Feeling not allowed to love

@smartkat, I understand what you mean.

I describe it as being kept at arms-length emotionally. Which comes along with a fear / unwillingness to be vulnerable. When enough displays of affection fall flat or meet with a backlash, one becomes conditioned to stay on "mute".

We could debate whether it's our spouses' inability to receive our love, or our own failure to express it a way that feels meaningful / safe to them. The bottom line is a mismatch - one needs to give what the other rejects. It's frustrating, like being gagged.

I think perhaps you have just held up a mirror and in the reflection was pretty much all of us. I could have loved my X forever. I tried to love her in every way I could and in a myriad of ways I didn't think of but read about. Most of us were for whatever reason, pushed out of or away from our spouses. Physical and emotional connections to us were severed leaving our desire to share ourselves with them dangling from a limb. In a lot of cases the connection for our SO never really existed. Other motives drove them. My X once answered me honestly when I asked about her feelings for me. She said: "I don't know why I can't love you". How was I to fix that?

Actually @smartkat, this post is where it should be. It hits home with me. I too wonder if I could have done any more for my marriage. While my feelings sometimes say yes, my head makes a list of what I did for her: saved her life three times, got her to a psychiatrist to shut out the voices she heard, and helped her become a good mother. I stayed with her until the end.

And Caris, I mourn the marriage that could have been. Unfortunately, her mental illness became the other man in our marriage. It was not her fault, but I could never had the marriage I wanted because of the illness. And I resent the hell out of it and shed more tears than normal because of it.

So with your husband’s depression, smartkat, it is nobody’s fault. If it helps, write down the reasons you left him. Write down what you could have done for him without his permission or participation. Sex and communication require both, so neither is your fault. I’m sure the first list will be longer than the second. Read them so you can put a stop to those stupid voices telling you that you didn’t do enough. You did, and you have been a supportive friend to him since the divorce.

I think most people would find you not guilty. Time to enforce that verdict.

Looking back way too much is bad. Looking back can be good. Like being on a swing set" You have to push backwards in order to swing forward."

In learning to deal with my "manipulative controlling" spouse I look back at so many of her responses. I also listen with a new knowledge about her controlling attitude when speaking to others.

Time and time again, the first word out of her mouth without a second of hesitation is.... "NO". Lots of DARVO. If pushed or confronted the immediate "whatever, or not my concern" follows. More DARVO. No account at all for your words or actions.

It fits their puzzle quite nicely but has no place in mine or the rest of the families puzzles. That's not a marriage.

I’ve been divorced from my ex and happily in a relationship for going on 5 years. Even though I’m with the love of my life and finally have the sexual and emotional intimacy I’d always wanted, i still think of my ex and wonder/grieve about what might have been. The end of a dream takes a long time to get over.

SK you are normal.

Meanwhile, how are things going with the guy you met at the writer’s conference?