A new style of relationship?
Nov 28, 2017 20:31:19 GMT -5
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GeekGoddess, greatcoastal, and 2 more like this
Post by workingonit on Nov 28, 2017 20:31:19 GMT -5
Was not sure about where to post this. This is a post from a friend of mine on facebook. Thought this was interesting. I don't know if I could actually do this but I am intrigued. Sounds refreshing.
For about a year and a half, I have been engaged in a very different kind of relationship than ever before in my life. I grew up believing the cultural myth that success in life included a particular style of relationship - marriage and a strong identification with ones partner, with being "a couple". I spent many of my years of early adulthood in relationships that in hindsight were co-dependent and what I would call merged- where my identity was bound up with my boyfriend/husband/other. This waxed and waned as I also lived through periods of time in which I was self-directed and empowered (and 'single'). However, when in romantic relationship I would inevitably slip into dynamics of mergy-ness and murkiness.
Now that I have been married and divorced, in and out of many relationships, with a child coming of age, I feel like I've come to the point in my life where I'm no longer willing to participate in relationships that feel compromising of my own, or another's personal soul journey.
It feels edgy to reveal that I'm in a relationship where there is no 'commitment' to each other - or at least commitment in the way that I've experienced it in the past. There is however a commitment to the greater good, and a commitment to each other's and our own unfolding truth and wholeness. The intention is to honor each other as evolving individuals, complex and unique, on a path inclusive of change and growth.
People often ask me- "what are you guys?" There seems to be a strong desire for people around us to define what we "are". Are we friends? Lovers? Partners?
I personally am interested in a choice-based relationship. To me this means something which we are both always actively choosing, without collapsing into auto-pilot and modal behavior - like "we've now arrived and we no longer have to aspire toward our fullest personal potential" - this potential may or may not include physical intimacy, exclusivity, or any perceived trajectory toward forever after with one another. It really does feel edgy to talk about this publicly- because it goes against the grain of how I always thought "it's supposed to go".
And this hasn't been easy- we have both grappled with this process and how we feel about making these choices, and we haven't always been in the same place with all of it. Though we seem to continually come back around to honoring our intuitive sensibilities, attuning to each other as much as possible, and trusting in what unfolds when we are transparent about what arises. I think trusting in the emotional intelligence of this process leads to the highest expression of Love and alignment for both of us.
We are also choosing to create a relationship based on the present vs. the future. There's nowhere to get to. We are here now and choosing to spend time together, and weave our lives together in certain ways, though not in all ways. This to me feels like inter-dependence, as opposed to codependence where ones' identity is bound up in another, or straight independence where self-reliance can take priority over connection. Obviously there are varying degrees of this, and of course different levels of comfort among people- so no judgement toward how other people are choosing to structure relationships(!) But for me, this process of conscious individuation in relation to another has become extremely important.
Our children, of varying ages, also have their own authentic relationships, with each of us and with each other. It's important to me that they also feel free to engage at the level that feels real for them, where that's seen as ok, and nothing is thrust or forced upon them. This feels respectful of everyone's personal sovereignty.
Since first meeting, we have moved in and out of being sometimes "just" friends, and sometimes more than friends. And these transitions have occurred whilst supporting each other through multiple major life transitions - ex-spouses remarrying, deaths of loved ones, and even coming close to co-buying a house.
I think I can speak for both of us in saying that ultimately we see ourselves as *allies* - in this journey of life in which the future is unknown, shift is inevitable, other connections arise, challenges are hopefully embraced and integrated, and differences are accepted and in fact appreciated.
I'm grateful for a friendship that has felt deep and unwavering while we discover in what way our worlds and our beings best fit together.
It's a unique puzzle!
For about a year and a half, I have been engaged in a very different kind of relationship than ever before in my life. I grew up believing the cultural myth that success in life included a particular style of relationship - marriage and a strong identification with ones partner, with being "a couple". I spent many of my years of early adulthood in relationships that in hindsight were co-dependent and what I would call merged- where my identity was bound up with my boyfriend/husband/other. This waxed and waned as I also lived through periods of time in which I was self-directed and empowered (and 'single'). However, when in romantic relationship I would inevitably slip into dynamics of mergy-ness and murkiness.
Now that I have been married and divorced, in and out of many relationships, with a child coming of age, I feel like I've come to the point in my life where I'm no longer willing to participate in relationships that feel compromising of my own, or another's personal soul journey.
It feels edgy to reveal that I'm in a relationship where there is no 'commitment' to each other - or at least commitment in the way that I've experienced it in the past. There is however a commitment to the greater good, and a commitment to each other's and our own unfolding truth and wholeness. The intention is to honor each other as evolving individuals, complex and unique, on a path inclusive of change and growth.
People often ask me- "what are you guys?" There seems to be a strong desire for people around us to define what we "are". Are we friends? Lovers? Partners?
I personally am interested in a choice-based relationship. To me this means something which we are both always actively choosing, without collapsing into auto-pilot and modal behavior - like "we've now arrived and we no longer have to aspire toward our fullest personal potential" - this potential may or may not include physical intimacy, exclusivity, or any perceived trajectory toward forever after with one another. It really does feel edgy to talk about this publicly- because it goes against the grain of how I always thought "it's supposed to go".
And this hasn't been easy- we have both grappled with this process and how we feel about making these choices, and we haven't always been in the same place with all of it. Though we seem to continually come back around to honoring our intuitive sensibilities, attuning to each other as much as possible, and trusting in what unfolds when we are transparent about what arises. I think trusting in the emotional intelligence of this process leads to the highest expression of Love and alignment for both of us.
We are also choosing to create a relationship based on the present vs. the future. There's nowhere to get to. We are here now and choosing to spend time together, and weave our lives together in certain ways, though not in all ways. This to me feels like inter-dependence, as opposed to codependence where ones' identity is bound up in another, or straight independence where self-reliance can take priority over connection. Obviously there are varying degrees of this, and of course different levels of comfort among people- so no judgement toward how other people are choosing to structure relationships(!) But for me, this process of conscious individuation in relation to another has become extremely important.
Our children, of varying ages, also have their own authentic relationships, with each of us and with each other. It's important to me that they also feel free to engage at the level that feels real for them, where that's seen as ok, and nothing is thrust or forced upon them. This feels respectful of everyone's personal sovereignty.
Since first meeting, we have moved in and out of being sometimes "just" friends, and sometimes more than friends. And these transitions have occurred whilst supporting each other through multiple major life transitions - ex-spouses remarrying, deaths of loved ones, and even coming close to co-buying a house.
I think I can speak for both of us in saying that ultimately we see ourselves as *allies* - in this journey of life in which the future is unknown, shift is inevitable, other connections arise, challenges are hopefully embraced and integrated, and differences are accepted and in fact appreciated.
I'm grateful for a friendship that has felt deep and unwavering while we discover in what way our worlds and our beings best fit together.
It's a unique puzzle!
