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Post by Caris on Nov 27, 2017 20:43:57 GMT -5
I want a boyfriend. Don’t know how I get one, where I get one, or even if anyone will have me, but I’ve decided I want one. I don’t even know if I’m ready for one (after 2.5 years single), just know that I would like one. He needs the patience of a saint. At this stage, I could even take a “refuser,” as long as he’s affectionate, kind, and likes hugs and holding hands.
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Post by jim44444 on Nov 28, 2017 7:35:16 GMT -5
Sounds like the start to a plan. I hope you find one whose libido matches yours and who wants what you want.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 28, 2017 11:31:35 GMT -5
Caris, just last week you posted the following in a post "off the market": "One thing I do know from being in mixed company is that dating and romantic relationships are not possible for me at this time. It’s far too complex to explain the issues, but the fact I’m aware of them is enough for me to know this, so I have taken myself off the market."
If I may ask, why the sudden turn about? I disagree that the gentleman will need the patience of a saint, but you will need to decide exactly what it is you want in the relationship before seeking someone out. Alternating back and forth isn't good for you, and certainly isn't good for a potential partner.
My suggestion remains the same as it is before. Find an activity (preferably a "zesty" one) you enjoy and you will naturally meet people (including men) who also enjoy it (meetup groups come to mind). Finding someone with common interests makes the initial conversations so much easier and less stressful. A boyfriend may or may not come as a result, but I don't think that a relationship is something that can be forced. At least not a healthy one.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 28, 2017 12:10:33 GMT -5
agree with Shamwow 100% -also I strongly, strongly suggest that you do some therapy about your attitude to relationships. I don't think I could have been ready for my boyfriend without undergoing therapy and having a better understanding about how I don't deserve to be treated like shit.
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Post by Caris on Nov 28, 2017 13:24:06 GMT -5
Caris, just last week you posted the following in a post "off the market": "One thing I do know from being in mixed company is that dating and romantic relationships are not possible for me at this time. It’s far too complex to explain the issues, but the fact I’m aware of them is enough for me to know this, so I have taken myself off the market." If I may ask, why the sudden turn about? I disagree that the gentleman will need the patience of a saint, but you will need to decide exactly what it is you want in the relationship before seeking someone out. Alternating back and forth isn't good for you, and certainly isn't good for a potential partner. My suggestion remains the same as it is before. Find an activity (preferably a "zesty" one) you enjoy and you will naturally meet people (including men) who also enjoy it (meetup groups come to mind). Finding someone with common interests makes the initial conversations so much easier and less stressful. A boyfriend may or may not come as a result, but I don't think that a relationship is something that can be forced. At least not a healthy one. Believe me, I’m not forcing anyone. My quick change of mind never hurt anyone because it was in my own thoughts, and not shared with a soul, except here. I’m already in “Meet-Up.” I do only those things I enjoy. I don’t do anything with the intention of meeting a romantic interest. I think what happens is I get my wishful thinking for my basic human needs to be met, with the reality of my situation, so on a good day, when I feel fine, and even attractive, my mind thinks, “yes, I’m ready for a relationship.” Of course, after going through days like the past two days, when things are not so good, and my anxiety rises (and for good reason, though won’t discuss that here), I come to my senses, and realize that “no,” I’m not ready. Got other issues to deal with first, but hell, I’m made of flesh and blood, and decades of no touch, no affection, no TLC...well...no wonder I have thoughts of wishful thinking. |
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Post by Caris on Nov 28, 2017 13:34:45 GMT -5
shamwow, please don’t be concerned that my back and forth will hurt a potential partner. There is no potential partner. There hasn’t been a potential partner in the 2.5-years, I’ve been single. I haven’t had one date. It’s only recently that I’ve been in mixed company again, and one thing about me is I never want to hurt another person. I am very self aware. Because of Buddhism, and my own studies, I am very good at observing my own thoughts, feelings, and responses. I have my own set of values and boundaries. I know myself very well. You are witnessing me thinking out loud, and sharing it with you here. It’s against my values to intentionally hurt another living creature.
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Post by Caris on Nov 28, 2017 15:35:07 GMT -5
Sounds like the start to a plan. I hope you find one whose libido matches yours and who wants what you want. Jim, my libido is low now that I’m through menopause, so the irony is that now I could live in a SM, as long as there was mutual respect, affection, and truly caring for each other. In fact, after having a very high libido most of my adult life, and now having a low one means I’d rather have a partner who wasn’t high libido. High affection, high TLC, and high understanding are what are most important to me now, along with shared values. |
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Post by WindSister on Nov 28, 2017 16:33:36 GMT -5
Caris, just last week you posted the following in a post "off the market": "One thing I do know from being in mixed company is that dating and romantic relationships are not possible for me at this time. It’s far too complex to explain the issues, but the fact I’m aware of them is enough for me to know this, so I have taken myself off the market." If I may ask, why the sudden turn about? I disagree that the gentleman will need the patience of a saint, but you will need to decide exactly what it is you want in the relationship before seeking someone out. Alternating back and forth isn't good for you, and certainly isn't good for a potential partner. My suggestion remains the same as it is before. Find an activity (preferably a "zesty" one) you enjoy and you will naturally meet people (including men) who also enjoy it (meetup groups come to mind). Finding someone with common interests makes the initial conversations so much easier and less stressful. A boyfriend may or may not come as a result, but I don't think that a relationship is something that can be forced. At least not a healthy one. Believe me, I’m not forcing anyone. My quick change of mind never hurt anyone because it was in my own thoughts, and not shared with a soul, except here. I’m already in “Meet-Up.” I do only those things I enjoy. I don’t do anything with the intention of meeting a romantic interest. I think what happens is I get my wishful thinking for my basic human needs to be met, with the reality of my situation, so on a good day, when I feel fine, and even attractive, my mind thinks, “yes, I’m ready for a relationship.” Of course, after going through days like the past two days, when things are not so good, and my anxiety rises (and for good reason, though won’t discuss that here), I come to my senses, and realize that “no,” I’m not ready. Got other issues to deal with first, but hell, I’m made of flesh and blood, and decades of no touch, no affection, no TLC...well...no wonder I have thoughts of wishful thinking. Actually, Caris, I totally, 100% get you in what you shared here. At least, I think I do. I won't assume. But, I will share that I did a lot of such turn-arounds on EP. I remember people telling me, "whoa.. slow down..." Fact is, though, when you process something you process it. Do you gain clarity/insight from writing/sharing here? I know I did on EP and many times I would share something in great length and detail and that act alone was enough to help me process it and many times move on from it to something new. People would read my writings, ponderings, wanderings and dilemmas, issues, etc., but by the time they read it, I was already on to the next thing. It's okay. You know you. Do what feels best.  |
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Post by Caris on Nov 28, 2017 21:26:18 GMT -5
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 28, 2017 21:55:55 GMT -5
I think it’s very nice that you allowed yourself “to want” - or just acknowledged it was happening. I think I get it that wanting a boyfriend doesn’t mean you see someone you have your eye on, or going to become a person pushing yourself onto others. But I read it as a reawakening that is a change, a milestone past “that’s not for me” to a thought of “yes I would like” - that was all I read it as.
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Post by Caris on Nov 29, 2017 1:29:24 GMT -5
I think it’s very nice that you allowed yourself “to want” - or just acknowledged it was happening. I think I get it that wanting a boyfriend doesn’t mean you see someone you have your eye on, or going to become a person pushing yourself onto others. But I read it as a reawakening that is a change, a milestone past “that’s not for me” to a thought of “yes I would like” - that was all I read it as. You absolutely got it right, Grant. You explained it better than I could convey the underlying message in my post. Some seem to think, I’m not even allowed to want a romantic partner. Wanting what I’ve been denied for more than 20-years, is natural, and yes, it’s an internal milestone that I can even think seriously about it. Am I ready for a relationship? Probably not, but then it would depend on the man, and his qualities that could make that answer moot. Just because I want cheesecake, does not mean I will eat it. Same with a boyfriend. I would like one, but doesn’t mean I’m ready for one. What’s wrong with wanting a loving partner, to have and to hold, to share daily life together, and be there for one another making a history? |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 29, 2017 7:10:05 GMT -5
I think that now that you are allowing yourself to want, you will notice more possibilities and interest in you from men than you’d allowed yourself to realize before. Doesn’t mean you will follow up yet. Nor does it mean you will immediately find someone you want. But it will mean that you will begin to realize that a boyfriend can be an attainable dream if you choose to open yourself that experience.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 29, 2017 8:27:34 GMT -5
What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve......
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Post by Caris on Nov 29, 2017 18:40:15 GMT -5
I think that now that you are allowing yourself to want, you will notice more possibilities and interest in you from men than you’d allowed yourself to realize before. Doesn’t mean you will follow up yet. Nor does it mean you will immediately find someone you want. But it will mean that you will begin to realize that a boyfriend can be an attainable dream if you choose to open yourself that experience. For the first time in 27-years, I was in the company of a very attractive man. Just me and him. It wasn’t a date. It was a group outing, but only the two of us showed up. I thought it might be awkward making conversation with a stranger, but he was so nice, and so easy to talk with that I felt completely at ease with him, and conversation flowed naturally. I really enjoyed his company. He’s married, so he’s off limits, but darn it, I want one like that. Physically attractive and so easy to be with that I feel like I’ve known him for years. That’s the kind of guy I want. Same interests as me, and just makes me feel at ease. Mmm I hope I find that for myself. |
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