|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 11, 2018 19:28:37 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on Jan 12, 2018 15:05:29 GMT -5
It seems pretty sensible stuff. I've decided to avoid all romantic entanglements for a length of time after separation. I've no idea what that time might be but does include forever.
After six months out my head is beginning to come back together.
|
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jan 14, 2018 17:23:51 GMT -5
Hmm, I have been debating this. I really am not in the best frame of mind for a serious relationship, but I could certainly use female companionship. Best thing I know what to do is to go out there but be as slow and honest as possible.
I thought about getting a shirt with a warning label. It would say, “Danger! Newly widowed man. Has the temperament somewhere between a honey badger, a mother bear, and a wounded Cape buffalo.”
So nothing serious. But I have gone for sex for so long, and now I can pursue my needs without any guilt or lying. I could use someone to hold. I am just going to be careful.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jan 19, 2018 9:15:35 GMT -5
I miss Lao Tzu and some of the others who would advocate for just simply living life. Life is messy. I think the only time we "suffer" is when we expect it to be anything but messy. When we need total control of everything and count things as "failures" instead of just experiences. I got entangled up like crazy post-divorce (and I see my SIL doing it as well and though I judged her momentarily, I am no one to judge so I will refrain from doing that in the future with her and just offer her support and friendship). But those experiences were all about living life and I do not regret any of it as I look back. I could have sat safe and sound in my room going to therapy until I was "all sorted out" (ha.. when exactly ARE we all sorted out??), but I chose to just keep living, meeting people, being vulnerable while I also "worked on myself." Did I get hurt a few times and did I hurt others a few times? Yes. It happened. I think I did "okay," though - and tried to be honest and authentic.
When something failed it did hurt like hell at the time. As I have said before anytime a hope dies it hurts, even if it was an unrealistic hope, or a short lived or new hope. When you think you have a great connection and it gets severed... OUCH. Pain. Sucks bad. I remember those moments well, a couple stick out more than others. But, I kept living, kept walking on.....
And now, looking back I can see more clearly why those relationships didn't work out and how I am happy they didn't because here I am in a really good place. Happy.
I am thankful for the experiences, though, I REALLY REALLY am. That's living life. I grew so much from those moments. SO MUCH!
I remember turning to a trusting member of EP when I was questioning moving forward with someone and I was told, "Well, it will either work or it won't - if it doesn't work, what have you lost? If it does, what do you gain?" What I lost when things didn't work was really nothing as I look back but I GAINED even in "losing." If anyone can comprehend that. Yes, the pain in the moment hurts, but the EXPERIENCE is priceless.
It's easy to say wait a year, two, whatever, but sometimes the greatest things in our lives just HAPPEN. Those experiences DO exist. So I don't think it's fair to even label relationships like that.. "rebound." I know some "rebounders" who are freaking happy years and years later. It didn't work like that for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work.
Sorry - soapbox.
All that to say, her points ARE valid, lol. BUT -- everything can't be summed up in lists, points, or articles. We can't "know" everything - how it will turn out.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2018 10:06:02 GMT -5
And now, looking back I can see more clearly why those relationships didn't work out and how I am happy they didn't because here I am in a really good place. Happy. I am thankful for the experiences, though, I REALLY REALLY am. That's living life. I grew so much from those moments. SO MUCH! 1) I remember turning to a trusting member of EP when I was questioning moving forward with someone and I was told, "Well, it will either work or it won't - if it doesn't work, what have you lost? If it does, what do you gain?" What I lost when things didn't work was really nothing as I look back but I GAINED even in "losing." If anyone can comprehend that. Yes, the pain in the moment hurts, but the EXPERIENCE is priceless. It's easy to say wait a year, two, whatever, but sometimes the greatest things in our lives just HAPPEN. Those experiences DO exist. So I don't think it's fair to even label relationships like that.. "rebound." I know some "rebounders" who are freaking happy years and years later. It didn't work like that for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work. 2) All that to say, her points ARE valid, lol. BUT -- everything can't be summed up in lists, points, or articles. We can't "know" everything - how it will turn out. 1) I like this philosophy and want to adopt it for my own approach. 2) Correct EVERYTHING can't be summed up in lists, points, or articles. However I find it helpful when someone else can structure my many emotions, thoughts , goals,fears, ideas, etc... and put them into better words. It's also helpful to read it and think, " I feel and think the same". It gives clarification, much of what I get on here especially from your posts, so THANK YOU for that!! My pastor uses 4 to 5 bullet points in his sermons. I take notes. It's helpful and useful. Here's to new beginnings, from the smallest of every day events to the biggest life changes!! |
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jan 19, 2018 10:38:35 GMT -5
And now, looking back I can see more clearly why those relationships didn't work out and how I am happy they didn't because here I am in a really good place. Happy. I am thankful for the experiences, though, I REALLY REALLY am. That's living life. I grew so much from those moments. SO MUCH! 1) I remember turning to a trusting member of EP when I was questioning moving forward with someone and I was told, "Well, it will either work or it won't - if it doesn't work, what have you lost? If it does, what do you gain?" What I lost when things didn't work was really nothing as I look back but I GAINED even in "losing." If anyone can comprehend that. Yes, the pain in the moment hurts, but the EXPERIENCE is priceless. It's easy to say wait a year, two, whatever, but sometimes the greatest things in our lives just HAPPEN. Those experiences DO exist. So I don't think it's fair to even label relationships like that.. "rebound." I know some "rebounders" who are freaking happy years and years later. It didn't work like that for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work. 2) All that to say, her points ARE valid, lol. BUT -- everything can't be summed up in lists, points, or articles. We can't "know" everything - how it will turn out. 1) I like this philosophy and want to adopt it for my own approach. 2) Correct EVERYTHING can't be summed up in lists, points, or articles. However I find it helpful when someone else can structure my many emotions, thoughts , goals,fears, ideas, etc... and put them into better words. It's also helpful to read it and think, " I feel and think the same". It gives clarification, much of what I get on here especially from your posts, so THANK YOU for that!! My pastor uses 4 to 5 bullet points in his sermons. I take notes. It's helpful and useful. Here's to new beginnings, from the smallest of every day events to the biggest life changes!! That's true about lists, points, articles and I search for them myself, I really do. I remember reading a TON on "second marriages" before I got married. But, in the end, I just went with my gut, heart, mind. 2018 must feel like a whole new world for you! Enjoy what you can!  |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 19, 2018 10:49:36 GMT -5
1) I like this philosophy and want to adopt it for my own approach. 2) Correct EVERYTHING can't be summed up in lists, points, or articles. However I find it helpful when someone else can structure my many emotions, thoughts , goals,fears, ideas, etc... and put them into better words. It's also helpful to read it and think, " I feel and think the same". It gives clarification, much of what I get on here especially from your posts, so THANK YOU for that!! My pastor uses 4 to 5 bullet points in his sermons. I take notes. It's helpful and useful. Here's to new beginnings, from the smallest of every day events to the biggest life changes!! That's true about lists, points, articles and I search for them myself, I really do. I remember reading a TON on "second marriages" before I got married. But, in the end, I just went with my gut, heart, mind. 2018 must feel like a whole new world for you! Enjoy what you can! THANK YOU! You too! How is your husbands recovery with his back pain? Back pain is one of the worst! Your not in a wheel chair or wearing a sling or a cast. It can happen to the youngest to the oldest, and no one knows the pain you are going through, the humiliation of not being able to sit, stand or lift things like you could. PM me s so this post does not get off track. |
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jan 19, 2018 12:16:36 GMT -5
That's true about lists, points, articles and I search for them myself, I really do. I remember reading a TON on "second marriages" before I got married. But, in the end, I just went with my gut, heart, mind. 2018 must feel like a whole new world for you! Enjoy what you can! THANK YOU! You too! How is your husbands recovery with his back pain? Back pain is one of the worst! Your not in a wheel chair or wearing a sling or a cast. It can happen to the youngest to the oldest, and no one knows the pain you are going through, the humiliation of not being able to sit, stand or lift things like you could. PM me s so this post does not get off track. Thanks for asking, he is doing much, much better and back to working on the basement, even wants to cross country ski with me this weekend before our snow melts. We are keeping up with planking and yoga to keep the core strong! To get it back on track, I had some thoughts on the points. Of course. lol (and time to kill) 7 things to consider before entering a rebound relationship: 1. Rebound relationships are typically short-term and usually don’t allow the newly divorced person time to process the end of their marriage and grieve it. Rebounds can complicate or delay this process.
None of this makes them "wrong" or something that "must be" avoided. Sometimes they are just in our life for a time and/or a season, that doesn't make it "wrong." I value my post-divorce relationships as messy as some of them got. I worked THROUGH the pain, and worked on healing WHILE I was on other endeavors. We are complex beings capable of far more than we give ourselves credit for. It's entirely possible to both grieve/heal/feel joy all at the same damn time. 2. Newly separated and divorced people are usually feeling pretty lonely, needy, and vulnerable so are probably not ready to engage in an intimate relationship.
Okay, this is just WRONG and simplistic thinking. Not the "needy/lonely,vulnerable" part but the part that says not ready to engage in an intimate relationship. Intimacy is not just sex but it does not automatically mean "long term relationship" either. I experienced wonderful intimacy post-divorce and I do not mean "just sex." I mean, wow -- yes, connection, INTIMACY. Intimacy between two human beings is beautiful and doesn't always mean those two people are meant to live together for ever. I wouldn't trade those fleeting moments for anything. 3. The timing is probably off. Consider this: even someone who might be a good match for you in the future probably isn’t a good bet now. One or both of you simply needs more time to heal. As a result, the relationship may end abruptly – leaving damage in its wake.
The relationship will either work or it won't. Damage? What kind of damage? The kind illustrated in the next point? 4. A breakup can temporarily damage your self-esteem and it’s important to build your confidence before you enter the dating world again.
Oh, some break ups can leave you sobbing on the bathroom floor feeling like the biggest loser in the world. Others are just 'eh - it's over.' Personally, I wouldn't trade those moments for anything because I learned, grew and came out stronger in the end. Maybe if we didn't fear pain so much we would dare more in life. The good stuff about life are in those moments you choose to live if you ask me. Maybe I am an adrenaline junkie, so I am not speaking for all - but I am glad I didn't sit safe in my bedroom curled up with a book and instead got out there and did stuff, met people, and experienced fun things. The rejections, break ups, etc. did hurt, but you keep walking on... and life gets better. 5. Learning to deal with loneliness is part of the grieving process and essential to discovering who you are post-divorce. Regaining a sense of self can give you the confidence you need to move forward and make wise decisions in your next relationship.
I agree with this, definitely, 100%. That's been my quest in life to combat my fear of loneliness. I DO recommend becoming comfortable with one's self. The solo camping trips I did were so empowering. Eating out in a restaurant by myself, life changing. All of it - good stuff. If you jump right into "committed" that might be tough, but surely, one can still experience solitude while dating. 6. If you’re eager to remarry, consider that the divorce rate is over 65% for second marriages. One of the main reasons is that people date too soon after their breakup and end up picking a partner who has similar characteristics to their ex.
I wasn't "eager" to remarry so this doesn't speak to me. I suppose for those who are, that statistic comes into play? I don't know. I knew I DESIRED a life partner, definitely and I never apologize for that. I LIKE being in a relationship (a good relationship). My husband is NOTHING like my ex. Phew. (At all) My husband tells me I am nothing like his ex either. 7. Rebound relationships can be fun but you may be relying on your new partner to fix some of your problems. Be careful! Looking to your new love for validation is risky business.The first sentence is true. They might be, too. One can never be 100% sure what someone's motives/agendas are, that's why it is important to give it a little time, get to know one another and then it will either work out or it won't. IN THE MEANTIME, try to know yourself, figure out who you want to be, what you want and don't cling to stuff in life that doesn't support that. |
|
