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Post by baza on Jan 25, 2018 1:27:47 GMT -5
At some point, Ms enna and I will likely get married.
We have been co-habitating for just on 8 years now.
I can't see what possible difference it will make if we do or we don't.
It would be just window dressing.
Let me say tho' that window dressing has its' place.
I don't think it will make a blind bit of difference as to whether we ultimately stay together or not.
The existing relationship will tell that tale, and at this point, I'm not seeing any threat to it.
The main obstacle to doing a bit of window dressing is that technically, Ms enna is still "married" to her husband, tho they haven't lived together for 9 years and split their assets at about the same time.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 3, 2018 18:22:36 GMT -5
My first marriage was a failure from the altar. If I had died two years ago it would be in the statistics as a successful marriage, because it did not end in divorce.
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Post by baza on Feb 3, 2018 19:49:45 GMT -5
My first marriage was a failure from the altar. If I had died two years ago it would be in the statistics as a successful marriage, because it did not end in divorce. I like that Brother ironhamster . What is a "successful" marriage ? Like you, I could point out my deal that ran 30+ years, brought financial stability, a couple of kids, no violence, a pretty good facade etc etc. By some peoples judgement call, it could be seen as a success. (although in my case it DID end in divorce). But for quite a long while it may have appeared to be a success. I wouldn't - and don't - share that view. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 3, 2018 20:35:15 GMT -5
My first marriage was a failure from the altar. If I had died two years ago it would be in the statistics as a successful marriage, because it did not end in divorce. I like that Brother ironhamster . What is a "successful" marriage ? Like you, I could point out my deal that ran 30+ years, brought financial stability, a couple of kids, no violence, a pretty good facade etc etc. By some peoples judgement call, it could be seen as a success. (although in my case it DID end in divorce). But for quite a long while it may have appeared to be a success. I wouldn't - and don't - share that view. So when I meet someone who I haven't seen for a while, I tell them "I've been married 25 yrs, and I am getting divorced". They immediately respond, " oh, I'm sorry to hear that". They have no idea of the failure that is going on behind the fake mask of large family, no violence,financial stability etc.... Even more interesting is when I say, " I appreciate that, however it really is a good thing . The whole family will be better off, we will all be happier living in two separate households". Then they seem to accept it quite readily. They struggle with much of the same, or know someone who has. |
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Post by baza on Feb 3, 2018 21:06:29 GMT -5
I personally think Brother greatcoastal , that whereas a divorce is a really big deal to the participants in it, that people outside of the immediate participants involved don't really give a fuck unless they are in some way directly affected themselves. Those outside of the immediate participants might offer up a banal - "Oh I'm so sorry" - or similar whilst edging away glancing at their watch, keen to get home and watch Canada's Funniest Home Videos. I understand that attitude too, I've done it myself. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 3, 2018 21:35:06 GMT -5
I personally think Brother greatcoastal , that whereas a divorce is a really big deal to the participants in it, that people outside of the immediate participants involved don't really give a fuck unless they are in some way directly affected themselves. Those outside of the immediate participants might offer up a banal - "Oh I'm so sorry" - or similar whilst edging away glancing at their watch, keen to get home and watch Canada's Funniest Home Videos. I understand that attitude too, I've done it myself. Yes there is a lot of truth in that. Then there is also the part that the person you are speaking to is hiding behind the fake mask of "my marriage is great ,been married 25 yrs!!" when really they envy your opportunity to be your true self and have a new beginning. You may have planted a seed and will never know it. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 3, 2018 21:55:08 GMT -5
I like that Brother ironhamster . What is a "successful" marriage ? Like you, I could point out my deal that ran 30+ years, brought financial stability, a couple of kids, no violence, a pretty good facade etc etc. By some peoples judgement call, it could be seen as a success. (although in my case it DID end in divorce). But for quite a long while it may have appeared to be a success. I wouldn't - and don't - share that view. So when I meet someone who I haven't seen for a while, I tell them "I've been married 25 yrs, and I am getting divorced". They immediately respond, " oh, I'm sorry to hear that". They have no idea of the failure that is going on behind the fake mask of large family, no violence,financial stability etc.... Even more interesting is when I say, " I appreciate that, however it really is a good thing . The whole family will be better off, we will all be happier living in two separate households". Then they seem to accept it quite readily. They struggle with much of the same, or know someone who has. When people say "I'm sorry" to me I have several responses ready. If they didn't know my ex I reply "I'm not". It totally breaks the tension and we both get it. If they knew her I talk about how it was amazingly amicable it was. How we will be good Co parents. How we just drifted apart. Now don't get me wrong. The first statement is the more true by far. But if people knew both of us that also cuts through the tension. |
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Post by Dan on Feb 6, 2018 20:46:13 GMT -5
“Second marriages may fail faster because there are no young kids.” Or because of blended families. I don't get the inference here at all. Not saying "I disagree"... saying "I don't understand". My conjecture is that "first marriages get 'stretched' to cover the time kids are still in the house, but second marriages -- more likely to NOT have young kids -- that 'pressure to stay' is removed." Are you suggesting that "a blended family (where both husband and wife bring their own kids in to the second-marriage household) is such a stress that second marriages are more likely to fail"? If that is what you are suggesting... I dunno. I don't see it. I'd expect husband and wife (who are also already a dad and a mom) are probably pretty vested in their kids interests, and would have avoided wedding plans if they though the new household was fatally flawed due to the children. Any chance you have any data about this? Or even anecdotes? (Not trying to be confrontational. I'm really just trying to get my head around this.) |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 6, 2018 21:05:55 GMT -5
Dan@ 2 of my favorite books in making my divorce decision where "Boundaries in Marriage" and "Saying goodbye to Crazy" I'll have to find it, I can't recall where I read it, but I remember reading that so many 2nd marriages fail, because people do not take the time to learn from the past. Instead they immediately fall into the same trap as before, sometimes even more, because they never took the time to analyze the "real problems with themselves and the problems in how they choose a partner. Instead they jump at the first "quick fix" that comes along, and it ends badly.
Especially if you are a rescuer. How easily you will fall for someone who needs even more rescuing because they where divorced too. So now you are going to help yourself by helping them even more, and the same endless cycle begins only stronger and faster.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 7, 2018 7:10:51 GMT -5
“My conjecture is that "first marriages get 'stretched' to cover the time kids are still in the house, but second marriages -- more likely to NOT have young kids -- that 'pressure to stay' is removed."
A lot of people endure horrible marriages because they have young kids and they don’t want to raise the kids by themselves or pay child support. They also may want their kids to grow up in an intact home.
Second marriages are more likely not to have kids together. They are more likely to have kids who aren’t very young. They also may have kids who would prefer not to have a stepparent around or whom their spouse can’t get along with.
All increase the odds of divorce.
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Post by WindSister on Feb 7, 2018 13:20:21 GMT -5
On the kid front, if a child does not like a parent's partner, they can wreck all kinds of havoc for the couple. As it is, even if things are GOOD between everyone, things can get tense now and then.
In the end, though, it takes two emotionally stable, emotionally mature people to create a functional relationship whether it's first or second marriage or just living together (or whatever "terms" they agree to).
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Post by elkclan2 on Feb 9, 2018 4:35:57 GMT -5
I've been participating in other forums (well, lurking) on step-parenting topics. @dan you would not BELIEVE the crap that goes on there. The level of resentment and contempt that some people hold for their stepchildren. It's absolutely unbelievable. I've been shocked by the things people would say and do to their step kids - including young step kids. And they ascribe adult motivations and manipulations to very young children. (Not saying kids can't be manipulative. They can. I have a bio kid.) They also fail to forgive and overlook flaws in their stepchildren that they definitely seem to overlook in their own bio kids if they have them. There's also a lack of forgiveness factor on the part of step-children. No matter how nutso your parents are, unless they get to the super damaging level, you still sort of forgive enough to a degree to rub along, hey, they're your parents after all. All step-parents will screw up with their partner's children. ALL of them, just as all parents screw up with their bio kids. I am lucky in that my two almost-bonus kids (thanks WindSister for that terminology) bracket my son in age closely and funnily enough my son's personality is somewhere between the two different personalities of his kids. So all the annoying things they do I can compare to all the annoying things my son does and just chalk it up to a momentary annoyingness. On these forums a lot of people say "you can't force love" if it's not there it's not there and then excuse their unloving behaviour toward their stepchildren. WRONG. I had a really difficult labour and delivery with my son and I did not feel the instant bond and it wasnt there for a while. A couple of days in, I stopped panicking and decided that it didn't matter if I didn't love him, I would do everything as if I did. I would practice 'fake it til you make it'. I did it and it worked. When my partner's children came into my life, I did the same thing. Of course I didn't love them already. But I acted as if I did (without being smothering, had to hold back a little). And now I do love them. I planned to love them and I worked at it. I guess it worked out because my son said "Do you love me more than X and Y?". I told him I did, but that when they are around I will always try to act like I love them all the same. Which he seemed happy with. But it goes to show you have to deal with the resentments of children, too. My son was an only child who now has to share attention with two others. Of course, he now also gets attention from another adult when my partner's kids aren't here and they get on really well together, considering. They have a very tactile, affectionate relationship. Last night they roughhoused and then he asked my partner to read him a bedtime story. (We're reading from 50 maths concepts you need to know. Last night was perfect numbers. I do not recommend this book as bedtime reading. My kid is weird.) |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 9, 2018 7:01:06 GMT -5
elkclan2...I have lurked those sites as well. Yup, crazy!!!!!! Reading all the garbage on them is what brought me to be thankful for my situation and drop most issues I had in my head when it comes to his ex and adult daughters. I learned it feels better to extend forgiveness and grace even when it is hard to do, snd trust me, there ARE moments when it IS hard to do!!! Not just because of my thoughts or possible insecurities, either, but because of actual actions from the ex and/or daughters (adults). But my ultimate goal is a great relationship with my husband. Part of thst is a good relationship with his daughters and part of that is a workable deal with their mom. I am glad I wasn't around for the co-parenting stuff. By the time I came along, that was done except paying for weddings and such (my income helped that, too, because my husband and I are very "what's yours is ours...to include debts..it works for us). His daughters never insisted on acting as if mom and dad were still a unit, either, so that has been nice. I was always respected as Dad's partner and not intentionally left out. Got a flower at the wedding, etc. Mom and dad treated like two separate families. I expected them to do a picture with both mom and dad, but they didn't even do that. So I know I am lucky, it's just every so often something comes up that pings at the heart, but less and less as time passes and relationships get stronger. But, yeah, Don't go to step parent forums for advice.... that's why I still hang out here, no place like it on the web!
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