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Post by M2G on Dec 9, 2017 9:42:18 GMT -5
I find in general, that most people are enthralled by the negative, and take the positive for granted. Case in point: If officer Bill busts a mugger no one really gives a damn. Officer Bill, on a daily basis helps people in so many ways it would be pointless to list here. Nobody cares. It just doesn't make the news unless he takes a bullet. Other hand - if officer Bill rear-ends someone while trying to catch a bad guy - the poor guy gets dragged through the virtual mud on the news and gets a bad reputation that he will never be able to shake.
How many marriages are like this?
Mine is. I swear my W has a mental ledger of every transgression I've ever made, large or small. These can be dragged up whenever it's deemed suitable. Once it builds to "critical mass" the marriage ends, or the SM begins, or whatever other consequence is deemed "appropriate."
My side: I just want to do the best I can as a partner; forgiving the flaws and focusing on everything good.
This week though I started to write own all the bad stuff in my journal and holy HELL there is a LOT. But, this is in the past. Over. So yesterday's news because She isn't doing those things anymore.
Just seems fucked to me, that I can't get the same consideration.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 9, 2017 9:51:30 GMT -5
I think scorekeeping creates steady negativity and resentfulness. I’m not like that. To my knowledge refuser ex wasn’t like that (unless he did it but didn’t talk about it).My lover isn’t like that. I wouldn’t stay with someone whose focus was on things I’d done wrong. There’s no winning in such a relationship.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 9, 2017 10:51:37 GMT -5
Now you are getting into "forgiveness". The golden rule is forgiving does not mean forgetting and setting yourself up for more abuse.
Forgiveness is much more for yourself. Healing thy self. Something your W could use a strong dose of.
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Post by baza on Dec 13, 2017 2:51:49 GMT -5
I was a leading exponent of "score keeping" in my ILIASM deal.
My then missus, was even better.
It didn't help.
Not one bit.
Hard habit to break I found.
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Post by neonspace on Dec 13, 2017 20:24:05 GMT -5
I think scorekeeping creates steady negativity and resentfulness. I’m not like that. To my knowledge refuser ex wasn’t like that (unless he did it but didn’t talk about it).My lover isn’t like that. I wouldn’t stay with someone whose focus was on things I’d done wrong. There’s no winning in such a relationship. This was insightful and thought provoking for me. Thank you. |
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Post by idgaf96 on Dec 17, 2017 14:11:46 GMT -5
My husband is the worst at this and not just with me, with everyone. It amazes me that he can remberer a comment made by someone after 10 years but doesn't remember birthdays, anniversaries or his own phone number. He will bring up old shit as often as he can. Ugh. I really think this 7 year plan should turn into a 7 month plan....
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Post by orangepeel on Dec 22, 2017 4:04:21 GMT -5
I find in general, that most people are enthralled by the negative, and take the positive for granted. Case in point: If officer Bill busts a mugger no one really gives a damn. Officer Bill, on a daily basis helps people in so many ways it would be pointless to list here. Nobody cares. It just doesn't make the news unless he takes a bullet. Other hand - if officer Bill rear-ends someone while trying to catch a bad guy - the poor guy gets dragged through the virtual mud on the news and gets a bad reputation that he will never be able to shake. How many marriages are like this? Mine is. I swear my W has a mental ledger of every transgression I've ever made, large or small. These can be dragged up whenever it's deemed suitable. Once it builds to "critical mass" the marriage ends, or the SM begins, or whatever other consequence is deemed "appropriate." My side: I just want to do the best I can as a partner; forgiving the flaws and focusing on everything good. This week though I started to write own all the bad stuff in my journal and holy HELL there is a LOT. But, this is in the past. Over. So yesterday's news because She isn't doing those things anymore. Just seems fucked to me, that I can't get the same consideration. Exactly right. And it’s exacerbated In SM because sex acts, In more ways than one, as a lubricant: the small day to day niggles and hassle are largely overlooked in healthy sexual relationships, or at least seen in their real context. Without sex, they get jarring and magnified until they take over. |
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Post by brian on Dec 22, 2017 19:39:37 GMT -5
Well, my roomie cannot pass up the opportunity to tell me that I'm "Keeping Score" when I mention that it's been 5 weeks since we last had sex, or that we have had a sexless marriage by clinical standards for 17 of our 21 years. That's not letting the past be the past. But I don't know how to constructively address the situation without bringing up that I don't believe she CAN be the wife I need based on past performance.
But she's allowed to bring up all of the things that I did/didn't do in the past. That's just "evidence" that proves her point. Ummm... yeah... okay.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 22, 2017 20:33:55 GMT -5
"Well, my roomie cannot pass up the opportunity to tell me that I'm "Keeping Score" when I mention that it's been 5 weeks since we last had sex, or that we have had a sexless marriage by clinical standards for 17 of our 21 years. That's not letting the past be the past. But I don't know how to constructively address the situation without bringing up that I don't believe she CAN be the wife I need based on past performance.
But she's allowed to bring up all of the things that I did/didn't do in the past. That's just "evidence" that proves her point. Ummm... yeah... okay."
Really, what's the point of telling her about the SM? Obviously, she doesn't want to fuck you and won't do that. You know that. She knows that. Pointing out that fact just wastes your breath and time. Nothing is going to change.
Meanwhile, when she starts scorekeeping, you can choose to walk away.
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Post by M2G on Dec 23, 2017 9:58:37 GMT -5
..Yeah, walking away is.
As far as me keeping score - I do, in my journal. I don't throw it back at her though - its a useless game to play and a game nobody wins.
My DBT book therapy shows guides me through a lot of techniques to put the past into perspective and I'm getting much better at shutting down those past-based dark moods, however: something occurred to me that kinda shook me up - there are really quite a lot more good memories of my W, than there are bad memories. Probably 1000-fold.
Right now though, the good memories are what's keeping me from moving forward in a present-focused frame of mind.
In the course of my "video therapy" (an exercise to create some self-compassion) I have been digging through the photo albums and there I get what I need but - but I started to run into the earliest photos of my W and me near the time when we were 15 & 16 years old and on through our 20's. Gulp. How did those great kids who stuck together to successfully fight the world end up in this sham of a SM impasse we now have?
Easy to blast away the violent borderline/narcissist step-dad and emotionally absent, abandoning mother.
Not so easy at all, to forget the way my W and I used to be.
Boy that was hard to write. Think I'll go cuddle the cats a bit.
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