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Post by Caris on Jan 3, 2018 14:52:47 GMT -5
I am surprised that I’m still grieving for my husband. The holidays were hard, being it was the first one without him being alive, but I think that’s “normal” for anyone. The thing is, I dream about him virtually every day, then I wake and feel sad. I just woke from a nap, and now I’m in tears. I was doing better, and now with these dreams, I seem to be going a step back. I haven’t cried over him in a while, now I am.
I’ll be okay in a bit. I’m going to make some tea, and wake up properly, and shake off the remnants of the dream. Dreams can feel so real, then you wake up to the starkness of reality.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 3, 2018 22:30:54 GMT -5
Grief is definitely not linear. Kind thoughts to you, sister. Gentle & kind thoughts to your loving soul from mine.
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Post by Caris on Jan 4, 2018 0:03:57 GMT -5
Thank you, GeekGoddess, for your kindness. I suppose that’s what it is...grief is not linear. I was doing so well, and then heading into the holidays set off all sorts of triggers. It happens to a lot of people. Somehow, I thought January 1st would see me feeling better, but it didn’t happen, so I guess I’m still going through the grieving process. I don’t like the dreams. They upset me, but I suppose they will resolve in their own time. Hugs. |
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Post by WindSister on Jan 4, 2018 10:26:52 GMT -5
A friend of mine sent the following to me once when I needed it. And while there is no real comfort in the words themselves it is comforting somehow. I think because it gives us permission to grieve. Take care of yourself.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 4, 2018 10:48:18 GMT -5
Caris, what you describe doesn't seem unusual at all, and the fact that you're not currently in a relationship probably amplifies it. Not that it's in the same arena, but I'm still frequently visited by memories and dreams of relationships from 30 years ago. I'm certain those would be far from my mind if my circumstances were different.
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Post by Caris on Jan 4, 2018 17:09:18 GMT -5
A friend of mine sent the following to me once when I needed it. And while there is no real comfort in the words themselves it is comforting somehow. I think because it gives us permission to grieve. Take care of yourself. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful poem. Its beauty is in its truth, compassion, and understanding of the self. Wonderful! Bye the way, I am feeling much better today, but I know there will be other “todays,” like in the poem, and these too shall pass. Hugs 🙏 |
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Post by Caris on Jan 4, 2018 17:17:23 GMT -5
Caris, what you describe doesn't seem unusual at all, and the fact that you're not currently in a relationship probably amplifies it. Not that it's in the same arena, but I'm still frequently visited by memories and dreams of relationships from 30 years ago. I'm certain those would be far from my mind if my circumstances were different. What you say makes a lot of sense (as usual) DC. Being alone, I’m sure contributes much to these memories and dreams. I needed the comfort of a man’s arms around me, but like the past two decades, I am denied the comfort of loving arms. I’m sure if I had such a man in my life, it would ease the sadness of missing my ex. Love and care is indeed medicine for the soul. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2018 13:59:32 GMT -5
I don’t have anything new to say that others already haven’t. But I can attest to the fact that - even after years, even if it was a dysfunctional relationship - you may still continue to have grief and yearning.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 5, 2018 16:34:10 GMT -5
I think with dysfunctional relationships, the grief is worse. There are so many unresolved emotions for me that I know will affect my next relationship.
A counselor once said to me that if you have an unresolved relationship with either parent, you are destined to find someone very similar to that parent as a life mate. My wife was not really like either of my parents, but both my wife and I have very similar families. That was very apparent today at my wife’s funeral as my brothers and sisters shared stories and compared notes with my in-laws. The family pictures looked the same. I have come to believe that I was trying to reconnect with my family through her.
Now that my wife has passed, I am dealing with a lot of guilt for being resentful of my wife. Then I get resentful for having the guilt. It’s a vicious cycle.
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Post by Caris on Jan 7, 2018 19:02:16 GMT -5
I don’t have anything new to say that others already haven’t. But I can attest to the fact that - even after years, even if it was a dysfunctional relationship - you may still continue to have grief and yearning. I’ve given this some thought, Kat, and believe you are right. Even though he was less than kind to me, he was a man with a brilliant mind, and many talents and skills. In fact, I’ve never met anyone like him. He commanded a room when he walked in. A true leader. For all his faults, especially in his treatment of me, I admire him for so many things. His courage, his tenacity, his work ethic. The man was more than a sexless marriage participant. He literally left a legacy that many people are now benifiting from. No matter how he treated me, he was an amazing individual. I miss him for that. |
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Post by Caris on Jan 7, 2018 19:12:45 GMT -5
I think with dysfunctional relationships, the grief is worse. There are so many unresolved emotions for me that I know will affect my next relationship. A counselor once said to me that if you have an unresolved relationship with either parent, you are destined to find someone very similar to that parent as a life mate. My wife was not really like either of my parents, but both my wife and I have very similar families. That was very apparent today at my wife’s funeral as my brothers and sisters shared stories and compared notes with my in-laws. The family pictures looked the same. I have come to believe that I was trying to reconnect with my family through her. Now that my wife has passed, I am dealing with a lot of guilt for being resentful of my wife. Then I get resentful for having the guilt. It’s a vicious cycle. These issues we have will affect our next relationship, Obobfla, but hopefully we will find a kind and understanding person, one with lots of patience because I know I, for one, need someone with the patience of a saint. Not sure there is anyone like that. Time will tell. Your grief is fresh, so you need time and space to process all these mixed emotions, which are normal. Be kind to yourself most of all. Hugs. |
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