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Post by neonspace on Jan 16, 2018 15:02:43 GMT -5
I told my wife this morning that I want a divorce. There were only three pictures thrown at the wall.
She tried to convince me all the ways my life would be worse if we got a divorce. Financially, quality time with the kids, being alone etc. I did a good job keeping the high ground and trying not to do or say anything to make an unpleasant conversation worse. I so wanted to say, yes all those are going to get worse, but what does that tell you about where me head is, if that seems like a good deal to me. But I didn't.
She was still able to make me feel like I could do more or I didn't try enough. But no matter how hard she is trying or willing to try, my feelings are my feelings right now and I'm not there nor do I know if I ever will be. I'm glad I was honest with her about it.
She said I have to do all the work if I want a divorce. I'm OK with that.
It sucked, but I do feel somewhat relieved, in that shitty feeling kind of way. Kind of like after you know you just failed a test, but you're just glad it is over.
I'm still processing all this, don't what else to say.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 16, 2018 15:15:08 GMT -5
I hope that you consulted with a lawyer and got a plan in place first. Asking for a divorce is s big step, not something minor.
And if she threw things, you need to do what’s necessary to move the divorce along ASAP. It’s going to be nasty. and asking for a divorce is different than saying you are divorcing her. You don’t need her permission to divorce. Asking leaves the ball in her court and makes it very likely that not only will no divorce happen, your marriage is likely to get even worse. Also, it’s likely your wife will now drag other people into the discussion to convince you that you are in the wrong.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 16, 2018 16:19:59 GMT -5
@neonspace I remember walking out of the attorney's office waiting for the tears to come, but nothing happened. I went grocery shopping. northstarmom is right. I'm not in a space to give advice, but the only reason to say that is if you want her to step up, go to counseling, etc. Otherwise, if you're done, you file and have the papers served.
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Post by baza on Jan 16, 2018 17:33:18 GMT -5
It appears you got your legal advice etc organised in October 2017 Brother neonspace and presumably are well prepped for this next phase of the process. Don't underestimate the pressure you are going to come under during this part of the process. It will be immense.
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Post by neonspace on Jan 16, 2018 18:11:46 GMT -5
I got legal advice back in October and checked in last week to make sure I was prepared. As prepared as I could be.
Yes, I'm already feeling some of the pressure. Mostly from myself and second guessing.
I made an appointment to see the lawyer together next week since she seems open to the idea of mediated divorce, at least for now.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 16, 2018 19:38:23 GMT -5
Is your wife going to hire an attorney? I would suggest you ask your own attorney to refer someone who is good at mediation.Start moving your money to a different bank, and close all joint accounts.
Start communicating only on line and text. Start answering questions with " I can't answer that I need to speak to my attorney". She will get the message that she has less and less control.
It's a sad/happy time, isn't it?
Congratulations on your new journey to a more fulfilling self! You deserve it!
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 17, 2018 11:45:14 GMT -5
Congratulations @neonspace ! This is definitely not a "small first step".
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 17, 2018 22:53:36 GMT -5
Strength to you on the next steps, man. Sorry to hear that “only” 3 things thrown against the wall counts as “it went well” - that says a lot about the wisdom of divorcing, if you ask me. Stay sane through the process.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 18, 2018 21:13:54 GMT -5
Is your wife going to hire an attorney? I would suggest you ask your own attorney to refer someone who is good at mediation.Start moving your money to a different bank, and close all joint accounts. Start communicating only on line and text. Start answering questions with " I can't answer that I need to speak to my attorney". She will get the message that she has less and less control. It's a sad/happy time, isn't it? Congratulations on your new journey to a more fulfilling self! You deserve it! I did this and it worked well. Basically after it appeared I didn't need the "shark" I asked her attorney for one who she had worked constructively with in the past on a collaborative divorce. Really good call.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 18, 2018 21:19:43 GMT -5
Is your wife going to hire an attorney? I would suggest you ask your own attorney to refer someone who is good at mediation.Start moving your money to a different bank, and close all joint accounts. Start communicating only on line and text. Start answering questions with " I can't answer that I need to speak to my attorney". She will get the message that she has less and less control. It's a sad/happy time, isn't it? Congratulations on your new journey to a more fulfilling self! You deserve it! I did this and it worked well. Basically after it appeared I didn't need the "shark" I asked her attorney for one who she had worked constructively with in the past on a collaborative divorce. Really good call. I've heard a nasty story ,or two about one attorney representing both parties. Not a good idea. You may want to scratch the idea of "moving your money to a different bank". Sadly I'm learning you can store it away and , Just say " I don't know" and get away with it.
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Post by neonspace on Jan 23, 2018 8:06:40 GMT -5
It appears you got your legal advice etc organised in October 2017 Brother neonspace and presumably are well prepped for this next phase of the process. Don't underestimate the pressure you are going to come under during this part of the process. It will be immense. I'm feeling that pressure and you are right that pressure is overwhelming. She was sad for awhile, then angry. But the one that has me really confused is that she started being nice, making meals, sending texts, admitting fault, agreeing to counseling. I told her you can't treat someone that way and just be nice for a couple of days and expect everything to be OK. I think that has put her back to angry. She said I need to admit my fault in all this too, which I have. Followed up by asking why I get to say we're done when she has had a list of faults of mine for awhile now and hasn't ever asked for a divorce. Headed to counseling tonight and back to divorce mediation next week. This sucks.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 23, 2018 8:28:28 GMT -5
@neonspace Hope it’s a good counselor. Most are woefully inept and cause more harm than good, especially in joint marriage counseling.
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Post by neonspace on Feb 12, 2018 15:14:26 GMT -5
I moved out on Friday and we told the kids. Telling the kids was the most awful experience. After a day though they seeed to be handling it as well as expected.
I got a P.O. BOX today. It felt liberating.
Most of my anxiety is around the kids, permanent housing, finances, and having to go to a laundromat to do laundry. My plan is falling into place and I’m sure those things will fall into place as I continue this new chapter.
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 12, 2018 16:57:41 GMT -5
neonspace, how does your jurisdiction handle abandonment? Are there ramifications, depending on whether you move out before vs. after filing for divorce or legal separation?
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Post by neonspace on Feb 13, 2018 16:16:26 GMT -5
I looked into that, I was very concerned about it. I’m following the advice that my lawyer gave me and have taken the necessary steps to make sure that isn’t an issue.
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