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Post by M2G on Jan 1, 2018 11:36:52 GMT -5
Well - I'm calling it over because it's not, in my opinion, an SM if neither party is interested in sex with the other. I was off work, actually between jobs all this week. I'd decided that I would keep absolute control of myself: no fighting, no bad moods, all of that - I did it, and I'm very proud of that. The book therapy is working. What finished it were a couple of comments from my Roomie: I went to the store and (among other things) picked up a 30-pack of beer for her. Oops - the quantity was supposed to be 2 each 30 packs - too make sure she had enough to last from today till Friday. So I said "no problem, I'll run out and get another." "It said 2 on the list" "No worries" I replied again - I got 2 empty cases I forgot to take back anyway - BRB." Putting on her "doah" voice she says: "you gotta learn numbers." Fuming, but non-responsive, I went back and procured the second crutch. I cooled down before I got there, and didn't bring my ire back with me either. Then - "Where's the pepperoni?" I said "What pepperoni? I didn't see it on the list" (I use a shopping app - the list is on my phone, and I swipe each item as it hits the cart. Pepperoni would have been between the pedialyte and the milk as the app puts things in order by store location). "I hate when you invalidate me like that!" I said - "sorry, maybe there was a glitch in the appp - do you need it tonight?" "No" "OK I'll swing by tomorrow after I go the the gym." Then she spent most of the day playing spider solitaire. In fact she spent most of thew week playing spider solitaire like a passive aggressive child. So - to echo ironhamster "I'm Done." ..Just don't know where it's going from here. I want out. Probably she does too. That's fine. No kids. Just property & money. Not saying shit today as I'm off tomorrow to corporate headquarters in Montreal all week and I don't want her head-starting with lawyers. I have an idea in my head on how to (very fairly) split stuff up, but need a professional opinion. Would be nice to be civil about this if at all possible. I'll never be able to attain the level of perfection she's looking for. I'll never have sex with her again. Will counter refuse if necessary - but I don't think there's any danger of a reset attempt. I'm tired of being regarded with contempt and treated like a child. Most of all, the hard truth is this: The woman I married is gone. The woman I live with now is someone else. She's in charge of her own life. She's making the gains she wanted in dealing with her trauma and I'm happy that's so. I just don't believe there's any room now for me, in the new life she's building for her. Shame that - together we were unstoppable "back in the day" but living in the past, and trying to rebuild that bond, is just a dream that's stopping me from moving forward with my own life. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 1, 2018 16:48:54 GMT -5
While I don’t wish to congratulate the end of a marriage, I recall a feeling of relief when I reached a real decision- and I hope there is some of that for you. Instead of being on the fence, wondering what way to proceed - it felt good to know I was heading “out” and the new questions were simply how to get there.
I agree with keeping mum until such time you have seen a lawyer & gotten input on your idea(s) for a fair split. Don’t shred your cred by tipping your hand before you have the facts all straight.
Sorry, not sorry - congrats but deepest empathy too.
Sending you compassion & hoping you gain some peace now that this portion is a firm decision.
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Post by M2G on Jan 1, 2018 23:54:46 GMT -5
Thanks I appreciate the kind words.
W was really nice to be around today. Maybe she smells something brewing, she's pretty sharp that way. Keeping mouth shut though. Went out and got her an iPhone as were changing providers on everything. Was actually a fun day. End of day though, nothing has really changed.
He he, would be hilarious if I swiped her on Tinder...
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Post by baza on Jan 2, 2018 0:33:23 GMT -5
Observation. You might not be as "done" as you think Brother M2G . Usually, when you are truly done, the taking of your spouses' inventory and detailing their idiosyncratic behaviour stops. Because you don't give a fuck any more, you can't do anything about such behaviour anyway, and you have your focus out ahead on the next phase of the process. There might be a few more twists in the tail to come here. |
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Post by M2G on Jan 2, 2018 5:49:14 GMT -5
Observation. You might not be as "done" as you think Brother M2G . Usually, when you are truly done, the taking of your spouses' inventory and detailing their idiosyncratic behaviour stops. Because you don't give a fuck any more, you can't do anything about such behaviour anyway, and you have your focus out ahead on the next phase of the process. There might be a few more twists in the tail to come here. Well, I can't say you're wrong baza - if I said I wasn't in love with her anymore it would be a lie. I don't think that will change anytime in the near future to be honest. After 37 years there's no switch I can flip to just shut her out - but I can't live happily by staying here either, if that makes any sense. I'm not out of the FOG yet but I know I have to do something (leave) before I wake up one day with 10 more years gone; a miserable mope pining for what I'll never have with her again. End of day - I don't have to hate her, or even dislike her, to know that I will ultimately be better off not living with her as a romantic partner. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 2, 2018 9:49:05 GMT -5
Here's a story that re-enforces your situation. www.sunnyskyz.com/blog.php?blogid=610/I-Wasn-t-Treating-My-Husband-Fairly-And-It-Wasn-t-FairI found this article posted on EP. and re-posted about a year ago. I will only speak for myself ,( sadly I think you can relate) showing articles like this to my W would do no good, so I don't. it reminds me of the day I found her reading the book "Boundaries in Marriage" and asked her about it. She said it's teaching me to say "NO". I laughed with anger inside, thinking, " you are already a master at that!" I walked away knowing that she would miss the other 90% of the meaning in that book. Very similar if I showed her an article like this one. So, like the article says, " I don't say anything, I do less around the house, and I avoid her." Until the tipping point came when I realized I'd rather live in an empty house than with an empty spouse". On a side note- I received an email from my W. " Will you please replace the fill valve in the master bathroom toilet?. I have left the replacement part on the back of the toilet". A couple thoughts went through my head. 1) Heck no! If she wants to keep this house, I'm not fixing anything! 2) I've got another replacement valve sitting in a box in the garage. A left over from the rental properties. 3) She needs to do it herself, and learn how, I am not going to be around. I learned the simple way. I read the instructions. 4)At least she went out and bought one, she actually spent money on something other than for herself. 5) I should show one of my boys how to do this, yet they can learn like I did...read the instructions! 6) I use the toilet too, I've done this a dozen times, It'll take me 10 minutes. 7) while replacing it and being crammed in the corner between the walls and the toilet getting the adjustment wrench at just the right angle, I thought, " with my STBX's size... I don't know if she can even fit in here to do this!". There's been no thank you....and I won't be holding my breath. It also proves that she can communicate when it benefits her. A plumber would have charged her an easy 100$ just to walk in the door. |
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Post by twotimesone on Jan 2, 2018 10:22:05 GMT -5
You're preaching to the choir my friend. This BS about 'mommy knows best' has to stop. Not to mention she gets brainwashed by soap operas by this "happy wife, happy life" BS mentality makes me sick. I get berated by my W over these minute things all the time and I just grow despondent about this. |
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Post by obobfla on Jan 3, 2018 0:17:03 GMT -5
What finished it were a couple of comments from my Roomie: I went to the store and (among other things) picked up a 30-pack of beer for her. Oops - the quantity was supposed to be 2 each 30 packs - too make sure she had enough to last from today till Friday. So I said "no problem, I'll run out and get another." "It said 2 on the list" "No worries" I replied again - I got 2 empty cases I forgot to take back anyway - BRB." Putting on her "doah" voice she says: "you gotta learn numbers." Fuming, but non-responsive, I went back and procured the second crutch. I cooled down before I got there, and didn't bring my ire back with me either. As a recovering alcoholic, I do know a little bit about numbers when it comes to alcohol. You bought the beer on a Sunday or Monday. She said that a 30-pack was not enough to get her through until Friday. Thirty beers in six days is a lot for me, and I am a 200-lb. American male. That is five beers a day, which would get her legally drunk here in the States should she decide to drive. And that is weak-ass American beer, which has less alcohol than Canadian beers. Sixty beers in that time period is a sure sign of a drinking problem, even in the middle of a Canadian winter. I might be biased or jumping to conclusions, but that number really jumps out at me. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 3, 2018 9:50:21 GMT -5
What finished it were a couple of comments from my Roomie: I went to the store and (among other things) picked up a 30-pack of beer for her. Oops - the quantity was supposed to be 2 each 30 packs - too make sure she had enough to last from today till Friday. So I said "no problem, I'll run out and get another." "It said 2 on the list" "No worries" I replied again - I got 2 empty cases I forgot to take back anyway - BRB." Putting on her "doah" voice she says: "you gotta learn numbers." Fuming, but non-responsive, I went back and procured the second crutch. I cooled down before I got there, and didn't bring my ire back with me either. As a recovering alcoholic, I do know a little bit about numbers when it comes to alcohol. You bought the beer on a Sunday or Monday. She said that a 30-pack was not enough to get her through until Friday. Thirty beers in six days is a lot for me, and I am a 200-lb. American male. That is five beers a day, which would get her legally drunk here in the States should she decide to drive. And that is weak-ass American beer, which has less alcohol than Canadian beers. Sixty beers in that time period is a sure sign of a drinking problem, even in the middle of a Canadian winter. I might be biased or jumping to conclusions, but that number really jumps out at me. Back when I was drinking, 5 beers wouldn't have been enough to get me drunk. Perhaps just starting a buzz. 10 beers during a day sounds like par for me. Of course, I'm a recovering alcoholic,too. I think your point is spot on. |
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Post by M2G on Jan 3, 2018 16:54:16 GMT -5
Clarity of the numbers: Light Beer, 1 each 30 every 4 days ~ 7-8 per evening
I'm a managed alcoholic - I can stop whenever I choose. Haven't had anything in a 2 months, about 20 drinks/beers in the last 8 months. Tonight all bets are off but I gotta go to work tomorrow so...
I never drink more then 1/day at home - alcohol in certain situations leads me to blow up at stupid shit. Not healthy for constructive conversations..
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Post by obobfla on Jan 3, 2018 18:24:08 GMT -5
Clarity of the numbers: Light Beer, 1 each 30 every 4 days ~ 7-8 per evening I'm a managed alcoholic - I can stop whenever I choose. Haven't had anything in a 2 months, about 20 drinks/beers in the last 8 months. Tonight all bets are off but I gotta go to work tomorrow so... I never drink more then 1/day at home - alcohol in certain situations leads me to blow up at stupid shit. Not healthy for constructive conversations.. I’m not talking about you - how much does your wife drink? I think she is an alcoholic, and she’s not managed. |
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Post by M2G on Jan 3, 2018 20:31:07 GMT -5
The first part, clarity of numbers refers to W only. And yeah, she can’t get to sleep without it. Also Lord help me if I for some reason encounter her awake after the end of the drinking.
i myself, putting light beer away that fast ( bout 1 every 15min) will get me ripped, @ 5’11” 180lbs if no food.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 3, 2018 23:18:41 GMT -5
She is an alcoholic with all the thoughts and attitudes that go with the condition. Best definition of an alcoholic I’ve ever heard is one that doesn’t involve alcohol. It is someone who believes that he or she would be ruler of the world if not for a conspiracy between a vengeful God and the people around that person. With her, she is right, and you are always wrong.
So, what do you do? If you care for her health and well-being, confront her and tell her you will not live with her in this condition. If you don’t care anymore, just leave.
Notice there is not an option for you staying with her continuing to drink. Leaving her might force her to save her own life. You can’t save it for her. Save yourself.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 4, 2018 7:57:00 GMT -5
greatcoastal - not to contradict too much, but I have never been the 'nagging' wife, I always think - well, there's more than one way to do thing and who am I to criticise someone else's way? My ex, on the other hand, criticised me for everything from the way I made a sandwich or used the toaster or talked to my son, or whatever, to things which more reasonably could be criticised. He would criticise in unhelpful ways and it was used as an effort to belittle and control.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 4, 2018 9:09:49 GMT -5
greatcoastal - not to contradict too much, but I have never been the 'nagging' wife, I always think - well, there's more than one way to do thing and who am I to criticise someone else's way? My ex, on the other hand, criticised me for everything from the way I made a sandwich or used the toaster or talked to my son, or whatever, to things which more reasonably could be criticised. He would criticise in unhelpful ways and it was used as an effort to belittle and control. Thanks elkclan2, no contradiction at all! Men can have the same manipulative controlling (narcissistic) characteristics. I have tried to stay gender neutral in past posts. I leave that out when talking about my personal experiences with my W. I'm glad you got away from it and see the worth and value in your self! |
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