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Post by ladytjb on Dec 14, 2017 9:00:34 GMT -5
My husband is a diagnosed bipolar. In the 10 years together he’s had roughly 5-6 major manic episodes. They’re also after a major life event, such as the loss of a job or something equally painful and frustrating. While I can fully empathize and stand by him when these things happen, when his mania hits, he’s a different person. I realize his bipolar has a major effect on his sex drive and therefore our sex life. While I’m grateful he’s not the type of manic to go sleep with random women and experience hyper sexuality but he’s also a monster 90% of the time. He is so quick to anger and defensive. He’ll go for a walk barefoot in the cornfields and woods behind our house until 4am. If he gets angry, which is a lot, he screams and yells and breaks things. We’ve has so many car vents (where the heat blows it at you) broken and smashed from him punching them. He’s broken wooden tables that were his Grandma’s that I was so happy to be given by his Mother. He screams at me and tells me how awful I am, how I’m not on his side, how I have to stop being such a bitch. He does things that are so selfish and inconsiderate. He’s the only one that exists and I’m a bitch for ever making him realize otherwise.
I know some will read this and think “Wow, she needs to run as fast as she can”. And you’re probably right. Having a rough childhood prepared me to put up with a lot before I called it quits, no matter how sick that is. And 95% of our entire relationship and our time together, he’s the amazing man I fell in love with the day I met him. But the other 5% is so damaging. He says and does things his normal self would never dream of thinking. Throw in a sexless marriage and the mind fuck from all of that, and I’m lucky to make it through each day without at least one pity party. I know that I need to make a tough decision, but I don’t want to. While I hate these times, I cling to the good times of the past once they’re over.
But the utter heartbreak he’s causing this time around is almost too much to bear. For the first time I feel his energy pulling away. I sense there’s something missing. If he’s fallen out of love with me, he needs to just tell me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 14, 2017 9:15:41 GMT -5
Hes a monster 90% of the time. He's an amazing man 95% of the time. Which is it? You need to come to a firm conclusion in your own mind.
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Post by Caris on Dec 14, 2017 9:42:00 GMT -5
Is he off his meds? Does this happen even with medication? If so, you know he’s not going to change. This is your life for the rest of your life with him, but I’m sure you know this. Your main concern is your own safety, and that of your children, if you have them. This is really tough for you. It is for anyone in a SM, but add a bipolar refuser, and this creates a very toxic and dangerous environment. Whatever options you have, you must put safety first.
If he is off his meds, it is his responsibility to take them. That’s on him. That’s something he can control, and if he won’t take them, then he’s choosing this for himself, and for you. I’m very sorry for your pain.
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Post by baza on Dec 14, 2017 23:42:35 GMT -5
Unmanaged bi-polar tends to have deleterious effects on everyone else involved.
As a spouse, you can look forward to chaos in your life, a severe impact in your social life, oftentimes a financial mess, disruption to your day to day life, family tensions, and - unsurprisingly - no sex (that is usually the least of your problems)
Unmanaged mental issues are a terrible thing for the sufferer of the malaise, and is just as bad for the spouse of such a person.
The plane is going down in a death spiral.
It's a question of whether it will take two people out when it hits the deck, or only one.
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Post by ladytjb on Dec 17, 2017 9:05:27 GMT -5
Hes a monster 90% of the time. He's an amazing man 95% of the time. Which is it? You need to come to a firm conclusion in your own mind. He’s a monster 90% of the time when he’s in the midst of a manic episode.....which is about 5% of our total time together so therefore 95% of our entire time together is great. I apologize for the confusion. I’m confused myself. |
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Post by ladytjb on Dec 17, 2017 9:35:33 GMT -5
In 2011, at least about 4-5 years into the starfish tank, I had my first ever manic episode. I had the "they're out to get me" bug. I believed my family and W's family were secretly freemasons and W and I had actually been secretly betrothed. They were all conspiring together to withhold sex from me as a test of my loyalty and once I passed the test there would be a fantastic orgy. Yeah that didn't happen. Also, there was an issue at work and I had to deliver a set of plans to a jobsite by a certain time or the project would not finish on time and all hell would break loose. I felt like I was down to the wire, and lo and behold a train was approaching and the gates came down. I called my father-in-law but he didn't answer. So I called his brother and asked if he could use his freemason powers to stop the train. He didn't, but when I got home he and his wife were there to take me to the hospital. I came away a week later diagnosed with "major depression" and some antidepressants. BIG MISTAKE for a bipolar patient, for the antidepressants made me even more manic. My W was working in the same firm at the time and my sex drive was off the charts. So she was in the middle of talking with another employee and I went up and gave her an elaborate and forceful slap on the ass. Then I bolted out the door and started walking around downtown Nashville. There was this charismatic homeless guy. I went to the ATM and took out $400 and handed it to him. He actually handed $300 back. So I walked a couple blocks, threw down the cash on the street, walked a bit more, threw down my car keys, walked some more and I threw my wallet in the trash can. Some Christian billboard about worldly possessions inspired me to do these things. Some kind soul retrieved my wallet from the trash can, brought it to me and offered to take me to Vanderbilt hospital. I accepted. This time I was given proper meds and I haven't been manic sense. I think to be able to commit oneself to lifetime meds, one has to believe the side effects of the meds are better than the side effects of the disorder. For me, side effects of meds include low energy, trouble focusing sometimes, tremor, feeling "flat" emotionally and yet still depressed, lack of enthusiasm about anything, and for me I believe my singing voice has suffered in a number of ways. Pitch, coordination, timing, and most importantly - the "fire" in my voice is gone. People used to beg me to sing at parties. Now - not so much. These are all enough to make a man depressed, not to mention the SM. However, I choose sanity over being a manic crooner. The thought of being in a meeting with clients and going manic on them scares me shitless. ladytjb - is your H avoiding any meds due to shitty side-effects? Is there anything he risks losing due to not taking them? Job? Marriage perhaps? He needs to see this. If he is not avoiding the meds, have you tried switching psychiatrists? Had I stuck w/ doc#1 who knows what trouble I would be into today. Wow thank you for sharing your experience. He has done similar things and has been through crazy manic episodes in his life. I’m happy for you that you were able to find stability and a normal life with the right meds. As far as the meds are concerned, my H has been going on and off of them for years now. His issue has always been either the wrong combination of meds, or when he is feeling good he decides that he is strong enough to do it without the meds. So he went back on antidepressants last year and found one that really helped, Zoloft. He had been on so many others that just made it worse, especially his mania. However, Zoloft doesn’t control the manic episodes so he finally is back on Lamictal. Lamictal has ALWAYS stabilized his moods but with the wrong antidepressant, he had bad side effects which caused him to stop taking them. Fast forward to now and he went to the doctor and asked to go back on Lamictal last week. He was excited to get on it. He has told me how terrified he is of his own mind and his own thoughts. He told me that his mania makes him feel so amazing that he is afraid to sleep because he fears that it’ll be gone when he wakes up. He knows those thoughts aren’t healthy. So, luckily, this is his choice to finally get on the right meds and to get back in with a psychiatrist. He has his first appointment this coming Wednesday. It’s still just so frustrating after all of the damage he’s caused and the fact that he’s still not stable enough to listen to me about anything. I am so full of resentment that it’s hard for me to have to keep my mouth shut for months on end, waiting for him to come back down to earth. So now we are to a point where we can’t have one conversation about anything remotely important without him getting defensive and angry right away. Add a SM to all of this chaos and it’s safe to say I’m rather spent. I love this man so much. I could never imagine my life without him. But I also cannot live the rest of my life in such chaos and instability. We get ahead financially and the second his mania hits it all comes tumbling down and he spends all the money and ends up either losing his job or coming close to it. This is terrifying. But, I can remove myself from this situation anytime. I’ve decided to give him one more chance to get right with his meds and with his psychiatrist, and if in 6 months there’s no positive progression then we go our separate ways. I am also going to be firm in the demand that he stays on his meds from now on. The second he even thinks about going off of them because “he just knows he can handle it this time”, I’m out the door. Thank you all for your input and replies. As hard as it is to hear these things sometimes, it’s beneficial to me in helping me realize what I’m truly worth and what I shouldn’t put up with. |
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Post by saarinista on Dec 19, 2017 23:19:46 GMT -5
I think I heard that there are either injectable or implantable form of of certain antidepressants used for bipolar patients. These may help improve compliance with taking meds consistently. The drug name Latuda comes to mind, but don't quote me on that. Of course, the patient has to get the injection or the implant, but it's only once a month or every three months or something, as opposed to every day taking pills. Just a thought....
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Post by M2G on Dec 19, 2017 23:58:55 GMT -5
ladytjb don't get down on yourself for having a "pity party" as you call it. Its not a weakness, its a defense mechanism and your body telling you to cry your damn eyes out because you need some kind of outlet. Let it out if you need to. No one will think any less of you for it. Very sorry for what you're going through.
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