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Advise
Jan 18, 2018 15:36:52 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 18, 2018 15:36:52 GMT -5
Hi,
I am in early 40th and been married for 15+ years with kids (kids are 9+ years old now). I look after myself and workout on regular basis. Cannot complain about money, health and kids.
My sex life prior to marriage with other girls was good would do it 3-6 times a night in the beginning and then would level off to 3-6 times a week. With my soon to be wife it was never as good but I liked her as a person and she was very nice to me and so we got married. We would have sex on a regular basis in a first couple of years 3-4 times a week. After the first child was born our sex life went from OK to I always have to ask for sex after the second child she is never in the mood and I have to constantly ask (beg) for it and and if I beg enough I can get it 2-3 times a week if I do not ask for sex than we do not have sex (maybe once a month). I am not sure if this constitutes as a sexless marriage but I feel depressed and lonely.
I tried talking to her about sex multiple times and told her how I feel, but she does not want to acknowledge that its problem and makes it out like she is doing me a favor. I had many choices and choose her because I thought that she would be good to me even though she is not my type. I am unhappy in my marriage as she was never my first choice and she is not as nice to me as she use to be. I do not think I can go through divorce because of the kids and money. I make around 150K a year and work about 75 hours a week do not have time for friends or other girls the wife looks after kids and works part time maybe 15 hours a week. I live in NYC area so I would have to cut my hours and pay for two places and make time for kids. Not sure what to do as its getting worse.
LostInTime
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Post by h on Jan 18, 2018 15:48:47 GMT -5
2-3 times a week would be my dream come true.
If you are unhappy you have to decide how much unhappiness you are willing to endure before divorce is less painful. What would send you over the edge into "I can't take it anymore," territory?
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2018 17:06:56 GMT -5
See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you Brother lostintime. Then within what is legally possible, put together an exit strategy and knock it onto do-able state. Get your support network shored up. Research everything you can find about managing kids through a divorce. With this theoretical information you can make an objective choice about what your next move might be. Your options are Stay Stay and cheat Leave All perfectly legitimate options. Much of the membership here is wrestling with the same choices you face, so pull up a chair and start reading.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 18, 2018 17:39:15 GMT -5
Maybe your wife isn’t interested in sex because she can tell you settled for her. You don’t seem to care that much about her nor do you seem that attracted to her. Based on what you’ve posted, it’s likely that the marriage you have now is as good as it’s going to get. You can accept it and stay, you can cheat or you can divorce and cope with the inconveniences that come with divorce.
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Advise
Jan 18, 2018 18:33:59 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 18, 2018 18:33:59 GMT -5
2-3 times a week would be my dream come true. If you are unhappy you have to decide how much unhappiness you are willing to endure before divorce is less painful. What would send you over the edge into "I can't take it anymore," territory? Yes I can settle for that but I would have to beg every day and complain that its hard for me and I cannot take it anymore. I do not have any more strength left for that.
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Advise
Jan 18, 2018 18:38:49 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 18, 2018 18:38:49 GMT -5
See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you Brother lostintime . Then within what is legally possible, put together an exit strategy and knock it onto do-able state. Get your support network shored up. Research everything you can find about managing kids through a divorce. With this theoretical information you can make an objective choice about what your next move might be. Your options are Stay Stay and cheat Leave All perfectly legitimate options. Much of the membership here is wrestling with the same choices you face, so pull up a chair and start reading. I would give her more than than I have too, I have kids with her and she is not making much money. I would also have to cut my hours to 40 from 75 and my income will go down, also will have to pay for two places and for kids until 21. That will not leave me with much cash or time to start dating again.
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Advise
Jan 18, 2018 18:49:26 GMT -5
Post by baza on Jan 18, 2018 18:49:26 GMT -5
It reads like you have consulted a lawyer Brother lostintime . And it further reads like you have done some arithmetic as well. That's good, and puts you further ahead than most newbies. If you can get those other two bases covered (support network and kids) you'll be in good shape to make a fully informed choice about what you might do. And then, things start to get challenging. Very challenging indeed.
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Advise
Jan 18, 2018 18:51:38 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 18, 2018 18:51:38 GMT -5
Maybe your wife isn’t interested in sex because she can tell you settled for her. You don’t seem to care that much about her nor do you seem that attracted to her. Based on what you’ve posted, it’s likely that the marriage you have now is as good as it’s going to get. You can accept it and stay, you can cheat or you can divorce and cope with the inconveniences that come with divorce. I give her a lot of compliments and try to get her into the mood. Once she agrees she enjoys is a lot more than I do (she orgasms 2-3 times) in the time it takes me to do it once. It just seems that for her its extra work with pleasant outcome and for me its something that I need (kind of like food). She also does not work a lot and kids don't require as much time as they use too. She does have a lot of friends and goes out twice a month, where I work crazy hours and don't have time for friends. I do not think I can go through divorce because of kids / time / money. Have not tried cheating yet as it will require a lot of time plus its going be hard to be discrete about it. It looks like I am in loose loose situation and it makes me unhappy, lonely and depressed with no way out. She is a good friend but a bad wife.
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2018 18:58:55 GMT -5
There IS a way out Brother lostintime . It appears however, that you are not prepared to pay the price for the exit ticket. And that, is a perfectly legitimate choice to make. Bear in mind though, that the price of the exit ticket (in both monetary and emotional terms) only goes up - *or you die - whichever comes first.Todays price, as of January 2018 will look like a bargain basement deal compared to the price in January 2023. *Amended in italics above (in light of Sister @northernstarmom s comment below)
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Jan 18, 2018 22:44:37 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 18, 2018 22:44:37 GMT -5
There IS a way out Brother lostintime . It appears however, that you are not prepared to pay the price for the exit ticket. And that, is a perfectly legitimate choice to make. Bear in mind though, that the price of the exit ticket (in both monetary and emotional terms) only goes up. Todays price, as of January 2018 will look like a bargain basement deal compared to the price in January 2023. You are right there is way out but the cost is too high. I do not think I will be happier with the outcome less time with kids, less time for me and higher costs for everything and yes I understand that the cost will go up. Thanks for your advise
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 18, 2018 23:23:17 GMT -5
before going too much further, please talk more about "working 75 hrs. a week? That's saying something.....That's saying you are not there that much for the marriage and the children.
Perhaps that could help your sex by having more devotion, by using your time for intimacy, and family?
Where you always working so many hours during the beginning of your dating relationship?
All asked with respect, and meant to be in a helpful manner. Reverse it and think how things would be if your wife was working an 80 hr. work week?
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Post by james on Jan 19, 2018 3:50:15 GMT -5
Hi lostintime , sorry you've ended up here but welcome. It sounds as though you have already made multiple efforts to talk to your wife about this and that she is not interested in acknowledging your position (an all too common scenario on this forum). Be aware that your feelings about your wife and your marriage are very unlikely to change, except that the over time, the situation will become less tolerable to you, not more tolerable. At some future point, and you can rely on this, the cost of leaving will outweigh the cost of staying for you. So, without actually saying you are going to leave, you might as well just prepare yourself for that eventuality. The indecision is miserable- once you have firmly decided what you are going to do, you will be happier.
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Advise
Jan 19, 2018 7:11:31 GMT -5
via mobile
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 19, 2018 7:11:31 GMT -5
“At some future point, and you can rely on this, the cost of leaving will outweigh the cost of staying for you.”
That is not guaranteed. Some stay in SMs until the death. Some people can tolerate more pain than others can.
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Advise
Jan 19, 2018 9:24:03 GMT -5
Post by lostintime on Jan 19, 2018 9:24:03 GMT -5
before going too much further, please talk more about "working 75 hrs. a week? That's saying something.....That's saying you are not there that much for the marriage and the children. Perhaps that could help your sex by having more devotion, by using your time for intimacy, and family? Where you always working so many hours during the beginning of your dating relationship? All asked with respect, and meant to be in a helpful manner. Reverse it and think how things would be if your wife was working an 80 hr. work week? I am not home from 6am to 8pm on weekdays and sometimes work about 10-15 hours on the weekend. Usually spend 2 hours a day with kids on the weekdays and a lot of time on the weekends. I sleep very little about 5 hours a day. I always use to work a lot maybe not as much as I do now. She always wanted bigger house better schools, etc. She is always tired even though her days is not as busy as mine she also likes to sleep 9+ hours a day. I do not think she would be able to work these many hours, I would not mind if she worked longer hours and had more energy.
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Advise
Jan 19, 2018 9:35:08 GMT -5
Post by james on Jan 19, 2018 9:35:08 GMT -5
“At some future point, and you can rely on this, the cost of leaving will outweigh the cost of staying for you.” That is not guaranteed. Some stay in SMs until the death. Some people can tolerate more pain than others can. Of course, you are quite right, northstarmom. On reflection I have simply projected my current state of mind (can't take any more) onto everyone else in the forum, but clearly some do stay. I wonder how many, and if it's different for wives and husbands?
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