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Post by takestwototango on Dec 31, 2017 9:10:07 GMT -5
My husband came into the bedroom this morning and laid down, putting his arms around me. He knows that I love to wake up that way and I had asked him to last night in a text (he slept on the couch). I reciprocated and we lay there for over an hour. He would occasionally stroke my back & I his chest. I did the unthinkable and touched him in his nether regions, and he seemed to get a bit of a rise, but his verbal response was that I was going to make him pee. I really wanted him to touch me, but I didn't ask him to. Instead, I asked him if he ever craved to touch or be touched by someone. Without hesitation, he said no, that he'd never craved to touch or be touched. I told him that was so sad, that he'd never been that in love. Of course, it broke my heart, again. He said he has been in love and that had nothing to do with it. I told him it had a lot to do with it, because that is a major way we express love for each other. He just didn't get it. He got up to go smoke. I rolled over amd cried, but not for me - for him. I cannot imagine going through life not feeling the craving for touch. Sometimes I want it so bad I think I will go insane. That is usually the only time I really consider outsourcing. I am so sad, too, because if he doesn't crave it, I will always have to ask for it. Counseling can't get here soon enough.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 31, 2017 9:35:54 GMT -5
Sounds like he is asexual, which is a sexual orientation just as unchangeable as is yours.
He experiences love but not in the way you do.trying to change him or expecting more is like trying to teach a blind man to enjoy rainbows.
Allowing yourself to realize this will keep you from continuing to expect the impossible from him.
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Touch
Dec 31, 2017 9:38:57 GMT -5
Post by takestwototango on Dec 31, 2017 9:38:57 GMT -5
Yes, asexual was my first thought, too, but before his heart attack he was very sexually active for the most part. So, I don't know - can someone "become" asexual?
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 31, 2017 9:59:48 GMT -5
Yes, asexual was my first thought, too, but before his heart attack he was very sexually active for the most part. So, I don't know - can someone "become" asexual? Look into what medications he is taking, there are a lot of meds that mess with his ability to get an erection and affect the libido. He could also be going thru a long term depression from having the heart attack and the depression alone could completely kill how libido.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 31, 2017 10:10:02 GMT -5
Yes, asexual was my first thought, too, but before his heart attack he was very sexually active for the most part. So, I don't know - can someone "become" asexual? Yes and no, I know so little about it. I did learn from posts on here about grey-sexuality, that seemed to fit my W. Someone who can get an orgasm, who can enjoy sex, but chooses to use it only to procreate. Then it's no-longer needed, they don't see the use of it, it means nothing to them. Their "problems" lie deeper ,physically ans psychologically. Then comes the harsh reality of accepting that the only way to change that is leaving it up to that individual. The same individual who has found contempt in accepting their behavior.
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Post by M2G on Dec 31, 2017 10:23:08 GMT -5
Yes, asexual was my first thought, too, but before his heart attack he was very sexually active for the most part. So, I don't know - can someone "become" asexual? If not liking touch means asexuality, then yes. Over the years there have been "off limits" places when it comes to my W. First ticklish zones, then this, then that, now down to pecs on the lips only. Anything else is likely to get a flinch - so I gave up because the flinching makes me want to cry. Don't know what's all up - and still thinking very early trauma coming home to roost. With your H probably something different - hard to tell. It is sad though, seems a supremely solitary way to live and definitely not for me - I need touch like plants need water.
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Touch
Dec 31, 2017 10:41:33 GMT -5
via mobile
M2G likes this
Post by northstarmom on Dec 31, 2017 10:41:33 GMT -5
“ said:Yes, asexual was my first thought, too, but before his heart attack he was very sexually active for the most part. So, I don't know - can someone "become" asexual?”
Probably. Could be hormonal (perhaps due to the heart attack) or due to medication. After all, some women become asexual at menopause.
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Post by baza on Dec 31, 2017 18:57:55 GMT -5
He either has - - a slamdunk medical cause for his inability to engage or - a bullshit excuse for his unwillingness to engage. Either way, that leaves you out in the cold Sister takestwototango . Are you bankrolling this deal Sister takestwototango ? Your stories so far come across as him being a leech.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 1, 2018 8:54:52 GMT -5
Yes, asexual was my first thought, too, but before his heart attack he was very sexually active for the most part. So, I don't know - can someone "become" asexual? I believe that you can become an asexual. If you surveyed the entire Aven population (Asexual Visibility Education Network) you would probably find that a substantial percentage of them have suffered a physical illness, physical trauma or have some form of mental issue. I do not mean this to be a dig at asexuals nor for it to be seen as a derogatory comment but if you go through various members profiles on that site you will find that they are self professed loaners, sufferers of anxiety, depression and so on and so forth. There won’t be many people that have had no issues and yet are asexual. There are also many fake asexuals on Aven too in my opinion. They are Aven members who are actually perfectly normal but have joined because there is a ‘sense of belonging’ and also ones who are incredibly physically unappealing and use the orientation of ‘asexual’ as a smoke screen to hide behind their lack of success in finding a mate. Just my opinion.
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tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Jan 2, 2018 7:05:31 GMT -5
My wife was insatiable until she was fucked over by the system. Then it was like a switch had been thrown, and she only seemed to want a quickie every couple of months from then on. Now we have split she has said several times that she has no intention of ever having another partner...and I believe her.
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Post by M2G on Jan 2, 2018 9:00:06 GMT -5
“ said:Yes, asexual was my first thought, too, but before his heart attack he was very sexually active for the most part. So, I don't know - can someone "become" asexual?” Probably. Could be hormonal (perhaps due to the heart attack) or due to medication. After all, some women become asexual at menopause. Yeah - this could be a big contributor also to my own situation. Thanks for putting it out there.
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Post by takestwototango on Jan 2, 2018 18:04:59 GMT -5
He either has - - a slamdunk medical cause for his inability to engage or - a bullshit excuse for his unwillingness to engage. Either way, that leaves you out in the cold Sister takestwototango . Are you bankrolling this deal Sister takestwototango ? Your stories so far come across as him being a leech. I think a small part of it is medical, or at least started out that way. As time went on, though, I think it became more of a mental issue. Because he has developed ED, I think he mainly fears that he can't perform, so doesn't even try. Yesterday I suggested he see a psychiatrist and he said yes, he probably should. So, that will come later unless the couples therapist recommends it sooner. I have a good feeling she will. My first appt with her is tomorrow! Yes, I am working on saving just in case I need it. Looking at all avenues this could take.
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Post by baza on Jan 2, 2018 18:36:41 GMT -5
It reads like you are operating on a premise that this is a *joint* enterprise and that your spouse is as committed to bringing the situation to resolution as you are.
I'd invite you to critically examine this premise. Mainly because in your postings so far (and from the outside looking in) there does not seem to be any evidence to support a view that your spouse is as committed to bringing the situation to resolution as you are. Quite the reverse appears to be the case. His actions - as your posts have shown - are the actions of a person who is quite happy with the status quo.
Now if that's right, I'd invite you to look at the situation from your spouses point of view. In other words put yourself in his shoes.
If you were in a relationship that was pretty much delivering on what you wanted, would you be very enthusiastic about the idea of turning the whole thing upside down and making radical changes to your behaviour ? Or do you figure you might be quite resistant to such a proposition ?
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 2, 2018 18:38:15 GMT -5
Good luck tomorrow takestwototango! I hope it will start to help you. I definitely understand your feelings as they pertain to always having to be the one to ask since he never craves it. (My H is asexual.)
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Touch
Jan 2, 2018 19:01:09 GMT -5
Post by takestwototango on Jan 2, 2018 19:01:09 GMT -5
It reads like you are operating on a premise that this is a *joint* enterprise and that your spouse is as committed to bringing the situation to resolution as you are. I'd invite you to critically examine this premise. Mainly because in your postings so far (and from the outside looking in) there does not seem to be any evidence to support a view that your spouse is as committed to bringing the situation to resolution as you are. Quite the reverse appears to be the case. His actions - as your posts have shown - are the actions of a person who is quite happy with the status quo. Now if that's right, I'd invite you to look at the situation from your spouses point of view. In other words put yourself in his shoes. If you were in a relationship that was pretty much delivering on what you wanted, would you be very enthusiastic about the idea of turning the whole thing upside down and making radical changes to your behaviour ? Or do you figure you might be quite resistant to such a proposition ? I do still have hope - it has not completely fizzled out yet. He says he wants things to get better. Couples therapy will reveal for sure whether or not he thinks we both need to make changes, because I know I have not helped matters & have my own issues, as we all do. But I want to see what the therapist thinks of starting couples therapy right away. He did admit yesterday that he should probably see a psychiatrist for his issues.
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