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Post by darktippedrose on Feb 14, 2018 1:23:02 GMT -5
I rarely talk about it. He denies denying me. and he gets pissed off at me mention his cheating. Its just humiliating. He's always right, and I'm always wroing
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Post by saarinista on Feb 14, 2018 1:27:01 GMT -5
I've realized that not only do I rarely bring up our SM issues anymore (why bother?) but I rarely even bring up sex in ANY capacity anymore. - Tonight we were discussing a potential remodel of the master bathroom. He described the kind of walk-in shower he'd want: beautiful tiles, glass encased, no door, multiple shower sprays... I told him I fully agree and would love that too, *IF* we were going to be having sex in it. I told him that if the sexlessness in our marriage was going to continue then I didn't want a beautiful sexy new shower like that as it would only make me sad. He was dumbfounded and said "Maybe we can work on that..." and then changed the subject. Fat chance. So baby steps, but they make me feel good. I plan to stop censoring myself so much and pretending sex and sexuality don't exist. Just because they don't exist for him does not mean they don't exist for me. Voice of experience coming through here! Learn from others who can say, I fell for that for way to long-don't let that continue to happen to you!. About 10 yrs ago the tiles started coming loose in our very nice sized, open master bedroom shower. I wanted duel shower heads. After it was redone and installed, It was great! Sadly that also lead to both of us could be in the shower "together" now. What do you think that lead to? More disappointment, more of me washing her down with my soapy body and getting nothing in return. Nothing during the shower, nothing that evening, NOTHING but more avoidance, and rejection. Remember all the jokes about the woman who say " I'll be ready in a minute" and it takes another half an hour? Not my STBX. Clothes on in 30 seconds and ready to run out the door or sit with the computer, and avoid intimacy. The message in this bottle? SM people should only do kitchen remodels. I'm pretty sure those bring the highest return when selling a house in any event. Besides people can live without sex, but they can't live without eating, so at least the kitchen will get used-unlike the dual shower head bathrooms. 😩
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Post by baza on Feb 14, 2018 2:03:38 GMT -5
Reckon you're onto something there Sister saarinista . Suggestion #1 for persons in ILIASM deals - "start fixing your house up" to maximise the sale price for the impending split of assets.
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hiddenmind
Junior Member
Posts: 25
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by hiddenmind on Mar 1, 2018 18:29:09 GMT -5
I don't bring it up often anymore. In the beginning I was very emotional about it, so bringing it up would mean a big argument. Now I've had years to mellow and for some strange reason decided to just accept my fate.
Anyway, I brought it up today after years of no discussion (or intimacy, and after having asked for sex a couple of days ago). At first, my H was angry and asked wtf that had to do with anything. Then he said that I don't seem interested anymore. (I quickly straightened him out.) Then he stopped talking. He came back maybe 10 minutes later with excuses. His lactose intolerance and needing to lose 20 pounds.
Then he hovered for the rest of the day. Took me shopping and to lunch, like that would fix everything.
So I won't be bringing it up again for a very long time. It was a completely unproductive conversation.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 3, 2018 0:42:06 GMT -5
I don't bring it up often anymore. In the beginning I was very emotional about it, so bringing it up would mean a big argument. Now I've had years to mellow and for some strange reason decided to just accept my fate... I never could really accept it. I tried. I rationalized, looking for any hope of improvement. I remember thinking my drive would fade as I got older and hers would increase and we would eventually meet at a reasonable balance. Neither happened. Once I realized my fate was that she was never going to be the woman she said she would be, I stopped being the patient man I had been.
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hiddenmind
Junior Member
Posts: 25
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by hiddenmind on Mar 3, 2018 10:05:17 GMT -5
I don't bring it up often anymore. In the beginning I was very emotional about it, so bringing it up would mean a big argument. Now I've had years to mellow and for some strange reason decided to just accept my fate... I never could really accept it. I tried. I rationalized, looking for any hope of improvement. I remember thinking my drive would fade as I got older and hers would increase and we would eventually meet at a reasonable balance. Neither happened. Once I realized my fate was that she was never going to be the woman she said she would be, I stopped being the patient man I had been. I can only explain it as survival mode. Everyone loves my H and thinks we've made such a great little family. I don't think my family would agree that a SM is grounds for divorce. So my brain tried to shut it out. I've done well for several years, but now I'm going crazy.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 3, 2018 10:24:56 GMT -5
I never could really accept it. I tried. I rationalized, looking for any hope of improvement. I remember thinking my drive would fade as I got older and hers would increase and we would eventually meet at a reasonable balance. Neither happened. Once I realized my fate was that she was never going to be the woman she said she would be, I stopped being the patient man I had been. I can only explain it as survival mode. Everyone loves my H and thinks we've made such a great little family. I don't think my family would agree that a SM is grounds for divorce. So my brain tried to shut it out. I've done well for several years, but now I'm going crazy. I hope you can move forward, for your own sake. Last year, my eldest daughter got married. I did not want her to end up in the same sort of situation, and did not want to address my problems directly, so I had to be somewhat cryptic. When my wife let the kids know about my affair, the idea of the unfairness of a sexless marriage was well ingrained. All the kids refused to take her side. I think with the proper prep work, you can help your family understand that this lack of intimacy is not what you signed up for.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 3, 2018 11:26:59 GMT -5
hiddenmind I have now told 4 family members about my SM situation. Every single one of them had my back and understood just how awful it is for me. They love my H but they all said they would understand if I decided I had to leave. They also all said "no one should have to live like that". I was pleasantly surprised by their reactions. You may be too if you start being honest and letting people see the reality. I remember when I told one of my sisters I would likely be leaving him she said: "oh I'm so sad!" And I asked her why - honestly - WHY did she feel sad? She thought about it for a moment and then said "I suppose I'm sad that my idea of your happy little family was all wrong. But you have to do what you have to do to truly be happy, not just appear happy." Couldn't have gotten a better response.
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Post by flounder on Mar 3, 2018 11:36:06 GMT -5
About every 3 weeks. That’s about how long I can take it before I get irritable. Then we talk about therapy,how she is trying to do better,how she doesn’t try to make me feel unwanted,blah,blah,blah.... Then some sort of promise is given,MAYBE some sort of reset attempted. Rinse. Repeat.
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Post by flounder on Mar 3, 2018 11:51:37 GMT -5
I don't bring it up often anymore. In the beginning I was very emotional about it, so bringing it up would mean a big argument. Now I've had years to mellow and for some strange reason decided to just accept my fate. Anyway, I brought it up today after years of no discussion (or intimacy, and after having asked for sex a couple of days ago). At first, my H was angry and asked wtf that had to do with anything. Then he said that I don't seem interested anymore. (I quickly straightened him out.) Then he stopped talking. He came back maybe 10 minutes later with excuses. His lactose intolerance and needing to lose 20 pounds. Then he hovered for the rest of the day. Took me shopping and to lunch, like that would fix everything. So I won't be bringing it up again for a very long time. It was a completely unproductive conversation. Hope you bought yourself something expensive !
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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2018 12:21:37 GMT -5
Bear in mind I am out of my deal, so I am commenting from my position as it once was - not as it presently is. Back in the day of my ILIASM deal, just like you Sister choosinghappy , I too didn't "want to upset the peace we had in our household". Short term that was easily handled by the simple expedient of going along with everything she wanted and eschewing everything she didn't want. That worked great for keeping the peace, and it worked great for my missus - for a while. It didn't work for me at all - after a while. "Peace at all costs" is not peace at all. It is just delaying the day of reckoning. Did we discuss it ? Yeah. But only a few times. Those few times turned in to arguements and finger pointing etc and achieved nothing. Nor did counselling etc. I usually don't need to be told something more than once or twice, so from then on, the matter was rarely discussed. Why bother ? Her actions said everything that needed to be said. Words were superfluous. I just regarded her as pretty irrelevant as a spouse and didn't engage at that "married couple" level any further. Funnily enough, that put us on the same page as far as the marriage went, although she still wanted to put on an act for the wider community. She was a good Financial Partner though, and that was the basis of how we stumbled onward toward 30 years. Some people might regard a marriage that survived for 30 years a big success ! I personally am not necessarily of that opinion. Anyway, toward the end, she started to engage in behaviours that threatened the Financial Partnership, the only decent thing remaining. That torpedoed the deal. We split. My wife and I just passed the 30 year mark and I'm exactly in the same boat as you were. She is a great Financial Partner but not a Marriage Partner. Though I'm very unhappy and no sex for 18 years now, my financial position would be a disaster and deadly if I were to divorce right now.
So I hang in there, day by day. Very sad and not much of a way to enjoy life, but at least I have a roof over my head, a car to drive to get to work so I can pay off my bills and food on my table.
My goal at this point is to try to eliminate enough debt that it will be financially possible to change my life. But I stare at the possibility that each day that goes by is one less day that I will ever be able to see life in a better way and enjoy the companionship of a woman and intimacy ever again.
I say this as a warning to younger folks currently in SM. This is what your life will be like if you don't address it and change it for you now while you're still young enough and don't have as much time invested in your marriage as I have.
Thanks baza and I'm glad you were able to escape and find someone who you can share what I dream of.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2018 12:27:20 GMT -5
"I'm not the type to nag and honestly now it boils down to - I don't want sex with someone that doesn't want sex with me."
AMEN bballgirl!
That's exactly where I am today. If someone doesn't love and care enough for me to willingly share being intimate with me, I'm sure as hell not begging for it.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2018 12:38:56 GMT -5
I've brought it up many times, but it almost always becomes an arguement & my fault that he does not want to have sex with me. He insists he's not cheating & that he still finds me very attractive, he just doesn't have any drive. Or, there's the fall-back that he's afraid he will have another heart attack & die, even though his heart dr said he is good to go in the sex dept. The excuses for not wanting or desiring sex are endless. Counseling starts in a few weeks, thank God. Even if it doesn't help the sm, I know it will help me! Omg, sex is the best and funniest exercise you can have.
If it were me and my companion still wanted and enjoyed sex, I would definitely still be doing it and enjoying that time together, and if, I were to have an attack and die while so doing, what a wonderful way to go, making love to someone you love and dying in their arms.
Sorry don't mean to sound morbid.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2018 12:53:22 GMT -5
“Hard as I work, as careful as I strive to be, I can't seem to go any longer than 10 days to 2 weeks without doing something she finds off-putting and worthy of a fight / chastisement. Not fighting back, seems just to make her more intensively roused than if I were to resort to yelling - and I don't have the stomach for that anymore. No worth it. I just stand there and listen, just like I used to to when I was a little kid taking shit from my abusive step-dad” Yelling back is a time waster. You are wise not to engage like that. You can also choose to walk away completely out of the house. You can choose also to stop sharing a bedroom if you still do. You can choose to live as if you are unrelated roommates taking meals and socializing separately.Individual therapy could help you heal from this abusive wife and your abusive childhood. I'm there now in my marriage -- just roommates and financial partners. Nothing more or expected in this relationship.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 3, 2018 13:01:10 GMT -5
I finally gave up. All it did was result in her getting angry, and of course the fight was all my fault - she has done/does nothing wrong. So for now I am just status quo. It is a terrible place to be but at least the fighting is a lot less. I used to avoid the fights too. It's the reason why I let my SM go on for so long. Now, if she wants to argue over it, I wholeheartedly throw myself into the argument. I wish I had argued more and sooner. I think if I had, our marriage would either be better today, or ended years ago. Either way, nothing changes without force. (And to be clear, I mean 'force' in terms of physics where movement of an object in any direction requires force to overcome friction and stationary momentum or momentum in an undesirable direction.) ABSOUTLY TRUE!!!!!! That means they either change or you have to divorce, and if it's so hard for them to change, then they don't love you anymore, so why should they be upset if you divorce. That always gets me in these stories. The refuser doesn't love you enough to want to be intimate, but they sure as hell don't want a divorce. What a crock of crap!
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