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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 30, 2018 12:43:11 GMT -5
greatcoastal Thanks for that link. The thing that got us into therapy is because I caught on to the blame-shifting, never ever being wrong at any cost, and came across the term "narcissist". I forced him into therapy with a real threat (go or get out). I chose a well-respected therapist. After several sessions, he said that my husband was NOT a clinical narcissist, and that if he was, it was not fixable. However, he was the worst dismissive avoidant the therapist has ever seen in 30 years of practice. I don't know if that helps. There are certainly many unhealthy traits -- a commitment to NEVER being wrong at any cost -- that lead to a non-marriage. Yet, he's changing SLOWLY and sometimes it's like pulling teeth. However, the changes are real. I've never ever experienced him listening to feedback, and now he does. Is it re-love bombing? Only time will tell. One thing i left out of my story is that my husband did NOT lawyer up when I filed. I believe he truly loves me. Whether he has the skills to be in a relationship of give-and-take remains to be seen, but he appears to be working very hard-- staying in therapy and making changes, albeit frustrating for me as I wait. But the changes ARE there. When he regresses though, it sends me into a tailspun of, "Here we go again!" Tomatoe, tomato same thing. Clinical narcissist- dismissive avoidant, Ford v's Chevy. Pretty much the same thing, don't you agree? Never being wrong at any cost. One big difference is that I have been able to find a lot of valuable, helpful, useful information about narcissist (a shrink4men) compared to dismissive avoidant. Which gets to the crux of the matter. YOU receiving the support and proper information to heal/help your self. (she does offer her services on line you know. For woman too. Dr Tara went through the same thing) He's changing SLOWLY: Just enough to continue the bait and switch. The re-set, again, and again. Do you think if he had lawyered up that would have pushed you over the edge? (I do) That would certainly help in removing the mask, wouldn't it? You have to hand it to our controlling spouses, they really know how to string us along for their benefit. Others on here warned me (greatcoastal your W. is stringing you along until the last one is 18 yrs. old. Then she will discard you like a dirty diaper. She is keeping you ONLY because you are still of some value to her. Social status, avoiding child support, alimony, child care etc.... all revolving around money and her fear of abandonment. Does your Husband sound the same? One of our guest speakers at my Divorce Recovery classes was a Christian Psychologist/Author he spoke to our first level class about forgiveness. One of the ladies asked him a very good question. " Can a narcissist recover, can they fully change?" He hesitated , took a breath and said " The answer to that is....... NO!" He then went on to say, " lets take the MOST objective outlook possible. Your spouse is 95% narcissist. The BEST you might achieve is a 25% change. (maybe!) That still leaves you with a 70% narcissist. With no guarantee on how long it will last". Well, that pretty much answered it for all of us in the room. Me included. I left thinking "I'm done with that. I'm certainly not going down that path again. To thine own self be true."
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Post by Dan on Jan 30, 2018 13:04:53 GMT -5
I pointed out that I was not "divorcing my husband", but rather, "just saying out loud what already occurred in the marriage when he chose to neglect and abandon me starting on the wedding night....Did anyone here have a problem with truth-telling? I'm not divorcing him, I'm just not lying anymore." So far, nobody has had a comeback to that. I'm very glad that I'm neither your pastor nor your Christian-leaning therapist!
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 30, 2018 13:07:58 GMT -5
LOL...me too, Dan, me too.... greatcoastal -- Give me some time. I am not sure I'm ready to slice his throat just yet. I'm thinking about this.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 30, 2018 13:23:22 GMT -5
LOL...me too, Dan , me too.... greatcoastal -- Give me some time. I am not sure I'm ready to slice his throat just yet. I'm thinking about this. LOL, you do that friend!! Take some time... a season. While helping yourself.
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Post by baza on Jan 30, 2018 17:34:27 GMT -5
At the moment then - after the recent dramas - the other bloke seems to have dropped out of the picture, and as regards the marriage your choice is to stay Sister surfergirl . Perfectly legitimate choice.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 19:30:01 GMT -5
surfergirl, a good, ethical therapist will always leave her clients with a backup therapist and/or psych if she is on vacation for more than a week or 2. If yours didn’t, I’d recommend finding a new therapist. If she did, please call the backup. You need help. I understand the conflicting emotions. Everyone here has them (self included!); it’s the rash actions I’m concerned about (a few days ago you mentioned you’d walked and were in a dumpy hotel in Atlanta). I see a crisis in the making here. Please take care of yourself so that you can care for your family. We want you settled and safe, wherever that may be!
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 30, 2018 20:39:32 GMT -5
I feel like Wonder Woman with her golden bracelets deflecting, deflecting, deflecting the bullets. I actually considered getting a Wonder Woman costume for Halloween this past year and then I remembered myself.
My Chamber of Commerce ribbon cutting event is tomorrow at noon, but I'm still sipping margaritas on the beach. At some point in the past few days, I decided, "Well, that's what I have employees for." I already did the Grand Opening where I made speeches, did radio spots and interviews, made people laugh, and spent way too much money on catering. (My affair/non-affair partner even came to this event, which gave me a pathetic margin of hope at the time, but I realize now that I've been officially dumped. I thought maybe he would see that I was beautiful and important, but now I see that will not happen.) This ribbon cutting is just more promo for the newspaper, which I will write a press release for. I'll write it this week, though....at the beach. Not back where it is snowing.
I spent 19 years as a stay-at-home mom (running these side schemes), and 14 years of those were homeschooling kids who turned up in the 99%. I also milked a cow every morning and butchered chickens for a few years. This is part of my intro story that I left out, but if I included it, it would have been much more entertaining.
Perhaps I'm having a mid-life crisis a little early at 41. Maybe people like me have mid-life early because when we run like this, we don't last very long here on earth.
Points all taken and appreciated about my marriage and station and drinking before noon (which lasted a week and I quit for now).
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Post by obobfla on Jan 30, 2018 22:31:30 GMT -5
Well, for a mid-life crisis, we men either get a new car, a mistress, or both.
And if you did get the Wonder Woman costume, I think you would have a lot of offers to go to Halloween parties from quite a few people here.
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