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Post by darktippedrose on Dec 11, 2017 15:37:44 GMT -5
I'm not sure if this is directly related to SM or not.
I have been told, "oh, you're JUST being take for granted"
So now Im not sure is it at least emotional abuse, or is it being taken for granted?
I"m qurious what others think.
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Post by wewbwb on Dec 11, 2017 17:44:11 GMT -5
Why can't it be both?
Being "taken for granted" CAN be abuse. (In extreme cases)
It all depends on what is happening and what what you are being "taken for granted" about.
If it is "taken for granted" that I will cook, clean, do the laundry, and cater to whims without any of my needs being met...
That can be abuse.
Or "marriage".
Either/or.
Hard to tell from where I'm sitting...
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Post by darktippedrose on Dec 11, 2017 17:59:27 GMT -5
Then I am most definitely in the abuse category. I think.
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Post by wewbwb on Dec 11, 2017 18:16:41 GMT -5
Then I am most definitely in the abuse category. I think. I'm not throwing stones here. But I think this is a question only you can answer. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Dec 11, 2017 20:48:28 GMT -5
I'm still trying to decide. its sounds kind of painful to trivialise it as JUST being taken for granted. not sure if its abuse or neglect, but then isn't neglect part of abuse?
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Post by baza on Dec 11, 2017 23:03:40 GMT -5
Would "being taken for granted" be enough to get you started on working your way out of your ILIASM shithole ?
or
Would "being abused" be enough to get you started on working your way out of your ILIASM shithole ?
or
Would "none of the above" get you started on working your way out of your ILIASM shithole ?
Personal opinion, based on your run of stories in this (and the old EP group) I think you are being abused by the low life oxygen thief of a spouse you have.
But it doesn't really matter what "label" you put on it
It is what it is.
Call it whatever you like.
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Post by M2G on Dec 19, 2017 6:15:06 GMT -5
It's abuse - hardcore. I would repeat this from the other thread: Embarrassing StoriesI would strongly suggest a book for you: The Emotional Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel. I think it will give you some perspective. It's not your fault - it's his. Please try to remember that. |
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Post by Caris on Dec 19, 2017 15:13:57 GMT -5
Rose, after reading your stories since the days of EP, it most certainly is abuse. He takes you for granted within the framework of an abusive relationship.
Even two people in a good relationship can start taking each other for granted, but they are happy to work on that within the framework of a loving and respectful relationship. The problem is when one person could care less about the other’s wellbeing, and even worse if they are abusive.
It seems that after all these years of abuse from this man, you still search for answers, and in those answers you hope there is a solution to make it all better. Dear, I wish I had a magic potion to give you, but there isn’t one. My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it is to stay in a toxic environment, and yet grasp on to any straw of hope (albeit false hope), that he will change. He won’t. You know he won’t, and that is tragic for you. It was tragic for me too, but somehow I made it out after 25-years. I won’t say that if I can do it, you can do it too. I hate when people say that because no two people and circumstances are the same, but it’s not as bad on the other side as you may fear, and it’s damn scary even thinking about being alone, but it’s amazing how we survive anyway. It’s the lesser of two pains.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 19, 2017 15:17:19 GMT -5
Yes you are being verbally and emotionally abused. Take the time to read about verbal and emotional abuse.
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Post by darktippedrose on Dec 19, 2017 16:30:56 GMT -5
I don't think that my husband will change. Its almost funny because I have faith that he'll change, that others think I"m negative. That I should still hope. But people generally telll girls that you can't change him, but with me its the opposite, lol.
Oh boy.
I think the reason that I'm asking these questions isn't really looking for hope, I just realized that I've been gaslighted. Actually from day 1. It was so subtle at first. Even though I know he's gaslighting me, and he makes me think I'm crazy and irrational, his gaslighting is getting stronger. My relatives just don't see it. Theyre from an older generation and think that I should be luck he would even stay with me. I'm overweight, fuzzy and have 3 kids with autism. Most men would leave after having a son that has special needs.
So I geuss I'm just grasping at a better sense of reality. Trying to tell myself I really am NOT crazy.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 19, 2017 16:42:09 GMT -5
“ Theyre from an older generation and think that I should be luck he would even stay with me. I'm overweight, fuzzy and have 3 kids with autism. Most men would leave after having a son that has special needs. “
From what you have posted about your family, they probably are or have been in abusive relationships or are abusive people themselves and don’t know what normal is. They have low expectations of men. They also married you off to a man wiser people would not have wanted near a beloved relative. His being much older and having kids from a marriage that ended in divorce would have caused many thoughtful people to have not viewed him as a suitable mate for a young woman. One practical consideration: whether he’d have enough income to support 2 families. Another considerations : why he divorced and how he treated his kids. If he didn’t pay child support or take any responsibility for helping to raise them, those would be red flags he’d treat you the same way.
Also, he is a con artist who is gas lighting them, too.
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Post by darktippedrose on Dec 19, 2017 17:08:51 GMT -5
That is very true northstarmom . The people who arranged my marriage didn't see it as a big deal, he's a good (religion based brother), etc. When I confronted him about issues he had with those who were arranging our marriage, he played the victim. My relatives were afraid that he was going to turn me into a terrorist. They told me and them that they couldn't do anything because they weren't Muslim. Years later, I found that to be completely untrue. Later on, the issue of many young women being pressured into marriage to quickly caused many, many problems. Like me. |
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Post by Caris on Dec 19, 2017 21:43:12 GMT -5
I don't think that my husband will change. Its almost funny because I have faith that he'll change, that others think I"m negative. That I should still hope. But people generally telll girls that you can't change him, but with me its the opposite, lol. Oh boy. I think the reason that I'm asking these questions isn't really looking for hope, I just realized that I've been gaslighted. Actually from day 1. It was so subtle at first. Even though I know he's gaslighting me, and he makes me think I'm crazy and irrational, his gaslighting is getting stronger. My relatives just don't see it. Theyre from an older generation and think that I should be luck he would even stay with me. I'm overweight, fuzzy and have 3 kids with autism. Most men would leave after having a son that has special needs. So I geuss I'm just grasping at a better sense of reality. Trying to tell myself I really am NOT crazy. “Most men would leave after having a son with special needs?” Rose, I don’t believe this is true for a moment. A decent man would not leave his wife and son because of special needs. Only a loser would do that. A good man would step up to the plate, and care for his son. I know you stay because you have three autistic children, but don’t think most men would leave because of that. |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 19, 2017 22:45:39 GMT -5
"Most men would leave after having a son with special needs?” Rose, I don’t believe this is true for a moment. A decent man would not leave his wife and son because of special needs. Only a loser would do that. A good man would step up to the plate, and care for his son. I know you stay because you have three autistic children, but don’t think most men would leave because of that."
What Caris said is true. A decent man, a responsible dad wouldn't leave due to having a child who was special needs. However, Darktippedrose, your husband does not have the character of a good, responsible, loving man. Unfortunately, your relatives had low expectations of men, and thus, saddled you with a man who could not be depended upon. You have always deserved better. The way your husband treats you isn't what you or your children deserve. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be cherished, loved and appreciated. Your husband doesn't seem capable of doing that, but that doesn't mean that what he deigns to give is all you deserve or is all the love you could attract.
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