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Post by northstarmom on Jan 13, 2018 8:05:52 GMT -5
Think hard about why you continue to stay in s marriage that had not ever and will not ever be a real marriage. Your husband is not capable of loving you the way you want and deserve. That it took him 3 days to get it up on your honeymoon is the evidence.
Having invested years into a sham of a marriage doesn’t mean you need to invest more. At the least, leaving him would allow you to be free and I find someone whom you could enjoy privately and in public. A lover that might lead to the kind of relationship you wanted with your husband.
One of my coworkers says that while attending a religious college so strict that in addition to a dress code requiring girls to wear dowdy length skirts, when wearing pants, girls had to wear long vests to cover their butts. She fell in love with a “very respectful” guy who never made a pass at her. They were both virgins when they married. Other than having just enough sex for her to get pregnant, he wouldn’t do it.
Fifteen years of that, she finally got the courage to divorce him. He came out then as gay, moved to New Orleans and opened a sex shop for gays.
About 3 years after the divorce, she went to an outdoor concert with friends and started talking to a man she met. He lay next to her on the blanket and started playing with her legs. She had never been so turned on in her life. The next day, he invited her over and she had sex. He was only her second lover. First time she ever had great sex.
They have been married now about 10 years. She is mid 50s, he is about 10 years older but looks mid 50s. They still have regular, enjoyable sex. Her adult kids get along with him so well that when one divorced, she and her daughter lived with my friend and her husband for a few years.
My coworker is a happy woman with a marriage that includes the kind of love she wants. She never would have had that with her first husband.
You can choose to stay with your husband in a marriage that never meets your needs. You can do that and maybe you will find another affair partner. If you find such an affair partner, maybe the affair won’t be discovered and blow up your reputation.
You have choices and those do include to continue walking the unhappy path you’ve been on.
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Post by h on Jan 13, 2018 8:08:30 GMT -5
h The husband fulfilling the quota with enthusiasm is not an option. I think women can fake it, but not men. And no, he won't agree to "don't ask, don't tell". He'd FREAK if he knew. baza I want autonomy. I just don't know how to do that with the choices in front of me. There is not a third option on the table for me to pick, assuming I was healthy and savvy enough to pick it. And even if I HUNT DOWN the third option, that's many more months of not getting laid. I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm 41 and in my prime. This is so miserable. How do I take back control with my two options (or is that the wrong question)? Let him freak! He needs to know how serious you are. Don't bring it up as if you're asking permission. State it as a fact you are informing him of. "If you do not meet my needs, then this is what WILL be happening as a result."
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 13, 2018 9:24:12 GMT -5
h The husband fulfilling the quota with enthusiasm is not an option. I think women can fake it, but not men. And no, he won't agree to "don't ask, don't tell". He'd FREAK if he knew. baza I want autonomy. I just don't know how to do that with the choices in front of me. There is not a third option on the table for me to pick, assuming I was healthy and savvy enough to pick it. And even if I HUNT DOWN the third option, that's many more months of not getting laid. I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm 41 and in my prime. This is so miserable. How do I take back control with my two options (or is that the wrong question)? Let him freak! He needs to know how serious you are. Don't bring it up as if you're asking permission. State it as a fact you are informing him of. "If you do not meet my needs, then this is what WILL be happening as a result." It might be best if he did not freak. I pushed for an open marriage, was caught on Tinder, and displayed all the characteristics of a man having an affair before finally admitting it. I was surprised at how much stress it added to our relationship. She has everything, a new vehicle, nice home, good food, more clothing than can fit in her walk-in closet, her own master bedroom, and even now someone else to fuck her useless husband. For some odd reason, that last one is not a positive for her. It makes living in the same home difficult, even though we have slept in different rooms for years. I cannot imagine what it would be like if we had to be business partners. As much as I like forcing a response or a consequence, he is never going to be able to give you what you need.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 13, 2018 9:34:01 GMT -5
-a more serious question in my mind is whether you could maintain an affair given your husband's views. What would happen if he found out which he likely would? Could he view it as grounds for divorce? And if he did, could the outcome in terms of custody of your children possibly be affected by the fact that you were having an affair? A good point, which I'll twist, surfergirl. You believe your kids would hate you now for filing divorce - imagine if they thought it all happened because you got caught cheating. They judge based on what they can see. And northstarmom makes a good point that's hard to swallow in personal life - ignoring the sunk cost and looking only at the future return. I'm not sure I could coldly evaluate my spouse as an "underperforming asset", but it's a good argument not to throw good years after bad.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 13, 2018 9:35:31 GMT -5
Okay, regarding the open marriage thing, h and ironhamster I've told him how it is: I'm stepping out since you're clearly not into this. So am I flaunting it? No. But I'll beat his ass if he acts all surprised. He has CHOSEN to ignore me and act like I'm not serious. He will be surprised and heartbroken when/if he finds out, but my sympathy meter is NIL. Is that "bad" on me? Like, maybe I should feel sorry for the hurt he will feel, but I don't because he doesn't give a fuck about the pain he has inflicted on me. So, I feel ZERO remorse (at the moment). After the non-affair/affair started (not sure what to call it as baza has correctly pointed out that this is not a proper affair), I kept waiting for the feelings of guilt. They never came.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 13, 2018 9:36:56 GMT -5
Since this is the internet, I feel like I should clarify that I weigh 107 pounds and he is 6'2 and 300 pounds. I will not be "beating his ass", except verbally.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 13, 2018 9:45:47 GMT -5
You will not feel guilt. You begged and pleaded and bargained, and got nothing real in response. In my opinion, you did everything right to try to save this mess. Giving up hope that it will ever be what you need is also the right move.
You are right that he does not care about your pain. This seems to be a common, perhaps universal trait. My wife sees herself as the victim in all of this. I am sure your husband will, too.
By the way, having an affair and feeling no remorse is one of the signs that the marriage is over.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 13, 2018 9:46:25 GMT -5
Truthfully, I probably won't be "beating his ass" verbally either. I'm not that cold. He will be devastated.
Sorry, I'm trying to be clear, but processing a lot of pent up PAIN. Underneath the anger is a lot of pain.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 13, 2018 9:50:18 GMT -5
Since this is the internet, I feel like I should clarify that I weigh 107 pounds and he is 6'2 and 300 pounds. I will not be "beating his ass", except verbally. My first Judo instructor was a small woman, and she'd drop any guy in her class. But, yes, I know. He has no right to act surprised. My bet is, he still will act surprised and hurt. Odd but common behavior for someone that is not putting out anyway.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 13, 2018 9:57:43 GMT -5
I understand that anger and pain.
I am fifty. I gave up my best sexual years getting gas-lighted and DARVO'd about why our sex life was nonexistent, until one day I woke up.
I think it is worse for a guy at fifty, and I do not have to go into those intricacies, but I am finally having the best sex of my life, just not as often as I would like. Fortunately, plane tickets are cheap, and we find ways to meet.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 13, 2018 9:58:35 GMT -5
Very good points northstarmom and DryCreek I'm thinking about this. My ENTIRE life I've made decisions based on delayed gratification and calculated risks. The fact that I'm throwing caution to the wind like this is evidence of (a) clinical insanity or (b) something else I'd like pointed out to me. I'd like to know from the forum what the proper term I'm being used for since I'm clearly not having an affair. Booty call? Can you guys give me feedback on why a smart, successful, can-do-better woman would settle for that?
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 13, 2018 10:04:17 GMT -5
Very good points northstarmom and DryCreek I'm thinking about this. My ENTIRE life I've made decisions based on delayed gratification and calculated risks. The fact that I'm throwing caution to the wind like this is evidence of (a) clinical insanity or (b) something else I'd like pointed out to me. I'd like to know from the forum what the proper term I'm being used for since I'm clearly not having an affair. Booty call? Can you guys give me feedback on why a smart, successful, can-do-better woman would settle for that? It is still a calculated risk. Like me, you have woken up and see your clock is running out. At twenty and thirty years old you can have delayed gratification because it will pay off in the long run. Now, we find ourselves in the long run and where is the payoff? What is the reward?
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 13, 2018 10:11:09 GMT -5
james I've already drawn up the legal docs and had a finalization date. I withdrew my petition because he begged and promised and I fell like a sucker for THE RESET. Should I ever be caught, he and my kids would view "the affair/non-affair" as The Thing That Caused The Divorce, and I would be the villain. Even though the affair/non-affair didn't start until after I filed for divorce and remained 100% loyal to one man my entire life. johnwyo1 He does therapy, but progress is VERY SLOW. Yes, the pornography played a role, but there's nothing I can do about that. I can't control him. I do not care anymore. I think he is 100% clean, but I can't fix the wiring in his brain. Kudos to my husband for staying in and doing the work. Question for me, I guess, is how many more years do I want to waste seeing if this is legit?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 13, 2018 10:26:27 GMT -5
james I've already drawn up the legal docs and had a finalization date. I withdrew my petition because he begged and promised and I fell like a sucker for THE RESET. Should I ever be caught, he and my kids would view "the affair/non-affair" as The Thing That Caused The Divorce, and I would be the villain. Even though the affair/non-affair didn't start until after I filed for divorce and remained 100% loyal to one man my entire life. johnwyo1 He does therapy, but progress is VERY SLOW. Yes, the pornography played a role, but there's nothing I can do about that. I can't control him. I do not care anymore. I think he is 100% clean, but I can't fix the wiring in his brain. Kudos to my husband for staying in and doing the work. Question for me, I guess, is how many more years do I want to waste seeing if this is legit? This is where I mentioned to you about the "smokescreen" of therapy. How easily you will be strung along, waiting, hoping. That is called "false hope". Staying and doing the work? Words all words. Where's the action? There is none, and he stays in his cozy safe environment. While your self respect continues to hit bottom. Consider it another nail in the coffin. The good part of all this gloom is that the FOG (Fear, Obligation,Guilt) is lifting for you! There is a new day ,a new year, to continue on a path of self restoration, by surrounding yourself with others who will build you up.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 13, 2018 10:31:46 GMT -5
My ENTIRE life I've made decisions based on delayed gratification and calculated risks. The fact that I'm throwing caution to the wind like this is evidence of (a) clinical insanity or (b) something else I'd like pointed out to me. I'd say it's evidence of desperation. You've reached a breaking point in your need for intimacy. You exercised your first two options (fidelity and abstinence) for two decades and finally crossed a threshold where the need outweighed the risks, even if it was emotionally fueled. Sounds like that's what it is. The group tends to sugar coat it as "outsourcing", regardless of the flavor.
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