysfunctional relationship and sex is drifting away. Yes, this! This is where my relationship falls because honestly, if there was any sex (never has been in my marriage), or really, any decent sex, then my marriage would work. It's not perfect but I think everything else can be worked out or just something that isn't a big deal. But living without sex or touching for the rest of my life? Deal breaker.
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Jan 20, 2018 13:55:29 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 20, 2018 13:55:29 GMT -5
Your wife has a meal ticket. I've done the job grind in NYC. I lived in New Jersey and commuted in. It was not much of a life and could not enjoy the money I was making. Just like you, I left the house around 6:00 am and got home at 8:00 . pm. It's no way to live and only makes you old and miserable. I promise you that the money is not worth it. Stop working so much and get a smaller house. If you're wife wants a big house, then tell her to go to work. You're just the servant and she's the queen. That's how she treats you. I don't blame you for not liking your marriage. If you separated from your wife, you would see your kids the same amount. As it is now, you only see them on the weekends, is the correct? It's not like your home at 5:00 and spending time with them. I'm having to dig myself out of hole because I waited so long to do something about my marriage. Don't make the same mistake. Even if you're getting sex, it's not satisfying because it's not a natural response for your wife. I fixed the sexless part of my marriage. There was a whole other load of problems. I realized it once I started getting sex again. I can promise you that it's more than just a sex problem. You're wife prefers facebook and tv over sex with you. That's the reality of your situation. I'm not being mean. It's just honesty. Many other forum members' spouses on this forum prefer computer, tv, hobbies, etc.. over sex with their spouses. It's why we're on here. I see them for an hour or 2 before they go to bed, they go to bed at around 9:30-10pm. Working long hours is part of a problem but every one in the house is accustomed to big house, good schools, nice cars, etc. Not sure if I want to change it. I realize all the issues I have, just not ready to make any changes at this time and am just here to be able to talk to people in similar situations.
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Advise
Jan 20, 2018 14:01:52 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 20, 2018 14:01:52 GMT -5
Brother @heraclitus gets to the core point. Rarely is it "just the sex" that is the issue that has driven the deal into the ditch. An obvious example. Sister mypaintbrushes . Have a read of her threads. Do you seriously think that sex is the key problem there ? Another. Brother ricky2669 . Read his threads. Would you, in all seriousness, say that the key issue there is sex ? h , surfergirl , choosinghappy and many many many more. Your own story probably tells a similar story. My own story certainly does. So does just about every story on here. Read peoples stories. REALLY read them. Invariably there are issues in play that have driven the deal into the ditch other than sex. The lack of sex is just the visible symptom. It is not, in and of itself, the sex that is the core problem. People in dysfunctional / incompatible marriages don't fuck each other. First comes the core dysfunctionality / incompatibility, the key issue. Then comes the cessation of sex as a result. If you are concentrating on the sex as the core issue, you are chasing shadows down a dead end. You are correct sex is not the core issue in most of the relationships here, but its an issue that can easily be identified and quantified. Absence of sex also makes people feel depressed and lonely.
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Post by baza on Jan 20, 2018 20:30:52 GMT -5
FWIW, it seems to me that most stories in here say something along the lines below Brother lostintime . - - "My marriage is a big fuck up, and naturally there is no sex happening. I could live with the other issues in my marriage if I at least had some sex happening, So someone - anyone - PLEEEAAASE tell me how to get some sex happening in my deal so I don't have to leave."
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