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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 15, 2018 15:53:05 GMT -5
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Post by WindSister on Jan 16, 2018 11:40:39 GMT -5
I would agree with that list. I found the paying sites provided the most stable and non-BS'y communication. I could meet a lot of men on Plenty of Fish or OkCupid, but it was fluffy, no substance.
I am watching my husband's sister navigate dating after the end of her 30 year marriage - man, it's amazing how many games 60-somethings still play. She's been dating someone for a couple months and found out he was still on Zoosk (never even heard of that one, sounds fluffy to me). So she went back on. All I could say is, if someone is into you, they are into you and don't keep looking. If they keep looking, let it go or take it for what it is (a non-committed friendship type thing).
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Post by Dan on Jan 16, 2018 16:12:39 GMT -5
I am watching my husband's sister navigate dating after the end of her 30 year marriage - man, it's amazing how many games 60-somethings still play. She's been dating someone for a couple months and found out he was still on Zoosk (never even heard of that one, sounds fluffy to me). I'm not trying to justify his behavior, but I would like to ask a point-blank question: did your SIL and her new BF ever directly have a conversation about being exclusive, and did the expressly agree that was the plan? Please: ask her. I'm honestly interested to know. I'm getting at several different things here. First, I'm not sure what the dividing line is between "I've met you" / "I'm getting to know you" / "I want to see you more" / "I like you a lot" / "Let's consider ourselves BF and GF". It seems to be a continuum. Without the couple having an EXPRESS declaration of "I'm seeing you exclusively", there is the risk that they have different expectations, no? I don't even think "we've had sex" is an ironclad statement that "we're exclusive". I mean, some folks out there will certainly think that way. But not all. So if "exclusivity" is a precondition for having sex with someone, why not put it on the table... actually discuss it? If someone -- male or female -- was reluctant to do that, I'd ask: "Are you saying you are willing to get NAKED with someone and comingle your bodily fluids, but not ready to ask a simple question about your mutual expectations for sexual exclusivity?" Now if there WAS a promise -- actually verbal discussion -- of exclusivity, then I think continuing to tend a dating profile is against that promise. But EARLY on in the dating cycle, I guess I would find it unfair for someone to reasonably expect me to halt all communication with anyone I've already started chatting with. I mean, she is free to state that is her preference; and I'm free to agree or not agree; there is nothing unfair about THAT. But if we meet once, and then she notices I'm still active on the site, and dumps me for "being a player" or "not being serious"... then that WOULD seem unfair to me. I mean, we could be a really good match, and just had a misunderstanding of expectations based on an ASSUMPTION. (I hate misunderstandings.) Is the modern dating scene "once we've met face to face, assume we are exclusive until we officially break up"? I dunno. Maybe it is. If it is... I kind of wish it wasn't. I mean, I figure it might take a few dates for someone to decide if they want to get serious with me. Seems like I shouldn't get too serious about them while they are thinking of it. If I unilaterally decide "I'm ONLY going to try to see HER now"... doesn't that put MORE pressure on a new friendship? I'm sorry if I'm rambling. And I really don't mean to be ranting. I'm not saying something is wrong with any party's expectations. I guess I'm trying to find out "where are the rocks in the river that I may soon be paddling." |
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Post by WindSister on Jan 17, 2018 9:06:53 GMT -5
Dan - Oh, you are spot on. I didn't really elaborate or finish the story and it wasn't fair of me to imply he is playing games. I did ask her if they had the conversation of exclusivity. You can't assume. She said they didn't. We reminded her that until they have that conversation, they are both free agents. You got it right, for sure. It's just hard to watch her - oh, the dramas. She falls in love and CHANGES/MORPHS with/for every man she meets. I know I had some crazy times, too, but I did stay true to ME as I dated and if a man didn't fit in my life, we just ended it. It always hurts when a hope of something dies, even if it's a short-lived or new hope. But, you keep going. I know I can't say everyone will meet someone that fits in their life, I wish I could - it seems like everyone COULD - but some don't. But, settling has to be worse than trying to fit a square peg in a triangle or something like that. Seeing my SIL all the sudden "into God" and going to church twice a week and taking on swing dancing is weird. Last year with a different guy she was suddenly into nature when she told me point blank to my face when I first met her, "I hate nature -- bugs, heat, ick!" lol Then she was asking me about hiking boots and tents? That guy is gone, so she hates nature again, into church. She spent $500 last weekend on "scriptually themed pictures" for her house to make it more inspiring. It's hard to watch, but it's her journey. I want to shake her and ask, WHO ARE YOU??? Who are YOU??? Do you know? That's important. Relationships are hard enough to keep true to yourself but if you have no clue who you even are, it's hopeless. Sorry for my rant.. not saying I have it all figured out, I know my road to here has been hard to watch for some, too. But, again - I had an inkling who *I* am. That really is important.
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Post by Dan on Jan 17, 2018 9:23:45 GMT -5
WindSister : likewise, your post is on the spot! Like all character traits, good ones like "be flexible" can be overdone or underdone. That your SIL is trying on all these new hats is a little suspicious, and you are being a caring friend to gently point these things out. Perhaps the main thing about being flexible in a relationship is not the degree to which we flex (out of a prior comfort zone), but rather: are the partners flexing a similar amount, and are they both aware of and appreciative of how much the other is flexing. Maybe you can ask her for the next beau: "You know, you never liked NASCAR before you met him. In what ways has he taken on interests of yours that he didn't have before?" Maybe that is a way to get her to consider if she has found someone compatible.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 17, 2018 9:30:19 GMT -5
WindSister : likewise, your post is on the spot! Like all character traits, good ones like "be flexible" can be overdone or underdone. That your SIL is trying on all these new hats is a little suspicious, and you are being a caring friend to gently point these things out. Perhaps the main thing about be flexible in a relationship is not the degree to which we flex (out of a prior comfort zone), but rather: are the partners flexing a similar amount, and are they both aware of and appreciative of how much the other is flexing. Maybe you can ask her for the next beau: "You know, you never liked NASCAR before you met him. In what ways has he taken on interests of your that he didn't have before?" Maybe that is a way to get her to consider if she has found someone compatible. Well said Dan@ back to ,giving and receiving. She is giving a lot by getting involved in there activities, but what is she receiving? How involved are they in filling her needs, wants ,desires? And more important, is she asking for it, and letting it be known what she wants and needs. Communication= trust. |
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Post by WindSister on Jan 17, 2018 9:42:41 GMT -5
Wow, thanks, guys - I actually needed that perspective. I was feeling too frustrated with/for her to see clearly. Thank you! She does need to ask that question, what are they doing? Where are they meeting HER? I just fear she doesn't know herself anymore, but she will figure it out. She calls us a lot to talk through things, I will remember that one next time she calls. .
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 17, 2018 10:03:36 GMT -5
Sadly, some of us have not had our needs met for decades. We where to busy giving, and left hoping for some "recieving". Pride and inexperience of being a taker gets in the way. many of us need to start learning to set boundaries and then (even harder) enforce them. To thine own self be true.
On a side note: while I am on here talking with the "three of us" -and anyone else who reads this- I recall two meetings I have had with people from this sight, or similar meetings with other people. I want to sit side by side with them, not across the table. I've had enough barriers for decades, a table feels like a barrier. That's me that's my need, touch and feeling desired.
I've had hours of great "therapeutic" conversations with these people, all very helpful. Yet more than a year later, I still remember the "touch". I intentionally sat right beside them and put my knee up against their's and left it there the whole time. To me that was also my way of giving and showing support, while receiving back the whole time. Knowing that person accepted it and did not pull away.
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Post by WindSister on Jan 17, 2018 10:12:40 GMT -5
Sadly, some of us have not had our needs met for decades. We where to busy giving, and left hoping for some "recieving". Pride and inexperience of being a taker gets in the way. many of us need to start learning to set boundaries and then (even harder) enforce them. To thine own self be true. On a side note: while I am on here talking with the "three of us" -and anyone else who reads this- I recall two meetings I have had with people from this sight, or similar meetings with other people. I want to sit side by side with them, not across the table. I've had enough barriers for decades, a table feels like a barrier. That's me that's my need, touch and feeling desired. I've had hours of great "therapeutic" conversations with these people, all very helpful. Yet more than a year later, I still remember the "touch". I intentionally sat right beside them and put my knee up against their's and left it there the whole time. To me that was also my way of giving and showing support, while receiving back the whole time. Knowing that person accepted it and did not pull away. Powerful stuff and I remember that as well, coming out of my 10 year touchless/affectionless/sexless marriage. I remember well when a random man smiled at me at the coffee shop (AT ME?? I turned around to look, no one behind me, it was at ME). That wasn't even touch, but it was connection of sorts. I will also never in a million years forget getting a kiss on my wrist after the first time I was with a man (I talk about that a lot here because it was a huge moment for me). Now, my husband and I are touching every day, sit side by side when we do watch tv or a movie. And at the annual birthday gathering with his ex and everyone else, he was often rubbing my back or my knee. It never gets old and it makes me feel close to him every time. Even, last night, as we watched the news, he held my hand and rubbed it with his thumb. I noted it in my mind, "this is nice, I am grateful." I will never let myself forget the importance of touch in our relationship. You will get there because you know what you want. It's out there! |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 17, 2018 10:36:40 GMT -5
“I did ask her if they had the conversation of exclusivity. You can't assume. She said they didn't. We reminded her that until they have that conversation, they are both free agents. You got it right, for sure. It's just hard to watch her - oh, the dramas. “
Yes this is very important. It’s inportant to know what one wants and to pick partners who match what one wants. When it comes to things like monogamy, one should discuss one’s desires and requirements with prospective partners, not assume they are on the same page.
Given the fatal stds one can get, I will not have sex with s man unless he shows me the results of a recent std test. Before we had sex, my now partner of almost 5 years. He actually was insulted and took 2 weeks to make up jos mind and get the test. Still, I insisted on his using condoms until we’d been seeing each other exclusively for 3 months. I also had said before we slept together that if we had more than s one night stand I’d do it only if both of us were sexually exclusive.
I also said I was willing to have an ongoing monogamous fwb. If it progressed to a deeper relationship, that would be ok, but I had no interest in ever marrying again.
Some friends whom I told this to earned me I’d drive him away by being so clear about my needs. But I responded that if what I wanted turned him off, he wasn’t the man for me.
I devoted 36 years of my life giving my ex the life he wanted. It was my turn to define my needs and be with a man who fit into them.
There are things in relationships I can be flexible about. But I now know and honor the things that I need in romantic relationships. If those needs aren’t being met, I know I’ll be happier single than pretzeling myself to fit into a relationship that isn’t right for me.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 19:08:23 GMT -5
I tried OKStupid (OKCupid) and OutOfTime (OurTime.) On both those sites, I met several men. On each of those sites, I met one man who wanted to be more serious than I wanted to be. On neither of those sites did I meet anybody who could arouse my interest (or anything else, ha ha.)
I recently had what I guess was a brief fling with a guy I met in a writing workshop. We both got scared, so it fizzled out. But I’m trying to look at the positive things about it:
1 - It was spontaneous, not forced by the online dating system.
2 - It’s proof that even at age 54, I can still make a man horny, give him a brief infatuation with me.
3 - I received proof that men about my age CAN have sex if they want to - so it is not necessarily true that older men can’t perform.
I had decided to take about a year after losing my mom, and NOT deliberately try to meet men - so this last guy was a total surprise. I’m thinking at the end of the year, after I’ve had time to get myself somewhat back to normal, then I’ll start deliberately trying to do something with my love life again. Right now, I just don’t have the emotional energy to do all the work of dating.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 20, 2018 14:07:57 GMT -5
Boy, things sure have changed a lot since I last tried to date. There's a lot to be said for using databases to find partners instead of bars, but the rules are gonna take some getting used to if I get back out there. It's enough to make you want to live without sex or just outsource, though I hope I end up being more courageous than that, but still....facepalm.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 20, 2018 14:24:20 GMT -5
I am seriously leaning toward escorts, rather than even trying to navigate the modern rules of dating. I don’t think i have another relationship in me anyway.
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 2, 2018 19:31:06 GMT -5
Anyone try The League? I've read some about it, but being married, I am not going down that path unless the counseling doesn't work and I end up single at some point.
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Post by M2G on Feb 3, 2018 11:52:57 GMT -5
I blew off escorts; thought about it - don't need to be told for a couple hundred dollars how hot I am by someone who's being paid. Then there's the worry of a law enforcement stinger - so no way.
Tried a lot of sites and currently using AFF. Lots of fakes there but also a lot of real, sincere people.
For the first few days I did fall into the trap of "morphing to match" but when that (rapidly) became tiresome I just put it out there (what I'm after) and stuck to people with similar intent. Much less on the number of flirts I get, but they tend to be more on-target.
Takes a lot of patience, but I have to remember that for every flirt or message, the poor woman could be fielding hundreds of others. I will stick to sincerity though - I think that's best.
I DO like guys that lead with a picture of their *equipment* because they usually get ignored; which leaves the playing field more open to me, and others like me.
Also: Yes - if you want an exclusive relationship you need to have that conversation. Assuming: well, you know the old meaning of that.
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