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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 13:34:01 GMT -5
^^ Well, well. I'm glad my tale of woe has at least ignited some flames of desire, if only on the internet. [Everyone just ignore me crying over here.....LOL]
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 14, 2018 14:00:17 GMT -5
^^ Well, well. I'm glad my tale of woe has at least ignited some flames of desire, if only on the internet. [Everyone just ignore me crying over here.....LOL] I hope those are tears of hope, surfergirl. My crystal ball fell off the table a long time ago, so my ability to see into the future is a bit cloudy, but you are going to make it through all of this, and you will come across someone you mesh with.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 14:02:38 GMT -5
LOL ironhamster -- those are tears of hopelessness and laughing at myself If we were drinking, I would "cheers" you right now.
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Post by brian on Jan 14, 2018 16:16:29 GMT -5
One way you can approach the topic with adult children is to discuss the importance of having a love life, that it’s something that both people in a marriage have to work on and agree upon, and that, despite your father and I trying to find a workable compromise for both of us, we haven’t been able to find a place where we can be a happy couple.
Just a suggestion... my opinion, offered for free. Just remember, it comes without guarantee, and you get what you pay for.
🍻
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Post by shamwow on Jan 14, 2018 20:24:26 GMT -5
I say this waxing philosophically from the Watergate hotel in Washington DC. Last night I met ballofconfusion 's two older boys. It went off great. We all got along and spent the majority of the time laughing. Wait. What? So you and someone else on this forum are having a steamy affair? Do tell. Not an affair. We have both left our refusers. We met in person in July 2017. We fly to see one another every 2 weeks. She lives in San Diego and I live in Houston. We are the love of each other's lives and best friends. And yes, we met here on the forum. And right now we are naked in bed in Washington DC. If you want to read more look at my thread T-minus in the post SM section.
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 14, 2018 20:26:35 GMT -5
UPDATE: Well, tonight was The Talk. He was given a deadline back in August to get his shit together before February, and this is what he came up with: 1. Viagra refill 2. Rejoined weight watchers again last week 3. Exercised for one week 4. Restarted therapy with a new therapist last week 5. Asked for a getaway this upcoming week Thanks to this forum, I am savvy now about THE RESET and I refused. I restated my request for an open marriage again and he refused. We have an appointment to divide assets on Tuesday. Here's my question. Since I'm going to get the blame from the kids because he claims he ADORES me and want to work it out, what if I try a FOURTH option? We already have separate bedrooms and a full travel schedule, so no change there. What if I just tell him I am getting a boyfriend to fuck and that's that? In our state, adultery doesn't hurt my financial options. I told him I was GOING to, and he didn't believe me, and then I ended up with the secret affair/non-affair partner who dumped me for a 23-year-old......BUT......what if I just POINT BLANK tell him on Thursday that I'm going on a date. And have a good night. I don't think he can blab and tell on me because I have the TRUMP card: he shut me down for 21 years. He abandoned me emotionally (no happy birthdays), physically (traveled up to three weeks a month), and sexually and I sat there crying and begging for 20 years. [Again, he 100% agrees with this narrative. Where he differs is that he believes he is making up for it by going to the doctor to get viagra.] Thoughts? Feedback? Blindspots? The advise you have gotten here is tremendous, as always. There is one thing I keep seeing here and on other forums that perpetuates a misunderstanding about Viagra. Viagra does not induce desire. It does not increase libido. It does not make a man want to fuck you. All it does is strengthen the erection of the man who wants and desires to fuck you. It works on the vascular components of the penis. It does not affect the man's largest sex organ, the one between his ears. If your H does not desire you then a ton of Viagra will do nothing for him beyond a massive headache.
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Post by baza on Jan 14, 2018 20:29:26 GMT -5
The way this thread has develops now suggests that the end of your ILIASM shithole is no-where near as close as it appeared earlier on Sister surfergirl . Mebbe time to backtrack a bit. The 4 pre-requisites for an orderly exit are - #1 - legal advice in your jurisdiction so you know how a divorce will shake out for you. #2 - an exit strategy - within the legal constraints - in do-able shape - for your life post ILIASM shithole. #3 - your support network being in place and available to help you through this most difficult part of the process. #4 - as much info as you can get on the subject of helping kids transition through the process. And it is smart to have these things in place and all your ducks in a row BEFORE you play the divorce card. Now you mention having filed for divorce before so presumably you have #1 above. But it does not seem that you had - or have - #2 or #3 or #4. It looks like this has played out with you playing the big card, the divorce card, as a bluff. A pretty credible bluff given you were waving divorce papers under his nose, but a bluff none the less. There was and is no back up plan to carry the threat through. That's the way it looks anyway. If that's wrong then ignore the rest of this post. If the above is somewhere near the case, then you've got 2 options. (a) - make a tactical withdrawal, and gather your resources for another attempt once you have all your ducks in a row (your cred is going to tank under this option which is not going to be helpful for your next attempt) (b) - sieze the moment now and go full bore at pushing this through to final resolution now despite the gaps in your strategy. "Crash through or crash" in other words. Hell of a choice ahead of you. As ever in this group, lessons can be learned vicariously. What newbies or others reading this might take away from it is the inadvisability of threatening things you are not actually prepared to do. The resolution of ILIASM shitholes has no place for brinkmanship or bluff or bullshit. It is a deadly serious business. If you are not in a headspace where you are prepared to put the marriage on the line, don't bullshit yourself (or anyone else) that you are.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 20:32:41 GMT -5
jim44444LOL on the viagra/sildenafil. In real life, I own a pharmacy. But it's all good. I didn't say that in my post. Now...tonight....the Husband SWEARS up and down that he wants and needs me and wants to make up for all the lost years....it's a mind-fuck. So GOOD NEWS! At least I'm getting fucked someway!
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 20:41:04 GMT -5
baza I've done (1)legal counsel and (2)notarized asset division. I pulled out at the last second because he did THE RESET on me. And I fell for it. I also have (3) in place-- a regular therapist and best friend. I bombed on #4. The school counselor got called in when my kid was crying because he thought we already divorced (when we just told them that it was in process). I wouldn't say that I was bluffing. I really think it would've happened if he hadn't cried and begged and made a good case. I just fell for it. That's all. I used the Divorce Card before I was really done....can you blame a dying person in the dessert for getting suckered for a drink of water? I fell for it because of the extreme pain my kids were in. And that I was in. But point fully taken. I guess I can't take myself seriously either. If you heard him, I think all of you would even feel sorry for him. He makes a great case. He is literally begging to "be" with me (for sex). It's so messed up.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 14, 2018 21:08:01 GMT -5
It sounds like a powerful reset on his part. When it is "too little too late," your resolve will kick in.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 21:24:15 GMT -5
ironhamster I think my resolve might've kicked in if I didn't have a failed affair/non-affair. I would be confident that I could do better. I understand intellectually that this is a numbers game, and that I can find someone if I put in the work. But coming off getting dumped -- or worse, not dumped, just ignored -- by the non-affair partner, it is throwing me very hard. My best friend says that if I had met someone (who actually liked me), I'd be out lickety split 100%, but that I'm dragging my feet because I'm causing my children a huge amount of pain in order to be....alone. I think she is right. That's why I'm trying to stay and have an AP on the side. So I can jump from one safety net to another. My therapist and best friend chastise me for doing that, but I can't help it. I am just that weak.
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Post by baza on Jan 14, 2018 21:41:55 GMT -5
surfergirl . It would seem then, that a tactical withdrawal is in order. Retreat, consolidate your resources, and diligently prepare yourself to fight another day at a time and place of your choosing. This is option #1 - "stay" with a variant. The variant being "stay for the moment" It is wise to run the clock on this, to keep yourself accountable. "Staying" (and its' variants) is a perfectly legitimate choice, you do not have to justify it, but you do have to own it.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 14, 2018 22:35:28 GMT -5
baza Will you be my personal therapist? Seriously. My real life therapist is fired. You are so spot on.
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Post by JMX on Jan 15, 2018 1:04:20 GMT -5
Disclaimer: I threw the divorce card in an emotional state and did not follow through. It bought me another 1.5 years in misery (tick-tock) - still serving time of my own volition. I speak plainly so I will offer bullet points as they come to me after reading this entire thread: I agree with @elle - don’t ask for divorce again, tell. I get the feeling even though you SEEM done, you’re not done - example, crying reading this thread. Caveat - meeting people on the internet that can relate can do that to you - just make sure you are not emotionally invested in the relationship anymore and that your emotions are from being understood by us jolly lot of strangers. Your therapist sounds shitty. Your AP is a booty call. Why wouldn’t he be? He is a divorcee’ who has escaped whatever gilded cage he created with his ex-wife. Of course he will keep fucking the 23 year old - AS WELL AS you once a month. He is a normal, free dude. I have had a normal dude before - if sex is hot - he likes it a lot, and once a month (only) with the married lady is not enough. I totally understand the children part! It’s so tough to figure out what is best. I did the same - told the kids, had a separate bedroom. Trust me when I say, that is so much harder to stuff back into the bag and then reopen at a later time. So much harder. I did not think I was on board with telling almost-adult children about the cause of the demise of the marriage. I would have said 30 minutes ago - NEVER. northstarmom has made me rethink my position. There is a fine line between careful understanding and “ew”. Very fine line. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you find yourself flip-flopping here. It happens to a large portion of us. Stay, go, stay and cheat, go. There is a paltry small percentage here that gets here, decides, leaves and lives their lives in opposite land. You will be fine. You have money and resources - so many don’t have that. You have found your tribe! Welcome!
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Post by baza on Jan 15, 2018 3:15:50 GMT -5
Yep. As Sister JMX notes. Letting that divorce cat out of the bag for the kids prematurely was a big tactical blunder. But it is done and there is no unringing that bell. How to manage it Sister surfergirl ? Well you could try and carry on as if it never happened, but I doubt that would fly with the kids. You could claim that it was never a serious issue - but there you are going to look like a complete hypocrite when you get up to the line again (if you ever do) and that won't help your cred at all. Maybe, you could (in age appropriate terms) and together with your spouse tell the kids - "we are having adult issues. We will not be discussing these with you. But no matter what happens our love for you and our support remains rock solid. That will be so even if we split" Or words to that effect. That gives everyone some wriggle room. Hopefully the membership can brainstorm some decent suggestions (the above is just what immediately came into my head).
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